I am not a monster: schizophrenia | Cecilia McGough | TEDxPSU

Cecilia McGough puts a face to schizophrenia and helps empower college students through the upcoming non-profit Students With Schizophrenia.
Students With Schizophrenia: http://sites.psu.edu/studentswithschizophrenia/
I Am Not A Monster: SCHIZOPHRENIA: http://sites.psu.edu/ceciliamcgough/

Cecilia McGough is an astronomer, activist, and writer as a Penn State Schreyer Honors College scholar pursuing a major in Astronomy & Astrophysics. Cecilia is the founder and current president of the Penn State Pulsar Search Collaboratory. She has been participating in pulsar research continuously since December of 2009, co-discovering pulsar J1930-1852 with the widest orbit ever observed around another neutron star, competing in the International Space Olympics held in Russia, and co-authoring her research in the Astrophysics Journal. Cecilia is a mental health activist in fighting against the negative stigma towards mental illness. She is the founder and chief executive officer (CEO) of the soon-to-launch non-profit Students With Schizophrenia which is the only non-profit in the United States focused on empowering college students with schizophrenia.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Hello, my name is Cecilia McGough.

I'm an astronomy and astrophysics major
here at Penn State,

and the founder and president

of the Penn State
Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

In high school, I was lucky enough
to have co-discovered a pulsar

through the Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

A pulsar is a super dense neutron star

that emits dipole
electromagnetic radiation.

Basically, think of a star
much, much larger than our sun,

blowing away its outer layers,
leaving behind a dense core -

that core could be our pulsar.

This discovery opened some doors for me,

such as helping represent
the United States

in the International
Space Olympics in Russia.

And also, being a Virginia aerospace
science and technology scholar.

I know what you must be thinking:

"What a nerd!"

"Nerd alert!"

Well, for the longest time,
this nerd had a secret.

A secret that I was too scared
and too embarrassed to tell anyone.

That secret is that I have schizophrenia.

But what is schizophrenia?

It's important to think of schizophrenia
as an umbrella-like diagnosis.

NAMI shows these different symptoms
as a way you could diagnose schizophrenia,

such as delusions and hallucinations
being the hallmark characteristics.

But it is very important to know
that a person could have schizophrenia

and not have delusions
and not hallucinate.

Each person's story with schizophrenia
is unique to their own.

Today I'm going to be talking
about my story with schizophrenia.

It has been thought
that I've had schizophrenia all my life.

But it became very prevalent
in my junior year of high school,

and then it just snowballed into college.

February of 2014,
my freshman year of college,

my life changed

when I tried to take my own life
through suicide.

"Why?" you ask.

Because my life had become
a waking nightmare.

The following images have been edited
using Microsoft's artistic effects

because they are just
too triggering for me.

At this time, I had started hallucinating.

I started seeing, hearing and feeling
things that weren't there.

Everywhere that I went,
I was followed around by a clown

that looked very similar
to the Stephen King's adaptation of "It".

Everywhere that I went,

he would be giggling,
taunting me, poking me,

and sometimes even biting me.

I would also hallucinate spiders,

sometimes little spiders.

And these are actually
the most obtrusive sometimes

because we see
little spiders in real life.

So, sometimes this is the only time
I ever have difficulty

discerning whether it is
a hallucination or real life.

I'm very good at knowing
when I'm hallucinating

and I know that it is
a chemical imbalance inside my head.

I don't even give
these hallucinations names.

I also hallucinate giant spiders though.

One spider, in particular, comes to mind.

It was rather large, leathery skin,
black legs and yellow body.

No voice ever came out of its mouth.
However, when it moved its legs,

the creaking of the legs sounded like
young children laughing.

It was very disturbing.

But it started becoming unbearable
when I started hallucinating this girl.

She looked sort of like
in the movie "The Ring".

The thing with her was she was able
to continue conversations with herself,

and would know exactly
what to say and when to say it

to chip away at my insecurities.

But the worst was, she would also
carry a knife around with her

and she would stab me,
sometimes in the face.

This made taking tests, quizzes,
and doing homework in general

extremely difficult to impossible
when I was in college.

Sometimes I wouldn't even be able
to see the paper in front of my face

because I was hallucinating too much.

I don't usually speak so openly
about my hallucinations,

because people usually look at me in fear
after I tell them what I see.

But the thing is, I'm not much different
than the rest of you.

We all see, hear, and feel things
when we are dreaming.

I'm just someone who cannot turn off
my nightmares, even when I'm awake.

I've been hallucinating now obtrusively
for about over four years.

So, I have gotten very good

at just pretending
I'm not seeing what I'm seeing,

or ignoring them.

But I have triggers, such as seeing
the color red is very triggering for me.

I don't know if you guys
noticed this or not,

but they changed the carpet that I'm on.

They changed it
to a black carpet instead of red.

I sort of laugh at my life a bit
like a dark comedy, because, of course,

the only color combination
that I have issues with is red and white.

What are TED's colors?

(Laughter)

Really people!

But, I have issues with those colors

because those are the colors
that the clown has:

red hair and white skin.

And how I'm able to ignore him
is I just don't look at him,

but I'm able to know

where that hallucination is
in my peripheral vision,

because of the bright colors
of red and white.

But you would never know
that I'm hallucinating.

The clown is actually
in the audience today

and you would never know.

On a lighter note,
who is looking forward to the Oscars?

Hands up!

I knew you guys would be interested!

Well, if there were nominations for people
just acting "normal" in everyday life,

people who have schizophrenia
would definitely be nominated as well.

When I first became open
about having schizophrenia,

it was a shock to even
the people closest to me.

It took me eight months,

eight months after my suicide attempt

to finally get the treatment
that I needed.

I didn't even have
the diagnosis of schizophrenia.

And because of that,

what kept me from getting help
were conversations like these.

I remember very distinctively
within that time

on the phone with my mother.

I would tell my mum,

"Mom I'm sick,

I'm seeing things that aren't there,

I need medicine,
I need to talk to a doctor."

Her response?

"No, no, no, no.

You can't tell anyone about this.

This can't be on our medical history.

Think of your sisters,
think of your sisters' futures.

People are going to think
that you're crazy,

they are going to think you're dangerous
and you won't be able to get a job."

What I say to that now

is "Don't let anyone convince you
not to get medical help.

It's not worth it!

It is your choice
and it is also your right."

Getting medical help was the best decision
that I have ever made.

And I am confident
that I would not be here today

if I didn't get the proper medical help.

This led into my first hospitalization.

I had been in the psych ward four times
within the past two years.

But I still was not open
about having schizophrenia

until my second hospitalization,
because the police were involved.

One evening I realized I needed
to check myself back into hospital,

because I needed some changes
in my medication.

So I admitted myself
into the emergency room.

I talked to the doctors, they said,

"OK, let's fix the meds,
you can stay here overnight."

It was all good.

After the brief one-night hospital stay,

I came back to my dorm room
here at Penn State,

and to very concerned roommates,

which I understand
why they were concerned -

if I was in their shoes,
I would have been concerned as well -

but also the RA and a CANHELP person.

We all talked and we decided
that I needed another psych ward stay.

And I was OK on going,
I wasn't at all refusing,

I was willing to go.

But what happened next was inexcusable.

They brought police officers
into my dorm room,

in front of my roommates,
they padded me down

and I had to convince them
not to put handcuffs on me.

They then brought me,
escorted me into a police car

that was parked on the road

next to one of our dining
commons: Redifer,

where friends were passing by
and seeing me put into a police car.

By that time, when I came back,
the cat was out of the bag.

People knew something was up,
so I had to set the story straight.

I opened up about my schizophrenia

through a blog,

but I posted
all my blog posts on Facebook.

And I was amazed by how much support
there was out there.

And I also realized

that there are so many
other people just like me.

I was actually amazed!

A few of my friends opened up to me
that they had schizophrenia.

Now I am dedicated to being
a mental health advocate.

I'm not going to wallow
in self-pity about my diagnosis.

Instead, I want to use it
as a common denominator,

so I can help other people
who have schizophrenia.

And I'm not going to rest until anyone
who has schizophrenia worldwide

is not afraid to say the words:

"I have schizophrenia."

Because it's OK to have schizophrenia,

it really is.

Because 1.1% of the world's population
over the age of 18

has some sort of schizophrenia.

That is 51 million people worldwide

and 2.4 million people
in the United States alone.

But there's a problem.

Because one out of ten people
who have schizophrenia

take their own life through suicide.

Another four out of ten
attempt suicide at least once.

I fall into that statistic.

You would think that there would
already be a nonprofit

focused on empowering college students
who have schizophrenia,

especially since the peak age to have
a schizophrenic break is early adulthood -

the same age range
as a typical college student.

But there isn't.

There is no nonprofit
in the entire United States

focused on that.

And a general nonprofit
focused on mental health in general

is not enough.

Because even in the mental
health community,

schizophrenia is shied away from,

because it makes people
feel "uncomfortable".

That is why I have decided

to found the nonprofit
"Students With Schizophrenia",

where we will empower college students
and get them the resources that they need,

so they can stay in college
and be successful.

Because you could be successful
and also have schizophrenia.

We need to change the face
of schizophrenia,

because the representation
currently is inaccurate.

Don't let anyone tell you
that you can't have a mental illness

and also not be mentally strong.

You are strong, you are brave,
you are a warrior.

Unfortunately, this nonprofit
is too late for some.

Since I've become open
about having schizophrenia

I am asked to come
into different classrooms

here at Penn State,

and talk to the class about my experience
having schizophrenia.

One class stands out in particular.

Earlier in the semester
one of the students

opened up to the class
that she had schizophrenia.

I commend her for her bravery.

However, by the time that I came
and talked to that class,

she had taken her own life
through suicide.

We were too late for her.

I was too late for her.

Here at Penn State, we have to make
an example to the world,

because this is not just happening
here at Penn State,

it's happening globally.

But here at Penn State, we have to show

that we are here for our students,

we are talking about mental health,

and we are not afraid
to talk about schizophrenia.

My name is Cecilia McGough,

I have schizophrenia

and I am not a monster.

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Cheering)