Your Face is a Saxophone -- Episode 2 -- Miss Anthropy

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On this episode of Your Face is a Saxophone, all men are pigs.

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Previously on Your Face is a Saxophone

Look, Boss, Andrew is, uh, enthusiastic, but things just really haven't been the same since we lost Tommy.

-Hi, Eddie?
-Yes!

So you're the new Tommy?

Oh, dude, you gotta check this out, look look look, check it out, check it out, bro.

It means "awesome" in Asian.

I'm the big man around here! I make the decisions! And I get the big, fat bonus at the end of the fiscal year!

Andrew is a prick.

Your cut is...zero dollars and zero cents, Mr. Boulder!

Go die in a fire.

This is not the kind of reputation we should be spreading!

Do you have a better idea, dick-smack?

I do! We should be nice to people!

How 'bout we A/B this?

We'll go with your strategy, then with Andrew's strategy, and see what the data says.

You're goin' DOWN, bitch!

You have a three-inch penis.

Hey! Pap smear! Send me that CPM report from yesterday!

Normally, I'd just ignore you, but…

WHAT did you call me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why I said it. Anyway!

CPM report! Email it! Chop chop!

It's on the server! Get it yourself!

Uh huh. Yeah.

So. Hey. You wanna get dinner tonight?

Isn't there a sexual harassment policy in this office?

Geez! I'm just askin' if you wanna get dinner.

You have asked me that EVERY single day since I broke up with you

And EVERY single time, I have responded

With some permutation of "Go fuck yourself!"

Why don't you use your chart-making skills and analyze that trend?¡

So…you wanna get dinner?

I wanna stab you in the testicles.

Helvetica's totally better than Myriad!

Are you kidding? It's boring. Everyone uses it now.

Yeah, why do think everyone uses it? 'Cause it's awesome!

It's cliché. And besides, it's all bland and square-y and…

I don't know, it's just too Grotesque for me.

-It's not gross! How is it gross? It's not gross at all!
-Blake! Get back to work!

I don't have any work! You haven't given us a project yet.

You don't look busy! Employees are supposed to look busy!

-B-b-but I--
-No buts! I'm a boss! I'm acting like a boss! Go act like you're busy!

Aww…

Eddie! Are you working? Are you hard at work?

Well, we don't have a project yet, so actually I'm just --

You look like you're working! Keep up the good work!

Hey! There we go!

[BOSS:] Leora! Are you working?

Hellllllo there!

-Ow!
-Sorry!

Okay, team! I'm glad we all had such a productive morning!

We didn't do anything, Boss. There wasn't anything to do.

And it got done in record time! Give yourselves a hand!

Now, you may remember on Friday, we decided to have a little bit of a shooooooowdooooooown!

[CRICKETS CHIRP]

So! Conveniently enough, we have two new clients who need us to

Amplify their brand experience with engaging and relevant content!

It's a perfect opportunity for us to see which strategy is the most breakthrough at leveraging influencers

And igniting organic conversations!

What the fuck does that mean?

I think he's talking about me versus Andrew, somehow.

First order of business: teams!

In this corner: Edward Tungsten-Cohen!

And his team members: Kevin, Leora, and Blake!

All right! I'm on Team Edward!

And in this corner! Andrew Sholes!

And his team members:

Janet, Michael, Robert, Puneet, Philip, Jason, Ivan, Marty, Kirk!

Wait! Why does he get more people than me?

You don't want 'em.

They're his marketroid posse people things.

Now! Andrew! Your clients will be here in just a moment!

[INTERCOM BEEPS] Leila?

-Yes?
-Aagh! Oh god!

Um, uh, please, uh

Let the Schwab folks in? Thanks.

[BOSS SHUDDERS UNCOMFORTABLY]

Anyway! Eddie! Your clients are waiting in the downstairs conference room!

-We have a downstairs conference room?
-We have a downstairs?

So get those meetings going, team, and let's get ready for some marketing!

So, you gentlemen are from MillerCoors?

Yes. We'd like to expand the market of our Miller Lite premium reduced-calorie pilsner beverage

To target consumers in the female demographic,

But without compromising the brand's tried-and-true message of hyper-masculinity

And misogynistic behavior.

I…see.

Wow, Zac! Beer ads are misogynistic?

That's so insightful¡ Nobody has ever made that observation before¡

Well, it's still happening, so obviously we need to keep pointing it out.

Or you're an unoriginal, talentless hack.

Yeah, that too.

♫Don't you wanna tell 'em what they really want? / Yeah, and don't you wanna tell 'em all where they should shop?♫

♫And blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫

♫Yeah, and blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫

♫Yeah, and don't you wanna get yourself control of their minds / Yeah, and don't you wanna keep it till the end of time?♫

♫And blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫

♫Yeah, and blah de blah de blah de blah de blah♫

♫Well, it may be a lie and it may not make sense♫

♫But it's bound to catch an eye or two♫

Is your wallet stuffed up and congested with money?

But Sudafed has fast-acting high prices to unclog all that cash instantly!

You can't get THAT kind of fast-acting power when you buy generic!

Sudafed: Because "pseudoephedrine" is such a big word.

Look, asshole! You don't have any right to call me a pretentious yuppie douchebag!

You're supposed to be a genius, so shut the fuck up and fix my god damn iPad!

I'm not a douchebag.

Okay, bitches! Everyone drop everything and come pay attention to me!

-Uh, I was kinda busy working on--
-Shut up, diversity quota, nobody asked you.

Now. Can someone remind me who the hell it was we were supposed to be meeting with?

I honestly couldn't be bothered enough to pay attention.

It vas Charles Schwab, ze investment firm.

I know that, you commie bastard! It was a rhetorical question!

-No it vasn't!
-Why are you still talking?

Go get alcohol poisoning from vodka, or whatever you people do.

Okay, Charles Schwab, uhhhh, what do they do, they let you buy stocks and shit, right?

Anyone? Hello?

-Are we allowed to answer?
-Are you allowed to--?

What the fuck kind of question is that?! Yes, you're allowed to answer!

Why would I ask something if I didn't want an answer?

-Because you ask rhetorical ques--
-THAT was another rhetorical question, dumbass!

Jesus fucking christ, this guy…

[DEEP BREATH]

Oh my god!

All right. Now is ANYBODY gonna answer my question?

Yes, they let you buy stocks.

-They're a stock broker.
-I KNOW they let you buy stocks! I just SAID that!

You people are FUCKING killing me today!

I was asking: who's the demographic we're tryin' to reach?

Nooooo you weren't.

Excuse me, how do you know what I was asking?

-Clearly I don't¡
-Are you inside my head?

-No¡
-Do you have any understanding of my own personal thought processes that go on inside my brain?

-Absolutely not¡
-No! You don't. So!

You don't get to tell me what I was asking, because I,

Of all people, would know exactly what that was, and YOU would not!

Hey, uh, can I get by?

Go around!

I can't go around! My cubicle's right behind you guys!

-So climb!
-Wh-what?

Now! Where was I before we were so RUDELY interrupted?

-Uh, you vere…
-Did I look like I was done talking?!

Demographics! We need to reach upper middle-class professionals, 35 to 59.

That's our market for Charles Schwab.

The guys from Schwab said they wanted 18 to 34.

They wanna reach more young people.

Did I ask for your OPINION?

That's the client's opinion! We're supposed to be doing what the client wants.

[BLAKE SCREAMS; STUFF CRASHES]

Okay, Janet, you know what? You know what?!

You're not supposed to talk! Your job is to stand there

And be a PAIR OF TITS for me to look at! Okay?!

Uh…um…

I just asked you a question!

[COPY MACHINE BEEPS, WHIRRS]

It came out a little bit blue, didn't it?

It's fine. This is just a mock-up.

Oh, yeah yeah yeah, right.

So, did you get that thing with your apartment worked out?

Oh, yeah, it's all fine now.

I spent an hour on the phone with Con Ed, and they'd gotten a cancellation request or something?

I don't know. It was so weird.

But anyway, power's back on…landlord doesn't think I'm broke…

I…have to replace a lot of what was in the refrigerator.

Ugh, that sucks. I'm sorry.

So, what, someone else just called them up and told them to cut your power off?

-I guess so.
-Who would do that?

Well…Andrew, maybe.

He likes to mess with my head.

He'd be able to convince Con Ed that he lived at your apartment?

-Ow! Uh, let's just not get into that.
-Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey! You guys remember Pepsi Nano?

Yeah?

Well, hehe, it got recalled.

Really?

Yeah, says here everybody who drank it got real sick.

-There was even this one lady who needed a liver transpla--
-Heyyyy! Kevin!

I totally think I might've a little bit sort of…

-Brokenyourcomputer HEY! That looks great!
-Wait, what?

-Thank you!
-Yeah, definitely diggin' the blood splatter on her skirt right there!

-That's badass!
-What blood spatter?
-It looks so real, too!

Hey, whatdja say about my computer?!

Oh shit! I'm really bleeding!

Whoa, you're using real blood in that?

Damn, Leora, you're hardcore!

Uh, do you need, like, a band-aid or somethin'?

I think I need more than a…

Uh, tissues! Get me some tissues!

-Where are they?
-Yo, what was that about breaking my computer?

They're up on the shelf, with the thing!

What thing?

The thing on the shelf with the stuff!

-You know, the thing!
-Okay, I'm getting a little dizzy here.

Well, howdy-ho, team! Looks like there's a change of plans!

Kevin! You're on Team Andrew now! We're swapping you with Janet!

Whoa, whoa, what? No! Why do I have to go there?
[LEORA HYPERVENTILATES]

Why can't we just have five people?
[LEORA HYPERVENTILATES]

He's already got a bajillion!
[LEORA HYPERVENTILATES]

Okay, what is she doing here? She's an accountant!

I'm bleeding! What's happening?!

Okay, Eddie, y'know the thing with the buttons?

-The scanner?
-Yeah, it's on that shelf!

-Where?
-Right next to it!

Next to it whe--? Oh. Auggh! It's empty!

What the HELL do you mean, it's empty?!

Okay, I'm feeling really sleepy right now.

I'm sure you'll all manage JUST fine with Janet here!

Oh, wow! That's really nice, Leora!

Has the client seen it yet?

[THUD]

-Hey, are you okay from earli--?
-I'm fine!

Okay, I was just worried that--

You know what? I don't need your sympathy!

I'm not trying to impress you, and I don't care what you think.

And I don't appreciate you coming in here and disrupting the group dynamic

That I have worked SO hard to maintain

Which is NOT an easy thing to do when we have to breathe the same air as people like YOU all day!

Punch THAT into your little spreadsheet, why don'tcha?¡

Geez, I was just tryin' to be nice.

[SIGH] You're right.

I apologize.

But I don't want you stepping on our creative decisions. Okay?

[EDDIE:] Have a seat, gentlemen.

So, we've planned this great campaign for you

With some imagery that can be deployed in print, on billboards, on television, and on Facebook.

[DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS]

[CHAIR CREAKS]

Um…hi…

Mark Zuckerberg. What are you doing here?

Just chillin'.

Ooookay, why are you here?

Well, I heard you guys were gonna use Facebook, so I figured, y'know, I could just

Like, swing by, hang out, it's all good, man!

Uh, well…actually, this is a

Business meeting, and it's supposed to be private.

What, you got somethin' to hide?

No! No! Not really! We just, uh,

Appreciate a little, uh…

This is just between us and our clients.

Nah, don't worry, man! It's cool, it's cool.

I mean, everybody has business meetings. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Right. Okay. I'm just gonna, uh…

Okay.

Gentlemen!

You wanted to both sell to, and objectify, women at the same time.

So! We have for you a campaign that

To the Y chromosome, seems like a teenage fantasy

But! To the X chromosome, empowers and emboldens!

Allow us to introduce you to:

Miller Lite! Kick some ass!

We went with the "warrior princess" theme as a way to subvert the conventional

"Barely-dressed woman" thing

And in turn, use it not for sexualization

But for female empowerment.

But you need to, to, uh…

To think about that a bit to really realize what it means.

Because on the surface, your typical male base sees another hot girl

But from a female perspective, it's, uh…

It's all like, "You go, girl!" And stuff like that!

-Oh yeah!
-Exactly!

So! What do ya think?

-Crap!
-Terrible!

Unusable!

What? Uh, okay, what are the, uhm…

Issues we need to work on?

It's not nearly misogynistic enough.

In fact, I'd say it's not actually misogynistic at all!

W-well, on one level, it is!

Because, I mean, we're not even showing her face, right?

And the word "ass" is in the slogan

And we're focusing RIGHT on that

And so it's definitely, absolutely

SOMEWHAT degrading!

But she has CLOTHING on!

Uh…but, we uh…

It's not really LEGAL in this country to show a, uh

Completely naked woman.

Legal? We're a gigantic multinational corporation!

You think we care what's LEGAL?

Fix this! Fix this right now!

Poke!

You vant us to just cut ze whole thing? Zat's three days of vork down ze drain!

Focus group didn't like it. Do it over.

-Zat focus group vas full of twelve-year-olds!
-Don't disparage the maturity of our demographic, dickflop!

Customers are always right.

No, it vas literally full of twelve-year-olds!

-You gave it to ze wrong focus group!
-Remember, people, by the numbers!

Everything by the numbers!

Are you working?

I'm waiting on Andrew. He hasn't told me what we're doin' yet.

So…you're not working? You're not BUSY?

You're just sitting around and doing NOTHING?!

I…guess you could say that, yeah.

Well, I'm not paying you to sit around and do nothing!

You know who pays people to sit around and do nothing?

The federal government!

I worked for the US Census Bureau from 1991 to 1999

And there wasn't a single day when they made us do anything!

Well, I left there and said, "No more!"

"My employees won't get paid to sit around n' do nothing like a bunch of government workers!"

"I'm gonna make 'em DO things!"

So…what should I do?

Things!

(♫Dun dun dun, like a boss! Dun dun dun, like a boss!♫)

Hey, Andy! You got any THINGS for me to do?

Things? Uh…

Yeah! Actually, ah, now that I think about it

You could, uh…

Sit down!

Shut the fuck up!

And buy me a new iPad!

And you're payin'!

Christ al-fuckin'-mighty.

Listerine fights plaque!

And has the power to rid your mouth of biofilm!

"Biofilm" is a fancy new word we found one day!

It basically means plaque.

Listerine! We have a thesaurus!

I'm at a loss. What do we do now?

Maybe if we just, like

Make it about her boobs instead!

'Cause, y'know, guys have asses too, but

They don't have boobs. Boobs are more, like, exclusively womanish!

You get me?

-Uh, I don't really--
-Oh! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, you're right!

'Cause like, some guys, if they're like, really fat and stuff

They have man-boobs, so

I guess chicks don't really have a monippley on that either.

WHAT?!

Maybe we just need to give 'em what they wanna see.

Janet, we DID what they asked for. They didn't like it.

Right, so, don't give them what they asked for. Give them what they want.

Take a look.

-Uh…
-Well…

It's DEFINITELY more misogynistic.

But I'm…kinda missing the part where it appeals to women.

Well, clearly they have no idea what appeals to women.

So we can just tell them that THIS does, and they'll believe us.

But it doesn't! That would be lying!

Yeah, I know. But look, the purpose of this exercise is to not be a dick to the client.

That's it. We don't have to act in their best interest, we just have to be nice.

That's not really what I was going for, though.

Okay, look. There will be many, MANY opportunities in the future to advance the craft of advertising

But this is not one of them. We can't win this battle

So let's just make the client happy, and get them out the door

So we can all move on to better things.

I'm not so sure I'm comfortable saying all this.

I know. We don't like it any more than you do.

Trust me, this is just a paycheck for me too.

As soon as we're done here, I'm going straight to my priest.

[CLANG]

[CLICK]

Okay, this is Miller Lite, take one!

[CLAP]

[BLAKE:] Action!

Listen, woman! I don't wanna hear your whining or your excuses!

I don't want you to tell me about your FEELINGS, because the only

FEELING you should be having is this

Long hard thing pouring delicious liquid in your face!

How many of you women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None!

You can cook my steak in the dark!

Miller Lite! Drink it, bitch!

You see? It speaks directly to women!

-Amazing!
-It's genius!

The female demographic will eat this up!

Wait! What did the focus group think?

So! What do you guys think?

Durrrrr, there's too much motion blur!

They LOVED it!

Then so do we!

My ad campaign is better than your ad campaign!

-You haven't even SEEN mine!
-I don't have to!

Could you NOT invade my personal space in the men's room?

The boss is gonna see for sure that you know NOTHING about advertising!

Why do you have to be such a massive DICK all the time?

To be ironic?

Because it gets results!

You know what they say, Edward.

Nice guys finish last.

Yeah, that's why I can please a woman better than YOU can!

[SHARP BREATH]

[UNDOING BELT, UNZIPPING PANTS]

Wha?! Mark Zuckerberg?!

-What the hell are you doing?
-Hey, man, what's up?

-G-get out of here!
-What, you got somethin' to hide?

I'm USING the TOILET!

Nah, don't worry, man! It's cool, it's cool.

I mean, everybody takes a shit, nothin' to be ashamed of.

Wh-- g-- g-get out!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold that pose!

[CAMERA SHUTTER]

I like this!

Honestly, I don't get that drunk! Alcohol just literally goes right through me!

[WAITRESS SCREAMS]

So, how'd it all go with Miss Robo-Zombie-Accountant-Lady?
[PHONE RINGS]

-[EDDIE:] Not bad, actually.
-[BLAKE:] Yeah, she pretty much came up with the whole idea herself.

Huh. Great¡

No, it was actually, uh…

Well, it was horribly offensive

And I'm ashamed to have been associated with it

But from a creative standpoint, it was

Pretty well thought out.

Psh. Yeah, right¡ From a fuckin' accountant¡

Don't let her fool ya. They're all just like Andrew.

I…thought so too.

But maybe not.

No. No way. Anybody who takes orders from Andy's got
[PHONE BLEEPS]

Nothin' inside of 'em. No fuckin' soul, no nothin' at all.

[EDDIE:] Well, you WERE working under him.

[KEVIN:] I didn't do SHIT for him! Anything he said to me, I was just like

[KEVIN:] Fuck you! No!

Well, that's mature¡

What do you mean, "that's mature"?!

This is Andy we're talkin' about. It's the only way to deal with 'im!

Or perhaps…it's the only way you've tried.

T--Tommy?

Dude! What's up?

The thumbtack is still your brother, but he has forgotten that.

He wishes to fight you

But you must remind him that you are all of the same blood.

You are all human beings. And therefore

You are all fightin' for the same thing.

Tommy, this is Eddie.

The boss brought him in to replace y--

Well--

Not that ANYONE could replace you.

Well met, brother Eddie.

I sense your strength, your resolve, and your compassion.

These are powerful qualities.

Your brothers and sister are lucky to have you.

T-thank you, sir.

The thumbtack shall resent you and sabotage you, but do not fight him, brother.

Show him the way.

I've been tryin', Tommy. I've been tryin' for so long!

I don't think it's possible!

You must take another path, brother Kevin.

Perhaps brother Eddie will show you the way as well.

Awwwwwwwwwwww yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry for being, uh…

Not so nice to you. For the past week.

Don't worry about it.

I'm really embarrassed.

It's okay. Don't worry.

No. Look. I just--

I wasn't myself.

I don't do that.

I don't act like that.

Most of the time.

Well, I kinda walked in on you while you were bleedin' to death, honey.

Don't sweat it. We all have our bad days.

Weeks.

Weeks.

So…

What was it that made you want to, uh…

Switch sides?

You know that guy in our ad?

Well, let's just say he was inspired by a real person.

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that. [LAUGHS]

So, would you maybe want to, uh…

Play on our team a bit more?

It was fun, but I gotta stick by my compatriots.

I'm sort of the, uh, one-girl support group for everyone.

If that makes sense.

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

Okay, team! The results are in!

Team Edward made us…

Nine hundred thousand, one hundred and thirty-seven dollars!

And Team Andrew made us…

Nine hundred thousand, one hundred and thirty-seven dollars!

It's a tie! Congratulations!

Everybody wins!

Wait! What about how satisfied the clients were?

What about what about WHAT now?!

The clients! Were they satisfied? Do they hate us?

Are they gonna tell everybody that we suck and not to do business with us?

Huh. I…didn't ask.

Boss, that was the entire reason we were doing all of this!

Oh.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllll…

Fuck.

Who wants lunch?

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