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← Why is it So Hard to Forgive Ourselves? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

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Showing Revision 1 created 07/09/2019 by Amara Bot.

  1. - Hey, everybody.

  2. Today, we're gonna talk about forgiveness,
  3. but before I jump into that,
    are you new to my channel?
  4. Welcome.
  5. I release videos on
    Mondays and on Thursdays,
  6. so make sure you're subscribed
    and have your notifications
  7. turned on so that you don't miss out.
  8. But let's jump into today's topic.
  9. Now forgiveness is something
    we often know we should do,
  10. or we're told to do it,
    but no one really talks
  11. about how we're supposed
    to forgive someone,
  12. especially ourselves.
  13. When anyone speaks about forgiveness,
  14. I know I automatically think
    about someone doing something
  15. that hurt me or my feelings,
  16. and that I need to let
    it go by forgiving them.
  17. But I find that what we struggle with most
  18. is forgiving ourselves
    for any of the wrongs
  19. or missteps we've made, and trust me,
  20. I'm not any better at this.
  21. Just the other day, I was
    ruminating about something
  22. I said and I worried could've
    been taken the wrong way
  23. or sometimes, if I let my mind wander,
  24. I'll go back to things
    I have done in my past
  25. that I feel bad about,
  26. so annoying.
  27. I can even spend hours just
    going through things I said
  28. or did in my past, jumping
    from when I was a child,
  29. to just what happened a few months ago,
  30. and I will play that scenario back again,
  31. almost like I'm trying to
    hurt myself all over again
  32. just to prove how sorry I truly am,
  33. but in to the good news, today
    we are both going to learn
  34. how we can forgive ourselves,
  35. and finally let all that stuff go,
  36. and the first tip we're gonna talk about
  37. is allowing yourself a re-do.
  38. You know how I talk about,
  39. our brain doesn't know the difference
  40. between visualizing, and real life?
  41. It's true, it doesn't.
  42. If we visualize ourselves doing something,
  43. it thinks it's the same as us
  44. actually doing it in real life.
  45. Pretty cool, huh?
  46. So we can use this information,
  47. this really cool,
    scientifically-proven information,
  48. to our advantage when it
    comes to forgiving ourselves,
  49. and letting go of past faults.
  50. Imagine how you would re-do
    the scenario or experience.
  51. So think about it, imagine it,
  52. and then I want you to
    journal about what you learned
  53. from that terrible, or even
    embarrassing experience.
  54. - Doing this not only shows us
  55. that we have learned
    from it, and moved on,
  56. but that we will do better next time.
  57. So give it a try, because like I said,
  58. our brain doesn't know the difference,
  59. and if we visualize this
    new outcome happening,
  60. us maybe not saying that thing
    that hurt their feelings,
  61. or doing the thing that we
    were so embarrassed about,
  62. then it's like our brain will let that go,
  63. so that these random memories
    of bad things we've done
  64. don't just pop up out of
    nowhere, and maybe ruin our day.
  65. The second tip on how to forgive ourselves
  66. is to say sorry, and
    repair the relationship.
  67. Often when we haven't at
    least tried to make amends,
  68. we can struggle to forgive
    ourselves and move on.
  69. My patients tell me all the
    time that they will keep
  70. replaying the last fight
    they had with someone,
  71. almost like they're self-injuring with it.
  72. Like I even talked about at the beginning,
  73. I feel like I'm just
    hurting myself over and over
  74. with retelling these painful stories.
  75. And so if it's safe to
    reengage with someone
  76. we have wronged, consider
    trying to apologize.
  77. And as always, it's best
    to take the time to prepare
  78. what we want to say,
    and maybe even practice
  79. saying it out loud before
    we go to meet them.
  80. That way, you can even
    imagine what they might say
  81. in response, and consider
    your answers back,
  82. which really just ensures that we don't go
  83. and try to repair the relationship,
  84. and end up making it even worse.
  85. The third tip, thought-stopping.
  86. I'm sure you saw that one coming.
  87. I haven't talked about this in awhile,
  88. but it's such an important tool.
  89. If you find your brain
    continuously going back
  90. to that one time you did
    that really shitty thing,
  91. and it hurts you, or
    embarrasses you all over again,
  92. don't fret, you can shut down
    that annoying thought-pattern
  93. right in its tracks.
  94. The first way to stop
    negative, or ruling thoughts
  95. from taking over our entire mind
  96. is to simply yell, or say loudly, stop.
  97. When your mind wanders
    back in to that negative,
  98. or hurtful time again,
    don't let it go any further,
  99. say stop, shut it down.
  100. Now, in all honesty, that tip is the one
  101. that everybody talks about when
    it comes to thought-stopping
  102. but its never really
    worked for me personally,
  103. but everyone's different,
    and it could help you,
  104. so I just wanted to at least mention it
  105. and let you know it's available.
  106. But there are other ways
    that we can stop our thoughts
  107. from going in to places
    we don't want them to.
  108. The one that works best for me
  109. is to notice it's happening again,
  110. and force my mind in to a pleasant memory.
  111. Hmm, I could go back to
    that wonderful summer
  112. I spent in Costa Rica,
  113. where I learned Spanish
    with my friend, Nina,
  114. or the other year when Shawn
    and I went to Palm Springs
  115. for a weekend getaway.
  116. Whatever the happy memory is,
  117. you're gonna need to try
    to use all five senses,
  118. and tell yourself the whole story
  119. of each trip, and experience,
  120. and often, by the time
    we get to that second
  121. out of our five senses,
    we have already forgotten
  122. all about that nasty, or negative memory.
  123. And finally, simply
    noticing your thoughts,
  124. and taking yourself out of it, can help.
  125. Meaning, that we can notice
    our mind is wandering
  126. in to that hurtful space again,
  127. and say to ourselves,
    yep my mind is trying
  128. to make me feel bad, and
    pull me back in there,
  129. but I don't wanna go.
  130. Often just knowing it's happening,
  131. and recognizing that pattern, can stop it.
  132. So I don't know, give some of
    these tips and tricks a try,
  133. and see what works for you,
  134. or better yet, let us
    know in those comments
  135. what works best when you're trying
  136. to stop your negative thoughts.
  137. And my fourth tip is to
    focus on how far you've come.
  138. This can be done through journaling,
  139. and if you're really lucky,
    you've been keeping a journal,
  140. so you can actually go back to that time
  141. when that nasty thing happened,
  142. and you read through
    your entries from then,
  143. but I know that most of
    us don't keep journals,
  144. so right now let's just take some time
  145. to consider our own values, morals,
  146. and our current relationships.
  147. What are the things that
    you look for in others,
  148. and what do you strive to
    bring to your relationship?
  149. Taking the time to consider these things
  150. can help us not only realize
  151. that we are in fact good people,
  152. but also also that we have learned a lot
  153. from our past upsets.
  154. Perhaps we no longer pick
    fights when we're drinking,
  155. or we're more careful about
    how we say things to people
  156. in the heat of an argument.
  157. You can even write down
    the specific things
  158. you think the past relationship
    or fight taught you.
  159. Maybe it taught you a bit about yourself,
  160. and how you can better engage
    with people in your life.
  161. So spend some time taking
    stock of who you are now,
  162. and how you've grown from
    that particular experience.
  163. My fifth tip, positive self-talk.
  164. You knew I was gonna try
    to sneak this in somehow.
  165. But in all honesty, a
    lot of what prevents us
  166. from being able to forgive ourselves
  167. is how we talk about
    it within our own head,
  168. but if we keep allowing our mind
  169. to take us back to that fight,
  170. and then we beat ourselves
    up about it again, and again,
  171. about how we should have not said that,
  172. or how we should have
    done or said that instead,
  173. we won't ever be able to move past it.
  174. If we change the conversation
    we have with ourselves
  175. about this hurt, and terrible,
    or embarrassing experience,
  176. then, and only then, can
    we fully let go of it
  177. and forgive ourselves.
  178. I hope you found this information helpful.
  179. I know forgiving
    ourselves can sometimes be
  180. so much harder than
    forgiving someone else.
  181. Oh, and as a reminder,
    if you like my channel,
  182. you're gonna love my book,
  183. Are u ok?: Your Guide to
    Caring for Your Mental Health
  184. is available now, so click
    link in the description,
  185. and pick one up for you,
  186. and also leave any other ideas,
  187. or things that you felt
    I left out in this video
  188. in those comments down below,
  189. and I will see you next time, bye.