Owning your duality | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Ash talks about having the ability to hold two strong beliefs, simultaneously, while still being true to oneself.

This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding,

and when I was there,

there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

Not the Anna and Elsa from Frozen
as this was not a Disney sanctioned event,

these two entrepreneurs had a business
of running princess parties.

Your kid is turning five?

They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.

And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity

that was the phenomenon that was Frozen,

so get hired by a local toy store,

kids come in on a Saturday morning

buy some Disney swag,
get the picture taken with the princesses,

call it a day.

It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions.

(Laughter)

And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it.

She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books

as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one 'n' to avoid copyright lawsuits

(Laughter)

according to my niece and the 200 plus
kids in the parking lot that day,

this was the Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

So, let me paint the picture:

it is a blazing hot Saturday morning,
in August, in Ohio.

We get there at ten o'clock,
the scheduled start time,

and we are handed number 59.

By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25;

this was going to be a while,

and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos

that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store.

(Laughter)

So, by 12.30 we get called,

"56 to 63, please."

And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you

as saying it looked like Norway throw-up.

(Laughter)

There were cardboard
cut-out-snowflakes covering the floor,

glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls.

And as we stood in line

in an attempt to give my niece
a better vantage point

than the backside
of the mother of number 58,

I put her up on my shoulders,

and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.

And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew,

and as we finally got
to the front of the line,

and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses

I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.

And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too.

(Laughter)

I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.

(Laughter)

So we get to the front of the line,

and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says:

"Hi honey, you're next!

Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay

on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'

(Laughter)

And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen!

(Laughter)

It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question,

Who am I?

Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?

Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation,

and there one was, right in front of me.

At the same time,

there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life

so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in,

torn between two things,
two impossible choices:

Would I be an advocate?

Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her

that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father,

and that she should be more careful

and not jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides

(Laughter)

and while doing that,

miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life.

Or would I be an aunt?

Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures,

and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment,

and by doing that,

walk out with the shame that comes up
from not standing up for myself,

especially in front of my niece.

Who was I?

Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it?

Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?

And I had a split second to decide.

We are taught right now

that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity.

It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong,

there is no middle,
there is no gray; just polarity.

Polarity is a state

in which two ideas or opinions
are completely opposite from each other;

a diametrical opposition.

Which side are you on?

Are you unequivocally and without question
anti war, pro-choice, anti death penalty,

pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders, and pro-union?

Or are you,

absolutely and uncompromisingly
pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,

a believer that the Second Amendment
is absolute,

anti immigrant and pro-business?

It's all or none, you're with us
or against us.

That is polarity.

The problem with polarity and absolutes

is that it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience

and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.

But if we are pulled
in these two directions,

but it's not really where we exist,
- polarity is not our actual reality -

where do we go from there?

What's at the other end of that spectrum?

And I don't think
it's an unattainable harmonious utopia,

I think the opposite
of polarity is duality.

Duality is a state of having two parts,

but not in diametrical opposition:

in simultaneous existence.

Don't think it's possible?

Here are the people I know:

I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs,

and veterans who are anti-war,

and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married.

Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family,

that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me.

(Applause)

Duality is the ability
to hold both things,

but the question is:
Can we own our duality?

Can we have the courage
to hold both things?

I work at a restaurant in town,

I became really good friends
with the busser.

I was a server and we had a relationship,
we had a really great time together.

Her Spanish was great

because she was from Mexico.

(Laughter)

That line actually went the other way.

Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish.

But we were united by our similarities,

not separated by our differences.

And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds.

She was from Mexico,
she left her family behind

so she could come here
and afford them a better life back home.

She was a devout conservative catholic,
a believer in traditional family values,

stereotypical roles of men and women,

and I was, well, me.

(Laughter)

But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend,

or she shared pictures
that she had from her family back home.

Those were the things
that brought us together.

So one day, we were in the back,

scarfing down food as quick as we could,
gathered around a small table,

during a very rare lull,

and a new guy from the kitchen came over
- who happened to be her cousin -

and sat down
with all the bravado and machismo

that his 21-year-old body could hold

(Laughter)

and said to her,
(Spanish) "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"

And she said,
(Spanish) "No, she has a girlfriend."

And he said,
(Spanish) "A girlfriend??"

And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him,

and said: (Spanish) "Yes,
a girlfriend, and that is all."

And his smugged smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect,

grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work.

She never made eye contact with me.

She left, did the same thing

- it was a 10 second conversation,
such a short interaction.

And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him:

language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here,

but her moral compass trumped all of that.

And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen, in Spanish,

that had nothing to do with me,

and that is duality.

She didn't have to choose
some PC stands

on gayness over her heritage,

she didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship.

It wasn't Jesus or Ash.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted

that she had the courage
to hold both things.

Our moral integrity is our responsibility

and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient.

That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,

you have to be an active ally:

ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate;

actually engage.

I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend 'my lover.'

Really? Lover?

So overly sexual,

so '70s gay porn.

(Laughter)

But she was trying, and she asked.

She could have called her my friend,

or my 'friend,' or my 'special friend'

(Laughter)

or even worse, just not ask at all.

Believe me, we would rather have you ask,

I would rather have her say 'lover,'
than say nothing at all.

People often say to me:
"Well, Ash I don't care,

I don't see race,
or religion, or sexuality.

It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."

But I think the opposite of homophobia,
and racism, and xenophobia is not love,

it's apathy.

If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me.

If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with,

then you cannot imagine what it feels like

when I walk down the street,
late at night, holding her hand,

and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision

if I should hang on to it,
or I should I drop it

when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter.

And the small victory I feel

when I make it by,
and don't have to let go.

And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.

If you do not see that struggle

that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me.

If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me.

As individuals, as allies, as humans,
we need to be able to hold both things,

both the good and the bad,
the easy and the hard,

you don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff,

you learn it from the grit.

And what if duality
is just the first step?

What if through compassion,
and empathy, and human interaction

we are able to learn to hold two things?

And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four,

and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight,

and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds.

We are complex individuals,
swirls of contradiction.

You are all holding
so many things right now!

What can you do to hold just a few more?

So, back to Toledo, Ohio,
I'm at the front of the line,

niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me dad.

Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender?

Not even that.

Have you ever been called
something you are not?

Here's what it feels like for me:

I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions.

I break out onto a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation,

I feel like the entire store
is staring at me,

and I simultaneously feel invisible.

I want to explode in a tirade of fury,

and I want to crawl under a rock.

And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing

an out-of-characteristic,
tight-fitting, purple T-shirt,

so this whole store can see my boobs,

to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen.

(Laughter)

But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am,

it still happens.

And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one here heard:

not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece.

I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,

but I would do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it.

But then I take my niece off my shoulders,

and she runs to Elsa and Anna

- the thing she's been
waiting so long for -

and all that stuff goes away;
all that matters is the smile on her face.

And as the 30 seconds, we waited
two-and-a-half hours for, comes to a close

we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;

and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths,

I am so sorry!

(Laughter)

And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately,

then I give her a: "It's OK, it happens.
But thanks!"

And I realize in that moment

that I don't have to be

either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both.

I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things.

And if I can hold two things
in that environment,

I can hold so many more things.

As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out at the front of the door,

I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?"

And she said: "Are you kidding me?

'Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!"

(Laughter)

It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat,

it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of

(Laughter)

it was even worth you getting called dad

(Laughter)

and for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was.

Thank you Boulder, have a good night.

(Applause) (Cheers)