Why your worst deeds don’t define you
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0:01 - 0:03Twenty-three years ago,
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0:03 - 0:06at the age of 19,
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0:06 - 0:09I shot and killed a man.
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0:09 - 0:12I was a young drug dealer
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0:12 - 0:14with a quick temper
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0:14 - 0:18and a semi-automatic pistol.
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0:18 - 0:21But that wasn't the end of my story.
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0:21 - 0:25In fact, it was beginning,
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0:25 - 0:27and the 23 years since
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0:27 - 0:31is a story of acknowledgment,
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0:31 - 0:34apology and atonement.
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0:34 - 0:36But it didn't happen in the way
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0:36 - 0:39that you might imagine or think.
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0:39 - 0:40These things occurred in my life
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0:40 - 0:43in a way that was surprising,
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0:43 - 0:44especially to me.
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0:44 - 0:47See, like many of you,
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0:47 - 0:50growing up, I was an honor roll student,
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0:50 - 0:51a scholarship student,
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0:51 - 0:54with dreams of becoming a doctor.
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0:54 - 0:57But things went dramatically wrong
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0:57 - 0:59when my parents separated
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0:59 - 1:03and eventually divorced.
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1:03 - 1:05The actual events are pretty straightforward.
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1:05 - 1:08At the age of 17,
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1:08 - 1:10I got shot three times
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1:10 - 1:14standing on the corner of my block in Detroit.
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1:14 - 1:17My friend rushed me to the hospital.
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1:17 - 1:20Doctors pulled the bullets out,
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1:20 - 1:22patched me up,
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1:22 - 1:26and sent me back to the same
neighborhood where I got shot. -
1:26 - 1:29Throughout this ordeal,
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1:29 - 1:31no one hugged me,
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1:31 - 1:33no one counseled me,
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1:33 - 1:36no one told me I would be okay.
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1:36 - 1:39No one told me that I would live in fear,
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1:39 - 1:42that I would become paranoid,
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1:42 - 1:45or that I would react hyper-violently
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1:45 - 1:47to being shot.
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1:47 - 1:50No one told me that one day,
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1:50 - 1:54I would become the person behind the trigger.
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1:54 - 1:57Fourteen months later,
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1:57 - 1:59at 2 a.m.,
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1:59 - 2:01I fired the shots
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2:01 - 2:05that caused a man's death.
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2:05 - 2:07When I entered prison,
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2:07 - 2:12I was bitter, I was angry, I was hurt.
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2:12 - 2:15I didn't want to take responsibility.
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2:15 - 2:17I blamed everybody from my parents
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2:17 - 2:20to the system.
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2:20 - 2:23I rationalized my decision to shoot
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2:23 - 2:25because in the hood where I come from,
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2:25 - 2:27it's better to be the shooter
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2:27 - 2:30than the person getting shot.
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2:30 - 2:33As I sat in my cold cell,
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2:33 - 2:35I felt helpless,
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2:35 - 2:38unloved and abandoned.
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2:38 - 2:42I felt like nobody cared,
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2:42 - 2:44and I reacted
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2:44 - 2:47with hostility to my confinement.
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2:47 - 2:48And I found myself getting
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2:48 - 2:51deeper and deeper into trouble.
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2:51 - 2:53I ran black market stores,
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2:53 - 2:56I loan sharked,
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2:56 - 2:58and I sold drugs that were illegally smuggled
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2:58 - 3:00into the prison.
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3:00 - 3:02I had in fact become
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3:02 - 3:04what the warden of the Michigan Reformatory called
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3:04 - 3:07"the worst of the worst."
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3:07 - 3:09And because of my activity,
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3:09 - 3:12I landed in solitary confinement
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3:12 - 3:15for seven and a half years
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3:15 - 3:18out of my incarceration.
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3:18 - 3:19Now as I see it, solitary confinement
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3:19 - 3:21is one of the most inhumane and barbaric places
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3:21 - 3:24you can find yourself,
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3:24 - 3:27but find myself I did.
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3:27 - 3:31One day, I was pacing my cell,
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3:31 - 3:35when an officer came and delivered mail.
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3:35 - 3:37I looked at a couple of letters
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3:37 - 3:39before I looked at the letter
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3:39 - 3:42that had my son's squiggly handwriting on it.
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3:42 - 3:43And anytime I would get a letter from my son,
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3:43 - 3:45it was like a ray of light
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3:45 - 3:48in the darkest place you can imagine.
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3:48 - 3:52And on this particular day, I opened this letter,
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3:52 - 3:55and in capital letters, he wrote,
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3:55 - 3:58"My mama told me why you was in prison:
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3:58 - 4:01murder."
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4:01 - 4:03He said, "Dad, don't kill.
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4:03 - 4:08Jesus watches what you do. Pray to Him."
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4:08 - 4:10Now, I wasn't religious at that time,
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4:10 - 4:12nor am I religious now,
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4:12 - 4:14but it was something so profound
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4:14 - 4:17about my son's words.
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4:17 - 4:19They made me examine things about my life
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4:19 - 4:21that I hadn't considered.
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4:21 - 4:23It was the first time in my life
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4:23 - 4:25that I had actually thought about the fact
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4:25 - 4:28that my son would see me as a murderer.
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4:28 - 4:30I sat back on my bunk
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4:30 - 4:32and I reflected on something I had read
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4:32 - 4:35in [Plato],
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4:35 - 4:37where Socrates stated in "Apology"
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4:37 - 4:41that the unexamined life isn't worth living.
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4:41 - 4:47At that point is when the transformation began.
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4:47 - 4:50But it didn't come easy.
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4:52 - 4:54One of the things I realized,
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4:54 - 4:56which was part of the transformation,
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4:56 - 5:00was that there were four key things.
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5:00 - 5:02The first thing was,
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5:02 - 5:04I had great mentors.
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5:04 - 5:06Now, I know some of you all are probably thinking,
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5:06 - 5:09how did you find a great mentor in prison?
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5:09 - 5:12But in my case,
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5:12 - 5:13some of my mentors
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5:13 - 5:15who are serving life sentences
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5:15 - 5:18were some of the best people
to ever come into my life, -
5:18 - 5:21because they forced me to look at my life honestly,
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5:21 - 5:23and they forced me to challenge myself
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5:23 - 5:26about my decision making.
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5:26 - 5:30The second thing was literature.
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5:30 - 5:32Prior to going to prison,
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5:32 - 5:34I didn't know that there were so many brilliant
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5:34 - 5:37black poets, authors and philosophers,
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5:37 - 5:40and then I had the great fortune
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5:40 - 5:44of encountering Malcolm X's autobiography,
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5:44 - 5:49and it shattered every
stereotype I had about myself. -
5:49 - 5:51The third thing was family.
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5:51 - 5:56For 19 years, my father stood by my side
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5:56 - 5:58with an unshakable faith,
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5:58 - 6:00because he believed that I had what it took
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6:00 - 6:02to turn my life around.
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6:02 - 6:05I also met an amazing woman
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6:05 - 6:08who is now the mother of
my two-year-old son Sekou, -
6:08 - 6:11and she taught me how to love myself
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6:11 - 6:15in a healthy way.
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6:15 - 6:18The final thing was writing.
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6:18 - 6:19When I got that letter from my son,
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6:19 - 6:21I began to write a journal
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6:21 - 6:24about things I had experienced in my childhood
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6:24 - 6:27and in prison,
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6:27 - 6:30and what it did is it opened up my mind to the idea
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6:30 - 6:33of atonement.
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6:33 - 6:35Earlier in my incarceration, I had received
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6:35 - 6:39a letter from one of the relatives of my victim,
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6:39 - 6:42and in that letter,
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6:42 - 6:44she told me she forgave me,
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6:44 - 6:46because she realized I was a young child
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6:46 - 6:47who had been abused
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6:47 - 6:49and had been through some hardships
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6:49 - 6:52and just made a series of poor decisions.
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6:52 - 6:54It was the first time in my life
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6:54 - 7:02that I ever felt open to forgiving myself.
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7:02 - 7:03One of the things that happened
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7:03 - 7:05after that experience is that
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7:05 - 7:07I thought about the other men who were incarcerated
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7:07 - 7:09alongside of me,
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7:09 - 7:12and how much I wanted to share this with them.
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7:12 - 7:14And so I started talking to them about
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7:14 - 7:16some of their experiences,
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7:16 - 7:17and I was devastated to realize
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7:17 - 7:20that most of them came from
the same abusive environments, -
7:20 - 7:24And most of them wanted help
and they wanted to turn it around, -
7:24 - 7:26but unfortunately the system
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7:26 - 7:29that currently holds 2.5 million people in prison
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7:29 - 7:31is designed to warehouse
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7:31 - 7:35as opposed to rehabilitate or transform.
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7:35 - 7:37So I made it up in my mind
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7:37 - 7:39that if I was ever released from prison
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7:39 - 7:42that I would do everything in my power
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7:42 - 7:45to help change that.
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7:45 - 7:48In 2010, I walked out of prison
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7:48 - 7:51for the first time after two decades.
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7:51 - 7:53Now imagine, if you will,
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7:53 - 7:55Fred Flintstone walking into an episode
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7:55 - 7:58of "The Jetsons."
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7:58 - 8:01That was pretty much what my life was like.
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8:01 - 8:04For the first time, I was exposed to the Internet,
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8:04 - 8:06social media,
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8:06 - 8:10cars that talk like KITT from "Knight Rider."
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8:10 - 8:12But the thing that fascinated me the most
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8:12 - 8:13was phone technology.
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8:13 - 8:15See, when I went to prison,
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8:15 - 8:16our car phones were this big
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8:16 - 8:19and required two people to carry them.
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8:19 - 8:21So imagine what it was like when I first grabbed
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8:21 - 8:23my little Blackberry
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8:23 - 8:25and I started learning how to text.
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8:25 - 8:27But the thing is, the people around me,
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8:27 - 8:28they didn't realize that I had no idea
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8:28 - 8:31what all these abbreviated texts meant,
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8:31 - 8:36like LOL, OMG, LMAO,
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8:36 - 8:38until one day I was having a conversation
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8:38 - 8:40with one of my friends via text,
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8:40 - 8:44and I asked him to do something,
and he responded back, "K." -
8:44 - 8:47And I was like, "What is K?"
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8:47 - 8:49And he was like, "K is okay."
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8:49 - 8:50So in my head, I was like,
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8:50 - 8:53"Well what the hell is wrong with K?"
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8:53 - 8:56And so I text him a question mark.
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8:56 - 8:59And he said, "K = okay."
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8:59 - 9:04And so I tap back, "FU." (Laughter)
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9:04 - 9:06And then he texts back, and he asks me
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9:06 - 9:08why was I cussing him out.
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9:08 - 9:10And I said, "LOL FU,"
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9:10 - 9:12as in, I finally understand.
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9:12 - 9:14(Laughter)
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9:14 - 9:17And so fast forward three years,
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9:17 - 9:19I'm doing relatively good.
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9:19 - 9:22I have a fellowship at MIT Media Lab,
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9:22 - 9:25I work for an amazing company called BMe,
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9:25 - 9:27I teach at the University of Michigan,
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9:27 - 9:29but it's been a struggle
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9:29 - 9:31because I realize that there are more
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9:31 - 9:32men and women coming home
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9:32 - 9:36who are not going to be
afforded those opportunities. -
9:36 - 9:37I've been blessed to work with some amazing
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9:37 - 9:40men and women,
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9:40 - 9:42helping others reenter society,
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9:42 - 9:46and one of them is my friend named Calvin Evans.
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9:46 - 9:49He served 24 years for a crime he didn't commit.
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9:49 - 9:53He's 45 years old. He's currently enrolled in college.
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9:53 - 9:55And one of the things that we talked about
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9:55 - 9:56is the three things that I found important
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9:56 - 9:58in my personal transformation,
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9:58 - 10:00the first being acknowledgment.
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10:00 - 10:02I had to acknowledge that I had hurt others.
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10:02 - 10:05I also had to acknowledge that I had been hurt.
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10:05 - 10:07The second thing was apologizing.
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10:07 - 10:10I had to apologize to the people I had hurt.
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10:10 - 10:12Even though I had no expectations
of them accepting it, -
10:12 - 10:14it was important to do because it was the right thing.
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10:14 - 10:17But I also had to apologize to myself.
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10:17 - 10:20The third thing was atoning.
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10:20 - 10:22For me, atoning meant
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10:22 - 10:23going back into my community
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10:23 - 10:25and working with at-risk youth
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10:25 - 10:27who were on the same path,
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10:27 - 10:31but also becoming at one with myself.
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10:31 - 10:32Through my experience of being locked up,
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10:32 - 10:34one of the things I discovered is this:
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10:34 - 10:36the majority of men and women
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10:36 - 10:39who are incarcerated are redeemable,
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10:39 - 10:40and the fact is,
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10:40 - 10:4390 percent of the men and
women who are incarcerated -
10:43 - 10:45will at some point return to the community,
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10:45 - 10:47and we have a role in determining what kind
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10:47 - 10:51of men and women return to our community.
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10:51 - 10:54My wish today
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10:54 - 10:57is that we will embrace
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10:57 - 10:59a more empathetic approach
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10:59 - 11:03toward how we deal with mass incarceration,
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11:03 - 11:04that we will do away with
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11:04 - 11:06the lock-them-up-and-throw-away-the-key mentality,
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11:06 - 11:10because it's proven it doesn't work.
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11:10 - 11:12My journey is a unique journey,
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11:12 - 11:15but it doesn't have to be that way.
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11:15 - 11:17Anybody can have a transformation
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11:17 - 11:20if we create the space for that to happen.
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11:20 - 11:22So what I'm asking today
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11:22 - 11:24is that you envision
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11:24 - 11:26a world where men and women
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11:26 - 11:30aren't held hostage to their pasts,
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11:30 - 11:31where misdeeds and mistakes
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11:31 - 11:34don't define you for the rest of your life.
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11:34 - 11:37I think collectively, we can create that reality,
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11:37 - 11:39and I hope you do too.
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11:39 - 11:41Thank you.
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11:41 - 11:44(Applause)
- Title:
- Why your worst deeds don’t define you
- Speaker:
- Shaka Senghor
- Description:
-
In 1991, Shaka Senghor shot and killed a man. He was, he says, "a drug dealer with a quick temper and a semi-automatic pistol." Jailed for second degree murder, that could very well have been the end of the story. But it wasn't. Instead, it was the beginning of a years-long journey to redemption, one with humbling and sobering lessons for us all.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:00
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Madeleine Aronson accepted English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for Why your worst deeds don’t define you |