Who do you think you are? Answer this to get more than confidence | Chrisa T.S. | TEDxDrapanosWomen
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0:04 - 0:07Remember that time
when as a child you drew a picture -
0:07 - 0:11and then you'd show your picture
to your parents or caregivers, -
0:11 - 0:14looking for appraisal or approval?
-
0:14 - 0:16I never got that from my mother.
-
0:16 - 0:19Every single time I showed her my drawing,
-
0:19 - 0:23“Look what I did, mom!
What do you think? Do you like it?" -
0:23 - 0:25She would look at my drawing,
-
0:25 - 0:29then look at me and reply with a question,
-
0:29 - 0:32“What do you think? Do you like it?”
-
0:32 - 0:33It doesn’t matter what I think,
-
0:33 - 0:36what’s more important
is what you think about it. -
0:37 - 0:39Back then I was kind of mad at her
-
0:39 - 0:42because I thought
that was some kind of test, -
0:42 - 0:44but now I know.
-
0:44 - 0:48She was trying to help me
build confidence in myself, -
0:48 - 0:50help me answer questions like,
-
0:50 - 0:57"What do I think? What do I like?
Do I like myself? Who am I?" -
0:59 - 1:02I have been asked this question,
“Who do you think you are?” -
1:02 - 1:04many times in my life,
-
1:04 - 1:08from people with good
and not so good intentions. -
1:08 - 1:12And every single time
I felt absolutely terrified. -
1:13 - 1:16There was a part in me really scared.
-
1:17 - 1:19When I finally looked at that fear,
-
1:19 - 1:23I saw a scared little girl
trying to figure things out. -
1:23 - 1:26Then I started communicating
with that girl. -
1:26 - 1:30What I found is that in talking
with that little girl in me, -
1:30 - 1:32I gained confidence in myself.
-
1:33 - 1:37The ride was bumpy but totally worth it.
-
1:38 - 1:40The story begins in college.
-
1:40 - 1:44One night we were partying
with my friends at the beach, -
1:44 - 1:47singing and playing music
around a bonfire. -
1:49 - 1:51A friend of mine was playing the mandolin.
-
1:51 - 1:55She was playing
with such a grace, I was in awe. -
1:55 - 1:57She invited me to join her,
-
1:57 - 2:01but I didn’t play any
musical instruments at that time. -
2:01 - 2:06But that night, I promised
to myself to learn lyra, -
2:06 - 2:09a musical instrument from Crete, Greece.
-
2:10 - 2:14The moment I said that out loud though,
something weird happened. -
2:14 - 2:17Half of my college friends
stopped talking to me -
2:17 - 2:21and the other half
were politely avoiding me. -
2:21 - 2:26When I confronted one of them,
he said, "It’s because of the lyra thing." -
2:26 - 2:29And I go, "Yes, so what?"
-
2:29 - 2:33"Well, you can’t, you are a woman,
-
2:33 - 2:38and lyra is a musical instrument
traditionally played by men." -
2:40 - 2:42Unaware of the fact that this clay model,
-
2:42 - 2:47found in Palaikastro, Crete,
and dates back to 1350 BC, -
2:47 - 2:54shows a group of women dancing
to the music of a lyre played by a woman. -
2:54 - 2:58Or totally forgetting
about people like Lavrendia Bernidaki, -
2:58 - 3:00who was the first woman in the 40s
-
3:00 - 3:04to ever be recorded
in a musical record as a singer. -
3:04 - 3:07But she was the first woman
that we know of, -
3:07 - 3:11that played all the musical instruments
widely played in Crete: -
3:11 - 3:16the lute, the violin,
lyra and the mandolin. -
3:17 - 3:22Nevertheless, I got the same reaction
from both men and women. -
3:23 - 3:27I even had someone publicly
point the finger at me saying, -
3:27 - 3:29"Who do you think you are to play lyra?"
-
3:30 - 3:36I was devastated, heartbroken and alone.
-
3:37 - 3:39But you know what?
-
3:39 - 3:42There was a part in me really excited
to learn how to play, -
3:42 - 3:46so I went on, bought the instrument
and started looking for a teacher. -
3:47 - 3:51Apparently, music teachers,
and especially lyra teachers, -
3:51 - 3:53didn’t teach women to play lyra.
-
3:53 - 3:57So I said, "Okay I am going
to have to learn by myself." -
3:57 - 3:58So I did.
-
4:00 - 4:06But as it's true with most things,
music is better when it's shared. -
4:06 - 4:11There was a group
of 70-, 80-year-old men and women -
4:11 - 4:14from the village of Melambes, Rethymno,
-
4:14 - 4:20who were gathering once a week, to play
music, sing, dance, eat and share stories. -
4:21 - 4:26In one of their gatherings,
I timidly mentioned that I play lyra too, -
4:26 - 4:27and they were so excited
-
4:27 - 4:30that a young lady plays
this musical instrument, -
4:30 - 4:34that they kept inviting me
week after week to play with them. -
4:34 - 4:36I was thrilled.
-
4:36 - 4:40I had finally found my tribe,
and I was having so much fun. -
4:40 - 4:42(Laughter)
-
4:42 - 4:45There was an incident, though,
I will never forget. -
4:45 - 4:49In one of the weekly gatherings
I was asked to play; -
4:49 - 4:53then suddenly, a man who was joining
the group for the first time, -
4:53 - 4:59stood up and yelled,
"Is she going to play lyra? A woman? -
4:59 - 5:01Who does she think she is?"
-
5:01 - 5:03(Laughter)
-
5:03 - 5:07My heart was beating really fast,
and I was about to burst into tears -
5:07 - 5:12when one of the oldest men of the group
gently turned my head to look at him -
5:12 - 5:16and said, "Chrisa, repeat after me:
-
5:16 - 5:21'I am that I am, that I am, that I am.
I’m Popeye the sailor man!'" -
5:21 - 5:24(Laughter)
-
5:24 - 5:28Soon after I finished repeating
the phrase, we all had a good laugh, -
5:28 - 5:32and I got the nickname “kapetanaki,”
-
5:32 - 5:35which roughly translates
to “little captain,” -
5:35 - 5:38with a touch of a rebellious attitude.
-
5:39 - 5:41But I kept this "little captain" attitude
-
5:41 - 5:45in advocating for women's
human and civil rights. -
5:46 - 5:47Have you ever wondered
-
5:47 - 5:52why so many women and men
pay the same college tuition -
5:52 - 5:56but are not in so many cases
getting paid equally? -
5:57 - 6:01Apart from the wage gap,
have you ever thought about -
6:01 - 6:05why aren't there more women
CEOs, politicians, engineers -
6:05 - 6:08or lyra musicians for that matter?
-
6:09 - 6:12Who is responsible for that?
-
6:12 - 6:14[Who is responsible?]
-
6:14 - 6:18After spending a couple of years
in private practice as a hypnotherapist, -
6:18 - 6:22treating women with
confidence related issues, -
6:22 - 6:24it dawned on me.
-
6:24 - 6:29Most women didn’t believe
they were enough. -
6:30 - 6:34Smart enough, thin enough,
beautiful enough, -
6:34 - 6:36qualified enough, educated enough.
-
6:36 - 6:39I say, enough is enough!
-
6:39 - 6:43Numerous global studies show
that compared with men, -
6:43 - 6:48women don’t consider themselves
as ready for promotions. -
6:48 - 6:50They predict they’ll do worse on tests,
-
6:50 - 6:53and they generally
underestimate their abilities, -
6:53 - 7:00when in fact, their actual performance
does not differ in quality or quantity. -
7:02 - 7:08We fail to break the glass ceiling
because of our lack of confidence. -
7:10 - 7:15The answer to my question
“Who is responsible” is we, women, -
7:15 - 7:18and especially the things
we say to ourselves -
7:18 - 7:21and the things we believe
to be true for ourselves. -
7:21 - 7:25Each and every one of us
is responsible for our lives. -
7:25 - 7:32The only one to define who you are
or who you think you are is you. -
7:32 - 7:36It doesn’t matter what other people
say or believe about you, -
7:36 - 7:40what’s most important is
what you believe to be true for yourself. -
7:40 - 7:43Evaluate your own drawings,
-
7:43 - 7:47don’t seek others’ appraisal
or approval for your creations. -
7:47 - 7:53Now, the way you hear that question
says a lot about your starting point -
7:53 - 7:55when it comes to confidence.
-
7:56 - 8:01Do you hear it as a question
that triggers a self-discovery journey? -
8:01 - 8:03"Who do you think you are?"
-
8:03 - 8:07Or as an insult?
"Who do you think you are?" -
8:07 - 8:10"Who do you think you are
to go after your dreams?" -
8:10 - 8:12"Who do you think you are to speak up?"
-
8:13 - 8:16"Who do you think you are
to talk back to authority?" -
8:16 - 8:21"Who do you think you are to name
your abuser after all these years?" -
8:21 - 8:26"Who do you think you are to hold
your head up high after a failure?" -
8:28 - 8:31When someone asks you,
"Who do you think you are," -
8:31 - 8:33how do you respond?
-
8:33 - 8:36Most likely with fear.
-
8:36 - 8:41This question has been lobbed at most
of us at some point as an accusation, -
8:41 - 8:45but I see it as the most powerful
question to ask ourselves. -
8:45 - 8:48Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said:
-
8:48 - 8:53(Greek) “The unexamined life
isn’t worth living.” -
8:53 - 8:57“The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”
-
8:57 - 8:59That was my starting point
to forming the idea -
8:59 - 9:01that in order to have a life worth living
-
9:01 - 9:05and confidently answer the question
"Who do you think you are," -
9:05 - 9:09we have to examine our lives
starting from childhood -
9:09 - 9:12and properly parent our inner child.
-
9:13 - 9:16But first, what is the inner child?
-
9:16 - 9:17[Inner child]
-
9:17 - 9:22Inner child is a part of your character
that was affected during childhood, -
9:22 - 9:26which can have childish reactions
to everyday adult situations, -
9:26 - 9:29such as not speaking up for yourself,
-
9:29 - 9:32not being able to change
an annoying habit, -
9:32 - 9:35ask for what you want, set boundaries,
-
9:35 - 9:38apply for that job,
ask for that promotion, -
9:38 - 9:40negotiate your wage, or your worth.
-
9:41 - 9:44Are you wondering
if you have an inner child? -
9:44 - 9:49The answer is yes, you do have one
because you were a child once. -
9:50 - 9:56Why do we need to heal the inner child
in order to have confidence? -
9:56 - 10:01It's because during the early years
of development in a child’s life, -
10:01 - 10:05there are certain events
that trigger emotions -
10:05 - 10:08that a child is not equipped to deal with.
-
10:08 - 10:10We all had at a certain point
-
10:10 - 10:14some of our primal needs
as children not quite met, -
10:14 - 10:17and that created some
kind of trauma or limiting belief. -
10:17 - 10:20Lack of love, acceptance, protection.
-
10:21 - 10:24At that point, the child
assumes the belief, -
10:25 - 10:27"It’s me.
-
10:27 - 10:30There is something wrong with me."
-
10:31 - 10:36And continues all the adult life
seeing herself based on that belief. -
10:38 - 10:40I'm not enough.
-
10:40 - 10:42I can't.
-
10:43 - 10:44I'm not worthy.
-
10:45 - 10:50My idea is to compassionately listen
to what this inner child is saying, -
10:50 - 10:55and as a loving, caring parent
give the correct answers. -
10:55 - 11:00"You can.” “You are enough.”
“You are worthy.” -
11:02 - 11:05I’m going to share with you
the technique I use with my clients -
11:05 - 11:08tο help them update those false beliefs
-
11:08 - 11:10that helped them build confidence.
-
11:10 - 11:16It’s a process that everybody
can do, both women and men. -
11:17 - 11:21But in this time and age,
I want to dedicate this practice to women. -
11:22 - 11:26With statistically lower confidence,
women can really use it, -
11:26 - 11:31because it is time to meet
the person you truly are. -
11:31 - 11:34It consists of three steps.
-
11:34 - 11:38You’re going to need your imagination,
a pen and a piece of paper. -
11:40 - 11:41Step number one:
-
11:41 - 11:44Find a quiet place
in the comfort of your home -
11:44 - 11:47where you can have some time undisturbed,
-
11:47 - 11:49and take your notebook,
-
11:49 - 11:52and allow yourself to go back
to a time in your childhood -
11:52 - 11:54when something happened that hurt you.
-
11:54 - 11:59The important thing here
is to notice and note down -
11:59 - 12:02all the details as an observer.
-
12:02 - 12:05Witness the scene as an observer.
-
12:05 - 12:07And step number two:
-
12:07 - 12:12You are going to create
some contact with that inner child -
12:12 - 12:15you saw on the first scene.
-
12:15 - 12:19Approach her; tell her you are a friend.
-
12:19 - 12:24Tell her you saw what happened,
and it is not her fault. -
12:25 - 12:30Tell her, "You are loved
and appreciated by me. -
12:31 - 12:35I will take care of you.
Things will be okay." -
12:35 - 12:37[Things will be okay]
-
12:37 - 12:40In step number three,
you are going to say your goodbyes, -
12:40 - 12:45but before that, you are going to ask her,
"What do you need right now?" -
12:46 - 12:49Wait for the answer
and then write it down. -
12:50 - 12:52Speak to her with the wisdom
you have today -
12:52 - 12:57and share with her a message
that will help her as she's growing up. -
12:59 - 13:03Give any promises,
express love and gratitude. -
13:03 - 13:07“I will come back. I love you. Thank you.”
-
13:07 - 13:12You can repeat this process
for as many life events as you see fit. -
13:12 - 13:17And every time you need some
extra boost of confidence or courage, -
13:17 - 13:18repeat,
-
13:18 - 13:24"I am enough. I am lovable.
I am safe. I can." -
13:25 - 13:28That is what I did when
I decided to learn lyra -
13:28 - 13:31despite society’s disapproval.
-
13:31 - 13:35This is what I did just moments ago
before I came up on this stage. -
13:36 - 13:39Today, I am happy to report
-
13:39 - 13:42that more and more women
are playing lyra in Crete, -
13:42 - 13:48and there are many, many teachers
that do not discriminate based on gender. -
13:49 - 13:51[Xenia Pandelaki]
-
13:51 - 13:52[Katerina Petraki]
-
13:52 - 13:53[Kelly Thomas]
-
13:53 - 13:57There was a major shift
in society’s perception. -
13:57 - 13:58[Giota Silli]
-
13:58 - 14:00[Georgia Androulaki-Chnari]
-
14:00 - 14:02[Georgia Dagaki]
-
14:02 - 14:03[Ioanna Zouli]
-
14:03 - 14:04[Elena Karatzi]
-
14:04 - 14:09This is what happens when
women show up authentically, -
14:09 - 14:12confidently knowing who they truly are.
-
14:12 - 14:15And one might wonder,
-
14:15 - 14:17What else could be possible
-
14:17 - 14:22if you allow yourself to define
who you are and act on it? -
14:23 - 14:25This practice helped me
build the confidence -
14:25 - 14:28to create a life worth living,
-
14:28 - 14:32the courage to show up
and speak my truth, -
14:32 - 14:37and the compassion to accept
my light and my shadows. -
14:37 - 14:42I invite you to do the inner child work
and examine your lives, -
14:42 - 14:44because it is through her eyes,
-
14:44 - 14:48those eyes that look at the world
with curiosity and wonder, -
14:48 - 14:50that you will define who you truly are.
-
14:50 - 14:54And it is very important
because how you define yourself -
14:54 - 14:58will impact how successful
you are at your work, -
14:58 - 15:00the quality of your relationships,
-
15:00 - 15:04and even how happy
and fulfilled you are in your life. -
15:05 - 15:08Stop playing small,
let your light shine through -
15:08 - 15:15so that you show up in the world
with love, creativity and grace. -
15:16 - 15:21So, I will ask again,
but take your time to answer. -
15:23 - 15:26Who do you think you are?
-
15:27 - 15:28Thank you.
-
15:28 - 15:30(Applause)
- Title:
- Who do you think you are? Answer this to get more than confidence | Chrisa T.S. | TEDxDrapanosWomen
- Description:
-
“Who do you think you are?” How do you feel when you hear this question? Does it motivate you to embark on a self-discovery journey, or do you hear it as an insult? Most people feel insulted by this question but Chrisa T.S,, transformation coach, poet, and lyra musician, considers it as the most powerful question to ask ourselves.
In sharing her personal story, when her desire to learn Cretan lyra was crushed by the local community’s perception about how a woman should be, she takes us on a journey to meet our inner child. The result of this journey will inevitably influence our confidence, our self-esteem, will empower the love we have for ourselves, and will rekindle our excitement for a life full of joy and meaning.
A former political strategy adviser, she has extensive experience working with high performing people in high pressure situations, and she excels in helping women deal with confidence-related issues and stress management.
Every Thursday, Chrisa hosts her own video show on YouTube: The Chrisa Group Show, discussing personal development hot topics. In addition, she is a regular contributor to ThriveGlobal.com, where she writes about life and business from a Greco-Cretan perspective. Most nights, you'll find Chrisa at home with a cup of herbal Cretan tea writing about life, love and everything else on her blog.This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:34