Stop trying to change | Kaley Klemp | TEDxBoulder

Have you ever tried to change and come up short? In this talk, Kaley Klemp takes her experience working with hundreds of senior executives to create a new model for personal and professional development. Kaley Warner Klemp is a sought-after speaker, YPO Facilitator, and transformational executive coach. She advises leaders on how to uncover and address core challenges in communication, trust, and culture. She has a BA and MA from Stanford University and has co-authored three books.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

We have all been told to change.

Maybe your spouse says,

"You are going to regret
how much you're working!"

"You are going to regret
not spending time with the kids!"

Or maybe you've gotten
"constructive" criticism at work,

"You should be more assertive,
be more self-promotional!"

Maybe your friends have told you,

"You are too sensitive,
not everything is personal!"

Or maybe your family teases you,
"You are too intense. Tone it down!"

As you think of feedback you've received,

what was the message?

Was it a shock?

Something you'd never
heard or thought before?

For most of us, the answer is no.

If your feedback was old news,

I want to let you in on a little secret
I've learned coaching hundreds of leaders:

No one changes.

(Laughter)

I've getting the same feedback
for nearly 40 years,

and it's not like I haven't been
working on myself.

Take the thousands of hours
I've spent studying,

meditating, getting degrees,
practicing yoga,

and I'm still the same
I was when I was five.

I've been trying to get everything
just right as long as I can remember,

and criticizing in the process.

I really did tell my mom when I was five
that she was making my PB & J wrong,

"Mom! Two knives; peanut butter
on one piece of bread, jelly on the other,

then, trim the crusts."

(Laughter)

I was the oldest of three little kids.

Dad was trying to get
a new business off the ground;

Mom was keeping it all together.

They said, "Go play,"

but I decided I was going to be
a good, responsible girl,

even if it meant that I didn't make it
to the playground in time to play,

I was going to tie those shoelaces
and make that sandwich perfectly.

The message in most feedback
is some form of change.

"Stop doing that thing
that you've been doing.

Start over; do the opposite!"

And yet, sometimes, even while trying,

we don't; we can't.

We can't be completely different
from who we are.

"Dear dog, be a cat!"

(Laughter)

No matter the effort, we come up short.

Change comes with a lot of "shoulds."

And with should, comes shame:

that how you are doing it
or who you are is wrong.

That kind of pressure doesn't create
the change we want.

So I think it's time to change the goal.

Don't change.

Grow!

Don't change.

Successful people don't.

There is tremendous relief in that.

Feel it. Don't Change.

Don't make a 180º,
don't be completely different,

don't "should" on yourself.

(Laughter)

Instead, through awareness
and appreciation, grow!

Grow to be the best version of yourself.

Okay, but what does that mean?

How do I grow?

There are two steps.

The first step is awareness.

Name the pattern of what is happening.

Sometimes, the feedback names it for you,

and sometimes, it takes some
self-reflection to be able to name

"I don't have boundaries;
I give my power away,"

or "I'm working
to the detriment of my family,"

or "I get stuck in procrastination."

In my group of friends,
we take it to the extreme:

We literally name the parts of ourselves
that get caught in the pattern.

So, the part of me that's working
so hard to get it right,

that I miss out on the fun,

we call her "shoelace girl."

Or "laces," for short.

So when my friends found out
that I manage my e-mail inbox to zero ...

every day,

(Laughter)

or that I clean the inside -

(Laughter)

I clean the inside of my kitchen drawers
with a toothbrush,

they can just laugh,"What? Laces!"

Just being able to name something
helps take the sting out of it.

It depersonalizes it just enough
to give you something to work with.

But with awareness we also become
conscious of the costs of our pattern.

Sometimes, others can't see it,

but you know.

For me, striving to be perfect,
it sounds great.

It's like that interview question,
"What's your greatest weakness?"

Perfectionism.

It makes you want to roll your eyes.

But what you miss on the outside

is the pain of a relentless
inner critic that says,

"Not good enough yet.

Nope, still not good enough."

You are likely conscious of your costs.

That's why we want to change.

But step two is appreciation.

Can you see the benefit of your pattern?

What good does it provide?

Maybe that hard work provides
a lifestyle for you and your family,

or jobs for others.

Maybe your vigilance protected you
from something really bad happening.

You might be the reason
your group of friends is so tight.

I appreciate how much effort I put in
to being a good daughter, spouse, friend,

parent, and overall a good person.

There's an earnestness
I really love about myself.

So, as you think of your pattern

and look at it through
the lens of appreciation,

what benefit do you see?

Change comes with the expectation
of now, the instant 180º.

Growth isn't immediate.

Do you remember coming back to school
after summer vacation as a kid

and everyone was taller?

We grew.

But if you watched day by day,
it was imperceptible.

The same is true of personal
and professional growth.

It takes time; it's often subtle.

But even if the others
on the outside can't tell,

growth creates a new experience
and prospective.

You develop.

And then, maybe 10%,
maybe even 30% of the time,

you choose a different behavior

and over time,
that's a massive difference.

One in every ten meetings,
you speak first.

You take one risk that seems out there.

Maybe, instead of taking care
of everyone else,

you take care of yourself ...

sometimes.

With awareness on your intensity,
you remember to smile.

Occasionally, after a mistake I've made,

I laugh at myself rather than
beating myself up for it.

Leave an e-mail unanswered and go play.

We're not changed; we grew.

With awareness, the ability
to name the pattern,

and appreciation,
the ability to see its benefits,

the should-shame cycle drops away,

and more of the best of who we are
shines through:

the wise adviser, the soulful artist,

the inspiring leader, the loyal friend.

There is more of our inherent best.

And that is growth.

So, back to you.

What's your pattern?

How would you name it?

What benefits does it provide?

Now how will you grow?

Thank you.

(Applause)