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← Coming Out

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Showing Revision 1 created 10/18/2015 by Eunbeen Choi.

  1. I kid you not, as soon as I turned on the camera,

  2. my heart just like immediately started beating really hard but...
  3. ok.
  4. Hey what's up you guys,
  5. so today I wanna talk to you guys about something.
  6. So 2014 has been by far the biggest year for me.
  7. I've done a lot of things and gone a lot of places,
  8. and you guys know all about that.
  9. But you don't know the biggest thing
  10. that's happened to me this year.
  11. So I'm sitting here in front of you with
  12. no script, no plan, no fancy editing,
  13. and I'm just gonna be really honest.
  14. 2014 is truly the year that I have accepted who I am
  15. and become happy with that person.
  16. So today, I wanna talk to you guys about that
  17. and be open and honest and tell you that
  18. I'm gay.
  19. This may come as a shock to a lot of you
  20. and it may be confusing,
  21. so I'm gonna backtrack a little bit.
  22. Growing up, I always knew I was a little bit
  23. different than everyone else.
  24. I always just had the feeling that I wasn't the same,
  25. but it wasn't until I was 12 years old,
  26. until I really had pinpointed what that was.
  27. For some reason, my 7th grade year,
  28. I had this thought in the back of my head
  29. 'what if I'm gay?'
  30. And I immediately was so terrified.
  31. I'm from a small town in the mid-west.
  32. That's not a normal thing there.
  33. I didn't even know what that word meant.
  34. I had only met a couple gay people in my entire life.
  35. It was terrifying to me to have to think that
  36. I was something that I knew nothing about.
  37. So I immediately pushed it away
  38. and tried not to think about it.
  39. But as anyone who has gone through this knows,
  40. you can't not think about it.
  41. I was up all night,
  42. for I can't tell you how many nights,
  43. just thinking, like, looking at the ceiling,
  44. just thinking about this.
  45. And I was so scared of it that I never told anybody.
  46. So fast forward into high school,
  47. I tried to avoid it by dating girls.
  48. All I wanted to do was be like everyone else.
  49. So I would date girls, I would kiss girls,
  50. but I would feel nothing.
  51. I just wanted everything to be like everyone else said it was,
  52. I just wanted to be normal,
  53. I just wanted to talk about what I wanted to talk about
  54. and be who I was,
  55. but I didn't feel like I could be that.
  56. I felt so isolated because I had this secret
  57. that I couldn't even talk to myself about,
  58. let alone other people.
  59. And it wasn't until the sophomore year in college
  60. that I really thought about it.
  61. I thought about it so much
  62. that I became obsessed with it.
  63. And having that thought to myself for so long
  64. started talking over my life
  65. and I started feeling depressed.
  66. I felt like there was no escape from my own thoughts,
  67. but I thought to myself,
  68. 'maybe I can continue to avoid this,
  69. if I just don't act on it,
  70. it'll never be a thing'.
  71. I don't know what it was but one year ago,
  72. I kept trying to get myself to look in the mirror
  73. and say it.
  74. I was tired of running,
  75. I was tired of hiding who I truly was,
  76. so I just tried to say it.
  77. I don't think you'll understand unless you've gone through it,
  78. but I couldn't say it.
  79. Like, I was not capable of saying it,
  80. my mouth could not utter those words.
  81. Until one time, I did.
  82. And it felt like a mixture of every emotion possible.
  83. I was really relieved that I finally said it,
  84. but I was also so terrified
  85. that I had finally admitted that to myself.
  86. Then the next step was to tell a person.
  87. So in January this year
  88. after keeping one of my friends up till like 5 am on his couch,
  89. I told him.
  90. And I felt great.
  91. From then on I was just continuing to tell people.
  92. I started to tell more friend,
  93. I told my parents, I told my siblings,
  94. and one by one,
  95. I just started checking people off this list.
  96. And everyone was so great.
  97. I am so fortunate that everyone,
  98. they didn't even, like,
  99. they didn't look at me different,
  100. they didn't treat me different,
  101. they just said 'ok' like it was no big deal.
  102. This whole thing that I had built up inside me
  103. to be this huge deal for 22 years,
  104. wasn't.
  105. In just one year, I've honestly felt like
  106. I am so happy with who I am,
  107. and I'm making this video
  108. because I was sick of having to think constantly about
  109. what I was doing, what I was saying, what I was wearing,
  110. just, I don't wanna have to think about everything I do.
  111. I just wanna be able to be me
  112. and not be afraid.
  113. I'm sick of censoring myself.
  114. This is just one little part of who I am,
  115. and I'm not gonna let my sexuality
  116. define or confine me.
  117. It's part of me. It's not all of me.
  118. So today I'm making this video for a couple of reasons.
  119. One, I put a vast majority of my life on the internet,
  120. and I want this to be one of those things.
  121. Two, the reason I accepted this information
  122. was because of the internet.
  123. I watched every coming out video possible, four times.
  124. I've googled, I went in chatrooms,
  125. I've found every way online
  126. to talk about this and to figure it out.
  127. Because I never felt comfortable
  128. actually talking about it to anybody.
  129. So I'm making this video for anyone who needs it.
  130. It's ok.
  131. It may not seem like it right now,
  132. but you are gonna be fine.
  133. I know it's scary but don't be afraid.
  134. You are who you are
  135. and you should love that person.
  136. I don't want anyone to have to go through
  137. 22 years of their life
  138. afraid to accept that.
  139. Three, I just wanna set a precedent.
  140. Race, gender, religion, sexuality,
  141. we are all people and that's it.
  142. We're all people, we're all equal.
  143. I don't want anyone to have to be afraid.
  144. I don't want anyone to hold back who they are.
  145. It's not ok.
  146. It's not a good thing.
  147. I don't know what else to say.
  148. My friends, my family and you guys have supported me
  149. through anything and everything
  150. and I can't thank you for that enough.
  151. This has been easily the hardest thing I've ever had to do,
  152. but I'm so happy that I'm doing it.
  153. This video somehow turned into a sad, serious moment
  154. and I'm not gonna let it end on that note.
  155. In true Connor Franta fashion,
  156. I'm gonna end my video like I always do
  157. because this is just another video.
  158. It's just another video
  159. where you found out a little more about me.
  160. So until next monday... Bye!