Why is it So Hard to Forgive Ourselves? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

- Hey, everybody.

Today, we're gonna talk about forgiveness,

but before I jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

Welcome.

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Mondays and on Thursdays,

so make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications

turned on so that you don't miss out.

But let's jump into today's topic.

Now forgiveness is something
we often know we should do,

or we're told to do it,
but no one really talks

about how we're supposed
to forgive someone,

especially ourselves.

When anyone speaks about forgiveness,

I know I automatically think
about someone doing something

that hurt me or my feelings,

and that I need to let
it go by forgiving them.

But I find that what we struggle with most

is forgiving ourselves
for any of the wrongs

or missteps we've made, and trust me,

I'm not any better at this.

Just the other day, I was
ruminating about something

I said and I worried could've
been taken the wrong way

or sometimes, if I let my mind wander,

I'll go back to things
I have done in my past

that I feel bad about,

so annoying.

I can even spend hours just
going through things I said

or did in my past, jumping
from when I was a child,

to just what happened a few months ago,

and I will play that scenario back again,

almost like I'm trying to
hurt myself all over again

just to prove how sorry I truly am,

but in to the good news, today
we are both going to learn

how we can forgive ourselves,

and finally let all that stuff go,

and the first tip we're gonna talk about

is allowing yourself a re-do.

You know how I talk about,

our brain doesn't know the difference

between visualizing, and real life?

It's true, it doesn't.

If we visualize ourselves doing something,

it thinks it's the same as us

actually doing it in real life.

Pretty cool, huh?

So we can use this information,

this really cool,
scientifically-proven information,

to our advantage when it
comes to forgiving ourselves,

and letting go of past faults.

Imagine how you would re-do
the scenario or experience.

So think about it, imagine it,

and then I want you to
journal about what you learned

from that terrible, or even
embarrassing experience.

- Doing this not only shows us

that we have learned
from it, and moved on,

but that we will do better next time.

So give it a try, because like I said,

our brain doesn't know the difference,

and if we visualize this
new outcome happening,

us maybe not saying that thing
that hurt their feelings,

or doing the thing that we
were so embarrassed about,

then it's like our brain will let that go,

so that these random memories
of bad things we've done

don't just pop up out of
nowhere, and maybe ruin our day.

The second tip on how to forgive ourselves

is to say sorry, and
repair the relationship.

Often when we haven't at
least tried to make amends,

we can struggle to forgive
ourselves and move on.

My patients tell me all the
time that they will keep

replaying the last fight
they had with someone,

almost like they're self-injuring with it.

Like I even talked about at the beginning,

I feel like I'm just
hurting myself over and over

with retelling these painful stories.

And so if it's safe to
reengage with someone

we have wronged, consider
trying to apologize.

And as always, it's best
to take the time to prepare

what we want to say,
and maybe even practice

saying it out loud before
we go to meet them.

That way, you can even
imagine what they might say

in response, and consider
your answers back,

which really just ensures that we don't go

and try to repair the relationship,

and end up making it even worse.

The third tip, thought-stopping.

I'm sure you saw that one coming.

I haven't talked about this in awhile,

but it's such an important tool.

If you find your brain
continuously going back

to that one time you did
that really shitty thing,

and it hurts you, or
embarrasses you all over again,

don't fret, you can shut down
that annoying thought-pattern

right in its tracks.

The first way to stop
negative, or ruling thoughts

from taking over our entire mind

is to simply yell, or say loudly, stop.

When your mind wanders
back in to that negative,

or hurtful time again,
don't let it go any further,

say stop, shut it down.

Now, in all honesty, that tip is the one

that everybody talks about when
it comes to thought-stopping

but its never really
worked for me personally,

but everyone's different,
and it could help you,

so I just wanted to at least mention it

and let you know it's available.

But there are other ways
that we can stop our thoughts

from going in to places
we don't want them to.

The one that works best for me

is to notice it's happening again,

and force my mind in to a pleasant memory.

Hmm, I could go back to
that wonderful summer

I spent in Costa Rica,

where I learned Spanish
with my friend, Nina,

or the other year when Shawn
and I went to Palm Springs

for a weekend getaway.

Whatever the happy memory is,

you're gonna need to try
to use all five senses,

and tell yourself the whole story

of each trip, and experience,

and often, by the time
we get to that second

out of our five senses,
we have already forgotten

all about that nasty, or negative memory.

And finally, simply
noticing your thoughts,

and taking yourself out of it, can help.

Meaning, that we can notice
our mind is wandering

in to that hurtful space again,

and say to ourselves,
yep my mind is trying

to make me feel bad, and
pull me back in there,

but I don't wanna go.

Often just knowing it's happening,

and recognizing that pattern, can stop it.

So I don't know, give some of
these tips and tricks a try,

and see what works for you,

or better yet, let us
know in those comments

what works best when you're trying

to stop your negative thoughts.

And my fourth tip is to
focus on how far you've come.

This can be done through journaling,

and if you're really lucky,
you've been keeping a journal,

so you can actually go back to that time

when that nasty thing happened,

and you read through
your entries from then,

but I know that most of
us don't keep journals,

so right now let's just take some time

to consider our own values, morals,

and our current relationships.

What are the things that
you look for in others,

and what do you strive to
bring to your relationship?

Taking the time to consider these things

can help us not only realize

that we are in fact good people,

but also also that we have learned a lot

from our past upsets.

Perhaps we no longer pick
fights when we're drinking,

or we're more careful about
how we say things to people

in the heat of an argument.

You can even write down
the specific things

you think the past relationship
or fight taught you.

Maybe it taught you a bit about yourself,

and how you can better engage
with people in your life.

So spend some time taking
stock of who you are now,

and how you've grown from
that particular experience.

My fifth tip, positive self-talk.

You knew I was gonna try
to sneak this in somehow.

But in all honesty, a
lot of what prevents us

from being able to forgive ourselves

is how we talk about
it within our own head,

but if we keep allowing our mind

to take us back to that fight,

and then we beat ourselves
up about it again, and again,

about how we should have not said that,

or how we should have
done or said that instead,

we won't ever be able to move past it.

If we change the conversation
we have with ourselves

about this hurt, and terrible,
or embarrassing experience,

then, and only then, can
we fully let go of it

and forgive ourselves.

I hope you found this information helpful.

I know forgiving
ourselves can sometimes be

so much harder than
forgiving someone else.

Oh, and as a reminder,
if you like my channel,

you're gonna love my book,

Are u ok?: Your Guide to
Caring for Your Mental Health

is available now, so click
link in the description,

and pick one up for you,

and also leave any other ideas,

or things that you felt
I left out in this video

in those comments down below,

and I will see you next time, bye.