The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting
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0:01 - 0:02My name is Joel,
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0:03 - 0:05and I'm a co-parent.
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0:06 - 0:09So, growing up, I never heard
the term "co-parent." -
0:09 - 0:12I heard a lot of other things, though,
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0:12 - 0:15for starters, "absentee father,"
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0:15 - 0:17"sperm donor" --
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0:17 - 0:19that's a good one --
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0:19 - 0:20"deadbeat dad"
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0:21 - 0:23and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy."
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0:24 - 0:26"Baby daddy," for those not in the know,
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0:26 - 0:29refers to an individual
who helps to conceive a child -
0:29 - 0:31but does little else.
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0:32 - 0:35Baby daddy is also someone
who is not married by law -
0:35 - 0:36to the mother of said child.
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0:38 - 0:42Growing up, I thought "co-parent"
was reserved primarily for white families -
0:42 - 0:45that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.
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0:45 - 0:47(Laughter)
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0:47 - 0:49It still kind of does.
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0:49 - 0:52But it wasn't used to explain
the role of a parent. Right? -
0:53 - 0:54Either you had kids or you didn't,
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0:54 - 0:59and no one in my social circles
or at our dinner table -
0:59 - 1:02was having complex conversations
about the role fathers played -
1:02 - 1:04in that conversation, right?
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1:04 - 1:08A more balanced, open,
loving approach to parenting -
1:08 - 1:11was not something we were discussing
within our social circles. -
1:11 - 1:13A majority of the time,
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1:14 - 1:17the fathers I knew of growing up
were barely present -
1:17 - 1:19or just completely nonexistent.
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1:19 - 1:22"Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw
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1:22 - 1:24where I grew up, where I came from.
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1:25 - 1:26I come from the hood.
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1:27 - 1:30That hood would be Creston Avenue,
188th in the Bronx. -
1:31 - 1:35And for -- one person, that's what's up.
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1:35 - 1:36(Laughter)
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1:36 - 1:38Appreciate that.
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1:39 - 1:41For a lot of us in that hood,
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1:41 - 1:43there was only one person
you could already turn to -
1:43 - 1:48for food, shelter, warmth,
love, discipline: -
1:48 - 1:49our mothers.
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1:50 - 1:52My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T,"
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1:52 - 1:54was my first example of real love
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1:54 - 1:57and what showing up
as a healthy co-parent looked like. -
1:57 - 1:59She was a strong,
determined single mother, -
1:59 - 2:03a woman who would have benefited greatly
from having a secure and stable partner -
2:03 - 2:05as a co-parent.
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2:05 - 2:08So I vowed whenever I got married,
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2:08 - 2:10my boo and I would be together forever.
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2:10 - 2:12You know? (Laughs)
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2:12 - 2:15We'd share the same bed and home,
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2:15 - 2:18we'd sleep under the same covers,
we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff. -
2:18 - 2:19(Laughter)
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2:20 - 2:22My partner would feel seen and loved,
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2:22 - 2:25and our children would grow up
in a two-parent household. -
2:26 - 2:30However, things rarely ever
end up how we plan them. -
2:32 - 2:35Our daughter Lilah has never known
a household with both of her parents -
2:35 - 2:37living together under one roof.
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2:38 - 2:40Her mother and I were never married.
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2:40 - 2:44We dated on and off for several months
before we found out she was pregnant. -
2:44 - 2:46Up until then, my mother
didn't even know she existed. -
2:48 - 2:49I was ashamed,
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2:49 - 2:50I was embarrassed,
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2:50 - 2:52and, at times, I was suicidal.
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2:53 - 2:57I was asking myself, what was I doing?
Where was I going wrong? -
2:58 - 3:00I never wanted the stigma or label
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3:00 - 3:04of what some identified
as the stereotypical "black father." -
3:04 - 3:09So: absentee, confrontational,
combative, not present. -
3:10 - 3:14It took a lot of work, time,
energy and effort -
3:14 - 3:16for us to finally realize
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3:16 - 3:21that maybe co-parenting for us
didn't need to mean a shared household -
3:21 - 3:22and wedding bells,
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3:22 - 3:25that maybe, just maybe,
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3:25 - 3:27the way we showed up as co-parents
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3:27 - 3:30lay not only in the layered nuances
of our partnership -
3:30 - 3:33but the capacity within our hearts
to tend to a human -
3:33 - 3:35that we helped create together.
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3:37 - 3:40(Applause)
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3:42 - 3:46It would involve love
in a nurturing and safe environment -
3:46 - 3:52that would feed Lilah
long after we both left this earth. -
3:55 - 3:58Fast-forward four years,
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3:58 - 4:01and Lilah is now in pre-K.
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4:01 - 4:02She loves gummies,
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4:02 - 4:06and she says things like,
"My heart is filled with love." -
4:07 - 4:10She's the most loving, compassionate,
empathetic human being I know, -
4:10 - 4:13and the reason I get to tell you
all of this is because -
4:13 - 4:15she's back in the Bronx with her mother.
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4:15 - 4:18You see, this is co-parenting,
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4:18 - 4:20and in an ideal world,
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4:20 - 4:22my mother would have had a co-parent, too.
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4:22 - 4:24She would have had support,
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4:24 - 4:26someone to show up
and give her a break, a time off. -
4:26 - 4:29In an ideal world,
every parent is a co-parent. -
4:30 - 4:34In an ideal world, both parents share
the weight of the work appropriately. -
4:34 - 4:36Lilah's mother and I have a schedule.
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4:36 - 4:38Some days, I leave work
and pick Lilah up from school, -
4:38 - 4:40some days I don't.
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4:40 - 4:42Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing
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4:42 - 4:44or study for the LSAT,
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4:44 - 4:49and I get to stand in a room
full of bold, dynamic and powerful women -
4:49 - 4:50and talk about dad stuff.
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4:52 - 4:55(Applause)
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4:57 - 5:00It is work, it is beautifully hard work
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5:00 - 5:02dismantling the systems
that would have us believe -
5:02 - 5:06a woman's primary role is in the kitchen,
tending to all things domestic, -
5:06 - 5:09while the hapless dad
fumbles all over himself -
5:09 - 5:11whenever he has to spend
a weekend alone with the kids. -
5:12 - 5:15It is work that needs to happen right now.
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5:15 - 5:17You see, far too often,
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5:17 - 5:20what it seems like is
when both parents are working, -
5:20 - 5:23one parent is typically tasked
with organizing the household -
5:23 - 5:24and keeping the home running.
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5:24 - 5:28That person is typically a woman
or someone who identifies as such. -
5:28 - 5:31Far too often, those who identify
as mothers and as women -
5:31 - 5:35have to sacrifice their dreams
in order to appease the standard. -
5:36 - 5:37They have to sacrifice their dreams
-
5:37 - 5:42in order to ensure that motherhood
takes precedence over all else. -
5:42 - 5:45And I'm not here to say that it doesn't,
but what I am here to say is, -
5:45 - 5:50as equal partners and co-parents,
it is our duty to ensure -
5:50 - 5:53that our co-parenting partners
don't have to put their passions, -
5:53 - 5:54their pursuits and their dreams
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5:54 - 5:55to the back burner
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5:55 - 5:58just because we're too self-absorbed
to show up as allies. -
5:58 - 6:02(Applause)
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6:03 - 6:06Co-parenting makes the space
possible for everybody. -
6:07 - 6:08As a co-parent,
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6:08 - 6:11the time I've gotten
to share and spend with Lilah -
6:11 - 6:12is time I appreciate,
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6:12 - 6:16the time that has allowed me
to be fully present for my child, -
6:16 - 6:19removing the notion that the emotional
labor required to raise a child -
6:19 - 6:21is a woman's work.
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6:21 - 6:24As a co-parent, Lilah and I
have built snowmen, -
6:24 - 6:25we've played with acorns,
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6:25 - 6:28we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana,"
I know you have, too. -
6:29 - 6:30(Laughter)
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6:30 - 6:33She's sat with me while I've led workshops
at Columbia University, -
6:33 - 6:36when I talk about the intersections
of poetry, hip-hop and theater. -
6:36 - 6:39We get to talk about
her emotions and her feelings -
6:39 - 6:41because we have exclusive time together,
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6:41 - 6:42and that time is planned time,
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6:42 - 6:45it's organized around not just
my schedule but her mother's. -
6:45 - 6:49Both of us, as co-parents,
have unique parenting styles. -
6:50 - 6:52And we may argue at times,
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6:52 - 6:56but what we can always agree on
is how to raise a human -- -
6:57 - 6:59our human.
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7:01 - 7:05I will never fully
understand or comprehend -
7:05 - 7:08what it means to hold a child
in my body for 10 months. -
7:08 - 7:10I will never be able to understand
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7:10 - 7:12the trials and tribulations
of breastfeeding, -
7:12 - 7:14the work that it takes,
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7:14 - 7:17the emotional, physical,
psychological and emotional toll -
7:18 - 7:20that carrying a human
can have on the female body. -
7:22 - 7:24What co-parenting does is say,
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7:24 - 7:25we can create balance,
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7:25 - 7:28a more balanced home and work life
for everyone involved. -
7:28 - 7:32Co-parenting says that while parenting
may involve sacrifices, yes, -
7:32 - 7:36the weight of that sacrifice
is not solely resting on one parent alone. -
7:37 - 7:38No matter your relational dynamic,
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7:39 - 7:41no matter how you identify
as a human being -- -
7:41 - 7:42he, she, they, ze --
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7:42 - 7:45co-parenting says we can create
space and equity, -
7:46 - 7:49better communication, empathy,
I hear you, I see you, -
7:49 - 7:52how can I show up for you
in ways that benefits our family? -
7:53 - 7:55My goal:
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7:56 - 8:00I want more fathers to embrace
co-parenting as a model -
8:00 - 8:03for a better tomorrow,
a better today for ourselves, -
8:03 - 8:06for our co-parenting partners,
for our families, for our community. -
8:06 - 8:09I want more fathers talking
about fatherhood openly, -
8:09 - 8:11candidly, honestly, lovingly.
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8:11 - 8:12Right?
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8:12 - 8:15I want more people to recognize
that black fathers in particular -
8:15 - 8:18are more than the court system,
more than child support -
8:18 - 8:20and more than what the media
might portray us to be. -
8:20 - 8:23(Applause)
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8:25 - 8:27Our role as fathers, our role as parents,
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8:27 - 8:28our value as parents
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8:28 - 8:31is not dependent on the zeroes
at the ends of our checks -
8:31 - 8:34but the capacity within our hearts
to show up for our families, -
8:34 - 8:36for the people we love,
for our little ones. -
8:36 - 8:40Being a father is not only
a responsibility, it's an opportunity. -
8:41 - 8:44This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem
"Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs, -
8:44 - 8:47this is for Boola, this is for Tyron,
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8:47 - 8:50this is for all the black fathers who
are showing up on a day-to-day basis. -
8:50 - 8:54This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels,
my father, who didn't have the language -
8:54 - 8:57or the tools to show up
in the ways that he wanted to. -
8:58 - 8:59Thank you.
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9:00 - 9:01My name is Joel.
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9:01 - 9:03Hi Bria, hi West.
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9:04 - 9:06(In Yoruba) Amen.
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9:06 - 9:09(Applause)
- Title:
- The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting
- Speaker:
- Joel Leon
- Description:
-
"Co-parenting" isn't a buzzword -- it's a way of showing up for your family openly, consistently and lovingly, says storyteller and father Joel Leon. In this moving talk, he challenges all parents to play an equal, active role in their children's daily lives, even in a world that often places the weight of sacrifice on mothers alone. Leon encourages nuanced conversations about parenting and reminds us that being a parent isn't a responsibility -- it's an opportunity.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 09:25
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting |