Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder
-
0:03 - 0:08This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding, -
0:10 - 0:11and when I was there,
-
0:11 - 0:14there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from Frozen. -
0:15 - 0:21Not the Anna and Elsa from Frozen
as this was not a Disney sanctioned event, -
0:21 - 0:25these two entrepreneurs had a business
of running princess parties. -
0:26 - 0:27Your kid is turning five?
-
0:27 - 0:31They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. -
0:32 - 0:35And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity -
0:35 - 0:38that was the phenomenon that was Frozen,
-
0:38 - 0:40so get hired by a local toy store,
-
0:40 - 0:41kids come in on a Saturday morning
-
0:41 - 0:45buy some Disney swag,
get the picture taken with the princesses, -
0:45 - 0:46call it a day.
-
0:46 - 0:49It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions. -
0:49 - 0:50(Laughter)
-
0:50 - 0:55And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it. -
0:55 - 1:00She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books -
1:00 - 1:05as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one 'n' to avoid copyright lawsuits -
1:05 - 1:07(Laughter)
-
1:07 - 1:12according to my niece and the 200 plus
kids in the parking lot that day, -
1:12 - 1:15this was the Anna and Elsa from Frozen.
-
1:17 - 1:18So, let me paint the picture:
-
1:18 - 1:23it is a blazing hot Saturday morning,
in August, in Ohio. -
1:24 - 1:27We get there at ten o'clock,
the scheduled start time, -
1:27 - 1:29and we are handed number 59.
-
1:29 - 1:33By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25; -
1:34 - 1:35this was going to be a while,
-
1:35 - 1:40and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos -
1:40 - 1:43that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store. -
1:43 - 1:45(Laughter)
-
1:45 - 1:49So, by 12.30 we get called,
-
1:49 - 1:51"56 to 63, please."
-
1:52 - 1:56And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you -
1:56 - 1:59as saying it looked like Norway throw-up.
-
1:59 - 2:00(Laughter)
-
2:00 - 2:04There were cardboard
cut-out-snowflakes covering the floor, -
2:04 - 2:09glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls. -
2:10 - 2:12And as we stood in line
-
2:12 - 2:14in an attempt to give my niece
a better vantage point -
2:14 - 2:16than the backside
of the mother of number 58, -
2:16 - 2:18I put her up on my shoulders,
-
2:18 - 2:22and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses. -
2:22 - 2:25And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew, -
2:25 - 2:27and as we finally got
to the front of the line, -
2:27 - 2:30and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses -
2:30 - 2:34I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body. -
2:34 - 2:37And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too. -
2:37 - 2:38(Laughter)
-
2:38 - 2:41I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing. -
2:41 - 2:43(Laughter)
-
2:43 - 2:45So we get to the front of the line,
-
2:45 - 2:48and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says: -
2:48 - 2:49"Hi honey, you're next!
-
2:49 - 2:52Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay -
2:52 - 2:54on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'
-
2:54 - 2:55(Laughter)
-
2:55 - 2:59And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen! -
2:59 - 3:01(Laughter)
-
3:01 - 3:05It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question, -
3:06 - 3:07Who am I?
-
3:07 - 3:10Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?
-
3:10 - 3:14Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation, -
3:14 - 3:17and there one was, right in front of me.
-
3:17 - 3:18At the same time,
-
3:18 - 3:21there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life -
3:21 - 3:25so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in, -
3:25 - 3:28torn between two things,
two impossible choices: -
3:28 - 3:30Would I be an advocate?
-
3:30 - 3:34Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her -
3:34 - 3:37that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father, -
3:37 - 3:40and that she should be more careful
-
3:40 - 3:44and not jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides -
3:45 - 3:46(Laughter)
-
3:46 - 3:48and while doing that,
-
3:48 - 3:52miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life. -
3:53 - 3:55Or would I be an aunt?
-
3:55 - 3:58Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures, -
3:58 - 4:03and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment, -
4:03 - 4:05and by doing that,
-
4:05 - 4:08walk out with the shame that comes up
from not standing up for myself, -
4:08 - 4:11especially in front of my niece.
-
4:11 - 4:12Who was I?
-
4:12 - 4:17Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it? -
4:17 - 4:20Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?
-
4:20 - 4:23And I had a split second to decide.
-
4:24 - 4:26We are taught right now
-
4:26 - 4:30that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity. -
4:30 - 4:34It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong, -
4:36 - 4:40there is no middle,
there is no gray; just polarity. -
4:41 - 4:42Polarity is a state
-
4:42 - 4:45in which two ideas or opinions
are completely opposite from each other; -
4:45 - 4:48a diametrical opposition.
-
4:48 - 4:51Which side are you on?
-
4:51 - 4:55Are you unequivocally and without question
anti war, pro-choice, anti death penalty, -
4:55 - 4:58pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders, and pro-union? -
4:59 - 5:00Or are you,
-
5:00 - 5:06absolutely and uncompromisingly
pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty, -
5:06 - 5:08a believer that the Second Amendment
is absolute, -
5:08 - 5:10anti immigrant and pro-business?
-
5:10 - 5:13It's all or none, you're with us
or against us. -
5:13 - 5:14That is polarity.
-
5:14 - 5:18The problem with polarity and absolutes
-
5:19 - 5:24is that it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience -
5:25 - 5:29and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature. -
5:30 - 5:32But if we are pulled
in these two directions, -
5:32 - 5:36but it's not really where we exist,
- polarity is not our actual reality - -
5:36 - 5:37where do we go from there?
-
5:37 - 5:40What's at the other end of that spectrum?
-
5:40 - 5:44And I don't think
it's an unattainable harmonious utopia, -
5:44 - 5:48I think the opposite
of polarity is duality. -
5:48 - 5:51Duality is a state of having two parts,
-
5:51 - 5:54but not in diametrical opposition:
-
5:54 - 5:57in simultaneous existence.
-
5:57 - 5:59Don't think it's possible?
-
5:59 - 6:00Here are the people I know:
-
6:00 - 6:04I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs, -
6:04 - 6:05and veterans who are anti-war,
-
6:05 - 6:08and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married. -
6:08 - 6:11Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family, -
6:11 - 6:14that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me. -
6:14 - 6:16(Applause)
-
6:23 - 6:27Duality is the ability
to hold both things, -
6:28 - 6:31but the question is:
Can we own our duality? -
6:32 - 6:36Can we have the courage
to hold both things? -
6:37 - 6:39I work at a restaurant in town,
-
6:39 - 6:41I became really good friends
with the busser. -
6:41 - 6:46I was a server and we had a relationship,
we had a really great time together. -
6:46 - 6:49Her Spanish was great
-
6:50 - 6:51because she was from Mexico.
-
6:51 - 6:53(Laughter)
-
6:53 - 6:56That line actually went the other way.
-
6:56 - 7:00Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish. -
7:02 - 7:06But we were united by our similarities,
-
7:06 - 7:09not separated by our differences.
-
7:09 - 7:12And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds. -
7:12 - 7:15She was from Mexico,
she left her family behind -
7:15 - 7:19so she could come here
and afford them a better life back home. -
7:19 - 7:23She was a devout conservative catholic,
a believer in traditional family values, -
7:24 - 7:26stereotypical roles of men and women,
-
7:26 - 7:28and I was, well, me.
-
7:29 - 7:31(Laughter)
-
7:31 - 7:34But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend, -
7:34 - 7:38or she shared pictures
that she had from her family back home. -
7:38 - 7:40Those were the things
that brought us together. -
7:40 - 7:42So one day, we were in the back,
-
7:42 - 7:46scarfing down food as quick as we could,
gathered around a small table, -
7:46 - 7:47during a very rare lull,
-
7:47 - 7:51and a new guy from the kitchen came over
- who happened to be her cousin - -
7:51 - 7:54and sat down
with all the bravado and machismo -
7:54 - 7:56that his 21-year-old body could hold
-
7:56 - 7:58(Laughter)
-
7:58 - 8:02and said to her,
(Spanish) "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" -
8:04 - 8:07And she said,
(Spanish) "No, she has a girlfriend." -
8:09 - 8:12And he said,
(Spanish) "A girlfriend??" -
8:13 - 8:16And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him, -
8:16 - 8:21and said: (Spanish) "Yes,
a girlfriend, and that is all." -
8:21 - 8:26And his smugged smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect, -
8:26 - 8:29grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work. -
8:29 - 8:31She never made eye contact with me.
-
8:32 - 8:33She left, did the same thing
-
8:33 - 8:37- it was a 10 second conversation,
such a short interaction. -
8:37 - 8:39And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him: -
8:39 - 8:44language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here, -
8:44 - 8:48but her moral compass trumped all of that.
-
8:48 - 8:52And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen, in Spanish, -
8:52 - 8:54that had nothing to do with me,
-
8:54 - 8:56and that is duality.
-
8:56 - 8:59She didn't have to choose
some PC stands -
8:59 - 9:01on gayness over her heritage,
-
9:01 - 9:04she didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship. -
9:04 - 9:06It wasn't Jesus or Ash.
-
9:06 - 9:08(Laughter)
-
9:11 - 9:12(Applause)
-
9:17 - 9:21Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted -
9:22 - 9:25that she had the courage
to hold both things. -
9:25 - 9:28Our moral integrity is our responsibility
-
9:28 - 9:32and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient. -
9:33 - 9:36That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally, -
9:36 - 9:38you have to be an active ally:
-
9:38 - 9:42ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate; -
9:42 - 9:44actually engage.
-
9:44 - 9:48I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend 'my lover.' -
9:51 - 9:53Really? Lover?
-
9:53 - 9:55So overly sexual,
-
9:55 - 9:57so '70s gay porn.
-
9:57 - 9:59(Laughter)
-
10:01 - 10:04But she was trying, and she asked.
-
10:04 - 10:06She could have called her my friend,
-
10:06 - 10:09or my 'friend,' or my 'special friend'
-
10:10 - 10:11(Laughter)
-
10:11 - 10:14or even worse, just not ask at all.
-
10:14 - 10:18Believe me, we would rather have you ask,
-
10:18 - 10:22I would rather have her say 'lover,'
than say nothing at all. -
10:23 - 10:26People often say to me:
"Well, Ash I don't care, -
10:26 - 10:29I don't see race,
or religion, or sexuality. -
10:30 - 10:32It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
-
10:34 - 10:39But I think the opposite of homophobia,
and racism, and xenophobia is not love, -
10:39 - 10:41it's apathy.
-
10:41 - 10:44If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me. -
10:45 - 10:48If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with, -
10:48 - 10:50then you cannot imagine what it feels like
-
10:50 - 10:53when I walk down the street,
late at night, holding her hand, -
10:53 - 10:56and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision -
10:56 - 10:58if I should hang on to it,
or I should I drop it -
10:58 - 11:00when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter. -
11:00 - 11:03And the small victory I feel
-
11:03 - 11:06when I make it by,
and don't have to let go. -
11:06 - 11:11And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it. -
11:11 - 11:13If you do not see that struggle
-
11:13 - 11:19that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me. -
11:19 - 11:24If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me. -
11:25 - 11:30As individuals, as allies, as humans,
we need to be able to hold both things, -
11:31 - 11:35both the good and the bad,
the easy and the hard, -
11:35 - 11:39you don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff, -
11:39 - 11:42you learn it from the grit.
-
11:42 - 11:45And what if duality
is just the first step? -
11:46 - 11:51What if through compassion,
and empathy, and human interaction -
11:51 - 11:54we are able to learn to hold two things?
-
11:54 - 11:56And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four, -
11:56 - 11:58and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight, -
11:58 - 12:00and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds. -
12:00 - 12:04We are complex individuals,
swirls of contradiction. -
12:04 - 12:08You are all holding
so many things right now! -
12:08 - 12:11What can you do to hold just a few more?
-
12:12 - 12:16So, back to Toledo, Ohio,
I'm at the front of the line, -
12:16 - 12:20niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me dad. -
12:21 - 12:25Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender? -
12:25 - 12:27Not even that.
-
12:27 - 12:31Have you ever been called
something you are not? -
12:34 - 12:36Here's what it feels like for me:
-
12:36 - 12:40I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions. -
12:40 - 12:45I break out onto a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation, -
12:46 - 12:49I feel like the entire store
is staring at me, -
12:49 - 12:51and I simultaneously feel invisible.
-
12:51 - 12:54I want to explode in a tirade of fury,
-
12:54 - 12:57and I want to crawl under a rock.
-
12:57 - 13:00And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing -
13:00 - 13:04an out-of-characteristic,
tight-fitting, purple T-shirt, -
13:04 - 13:06so this whole store can see my boobs,
-
13:06 - 13:08to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen. -
13:08 - 13:12(Laughter)
-
13:12 - 13:15But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am, -
13:15 - 13:17it still happens.
-
13:17 - 13:21And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one here heard: -
13:21 - 13:26not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece. -
13:27 - 13:29I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,
-
13:29 - 13:33but I would do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it. -
13:34 - 13:36But then I take my niece off my shoulders,
-
13:36 - 13:39and she runs to Elsa and Anna
-
13:39 - 13:41- the thing she's been
waiting so long for - -
13:41 - 13:46and all that stuff goes away;
all that matters is the smile on her face. -
13:47 - 13:52And as the 30 seconds, we waited
two-and-a-half hours for, comes to a close -
13:53 - 13:57we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again; -
13:58 - 14:01and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths, -
14:01 - 14:03I am so sorry!
-
14:03 - 14:05(Laughter)
-
14:05 - 14:11And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately, -
14:11 - 14:16then I give her a: "It's OK, it happens.
But thanks!" -
14:16 - 14:19And I realize in that moment
-
14:19 - 14:21that I don't have to be
-
14:21 - 14:25either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both. -
14:27 - 14:32I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things. -
14:32 - 14:35And if I can hold two things
in that environment, -
14:35 - 14:38I can hold so many more things.
-
14:38 - 14:41As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out at the front of the door, -
14:41 - 14:44I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?" -
14:44 - 14:46And she said: "Are you kidding me?
-
14:46 - 14:50'Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!" -
14:50 - 14:51(Laughter)
-
14:51 - 14:54It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat, -
14:54 - 14:58it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of -
14:58 - 15:00(Laughter)
-
15:00 - 15:04it was even worth you getting called dad
-
15:04 - 15:05(Laughter)
-
15:07 - 15:12and for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was. -
15:13 - 15:15Thank you Boulder, have a good night.
-
15:15 - 15:17(Applause) (Cheers)
- Title:
- Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
Ash talks about having the ability to hold two strong beliefs, simultaneously, while still being true to oneself.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:37
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ approved English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder |