Bullying is in the eyes and ears of the beholder | Craig Crawford | TEDxHelena

What is bullying and what is the frequency that it occurs in our schools? What is at the root of bullying and what can we do to best combat it?

Craig Crawford has been working as an educator for 17 years, a principal for eight years, assistant principal for four years, and a teacher for five years. He was one of six siblings, whose father was a superintendent. Craig has experience working with Pre-K ages through adult education students, and he also teaches at Carroll College. He has been a victim of bullying and works with bullies in his current role. Craig also serves as president of the Helena Kiwanis Club, where he leads youth leadership camps. He is also on the Board of Directors for the Salvation Army and vice-president of the Montana Association of Elementary and Middle School Principals.

www.stopbullying.gov

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I'm an elementary principal here in town.

I've been in education for 17 years.

One of the things I love
about working with kids

is that they can be honest
almost to a scary point.

I have a legion of kids that will tell me
it's time to lose a few pounds,

hair is turning gray,

and other things they want me to work on.

(Laughter)

But sometimes, they can say things
that can come across as unkind,

even be bullies.

The teaching we do goes well beyond
just the academic piece of schooling.

Some of our most important lessons
take place in the playground each day.

A disagreement about a tire swing
can be quite the life lesson.

As I watch the news
and see things in Washington,

there are some people there

who would certainly be missing out
on some recesses right now.

(Laughter)

But trying to get kids to understand
time and place about things,

that can be a tricky thing,

and to get them
to understand those lessons.

Sometimes, these things they say
can come across as bullying,

but an important question could be:
"What is bullying?"

So let's take a look at that.

A definition of bullying is something
that has to be an imbalance of power,

it has to be repetitive

and it has to be ongoing
and have somebody be a victim of that.

So sometimes, a kid might say
or do something that is mean

or come across as unkind,

but if it's a one-time event,

it's not going to really meet
the threshold of bullying.

It's just a life lesson
that we get a chance to teach them.

But it's that ongoing piece that kids have

that can make them
actually be considered as a bully.

Part of that is a lesson
that comes in that it's not just kids;

it can be adults.

If you take a moment

and think back to whoever
your favorite teacher was in school,

you probably won't tell me
about their subject matter.

You won't tell me about how you got
to really use that thing of SOHCAHTOA,

or something like that -

we're able to extend a polynomial
and factor it out.

It was about the way they made you feel.

It was about the way they knew
that you weren't giving your best,

and they were going
to ride you until you did.

So there can be bullies there.

I am a math and science guy,

in part because this side of my brain
is pretty functional;

this one, well,
there's something up there.

But also in part because of a 7th grade
language arts teacher I had.

She decided that she didn't like me.

I decided it was a mutual feeling.

And so, that's the way our year went,
but she was the person in power.

She was the person who had the control

and made a point
of belittling me as a writer.

And part of that was,
because of this side of my brain,

I wrote this much, and not this much.

But she made me feel
pretty small as a writer,

and she was in charge.

So adults can do that as well.

But there's statistics
about what bullying is,

so let's take a look at those.

Essentially, and summarizing these,

it comes down to one in five kids
reports being bullied.

So, if you look at
the two people to your right

and the two peole to your left,

odds are likely that one of you
might have been bullied.

I would contend that it
is probably more than that,

but kids may not report it
or may not feel that it is.

It might be just things
that are exchanged.

Sometimes within my own family
or friends of mine,

we might exchange words
that people would probably hear and say,

"Ugh, somebody just got
bullied right there."

But that can just be the way
we talk with each other.

But the stats lead me
to this next slide I want to go to here.

We've got two pictures
up here of bullying.

The one over on this side

is the typical scene of bullying
that we all think of.

There's the big beastie of a kid
who's going to beat up on the smaller kid,

and that smaller kid has that fearing look
because something bad is about to happen.

We've all kind of been in that spot
or have seen somebody in that spot.

So that's one we understand.

I want to talk about the other picture,

and I'm going to extend that
a little bit as well

because I want us to think about

more than just what's happening
to the direct victim in this.

We have the kid that's noted
in here as the target,

and you see that the bullies
are giving him the stare down.

The look in that kid's eyes is real.

That's fear,

fear of, "Am I about to be
physically harmed?

How's this going to go?

What's going to happen
through the rest of this?"

We understand what the victims
of bullying look like,

but I really want to talk
about the other kids there,

and I want you to think
about them in a bigger way.

The assistant, let's talk
about him for a second.

That kid is probably leaning
around the corner saying,

"I've hooked up with the bully. I'm in.

I've got a certain level of protection
because I'm part of the gang right now."

The sad thing for that kid

is he's probably going to be
incorrect about that.

Bullying will come somewhere else.

Let's talk about the bully himself.

I find that most of the kids
that are bullies

are bullied in some way, shape or form.

And so, for the bully,

it's, "I'm going to be in charge
of this situation.

I'm going to be able to control something,

and this kid, my target,
is going to allow me to have some control

because I don't
in other areas of my life."

We have the reinforcers,

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Not that I would ever hear that.

But part of what they might be saying
with "Fight, fight, fight"

is kind of a synonym
for "Thank God that's not me."

And for some of those kids,
that's the thing.

They might be victims of things
in their own world,

and so the fact
that it's going somewhere else

is really what they're talking about.

The outsiders are an interesting mix,

and as I say some of this,
you might say, "Okay ... "

but stay with me.

The gals, if look at them,

their eyes are very similar
to the target's,

and there could be a piece of them
just looking at it, going,

"Yeah, that just feels really bad,"

and it could be because
of what goes on in their world.

If we think about it,

those gals could be victims
of physical abuse,

they could be victims of something
going on not good in their world,

and so, seeing that
can be pretty tricky for them.

The kid by his locker
that's got the "Uhhh ... " going on -

I see kids like that,

and for that kid, it could be,

"I wish that was the worst thing
that was going to happen to me today."

And so, that yawn could be,

"I'm acting like I'm not
really interested in that,"

but it could also be of,

"Yeah, I wish that was all
that's going to happen

because I'll get home tonight
and this will happen,"

or "Later today, this is going to happen."

Some people will say about kids
that they just need to toughen up.

Well, I will tell you, I've got kids
that come to my school every day

that are tougher than Superman
and are my heroes

with what they endure
outside of our school,

and they come in willing to learn.

My little catchphrase
that I like to say is,

"We have to take care
of the Maslow part of the kids

before we get to
the Bloom's taxonomy of kids,"

meaning, is their hierarchy of needs met?

If a kid comes through
my doors in the morning,

and he's hungry, hasn't slept,

was abused or something at home,

and the first thing we do is say,

"Here's a sheet of math
problems, get to work,"

he's not going to focus on that math.

That's not concerning to him at all.
His thing is, "Will I be fed or not?"

But back up here
to my buddy that's yawning.

Again, there could be things
that are going on in his world

that I just want you to consider -

that because of these kids
having this event take place,

it's taken other people to dark places.

If I have kids get in a fight
on the playground

and they'll come in and say,

"We just got in a fight on the playground,
what's the big deal?"

I will say to them,
"Well, you two got into a fight,

and we're going to talk about that,

but this person over here
is physically abused at home,

and so, any time they see
some physical thing taking place,

it takes them to a dark spot."

"Well, we were just
calling each other names,

and that's the way we talk to each other."

"This person is emotionally
abused at home,

they're belittled everywhere,

so when they hear that happening,
it takes them to a dark place."

A lot of people look at me and say,

"That guy's never been bullied.
Look at the size of him!"

Wrong.

I was bullied a lot growing up,
sometimes because of my size.

I was Jolly Green Giant,
Sasquatch, Bigfoot -

you can think of all of those things.

But I also was a victim of very intense
physical and emotional abuse at my house.

Not my parents!

Let me make sure I get that clear.

But it's a thing
that it's very personal to me,

and so, when I see it,

I have a very real, visceral reaction
to bullying when it takes place.

So what's the best way
we can combat bullying?

Let's look at that.

I'm going to try to read through this,

"The action of understanding,
being aware of, being sensitive to,

and vicariously experiencing ... "
and all those other big words.

And let's go and bring it down:
walk in somebody's shoes,

and not the old joke
of "walk a mile in somebody's shoes"

because then you're a mile away
and you have their shoes - not that.

But actually put yourself
in the place of other people.

I do victims' impact panels
for the Department of Corrections.

A school I worked in was robbed
a few years ago,

and they had me come in
and talk to the convicts

about the ripple effects of their crime

because they think, "We stole things;
we sold them. What's the big deal?"

And trying to get them
to understand bigger picture

of the fact that,
because they stole things,

we are now having
to backfill those things -

we're not buying new things for the kids,
we're having to backfill those -

and how it impacts the parents and their
feeling about security in the building.

I can tell you right now:

I've spent a lot of time
in the past couple days

dealing with parents and their feelings
of security within the school.

We've had no issue in the school,
but there's been issues in schools.

So trying to get the inmates
to think larger picture

about how it's not
just your direct victim,

it's how what you do
can impact others around you.

My own two naughty little children,

who are 20 and 21,

will tell you that
they've heard their dad say,

"Nobody has the right
to make somebody have a bad day."

And that's a piece of empathy
and trying to get kids to understand that.

I work with my students
in my building all the time

to have a better feeling of that.

Each morning, on our announcements,

I will say,

"You have two things to do today:

keep hands, feet and objects
to yourselves,

and secondly, I want you to say
at least three kind things

to somebody in the building.

Find three people,
and say something kind to them,

and nothing unkind."

Easier said than done.

But the thing we try to work with them

is that the golden rule
is really a good rule.

"When we talk about our school,
if all of you will do that,

then over a thousand kind things
will be said today.

And won't that make
for a better day for people?"

And it's kind of a good challenge
that we could all go away with as adults

to say, "OK, I'm going to find
three people today and say,

'Hey, I love the way that you got
your car parked right there - super.'"

instead of saying, "I can't believe ... "

(Laughter)

I don't want to see you laugh

because you think about the other thing
you said about how they parked their car.

(Laughter)

But if we would all say three kind things,

what kind of difference would that make?

And so, that would be
my challenge for you tonight.

In an effort to stop bullying,

try to make people think
about beyond what's there.

Who's hearing the message
that you're saying?

Who's seeing the message
that you're conveying?

And think about that

beyond just that direct person
that you're talking to.

I can tell you, it's a real challenge
for elementary kids.

It's a real challenge for this
"overweight, gray-haired, old man,"

as the kids will tell me.

But it is the takeaway
I'd like you to have for tonight.

Thank you.

(Applause)