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How can I not let my anger explode?

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    (Bell)
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    Dear Thay, dear Sangha
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    (SPANISH)
    At times I control
    a lot of anger coming up.
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    I keep it inside, but then
    it suddenly explodes.
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    I let it all out at once,
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    without knowing why and without
    being able to control it at that time.
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    When all my anger explodes
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    I hurt the other person
    and also myself a lot.
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    And then I do not have compassion
    for the other, because I'm not aware of it.
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    After I have calmed down and
    my anger has exploded and I let it out.
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    then I have compassion
    and I am aware that I made him suffer.
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    But in the moment I do it,
    I cannot do anything.
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    How can I do this?
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    Dear Thay, our friend is saying...
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    This is another question about anger.
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    She feels a lot of anger come up sometimes.
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    and she doesn't want to let it come out.
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    So she tries to keep it under control,
    she's pushing it down.
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    But then, at some point
    it explodes, it comes out
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    and she can hurt the other person.
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    She feels sorry to hurt the other person.
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    She feels compassion for
    the suffering she caused him.
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    And she wants to know how she can
    take better care of the situation.
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    Is she capable of seeing the
    suffering of the other person?
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    (FRENCH)
    Can she see the suffering
    in the other person?
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    And when?
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    Before or after the explosion?
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    I do see their suffering
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    but I still have the strong emotion
    come up.
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    What can I do with it?
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    To control is not enough.
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    To control may be to suppress.
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    Suppressing is not good,
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    because it is always there,
    you pin it down
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    but it is still there.
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    So suppressing is not good.
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    We have to transform.
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    And to transform you need compassion.
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    The only antidote for anger,
    violence is compassion.
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    There is no other way.
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    But how to fabricate compassion?
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    How to generate the energy of compassion?
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    That is the real question.
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    And in this retreat we have learnt
    to recognize the suffering?
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    Because the suffering in that person is
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    the cause of his action
    or of words that can make you suffer.
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    The anger in him waters
    the anger in you.
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    The violence in him waters
    the violence in you.
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    And that is why...we have
    to breathe in and out mindfully
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    and to look, to see
    that the other person is a victim
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    of his own violence, his own suffering,
    his own misunderstanding.
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    This is very important.
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    This is the teaching of the Buddha:
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    look at suffering and
    understand suffering.
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    When you understand your own suffering
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    you can understand the suffering of
    the other person.
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    Understanding suffering always
    brings compassion.
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    And only compassion can
    transform anger and violence.
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    There are those of us
    who think that we can...
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    we can take the block of anger out of us,
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    like doing surgery.
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    But you cannot do that with anger.
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    You cannot take anger out of you.
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    You can only transform it.
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    Anger can be transformed within
    into something else.
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    Anger can be transformed into
    understanding and compassion
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    And that is the work of the practitioner:
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    looking into the suffering,
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    your own suffering and
    the suffering of the other person,
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    and trying to understand the cause.
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    That is the way to generate
    the energy of compassion.
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    And when compassion is there
    it transforms anger.
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    You don't need to take it out.
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    There are those who try to take it out.
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    There are those who advise you to
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    take it out by the practice of
    so-called 'ventilation'.
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    It is like there is smoke in your room
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    and you want to ventilate the
    smoke to take it out.
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    And the way is to go to your room
    and lock your door
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    and to try to punch,
    to hit your pillow,
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    to hit for ten minutes,
    fifteen minutes.
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    And they believe that by doing so
    you may take anger out of you.
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    'I am aware that anger is there.'
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    'I want to take it out.'
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    Because they think it is safer
    to hit a pillow
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    then to hit the other person directly.
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    And they call it
    'take it out of your system'.
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    But it does not work.
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    It does not work.
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    It may make your anger stronger.
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    It is like rehearsing your anger.
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    And they call it 'getting in touch with
    your anger'.
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    It's good to get in touch with your anger.
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    The Buddha also advises us to breathe in
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    and to go home and
    to get in touch with your anger
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    and embrace it tenderly
    and look deeply into your anger.
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    But in this practice of...
    pounding... the pillow
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    you don't really get
    in touch with your anger.
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    You are a victim of your anger.
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    You are not getting in touch.
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    You are not even in touch with the pillow...
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    (Crowd laughs)
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    even though you are hitting it,
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    because if you are really in touch
    with your pillow,
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    you will know that
    it is only a pillow.
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    (Crowd laughs)
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    It's funny to hit a pillow.
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    The pillow is innocent.
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    (Crowd laughs)
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    So if you cannot get in touch
    with the pillow
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    you cannot get in touch with your anger.
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    And if you continue like that
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    maybe one day, meeting him on
    the street, you may like to...
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    hit directly and you get in jail.
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    So this work does not seem
    to help you to get it out.
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    So according to this practice,
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    the practice that the Buddha recommends,
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    you have to come home and recognize anger
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    and try to hold it with the energy
    of mindfulness.
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    This is called mindfulness of anger.
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    Mindfulness is always
    mindfulness of something.
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    When I drink my tea and become aware
    that I am here and now drinking my tea
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    that is mindfulness of drinking.
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    And when I breathe mindfully,
    that is mindfulness of breathing.
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    When I walk mindfully,
    that is mindfulness of walking.
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    So when I come home to myself
    and recognize my anger and hold my anger
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    anger becomes the object
    of my mindfulness.
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    This is called mindfulness of anger
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    There are two energies.
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    First there is the energy of anger.
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    Then the second energy is the
    energy of mindfulness.
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    In order to have this energy
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    you have to practice breathing
    and walking mindfully.
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    And with the second energy, you recognize
    the first energy and embrace it tenderly.
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    You do not suppress it
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    but embrace it tenderly,
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    like a mother embracing her...
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    her suffering...baby.
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    And when the energy of mindfulness
    is embracing the energy of anger,
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    you suffer less.
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    It is like the sunshine
    embracing the lotus flower.
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    The lotus flower gets the warmth
    the energy, in order to bloom.
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    So when you use the energy of mindfulness
    in order to embrace your anger
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    you suffer less,
    you get a relief.
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    You suffer less.
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    And if you look more deeply
    you can identify the cause of your anger.
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    That may be a wrong perception.
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    That may be your lack of capacity to
    see the suffering of the other person.
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    And if you identify your wrong perception
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    or if you can see the suffering
    of the other person
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    suddenly that kind of understanding
    and vision makes compassion arise.
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    And when compassion arises,
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    that is a kind of nectar that
    makes you suffer less right away.
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    You get a relief.
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    And you can transform it.
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    And...
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    This...
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    This practice always works.
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    You know that in Plum Village,
    in the past we used to sponsor
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    groups of Palestinans and Israelis
    to come and practice.
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    And there is a lot of misunderstanding,
    anger and suspicion in each group.
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    And if they can stay for two weeks,
    transformation and healing can be possible.
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    We practice calming, releasing tension.
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    We practice getting in touch with
    the wonders of life in order to nourish us.
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    And we also practicing breathing
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    in order to recognize our suspicion,
    our fear, our anger.
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    And then we sit down and try
    to listen to each other
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    And we tell the other group about
    our own suffering, our own fear.
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    We use the practice of
    the fourth mindfulness training:
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    Loving Speech and Deep Listening.
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    You can tell them
    everything in your heart:
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    your suffering, your fear, your anger.
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    But you tell it in such a way that
    the other person, the other group
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    can understand you.
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    Help them to understand.
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    So during the time you speak,
    you do not condemn, you do not blame.
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    You just try to help them to understand
    how much you suffer,
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    you and your people and your children.
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    In that way you help them to
    understand your suffering.
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    And then it will be your turn to sit
    and listen to their suffering.
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    They will tell you
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    their suffering, their fear,
    their anger, their despair.
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    And you have to listen.
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    And during the time they speak
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    you may notice that they have
    wrong perceptions of you.
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    And you want to correct them.
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    But according to this practice
    you should not correct them.
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    Because if you correct them
    while they speak
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    you will transform
    the session into a debate.
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    That's not the practice of deep listening.
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    You say:
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    "Oh, they say wrong things because
    they have not seen the truth.
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    But I have the time to help them
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    to correct their perceptions
    in a few days,
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    because they will be
    there for another week.
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    So in a few days we will have
    a chance to tell them,
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    to give them the kind of
    information that can help them
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    to correct their perceptions.
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    But not now.
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    Now we have to listen,
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    listen attentively."
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    Listening like this is called
    'compassionate listening'.
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    And if you know how to listen
    with compassion for one hour,
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    they will suffer less.
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    So we are practicing compassion.
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    We are giving them
    a chance to suffer less.
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    And that is the practice of the
    fourth mindfulness training:
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    listening with compassion in order
    to help other people to suffer less.
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    You may do it with your husband, your wife
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    with your son, with your daughter,
    with your father or mother.
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    And listen so that they have
    a chance to empty their heart.
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    That is compassion.
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    And after a week of practice we are able
    to remove many wrong perceptions.
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    We increase our mutual understanding.
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    And the two groups can sit down,
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    can hold hands to do walking meditation,
    and share a meal together.
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    Brotherhood, sisterhood is born.
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    So this is a very important practice.
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    And...
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    We believe that politicians
    have to learn this practice.
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    When they come to a peace negotiation,
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    they should follow
    the instructions of calming,
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    releasing,
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    recognizing suffering inside,
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    recognizing the suffering in
    the other person.
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    And if they spent one or two weeks
    practicing like that,
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    their negotiations for peace
    will be fruitful.
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    And I think that in schools
    of political science
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    students have to learn
    this kind of practice.
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    They don't need to be a Buddhist
    in order to learn it.
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    This is applied ethics that can be
    taught in every kind of school,
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    including elementary school.
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    Because children can learn the practice
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    and reconcile with
    their brothers and sisters
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    and reconcile with their parents
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    and even help their parents.
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    They are many retreats organized
    for young people, children.
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    And the children are transformed
    when they are able to see
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    the suffering in their father,
    in their mother.
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    And they come home after the retreat,
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    listen to their father and their mother
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    and help them to suffer less.
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    It's a miracle
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    It always happens in our retreats.
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    (Bell)
Title:
How can I not let my anger explode?
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Duration:
19:42

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