How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"

Asking for help is tough. But to get through life, you have to do it all the time. So how do you get comfortable asking? In this actionable talk, social psychologist Heidi Grant shares four simple rules for asking for help and getting it -- while making the process more rewarding for your helper, too.

So, asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

I've actually never seen it
on one of those top ten lists

of things people fear,

like public speaking

and death,

but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

or even from a stranger,

somehow it always feel just a little bit
uncomfortable and embarrassing

to actually ask for help,

which is, of course, why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

whenever humanly possible.

My father was one of those
legions of fathers

who, I swear, would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg.

And I remember we got really badly lost.

My mother and I pleaded with him

to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

and he absolutely refused,

and, in fact, assured us
that we were not lost,

he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

(Laughter)

So if we're going to ask for help --

and we have to, we all do,
practically every day --

the only way we're going to even begin
to get comfortable with it

is to get good at it,

to actually increase the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

they're actually going to say yes.

And not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

and rewarding to help you,

because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

to our requests for help

and why sometimes they say no.

Now let me just start by saying right now:

if you need help,

you are going to have to ask for it.

Out loud.

OK?

We all, to some extent, suffer
from something that psychologists call

"the illusion of transparency" --

basically, the mistaken belief

that our thoughts
and our feelings and our needs

are really obvious to other people.

This is not true, but we believe it.

And so, we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

This is a really, really bad assumption.

In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

how they can support you.

My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

of asking me multiple times a day,

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

Now, he is more patient than I deserve

and much more proactive,
much more, about helping

than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it.

And by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

how do they know that you want it?

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who, it turns out,

did not actually want your help
in the first place?

They get nasty real quick, don't they?

The other day -- true story --

my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school,

and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.

(Laughter)

I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.

She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones.

And so I said, very helpfully,

that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs

and try to find something
a little less somber.

(Laughter)

So, if looks could kill,

I would not be standing here right now.

We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us

when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.

In fact, actually, research shows

that 90 percent of the help that coworkers
give one another in the workplace

is in response
to explicit requests for help.

So you're going to have to say
the words "I need your help." Right?

There's no getting around it.

Now, to be good at it,

to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,

there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.

First thing: when you ask for help,

be very, very specific
about the help you want and why.

Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?

We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,

and, just as important,

we don't know whether or not
we can be successful

in giving you the help.

Nobody wants to give bad help.

Like me, you probably get
some of these requests

from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn

who want to do things like
"get together over coffee and connect"

or "pick your brain."

I ignore these requests
literally every time.

And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

It's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,

like the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,

I'm not interested.

Nobody is.

I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said

whatever it is was
they were hoping to get from me,

because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.

So go ahead and say,

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"

or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project

in an area I know you're interested in,"

or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."

Technically, I can't help you
with that last one

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.

OK, second tip.

This is really important:

please avoid disclaimers,
apologies and bribes.

Really, really important.

Do any of these sound familiar?

(Clears throat)

'I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this."

"I really hate bothering you with this."

"If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would."

(Laughter)

Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove

that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,

they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable

they're making you feel.

And by the way -- how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you

if you really hated
having to ask me for help?

And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable

to pay strangers to do things for you,

you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing

your friends and coworkers.

When you have a relationship with someone,

helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.

It's how we show one another that we care.

If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,

what can happen is, it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,

it's a transaction.

And that actually
is experienced as distancing,

which, ironically, makes people
less likely to help you.

So a spontaneous gift

after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude --

perfectly fine.

An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment

is not.

OK, third rule,

and I really mean this one:

please do not ask for help

over email or text.

Really, seriously, please don't.

Email and text are impersonal.

I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,

but mostly what happens is,

we like to ask for help
over email and text

because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.

You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?

Telling you no.

And it turns out, there's
research to support this.

In-person requests for help
are 30 times more likely to get a yes

than a request made by email.

So when something is really important
and you really need someone's help,

make face time to make the request,

or use your phone as a phone --

(Laughter)

to ask for the help that you need.

OK.

Last one, and this is actually
a really, really important one

and probably the one
that is most overlooked

when it comes to asking for help:

when you ask someone
for their help and they say yes,

follow up with them afterward.

There's a common misconception
that what's rewarding about helping

is the act of helping itself.

This is not true.

What is rewarding about helping
is knowing that your help landed,

that it had impact,

that you were effective.

If I have no idea
how my help affected you,

how am I supposed to feel about it?

This happened; I was a university
professor for many years,

I wrote lots and lots
of letters of recommendation

for people to get jobs
or to go into graduate school.

And probably about 95 percent of them,

I have no idea what happened.

Now, how do I feel about the time
and effort I took to do that,

when I really have no idea
if I helped you,

if it actually helped you
get the thing that you wanted?

In fact, this idea of feeling effective

is part of why certain kinds
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

because they allow you
to really vividly imagine

the effect that your help
is going to have.

Take something like DonorsChoose.

You go online, you can choose
the individual teacher by name

whose classroom you're going
to be able to help

by literally buying the specific
items they've requested,

like microscopes or laptops
or flexible seating.

An appeal like that makes it
so easy for me to imagine

the good that my money will do,

that I actually get
an immediate sense of effectiveness

the minute I commit to giving.

But you know what else they do?

They follow up.

Donors actually get letters
from the kids in the classroom.

They get pictures.

They get to know
that they made a difference.

And this is something we need
to all be doing in our everyday lives,

especially if we want people
to continue to give us help

over the long term.

Take time to tell your colleague
that the help that they gave you

really helped you land that big sale,

or helped you get that interview
that you were really hoping to get.

Take time to tell your partner
that the support they gave you

really made it possible for you
to get through a tough time.

Take time to tell your catsitter

that you're super happy
that for some reason,

this time the cats didn't break
anything while you were away,

and so they must have done
a really good job.

The bottom line is:

I know -- believe me, I know --

that it is not easy to ask for help.

We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

It makes us feel vulnerable.

But the reality of modern work
and modern life

is that nobody does it alone.

Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

More than ever, we actually do
have to rely on other people,

on their support and collaboration,
in order to be successful.

So when you need help,
ask for it out loud.

And when you do, do it in a way
that increases your chances

that you'll get a yes

and makes the other person
feel awesome for having helped you,

because you both deserve it.

Thank you.

(Applause)