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← Who do you think you are? Answer this to get more than confidence | Chrisa T.S. | TEDxDrapanosWomen

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Showing Revision 14 created 02/16/2019 by Rhonda Jacobs.

  1. Remember that time
    when as a child you drew a picture
  2. and then you'd show your picture
    to your parents or caregivers,
  3. looking for appraisal or approval?
  4. I never got that from my mother.
  5. Every single time I showed her my drawing,
  6. “Look what I did, mom!
    What do you think? Do you like it?"
  7. She would look at my drawing,
  8. then look at me and reply with a question,
  9. “What do you think? Do you like it?”
  10. It doesn’t matter what I think,
  11. what’s more important
    is what you think about it.
  12. Back then I was kind of mad at her
  13. because I thought
    that was some kind of test,
  14. but now I know.
  15. She was trying to help me
    build confidence in myself,
  16. help me answer questions like,
  17. "What do I think? What do I like?
    Do I like myself? Who am I?"
  18. I have been asked this question,
    “Who do you think you are?”
  19. many times in my life,
  20. from people with good
    and not so good intentions.
  21. And every single time
    I felt absolutely terrified.
  22. There was a part in me really scared.
  23. When I finally looked at that fear,
  24. I saw a scared little girl
    trying to figure things out.
  25. Then I started communicating
    with that girl.
  26. What I found is that in talking
    with that little girl in me,
  27. I gained confidence in myself.
  28. The ride was bumpy but totally worth it.
  29. The story begins in college.
  30. One night we were partying
    with my friends at the beach,
  31. singing and playing music
    around a bonfire.
  32. A friend of mine was playing the mandolin.
  33. She was playing
    with such a grace, I was in awe.
  34. She invited me to join her,
  35. but I didn’t play any
    musical instruments at that time.
  36. But that night, I promised
    to myself to learn lyra,
  37. a musical instrument from Crete, Greece.
  38. The moment I said that out loud though,
    something weird happened.
  39. Half of my college friends
    stopped talking to me
  40. and the other half
    were politely avoiding me.
  41. When I confronted one of them,
    he said, "It’s because of the lyra thing."
  42. And I go, "Yes, so what?"
  43. "Well, you can’t, you are a woman,
  44. and lyra is a musical instrument
    traditionally played by men."
  45. Unaware of the fact that this clay model,
  46. found in Palaikastro, Crete,
    and dates back to 1350 BC,
  47. shows a group of women dancing
    to the music of a lyre played by a woman.
  48. Or totally forgetting
    about people like Lavrendia Bernidaki,
  49. who was the first woman in the 40s
  50. to ever be recorded
    in a musical record as a singer.
  51. But she was the first woman
    that we know of,
  52. that played all the musical instruments
    widely played in Crete:
  53. the lute, the violin,
    lyra and the mandolin.
  54. Nevertheless, I got the same reaction
    from both men and women.
  55. I even had someone publicly
    point the finger at me saying,
  56. "Who do you think you are to play lyra?"
  57. I was devastated, heartbroken and alone.
  58. But you know what?
  59. There was a part in me really excited
    to learn how to play,
  60. so I went on, bought the instrument
    and started looking for a teacher.
  61. Apparently, music teachers,
    and especially lyra teachers,
  62. didn’t teach women to play lyra.
  63. So I said, "Okay I am going
    to have to learn by myself."
  64. So I did.
  65. But as it's true with most things,
    music is better when it's shared.
  66. There was a group
    of 70-, 80-year-old men and women
  67. from the village of Melambes, Rethymno,
  68. who were gathering once a week, to play
    music, sing, dance, eat and share stories.
  69. In one of their gatherings,
    I timidly mentioned that I play lyra too,
  70. and they were so excited
  71. that a young lady plays
    this musical instrument,
  72. that they kept inviting me
    week after week to play with them.
  73. I was thrilled.
  74. I had finally found my tribe,
    and I was having so much fun.
  75. (Laughter)
  76. There was an incident, though,
    I will never forget.
  77. In one of the weekly gatherings
    I was asked to play;
  78. then suddenly, a man who was joining
    the group for the first time,
  79. stood up and yelled,
    "Is she going to play lyra? A woman?
  80. Who does she think she is?"
  81. (Laughter)
  82. My heart was beating really fast,
    and I was about to burst into tears
  83. when one of the oldest men of the group
    gently turned my head to look at him
  84. and said, "Chrisa, repeat after me:
  85. 'I am that I am, that I am, that I am.
    I’m Popeye the sailor man!'"
  86. (Laughter)
  87. Soon after I finished repeating
    the phrase, we all had a good laugh,
  88. and I got the nickname “kapetanaki,”
  89. which roughly translates
    to “little captain,”
  90. with a touch of a rebellious attitude.
  91. But I kept this "little captain" attitude
  92. in advocating for women's
    human and civil rights.
  93. Have you ever wondered

  94. why so many women and men
    pay the same college tuition
  95. but are not in so many cases
    getting paid equally?
  96. Apart from the wage gap,
    have you ever thought about
  97. why aren't there more women
    CEOs, politicians, engineers
  98. or lyra musicians for that matter?
  99. Who is responsible for that?
  100. [Who is responsible?]
  101. After spending a couple of years
    in private practice as a hypnotherapist,
  102. treating women with
    confidence related issues,
  103. it dawned on me.
  104. Most women didn’t believe
    they were enough.
  105. Smart enough, thin enough,
    beautiful enough,
  106. qualified enough, educated enough.
  107. I say, enough is enough!
  108. Numerous global studies show
    that compared with men,
  109. women don’t consider themselves
    as ready for promotions.
  110. They predict they’ll do worse on tests,
  111. and they generally
    underestimate their abilities,
  112. when in fact, their actual performance
    does not differ in quality or quantity.
  113. We fail to break the glass ceiling
    because of our lack of confidence.
  114. The answer to my question
    “Who is responsible” is we, women,
  115. and especially the things
    we say to ourselves
  116. and the things we believe
    to be true for ourselves.
  117. Each and every one of us
    is responsible for our lives.
  118. The only one to define who you are
    or who you think you are is you.
  119. It doesn’t matter what other people
    say or believe about you,
  120. what’s most important is
    what you believe to be true for yourself.
  121. Evaluate your own drawings,
  122. don’t seek others’ appraisal
    or approval for your creations.
  123. Now, the way you hear that question
    says a lot about your starting point
  124. when it comes to confidence.
  125. Do you hear it as a question
    that triggers a self-discovery journey?
  126. "Who do you think you are?"
  127. Or as an insult?
    "Who do you think you are?"
  128. "Who do you think you are
    to go after your dreams?"
  129. "Who do you think you are to speak up?"
  130. "Who do you think you are
    to talk back to authority?"
  131. "Who do you think you are to name
    your abuser after all these years?"
  132. "Who do you think you are to hold
    your head up high after a failure?"
  133. When someone asks you,
    "Who do you think you are,"
  134. how do you respond?
  135. Most likely with fear.
  136. This question has been lobbed at most
    of us at some point as an accusation,
  137. but I see it as the most powerful
    question to ask ourselves.
  138. Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said:
  139. (Greek) “The unexamined life
    isn’t worth living.”
  140. “The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”
  141. That was my starting point
    to forming the idea
  142. that in order to have a life worth living
  143. and confidently answer the question
    "Who do you think you are,"
  144. we have to examine our lives
    starting from childhood
  145. and properly parent our inner child.
  146. But first, what is the inner child?
  147. [Inner child]
  148. Inner child is a part of your character
    that was affected during childhood,
  149. which can have childish reactions
    to everyday adult situations,
  150. such as not speaking up for yourself,
  151. not being able to change
    an annoying habit,
  152. ask for what you want, set boundaries,
  153. apply for that job,
    ask for that promotion,
  154. negotiate your wage, or your worth.
  155. Are you wondering
    if you have an inner child?
  156. The answer is yes, you do have one
    because you were a child once.
  157. Why do we need to heal the inner child
    in order to have confidence?
  158. It's because during the early years
    of development in a child’s life,
  159. there are certain events
    that trigger emotions
  160. that a child is not equipped to deal with.
  161. We all had at a certain point
  162. some of our primal needs
    as children not quite met,
  163. and that created some
    kind of trauma or limiting belief.
  164. Lack of love, acceptance, protection.
  165. At that point, the child
    assumes the belief,
  166. "It’s me.
  167. There is something wrong with me."
  168. And continues all the adult life
    seeing herself based on that belief.
  169. I'm not enough.
  170. I can't.
  171. I'm not worthy.
  172. My idea is to compassionately listen
    to what this inner child is saying,
  173. and as a loving, caring parent
    give the correct answers.
  174. "You can.” “You are enough.”
    “You are worthy.”
  175. I’m going to share with you
    the technique I use with my clients
  176. tο help them update those false beliefs
  177. that helped them build confidence.
  178. It’s a process that everybody
    can do, both women and men.
  179. But in this time and age,
    I want to dedicate this practice to women.
  180. With statistically lower confidence,
    women can really use it,
  181. because it is time to meet
    the person you truly are.
  182. It consists of three steps.
  183. You’re going to need your imagination,
    a pen and a piece of paper.
  184. Step number one:
  185. Find a quiet place
    in the comfort of your home
  186. where you can have some time undisturbed,
  187. and take your notebook,
  188. and allow yourself to go back
    to a time in your childhood
  189. when something happened that hurt you.
  190. The important thing here
    is to notice and note down
  191. all the details as an observer.
  192. Witness the scene as an observer.
  193. And step number two:
  194. You are going to create
    some contact with that inner child
  195. you saw on the first scene.
  196. Approach her; tell her you are a friend.
  197. Tell her you saw what happened,
    and it is not her fault.
  198. Tell her, "You are loved
    and appreciated by me.
  199. I will take care of you.
    Things will be okay."
  200. [Things will be okay]
  201. In step number three,
    you are going to say your goodbyes,
  202. but before that, you are going to ask her,
    "What do you need right now?"
  203. Wait for the answer
    and then write it down.
  204. Speak to her with the wisdom
    you have today
  205. and share with her a message
    that will help her as she's growing up.
  206. Give any promises,
    express love and gratitude.
  207. “I will come back. I love you. Thank you.”
  208. You can repeat this process
    for as many life events as you see fit.
  209. And every time you need some
    extra boost of confidence or courage,
  210. repeat,
  211. "I am enough. I am lovable.
    I am safe. I can."
  212. That is what I did when
    I decided to learn lyra
  213. despite society’s disapproval.
  214. This is what I did just moments ago
    before I came up on this stage.
  215. Today, I am happy to report
  216. that more and more women
    are playing lyra in Crete,
  217. and there are many, many teachers
    that do not discriminate based on gender.
  218. [Xenia Pandelaki]
  219. [Katerina Petraki]
  220. [Kelly Thomas]
  221. There was a major shift
    in society’s perception.
  222. [Giota Silli]
  223. [Georgia Androulaki-Chnari]
  224. [Georgia Dagaki]
  225. [Ioanna Zouli]
  226. [Elena Karatzi]
  227. This is what happens when
    women show up authentically,
  228. confidently knowing who they truly are.
  229. And one might wonder,
  230. What else could be possible
  231. if you allow yourself to define
    who you are and act on it?
  232. This practice helped me
    build the confidence
  233. to create a life worth living,
  234. the courage to show up
    and speak my truth,
  235. and the compassion to accept
    my light and my shadows.
  236. I invite you to do the inner child work
    and examine your lives,
  237. because it is through her eyes,
  238. those eyes that look at the world
    with curiosity and wonder,
  239. that you will define who you truly are.
  240. And it is very important
    because how you define yourself
  241. will impact how successful
    you are at your work,
  242. the quality of your relationships,
  243. and even how happy
    and fulfilled you are in your life.
  244. Stop playing small,
    let your light shine through
  245. so that you show up in the world
    with love, creativity and grace.
  246. So, I will ask again,
    but take your time to answer.
  247. Who do you think you are?
  248. Thank you.
  249. (Applause)