Showing Revision 14 created 02/16/2019 by Rhonda Jacobs.

1. Title:
   Who do you think you are? Answer this to get more than confidence | Chrisa T.S. | TEDxDrapanosWomen
2. Description:

   “Who do you think you are?” How do you feel when you hear this question? Does it motivate you to embark on a self-discovery journey, or do you hear it as an insult? Most people feel insulted by this question but Chrisa T.S,, transformation coach, poet, and lyra musician, considers it as the most powerful question to ask ourselves.

   In sharing her personal story, when her desire to learn Cretan lyra was crushed by the local community’s perception about how a woman should be, she takes us on a journey to meet our inner child. The result of this journey will inevitably influence our confidence, our self-esteem, will empower the love we have for ourselves, and will rekindle our excitement for a life full of joy and meaning.

   A former political strategy adviser, she has extensive experience working with high performing people in high pressure situations, and she excels in helping women deal with confidence-related issues and stress management.
   Every Thursday, Chrisa hosts her own video show on YouTube: The Chrisa Group Show, discussing personal development hot topics. In addition, she is a regular contributor to ThriveGlobal.com, where she writes about life and business from a Greco-Cretan perspective. Most nights, you'll find Chrisa at home with a cup of herbal Cretan tea writing about life, love and everything else on her blog.

   This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

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   Remember that time
   when as a child you drew a picture
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   and then you'd show your picture
   to your parents or caregivers,
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   looking for appraisal or approval?
   
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   I never got that from my mother.
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   Every single time I showed her my drawing,
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   “Look what I did, mom!
   What do you think? Do you like it?"
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   She would look at my drawing,
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    then look at me and reply with a question,
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    “What do you think? Do you like it?”
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    It doesn’t matter what I think,
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    what’s more important
    is what you think about it.
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    Back then I was kind of mad at her
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    because I thought
    that was some kind of test,
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    but now I know.
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    She was trying to help me
    build confidence in myself,
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    help me answer questions like,
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    "What do I think? What do I like?
    Do I like myself? Who am I?"
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    I have been asked this question,
    “Who do you think you are?”
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    many times in my life,
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    from people with good
    and not so good intentions.
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    And every single time
    I felt absolutely terrified.
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    There was a part in me really scared.
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    When I finally looked at that fear,
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    I saw a scared little girl
    trying to figure things out.
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    Then I started communicating
    with that girl.
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    What I found is that in talking
    with that little girl in me,
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    I gained confidence in myself.
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    The ride was bumpy but totally worth it.
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    The story begins in college.
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    One night we were partying
    with my friends at the beach,
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    singing and playing music
    around a bonfire.
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    A friend of mine was playing the mandolin.
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    She was playing
    with such a grace, I was in awe.
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    She invited me to join her,
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    but I didn’t play any
    musical instruments at that time.
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    But that night, I promised
    to myself to learn lyra,
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    a musical instrument from Crete, Greece.
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    The moment I said that out loud though,
    something weird happened.
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    Half of my college friends
    stopped talking to me
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    and the other half
    were politely avoiding me.
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    When I confronted one of them,
    he said, "It’s because of the lyra thing."
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    And I go, "Yes, so what?"
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    "Well, you can’t, you are a woman,
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    and lyra is a musical instrument
    traditionally played by men."
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    Unaware of the fact that this clay model,
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    found in Palaikastro, Crete,
    and dates back to 1350 BC,
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    shows a group of women dancing
    to the music of a lyre played by a woman.
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    Or totally forgetting
    about people like Lavrendia Bernidaki,
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    who was the first woman in the 40s
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    to ever be recorded
    in a musical record as a singer.
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    But she was the first woman
    that we know of,
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    that played all the musical instruments
    widely played in Crete:
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    the lute, the violin,
    lyra and the mandolin.
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    Nevertheless, I got the same reaction
    from both men and women.
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    I even had someone publicly
    point the finger at me saying,
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    "Who do you think you are to play lyra?"
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    I was devastated, heartbroken and alone.
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    But you know what?
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    There was a part in me really excited
    to learn how to play,
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    so I went on, bought the instrument
    and started looking for a teacher.
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    Apparently, music teachers,
    and especially lyra teachers,
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    didn’t teach women to play lyra.
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    So I said, "Okay I am going
    to have to learn by myself."
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    So I did.
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    But as it's true with most things,
    music is better when it's shared.
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    There was a group
    of 70-, 80-year-old men and women
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    from the village of Melambes, Rethymno,
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    who were gathering once a week, to play
    music, sing, dance, eat and share stories.
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    In one of their gatherings,
    I timidly mentioned that I play lyra too,
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    and they were so excited
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    that a young lady plays
    this musical instrument,
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    that they kept inviting me
    week after week to play with them.
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    I was thrilled.
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    I had finally found my tribe,
    and I was having so much fun.
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    (Laughter)
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    There was an incident, though,
    I will never forget.
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    In one of the weekly gatherings
    I was asked to play;
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    then suddenly, a man who was joining
    the group for the first time,
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    stood up and yelled,
    "Is she going to play lyra? A woman?
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    Who does she think she is?"
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    (Laughter)
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    My heart was beating really fast,
    and I was about to burst into tears
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    when one of the oldest men of the group
    gently turned my head to look at him
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    and said, "Chrisa, repeat after me:
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    'I am that I am, that I am, that I am.
    I’m Popeye the sailor man!'"
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    (Laughter)
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    Soon after I finished repeating
    the phrase, we all had a good laugh,
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    and I got the nickname “kapetanaki,”
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    which roughly translates
    to “little captain,”
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    with a touch of a rebellious attitude.
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    But I kept this "little captain" attitude
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    in advocating for women's
    human and civil rights.
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    Have you ever wondered

    ¶

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    why so many women and men
    pay the same college tuition
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    but are not in so many cases
    getting paid equally?
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    Apart from the wage gap,
    have you ever thought about
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    why aren't there more women
    CEOs, politicians, engineers
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     or lyra musicians for that matter?
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     Who is responsible for that?
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     [Who is responsible?]
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     After spending a couple of years
     in private practice as a hypnotherapist,
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     treating women with
     confidence related issues,
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     it dawned on me.
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     Most women didn’t believe
     they were enough.
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     Smart enough, thin enough,
     beautiful enough,
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     qualified enough, educated enough.
     
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     I say, enough is enough!
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     Numerous global studies show
     that compared with men,
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     women don’t consider themselves
     as ready for promotions.
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     They predict they’ll do worse on tests,
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     and they generally
     underestimate their abilities,
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     when in fact, their actual performance
     does not differ in quality or quantity.
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     We fail to break the glass ceiling
     because of our lack of confidence.
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     The answer to my question
     “Who is responsible” is we, women,
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     and especially the things
     we say to ourselves
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     and the things we believe
     to be true for ourselves.
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     Each and every one of us
     is responsible for our lives.
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     The only one to define who you are
     or who you think you are is you.
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     It doesn’t matter what other people
     say or believe about you,
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     what’s most important is
     what you believe to be true for yourself.
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     Evaluate your own drawings,
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     don’t seek others’ appraisal
     or approval for your creations.
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     Now, the way you hear that question
     says a lot about your starting point
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     when it comes to confidence.
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     Do you hear it as a question
     that triggers a self-discovery journey?
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     "Who do you think you are?"
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     Or as an insult?
     "Who do you think you are?"
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     "Who do you think you are
     to go after your dreams?"
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     "Who do you think you are to speak up?"
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     "Who do you think you are
     to talk back to authority?"
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     "Who do you think you are to name
     your abuser after all these years?"
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     "Who do you think you are to hold
     your head up high after a failure?"
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     When someone asks you,
     "Who do you think you are,"
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     how do you respond?
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     Most likely with fear.
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     This question has been lobbed at most
     of us at some point as an accusation,
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     but I see it as the most powerful
     question to ask ourselves.
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     Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said:
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     (Greek) “The unexamined life
     isn’t worth living.”
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     “The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”
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     That was my starting point
     to forming the idea
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     that in order to have a life worth living
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     and confidently answer the question
     "Who do you think you are,"
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     we have to examine our lives
     starting from childhood
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     and properly parent our inner child.
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     But first, what is the inner child?
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     [Inner child]
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     Inner child is a part of your character
     that was affected during childhood,
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     which can have childish reactions
     to everyday adult situations,
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     such as not speaking up for yourself,
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     not being able to change
     an annoying habit,
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     ask for what you want, set boundaries,
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     apply for that job,
     ask for that promotion,
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     negotiate your wage, or your worth.
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     Are you wondering
     if you have an inner child?
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     The answer is yes, you do have one
     because you were a child once.
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     Why do we need to heal the inner child
     in order to have confidence?
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     It's because during the early years
     of development in a child’s life,
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     there are certain events
     that trigger emotions
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     that a child is not equipped to deal with.
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     We all had at a certain point
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     some of our primal needs
     as children not quite met,
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     and that created some
     kind of trauma or limiting belief.
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     Lack of love, acceptance, protection.
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     At that point, the child
     assumes the belief,
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     "It’s me.
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     There is something wrong with me."
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     And continues all the adult life
     seeing herself based on that belief.
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     I'm not enough.
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     I can't.
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     I'm not worthy.
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     My idea is to compassionately listen
     to what this inner child is saying,
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     and as a loving, caring parent
     give the correct answers.
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     "You can.” “You are enough.”
     “You are worthy.”
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     I’m going to share with you
     the technique I use with my clients
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     tο help them update those false beliefs
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     that helped them build confidence.
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     It’s a process that everybody
     can do, both women and men.
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     But in this time and age,
     I want to dedicate this practice to women.
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     With statistically lower confidence,
     women can really use it,
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     because it is time to meet
     the person you truly are.
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     It consists of three steps.
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     You’re going to need your imagination,
     a pen and a piece of paper.
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     Step number one:
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     Find a quiet place
     in the comfort of your home
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     where you can have some time undisturbed,
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     and take your notebook,
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     and allow yourself to go back
     to a time in your childhood
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     when something happened that hurt you.
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     The important thing here
     is to notice and note down
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     all the details as an observer.
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     Witness the scene as an observer.
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     And step number two:
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     You are going to create
     some contact with that inner child
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     you saw on the first scene.
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     Approach her; tell her you are a friend.
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     Tell her you saw what happened,
     and it is not her fault.
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     Tell her, "You are loved
     and appreciated by me.
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     I will take care of you.
     Things will be okay."
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     [Things will be okay]
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     In step number three,
     you are going to say your goodbyes,
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     but before that, you are going to ask her,
     "What do you need right now?"
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     Wait for the answer
     and then write it down.
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     Speak to her with the wisdom
     you have today
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     and share with her a message
     that will help her as she's growing up.
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     Give any promises,
     express love and gratitude.
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     “I will come back. I love you. Thank you.”
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     You can repeat this process
     for as many life events as you see fit.
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     And every time you need some
     extra boost of confidence or courage,
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     repeat,
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     "I am enough. I am lovable.
     I am safe. I can."
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     That is what I did when
     I decided to learn lyra
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     despite society’s disapproval.
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     This is what I did just moments ago
     before I came up on this stage.
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     Today, I am happy to report
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     that more and more women
     are playing lyra in Crete,
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     and there are many, many teachers
     that do not discriminate based on gender.
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     [Xenia Pandelaki]
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     [Katerina Petraki]
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     [Kelly Thomas]
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     There was a major shift
     in society’s perception.
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     [Giota Silli]
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     [Georgia Androulaki-Chnari]
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     [Georgia Dagaki]
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     [Ioanna Zouli]
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     [Elena Karatzi]
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     This is what happens when
     women show up authentically,
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     confidently knowing who they truly are.
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     And one might wonder,
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     What else could be possible
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     if you allow yourself to define
     who you are and act on it?
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     This practice helped me
     build the confidence
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     to create a life worth living,
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     the courage to show up
     and speak my truth,
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     and the compassion to accept
     my light and my shadows.
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     I invite you to do the inner child work
     and examine your lives,
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     because it is through her eyes,
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     those eyes that look at the world
     with curiosity and wonder,
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     that you will define who you truly are.
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     And it is very important
     because how you define yourself
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     will impact how successful
     you are at your work,
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     the quality of your relationships,
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     and even how happy
     and fulfilled you are in your life.
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     Stop playing small,
     let your light shine through
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     so that you show up in the world
     with love, creativity and grace.
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     So, I will ask again,
     but take your time to answer.
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     Who do you think you are?
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     Thank you.
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     (Applause)