Who do you think you are? Answer this to get more than confidence | Chrisa T.S. | TEDxDrapanosWomen

“Who do you think you are?” How do you feel when you hear this question? Does it motivate you to embark on a self-discovery journey, or do you hear it as an insult? Most people feel insulted by this question but Chrisa T.S,, transformation coach, poet, and lyra musician, considers it as the most powerful question to ask ourselves.

In sharing her personal story, when her desire to learn Cretan lyra was crushed by the local community’s perception about how a woman should be, she takes us on a journey to meet our inner child. The result of this journey will inevitably influence our confidence, our self-esteem, will empower the love we have for ourselves, and will rekindle our excitement for a life full of joy and meaning.

A former political strategy adviser, she has extensive experience working with high performing people in high pressure situations, and she excels in helping women deal with confidence-related issues and stress management.
Every Thursday, Chrisa hosts her own video show on YouTube: The Chrisa Group Show, discussing personal development hot topics. In addition, she is a regular contributor to ThriveGlobal.com, where she writes about life and business from a Greco-Cretan perspective. Most nights, you'll find Chrisa at home with a cup of herbal Cretan tea writing about life, love and everything else on her blog.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Remember that time
when as a child you drew a picture

and then you'd show your picture
to your parents or caregivers,

looking for appraisal or approval?

I never got that from my mother.

Every single time I showed her my drawing,

“Look what I did, mom!
What do you think? Do you like it?"

She would look at my drawing,

then look at me and reply with a question,

“What do you think? Do you like it?”

It doesn’t matter what I think,

what’s more important
is what you think about it.

Back then I was kind of mad at her

because I thought
that was some kind of test,

but now I know.

She was trying to help me
build confidence in myself,

help me answer questions like,

"What do I think? What do I like?
Do I like myself? Who am I?"

I have been asked this question,
“Who do you think you are?”

many times in my life,

from people with good
and not so good intentions.

And every single time
I felt absolutely terrified.

There was a part in me really scared.

When I finally looked at that fear,

I saw a scared little girl
trying to figure things out.

Then I started communicating
with that girl.

What I found is that in talking
with that little girl in me,

I gained confidence in myself.

The ride was bumpy but totally worth it.

The story begins in college.

One night we were partying
with my friends at the beach,

singing and playing music
around a bonfire.

A friend of mine was playing the mandolin.

She was playing
with such a grace, I was in awe.

She invited me to join her,

but I didn’t play any
musical instruments at that time.

But that night, I promised
to myself to learn lyra,

a musical instrument from Crete, Greece.

The moment I said that out loud though,
something weird happened.

Half of my college friends
stopped talking to me

and the other half
were politely avoiding me.

When I confronted one of them,
he said, "It’s because of the lyra thing."

And I go, "Yes, so what?"

"Well, you can’t, you are a woman,

and lyra is a musical instrument
traditionally played by men."

Unaware of the fact that this clay model,

found in Palaikastro, Crete,
and dates back to 1350 BC,

shows a group of women dancing
to the music of a lyre played by a woman.

Or totally forgetting
about people like Lavrendia Bernidaki,

who was the first woman in the 40s

to ever be recorded
in a musical record as a singer.

But she was the first woman
that we know of,

that played all the musical instruments
widely played in Crete:

the lute, the violin,
lyra and the mandolin.

Nevertheless, I got the same reaction
from both men and women.

I even had someone publicly
point the finger at me saying,

"Who do you think you are to play lyra?"

I was devastated, heartbroken and alone.

But you know what?

There was a part in me really excited
to learn how to play,

so I went on, bought the instrument
and started looking for a teacher.

Apparently, music teachers,
and especially lyra teachers,

didn’t teach women to play lyra.

So I said, "Okay I am going
to have to learn by myself."

So I did.

But as it's true with most things,
music is better when it's shared.

There was a group
of 70-, 80-year-old men and women

from the village of Melambes, Rethymno,

who were gathering once a week, to play
music, sing, dance, eat and share stories.

In one of their gatherings,
I timidly mentioned that I play lyra too,

and they were so excited

that a young lady plays
this musical instrument,

that they kept inviting me
week after week to play with them.

I was thrilled.

I had finally found my tribe,
and I was having so much fun.

(Laughter)

There was an incident, though,
I will never forget.

In one of the weekly gatherings
I was asked to play;

then suddenly, a man who was joining
the group for the first time,

stood up and yelled,
"Is she going to play lyra? A woman?

Who does she think she is?"

(Laughter)

My heart was beating really fast,
and I was about to burst into tears

when one of the oldest men of the group
gently turned my head to look at him

and said, "Chrisa, repeat after me:

'I am that I am, that I am, that I am.
I’m Popeye the sailor man!'"

(Laughter)

Soon after I finished repeating
the phrase, we all had a good laugh,

and I got the nickname “kapetanaki,”

which roughly translates
to “little captain,”

with a touch of a rebellious attitude.

But I kept this "little captain" attitude

in advocating for women's
human and civil rights.

Have you ever wondered

why so many women and men
pay the same college tuition

but are not in so many cases
getting paid equally?

Apart from the wage gap,
have you ever thought about

why aren't there more women
CEOs, politicians, engineers

or lyra musicians for that matter?

Who is responsible for that?

[Who is responsible?]

After spending a couple of years
in private practice as a hypnotherapist,

treating women with
confidence related issues,

it dawned on me.

Most women didn’t believe
they were enough.

Smart enough, thin enough,
beautiful enough,

qualified enough, educated enough.

I say, enough is enough!

Numerous global studies show
that compared with men,

women don’t consider themselves
as ready for promotions.

They predict they’ll do worse on tests,

and they generally
underestimate their abilities,

when in fact, their actual performance
does not differ in quality or quantity.

We fail to break the glass ceiling
because of our lack of confidence.

The answer to my question
“Who is responsible” is we, women,

and especially the things
we say to ourselves

and the things we believe
to be true for ourselves.

Each and every one of us
is responsible for our lives.

The only one to define who you are
or who you think you are is you.

It doesn’t matter what other people
say or believe about you,

what’s most important is
what you believe to be true for yourself.

Evaluate your own drawings,

don’t seek others’ appraisal
or approval for your creations.

Now, the way you hear that question
says a lot about your starting point

when it comes to confidence.

Do you hear it as a question
that triggers a self-discovery journey?

"Who do you think you are?"

Or as an insult?
"Who do you think you are?"

"Who do you think you are
to go after your dreams?"

"Who do you think you are to speak up?"

"Who do you think you are
to talk back to authority?"

"Who do you think you are to name
your abuser after all these years?"

"Who do you think you are to hold
your head up high after a failure?"

When someone asks you,
"Who do you think you are,"

how do you respond?

Most likely with fear.

This question has been lobbed at most
of us at some point as an accusation,

but I see it as the most powerful
question to ask ourselves.

Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said:

(Greek) “The unexamined life
isn’t worth living.”

“The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”

That was my starting point
to forming the idea

that in order to have a life worth living

and confidently answer the question
"Who do you think you are,"

we have to examine our lives
starting from childhood

and properly parent our inner child.

But first, what is the inner child?

[Inner child]

Inner child is a part of your character
that was affected during childhood,

which can have childish reactions
to everyday adult situations,

such as not speaking up for yourself,

not being able to change
an annoying habit,

ask for what you want, set boundaries,

apply for that job,
ask for that promotion,

negotiate your wage, or your worth.

Are you wondering
if you have an inner child?

The answer is yes, you do have one
because you were a child once.

Why do we need to heal the inner child
in order to have confidence?

It's because during the early years
of development in a child’s life,

there are certain events
that trigger emotions

that a child is not equipped to deal with.

We all had at a certain point

some of our primal needs
as children not quite met,

and that created some
kind of trauma or limiting belief.

Lack of love, acceptance, protection.

At that point, the child
assumes the belief,

"It’s me.

There is something wrong with me."

And continues all the adult life
seeing herself based on that belief.

I'm not enough.

I can't.

I'm not worthy.

My idea is to compassionately listen
to what this inner child is saying,

and as a loving, caring parent
give the correct answers.

"You can.” “You are enough.”
“You are worthy.”

I’m going to share with you
the technique I use with my clients

tο help them update those false beliefs

that helped them build confidence.

It’s a process that everybody
can do, both women and men.

But in this time and age,
I want to dedicate this practice to women.

With statistically lower confidence,
women can really use it,

because it is time to meet
the person you truly are.

It consists of three steps.

You’re going to need your imagination,
a pen and a piece of paper.

Step number one:

Find a quiet place
in the comfort of your home

where you can have some time undisturbed,

and take your notebook,

and allow yourself to go back
to a time in your childhood

when something happened that hurt you.

The important thing here
is to notice and note down

all the details as an observer.

Witness the scene as an observer.

And step number two:

You are going to create
some contact with that inner child

you saw on the first scene.

Approach her; tell her you are a friend.

Tell her you saw what happened,
and it is not her fault.

Tell her, "You are loved
and appreciated by me.

I will take care of you.
Things will be okay."

[Things will be okay]

In step number three,
you are going to say your goodbyes,

but before that, you are going to ask her,
"What do you need right now?"

Wait for the answer
and then write it down.

Speak to her with the wisdom
you have today

and share with her a message
that will help her as she's growing up.

Give any promises,
express love and gratitude.

“I will come back. I love you. Thank you.”

You can repeat this process
for as many life events as you see fit.

And every time you need some
extra boost of confidence or courage,

repeat,

"I am enough. I am lovable.
I am safe. I can."

That is what I did when
I decided to learn lyra

despite society’s disapproval.

This is what I did just moments ago
before I came up on this stage.

Today, I am happy to report

that more and more women
are playing lyra in Crete,

and there are many, many teachers
that do not discriminate based on gender.

[Xenia Pandelaki]

[Katerina Petraki]

[Kelly Thomas]

There was a major shift
in society’s perception.

[Giota Silli]

[Georgia Androulaki-Chnari]

[Georgia Dagaki]

[Ioanna Zouli]

[Elena Karatzi]

This is what happens when
women show up authentically,

confidently knowing who they truly are.

And one might wonder,

What else could be possible

if you allow yourself to define
who you are and act on it?

This practice helped me
build the confidence

to create a life worth living,

the courage to show up
and speak my truth,

and the compassion to accept
my light and my shadows.

I invite you to do the inner child work
and examine your lives,

because it is through her eyes,

those eyes that look at the world
with curiosity and wonder,

that you will define who you truly are.

And it is very important
because how you define yourself

will impact how successful
you are at your work,

the quality of your relationships,

and even how happy
and fulfilled you are in your life.

Stop playing small,
let your light shine through

so that you show up in the world
with love, creativity and grace.

So, I will ask again,
but take your time to answer.

Who do you think you are?

Thank you.

(Applause)