How to rewire the brain? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad
-
0:04 - 0:07Being in a couple is about
tenderness and loving one another. -
0:07 - 0:09You dream of having kids together.
-
0:09 - 0:12You picture a future filled with
laughter and loving embraces. -
0:12 - 0:15And then, one day,
you come back down to earth, -
0:15 - 0:18and that's not exactly how it goes
every single time. -
0:18 - 0:21One day, with our partner,
as with our kids, -
0:21 - 0:24things are bound to get out of hand.
-
0:24 - 0:27Sometimes, we overreact.
-
0:28 - 0:32I could never have imagined
having such feelings of violence -
0:32 - 0:36rise up inside of me
-
0:36 - 0:40towards the people
I love most in the world. -
0:40 - 0:42I'm a psychotherapist,
-
0:42 - 0:45and, my whole life,
I've tried to figure out -
0:45 - 0:47what makes us behave the way we do.
-
0:47 - 0:51Why do adults behave in
such an over-the-top way? -
0:51 - 0:53And why don't children
-
0:53 - 0:56just do as they're asked?
-
0:56 - 0:58(Laughter)
-
1:01 - 1:07In order to answer these questions,
I looked at scientists for my research. -
1:07 - 1:09These days, everyone talks about stress.
-
1:09 - 1:14It was the professor Hans Selye
who introduced the concept, in the 1950s, -
1:14 - 1:20to describe the way the body adapts
in response to any kind of stimulation. -
1:20 - 1:23Stress is therefore an adaptive response.
-
1:23 - 1:30To ensure our survival, a little gland
in our brain keeps watch, the amygdala. -
1:30 - 1:33Since the dawn of time,
at the slightest hint of danger, -
1:34 - 1:39it has set the body's alarm bells ringing,
adrenaline, cortisol. -
1:39 - 1:44Our body is prepared for fight or flee.
-
1:44 - 1:49If I can't fight, or flee,
-
1:49 - 1:55I freeze, I play dead,
my body goes numb. -
1:55 - 2:00Danger, or even frustration, or pressure,
-
2:00 - 2:05can trigger stress
in young and older alike. -
2:05 - 2:09Stress can be recognized
as a physical response, -
2:09 - 2:12adrenaline, cortisol,
coursing through my body, -
2:12 - 2:17increased heart rate,
muscles tensed, jaw clenched, -
2:17 - 2:20we get the feeling in our arms
of wanting to thump and to throw things, -
2:20 - 2:23our legs want to stamp, to run.
-
2:23 - 2:30We, as adults, are able to bring
this stress response under control. -
2:30 - 2:34Though it's not always easy
when our partner doesn't tidy up, -
2:34 - 2:38or a two-year old child
doesn't want to put their boots on. -
2:38 - 2:43But a child's brain
doesn't yet allow them -
2:44 - 2:46to control this stress.
-
2:46 - 2:50When our child acts up,
everyone always says, -
2:50 - 2:53"You should set some boundaries!"
-
2:53 - 2:55And we embark upon a struggle
to be the strongest -
2:55 - 2:58even if it means we lose
our strength along the way -
2:58 - 3:00because that's what happens.
-
3:01 - 3:05Fighting to come out on top
means that everyone loses. -
3:05 - 3:11Sometimes, we think we've managed
to get a child to see reason. -
3:11 - 3:15Because he stops.
He's not being well-behaved. -
3:15 - 3:20He's just... frozen
as a reaction to stress. -
3:22 - 3:28Setting boundaries is like
putting a lid on boiling milk. -
3:28 - 3:34It boils over, all the same.
It must be held firmly. -
3:34 - 3:36You have to clean up around it.
-
3:36 - 3:41No question of simply watching
the milk boil over without doing anything. -
3:41 - 3:44And what if I turned off the gas?
-
3:45 - 3:48I'm going to tell you about how, one day,
-
3:48 - 3:54my mother managed to turn off the gas
when I'd boiled over. -
3:54 - 3:56I was 13 years old.
-
3:56 - 3:59I slapped my mother.
-
3:59 - 4:02That's right, I slapped my mother.
-
4:02 - 4:05The action wasn't entirely voluntary.
-
4:05 - 4:07And she understood that.
-
4:07 - 4:10Of course, at the time,
she slapped me back. -
4:10 - 4:15But, after that knee-jerk reaction,
she came to talk to me about it. -
4:15 - 4:17To make me talk about it.
-
4:17 - 4:22She knew that when a child
goes to the doctor -
4:22 - 4:25to have an injection,
-
4:25 - 4:26when they get home,
-
4:26 - 4:30all they want to do is to give
everyone else injections. -
4:30 - 4:34They're on the safe side of the syringe.
-
4:34 - 4:39My mother wanted to know
where that slap came from. -
4:39 - 4:42I was on my way back
from a friend's house, -
4:42 - 4:47and I told my mother about
the scene that had shaken me up. -
4:48 - 4:52My friend had had a huge fight
with her mother, -
4:52 - 4:56who had slapped her,
and my friend had slapped her back. -
4:56 - 4:59I was transfixed.
-
5:01 - 5:03I didn't understand.
-
5:03 - 5:07I made my way home on autopilot.
-
5:09 - 5:14Unable to think, to feel, to speak,
-
5:16 - 5:18to even understand
what was going on inside of me, -
5:18 - 5:21until I saw my mother.
-
5:22 - 5:27At that moment, getting back
to my mother, my safety net, -
5:27 - 5:31it was as if my body
had been given permission -
5:31 - 5:35to come out of its frozen state.
-
5:35 - 5:38And then, the tension,
-
5:39 - 5:45pent up inside since witnessing
the slapping at my friend's house, -
5:45 - 5:47came rushing back up to the surface.
-
5:47 - 5:52Adrenaline, cortisol,
my body was waking up. -
5:53 - 5:56My muscles tightening,
I started to feel like I was -
5:56 - 5:59getting angrier and angrier
and more and more tense. -
5:59 - 6:03As I'd started feeling this aggression
-
6:03 - 6:08since seeing my mother,
I thought it was because of her. -
6:09 - 6:12I got into a fight with her
over next to nothing. -
6:14 - 6:19And then, my body did something
that stunned me. -
6:20 - 6:22It reenacted the slap.
-
6:23 - 6:28My brain, unable to find the words
to explain things to my mother, -
6:28 - 6:34had led my body to show my mother
the slap that had upset me so. -
6:36 - 6:37So that she would help me.
-
6:37 - 6:39And she did help me.
-
6:39 - 6:43She helped me
to put my feelings into words. -
6:43 - 6:46She helped me to turn off the gas
-
6:46 - 6:49under the milk
that was boiling inside of me. -
6:50 - 6:53I could trust her.
-
6:56 - 6:58Another situation.
-
6:58 - 7:02In the street, a mother and her child.
-
7:02 - 7:05The child is walking quietly
down the street. -
7:06 - 7:10There's traffic, and the mother
gets annoyed and says, -
7:10 - 7:12"Hold my hand right now!"
-
7:13 - 7:18The child avoids holding
his mother's hand and moves away. -
7:19 - 7:24To the child, avoidance
isn't a conscious decision. -
7:24 - 7:27It's an autonomic stress response.
-
7:28 - 7:31Our stress puts stress on our children,
-
7:31 - 7:35and triggers a biological
reaction in their brain -
7:35 - 7:41that disconnects
the outer layers of their brain. -
7:42 - 7:46Sometimes, we ask a child who is acting up
-
7:48 - 7:51to think on their behaviour,
to little effect. -
7:51 - 7:54Obviously, since their brain
is no longer connected. -
7:54 - 8:00How can we reconnect
our children's brains? -
8:00 - 8:04How can we shut off the stress circuit?
-
8:04 - 8:07That's where the white knight,
oxytocin, comes in. -
8:08 - 8:12Oxytocin, the hormone of love,
of relationships, -
8:12 - 8:19the hormone that helps
to reduce this stress. -
8:19 - 8:24Touching a child,
looking at them lovingly, -
8:25 - 8:28communicating warmly with them,
-
8:29 - 8:35helps them to fully recover their brain,
and to manage stress. -
8:35 - 8:38That's what my mother did with me.
-
8:40 - 8:46"But isn't that rewarding
unacceptable behavior?" -
8:46 - 8:48some would say.
-
8:48 - 8:55Most of us have learned to think of
love as a reward. -
8:57 - 9:01Neuroscience has shown
-
9:01 - 9:04that showing our children love
-
9:04 - 9:08triggers the release of oxytocin,
-
9:08 - 9:11increases the number
of oxytocin receptors in the brain, -
9:13 - 9:19reduces stress hormones,
boosts the immune system, -
9:19 - 9:25and develops neuronal circuits
in the prefrontal area of the brain. -
9:25 - 9:29The prefrontal area of the brain,
which allows us to feel empathy, -
9:29 - 9:35enables self-control,
helps us to regulate our emotions, -
9:35 - 9:36anticipation,
-
9:36 - 9:42the ability to understand and identify
the impact of our actions, responsibility, -
9:42 - 9:47that's the kind of brain
we want our children to develop. -
9:47 - 9:51Through a gesture, a smile,
-
9:51 - 9:54a show of attentiveness,
-
9:54 - 9:59we are preparing
our children for happiness. -
10:01 - 10:04We are literally equipping
them to handle stress. -
10:05 - 10:12We are helping them
to learn not to overreact, -
10:12 - 10:16not to overreact later
on when they have children of their own. -
10:16 - 10:21Love is the fuel we need to manage stress.
-
10:21 - 10:23Specifically speaking,
-
10:24 - 10:29I want to share with you
a little technique we've developed, -
10:29 - 10:30my partner and I.
-
10:31 - 10:37Picture the scenario, it's 7 p.m.,
I've been with the kids all day, -
10:37 - 10:40he's running slightly late,
and gets home -
10:40 - 10:45having forgotten to do
the shopping I asked him to do. -
10:45 - 10:47Then I freak out.
-
10:48 - 10:50My other half feels guilty.
-
10:50 - 10:54He sits down in front of the television
or goes off to the pharmacy. -
10:54 - 10:58That's normal; men aren't allowed
to hurt women. -
10:58 - 11:01He can't fight. He flees.
-
11:02 - 11:05But if he goes back out to do
the shopping I asked him to do, -
11:05 - 11:07that's totally out of line.
-
11:07 - 11:10Because, really, the shopping,
the pharmacy, was just an excuse. -
11:10 - 11:14What I needed him to do was to hold me.
-
11:14 - 11:16Why didn't I just ask him?
-
11:16 - 11:19Clearly, it doesn't make sense
to yell at him. -
11:19 - 11:23But, even so, you have to see
that it makes sense. -
11:23 - 11:26I feel helpless, powerless, all day long.
-
11:26 - 11:30So I have to summon up a little power,
-
11:30 - 11:34act tough, pull myself together,
for one thing at least. -
11:35 - 11:40So I shout, I attack,
I'm under stress. -
11:40 - 11:43That's where our technique comes in.
-
11:43 - 11:46He approaches me
when I'm getting all worked up, -
11:46 - 11:49and takes me gently in his arms.
-
11:49 - 11:51He says to me,
-
11:52 - 11:55"There you go. There you go."
-
11:55 - 11:57Well, then, I push him away, obviously.
-
11:58 - 12:01Because that would be too easy.
-
12:01 - 12:03(Laughter)
-
12:03 - 12:06And then I'm not sure
-
12:08 - 12:13if he'd still love me
if I were stronger and without flaws. -
12:14 - 12:16It's amazing when you think about it.
-
12:16 - 12:19I attack him or I push him away,
so that he will love me. -
12:21 - 12:23Then I say to him,
-
12:24 - 12:26"Cut it out! Can't you see
I've got stuff to do? -
12:26 - 12:28And that's all you can think about!"
-
12:28 - 12:29(Laughter)
-
12:29 - 12:35I flee, because I can't attack anymore.
I'm still under stress. -
12:35 - 12:39If he holds me for seven seconds,
-
12:40 - 12:44oxytocin starts to flood my brain.
-
12:45 - 12:46I feel better.
-
12:46 - 12:52The oxytocin triggers
feelings of well-being, confidence, -
12:53 - 12:55kind thoughts towards others.
-
12:55 - 13:00After 20 seconds, I feel much better.
-
13:00 - 13:04I start to unwind,
and cry on his shoulder. -
13:04 - 13:07Of course, that doesn't work
for everybody. -
13:08 - 13:12Sometimes, certain people
really can't stand being held. -
13:13 - 13:15The kind of people who,
when they were children, -
13:15 - 13:18experienced a great deal of rejection
by their own parents. -
13:19 - 13:22They have fewer oxytocin receptors.
-
13:22 - 13:28They have a hyperactive stress circuit,
and are highly impulsive. -
13:28 - 13:31But that can be repaired, with love.
-
13:31 - 13:36Love is also highly effective
with our children. -
13:37 - 13:41Love is also highly effective
with our children. -
13:41 - 13:43Remember the milk?
-
13:44 - 13:48Love is a super-effective way
to turn off the gas. -
13:49 - 13:55The next time you feel
a power struggle developing, -
13:56 - 14:00you will have something new to try out,
-
14:01 - 14:08I breathe, I reconnect
with the love I feel for my child, -
14:08 - 14:10and I take them in my arms.
-
14:10 - 14:13At the very least, I let them see
the affection in my eyes. -
14:13 - 14:16He might not calm down straight away.
-
14:16 - 14:19He may need to release
a little more tension first. -
14:19 - 14:23The most important thing is
to stay connected to one another. -
14:23 - 14:28When we are connected,
I reconnect his brain. -
14:28 - 14:31I recover mine,
-
14:31 - 14:36and I regain the ability, in the street,
to calmly give the command, -
14:36 - 14:38"Hold my hand in the street."
-
14:39 - 14:45And to send my other half a text
containing a single word, "Pharmacy." -
14:47 - 14:50Responding with love,
when the going gets tough, -
14:52 - 14:55takes care and effort
that is very soon rewarded. -
14:55 - 14:58It's a huge time saver.
-
15:01 - 15:06And what if you topped up
your anti-stress fuel tank -
15:06 - 15:08first thing each day?
-
15:08 - 15:13What if you prepared in advance,
to better face the day ahead? -
15:15 - 15:19What if five minutes
of tender loving care every morning -
15:19 - 15:21changed your life?
-
15:21 - 15:23It's worth a try!
-
15:24 - 15:25Thank you.
-
15:26 - 15:30(Applause)
- Title:
- How to rewire the brain? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.
We are often confronted with situations where we lose our temper and in order to blow off steam, we take it out on our children or our spouses. Isabelle Filliozat, a psychotherapist, explains what happens in the brain with emphasis on how to rewire it.
- Video Language:
- French
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:35
Denise RQ approved English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Comment rebrancher son cerveau ? | Isabelle Filliozat | TEDxVaugirardRoad |