Happiness as a result of flowing in the unknown | Steffi Lopez Gonzalez | TEDxCentennialCollege

We tend to be afraid and scared when we encounter the uncertain, yet we never realize that we could actually enjoy the process. The unknown could provide us with an unexpected twist and happiness.

Steffi is a certified NLP Life Coach, yoga teacher and speaker. She graduated cum laude from San Pablo CEU Madrid University with a degree in Communications Science. With over 10 years of experience in the international Media Business as a TV host and editor in The Netherlands, Spain and South America. It was in 2010 that the shift occurred. She did the life coaching education in Miami, USA and started Your Life Your Playground.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Hi, everybody, and welcome.
Thank you for coming.

So today, I'm going to talk
about uncertainty.

We have that question:
What is uncertainty?

Well, to make it simple,
if certainty is something we know,

uncertainty is something we don't know.

Uncertainty is an intrinsic characteristic
of our human existence.

It has always been there.

It is timeless and it is changeless.

We can't fight it.

However, our mind
doesn't really like uncertainty.

When the mind is confronted
with the unknown,

it can get scared and anxious,

and a phenomena that can occur
is what I call the monkey mind.

So here on this slide,
you can see a few monkeys -

you can pick the favorite one,
the one you like the most -

and these monkeys resemble
what we call the monkey mind.

So, when the monkey mind is activated,

we're going to go into thinking

from one potential
negative scenario to the next,

in fear about what can go wrong.

The nature of the mind is to think.

It's normal to think. That is neutral.

The problem comes when we get
in that endless trap in our mind,

in a negative mind set.

So, the way we operate,
the way we use our mind

is going to affect our happiness.

Now the difference
between our ancestors and us

is that now we have access
to a lot of information:

we can go to the internet
at any time, anywhere;

we have books; we have movies;

we have access to scientific discoveries.

They didn't do that,
they didn't have that.

And this has been great.

It has allowed us to do amazing things,

but it's a lot of food for the brain.

So when we get in fear and we don't know
what's going to happen in the unknown,

we can use all that information,

and we get worried and pondering
and wandering in our minds.

So, uncertainty in itself
doesn't create or destroy happiness,

but the way we navigate the world,

the way we navigate
an uncertain, an unknown world,

is going to define the way we feel,
how happy we feel.

Here I have another slide.

In this slide, I want
to show you something.

So, when the unknown -

like, the mind is confronted
with the unknown,

we talk about that monkey mind, right?

So, if we are in that monkey mind,

we produce negative thoughts.

Those thoughts are going to be reflected
in here, in the part that I call mind.

And then we have the other part,
that I call heart/feelings.

These two are connected;

they're constantly talking to each other

in a conversation
that goes really, really fast.

When we think a negative thought,

a signal will be sent to our heart

and a feeling of preoccupation
or worry will kick in - or fear.

Then a signal will be
sent back to the mind,

producing another thought

that will be most likely
even more negative than the previous one,

sending a signal to the heart

and letting us feel even more sad,
or more preoccupied,

or more concerned.

And that goes on and on.

And if we do that,

we're going to feel, obviously,
like the right icon,

sad, yeah? or worried -

we are in that monkey mind.

When that happens,

our energy goes down,

we don't feel like doing things,

our immune system also goes low,

we can get sick, we can create sickness,

and we are taking away joy
from the present moment

because we are here with our body,

but in our mind, we are somewhere else -

we are pondering, we are wondering
about something else.

Also, we are affecting other people.

Even though they cannot
read our mind or how we feel,

they're going to feel our energy.

That is important.

However, these conversations
can be totally different,

and instead of a negative one,
it can be a positive one.

So, when we face the unknown
with an open heart and with an open mind,

we start producing positive thoughts.

And for every positive thought,

we're sending a signal to the heart,

letting us feel motivated, enthusiastic.

We feel like doing things.

And from the heart,
we send another signal to the mind

that will most likely create
another positive thought,

sending a signal to the heart
and letting us feel even better.

So that conversation is a good one,
letting us feel good,

that where the state of being improves.

When that happens,

our immune system is up,
we don't get sick,

and we are fully engaging
with the things we are doing right now.

So if you are camping and playing tennis,

you are there, you are not
worrying about something else.

And you're also passing on the energy,
the positive energy that you have,

with others.

Now, how do we go
from a monkey-mind negative talk

to a positive one?

How do we go from the first to the second?

Something that has helped me
is yoga, meditation and mindfulness.

I don't have time today
to talk about these techniques

because we only have 18 minutes,

but have you ever heard
about meditation, mindfulness?

Yeah?

So, I want you to do
an experiment right now.

Step back and see your thinking.

Are you aware of what
you're thinking right now ?

Maybe you're thinking
about what I'm saying,

or you're thinking about dinner,

but there is an awareness
that is the watcher

and that is aware
of what you're thinking, right?

So that's the important thing.

Mindfulness and meditation
are based on that.

You become a watcher

so you are not anymore
living what you're thinking,

the stories you're telling yourself
and what you are feeling.

All of a sudden, you are detached,

and you gain control of your mind.

You find a space of calmness and peace,

where you can actually choose
what you want to be thinking.

You start choosing
to generate positive thoughts,

empowering affirmations
that allow you to do the things you love.

When you are in that mind frame,

you are able to get out there
and manifest your passions,

do what you love.

You choose, and you can be
in that mindset.

Something I wanted
to talk to you about today

is what we call the comfort zone.

I think we all heard
about the comfort zone.

It's comfortable,

the words says that it's comfortable,

but that doesn't mean
that it's good for us.

We stay in what we know,
in our habits, because it's comfortable.

We may want to do things
in a different way or try something new,

but we stop ourselves
because of the monkey mind,

because we're listening
to that negative chattering.

I'll give you a few examples.

We may stay in relationships
that are not good for us,

because it's comfortable,
maybe we're afraid of being alone,

or we don't know if we
are going to find a new partner.

We stay in our hometown,

not just because we love our hometown,

but it's because you don't know
if you can manage in another country;

they speak a different language.

It's completely different.
You're scared.

So we keep ourselves in situations,
or we don't try something new,

because we're afraid.

The other day, I went for lunch
with a friend of mine.

She's a lovely girl,

and she's working for a very
well-known international brand,

but she's not enjoying her job anymore.

So she started this online course
in natural cosmetics.

She's doing something
that she really loves,

and she wants to start her own business,

her own brand.

But soon after, she expressed her doubt.

She's not sure if the logo
is good enough.

She doesn't know
if the company name is good,

if the product is going
to be competitive

or if she's going to be
making enough money.

Those are all reasonable
question marks and valid doubts,

but I wonder how much time
it's going to take her

to do what she loves.

How long is it going to take her
to start manifesting her passion?

And this is not the first time
I've heard this story.

Friends, students and clients

in other countries,
from other backgrounds,

find themselves in similar situations.

They feel something inside.

They really want to do something
with what they love,

but they stop themselves
because of self-doubt,

because of what
is going to happen next,

and what if I cannot manage?

I have also been in that situation,

and something that really helped me

and that still helps me today

is "We have one life."

I mean, if you're religious,
if you're Buddhist,

maybe we will be reincarnated
into another body.

But in this body, like I am right now,

I have one life.

"Steffi, one life."
That's what I tell myself.

I don't know if I'm going to last
20 years, 30 years or 60 -

if I keep being healthy, hopefully.

Yeah?

But I want to make the most out of this.

I really don't want to have regrets.

Because we all deserve
to have a full life,

where we can manifest our passions,
where we do what we love.

Six years ago, I used to live
in the Netherlands,

in that rainy country, in Holland.

I love Holland, though.

I lived in Amsterdam and I worked
as a producer in an advertising agency

and I used to work part time
as a spinning instructor

and I also did life coaching.

My life was busy and hectic,

and from the outside,

you could even say it was rich and great.

But something was lacking inside.

I was lacking meaning.

I knew that my heart's calling
was in teaching, in coaching,

in making a difference in peoples lives;

however, I was spending
a lot of time in the office,

working behind the computer
and talking to clients,

doing things that were
not meaningful to me.

Also, I was afraid of traveling on my own.

I mean, I traveled the world,
but not on my own,

and that's because - one of the reasons -
is because I'm afraid of flying.

Yes, I'm still afraid of flying.

I get sweaty hands,

and I get pretty shaky and very nervous

when I'm up there
and the plane is turbulent.

So I end up maybe calling the stewardess

or even holding the hand
of the passenger next to me.

And I really mean it.

At that point in my life,
I really wanted to travel,

but that was in my head,
and it was stopping me.

At one moment, I decided to put a dot.

I quit my job, and I thought,
"I'm going to do this.

I'm going to leave this job

that I'm not enjoying,
that is not fulfilling,

and I'm going to go travelling."

I stepped on a plane,
I rented my house in Holland,

and I went to India.

I did a yoga teaching training in India,

and after that,

I went to South East Asia and Australia,

travelling for about eight months.

It was amazing.

I met beautiful people,

I saw wonderful places,
and I learned a lot.

It was good that I didn't plan
anything in my return

because I didn't really
want to go back to Holland.

I love Amsterdam,
but it's rainy and it's grey,

and that really doesn't fit me.

I want to wear my flip flops
and my dresses.

So, I thought I'm going to live in Bali
and I'm going to teach yoga,

and that's what I did.

But, of course, life is uncertain.

So one day, I got a text message
from my tenants in the Netherlands,

saying that they
didn't want to pay the rent,

that it was too high.

I didn't quite understand,
because I was not making profit -

they knew that -

I was just covering my mortgage.

I was confused, so I called them back,

but they never picked up the phone.

I called a few friends,

and I ended up talking to a lawyer,
a friend that is a lawyer,

to find out that I was
actually in trouble

and that in order to get my house back,

I had to go back to the Netherlands.

So I put everything on hold,
I left everything in Bali,

and I flew back to Holland.

I stepped on that plane again - yes!

Then as soon as I landed,

I went straight to my house
and I rang the bell.

But nobody opened the door.

I rang a few times but nobody opened,

so I decided to take the keys
and open the door myself.

But the locks were changed.

So I panicked.

My monkey mind went crazy.

I totally lost it.

And I went, not only one day later,
what was going to happen in the future.

It was a drama.

I didn't have a job.

I didn't have a house,

and I didn't have much money
in my savings account.

The weeks to come were tough.

I stayed at friends and they were tough.

But I was doing a lot of yoga
and meditation at the time.

And one day, I decided to surrender,

to accept what was happening
and embrace it,

to believe that things
were going to be resolved one day.

And things resolved,

things changed, and one day,
I got back my house.

Now, this was a tough experience -
I won't deny it - it was difficult;

however, it taught me insights
that allow me to be where I am today.

And some of these insights
I want to share with you this evening.

The first one is

no matter how much you plan,

that life is going to throw you things,

good and bad.

It's going to surprise you,

and you're never going to be ready for it.

So, it makes little sense
to be in that monkey mind

worrying about all kinds of things
that may not ever happen.

The second is to embrace, to accept

and to surrender
to whatever comes on your path,

to know that you can handle it.

The third one is to believe
in something bigger than yourself,

to have faith.

We can all do our best,

but then you have to let go of the outcome

and believe that things
are going to unfold

the way they're supposed to
for your highest good.

I never thought I would be living
in Hong Kong, in Asia,

making a living out of the things I love.

I also didn't plan to be here
with you this evening,

but life is uncertain
and therefore magical.

When we keep an open heart, an open mind,

and remind ourselves
to keep a positive mindset,

we can face anything,

and life can bring
amazing, amazing things.

At the end of the day,

the most important thing is to have a life
with meaning, with purpose,

whatever that is.

Maybe it's to become a good dad,
maybe you want to write a book,

you want to travel the world,

or you want to spend
a lot of time with your family.

Whatever that is,
stay close to that truth.

Do not let fears
and insecurities talk you down.

At the end, real success happens

when you look back at your life
and you don't have regrets;

you know you have done your best.

We all feel the fear -
you and you, you and me -

but we need to move beyond it.

We need to move beyond it.

And by following our passions,
our dreams and what we love,

we can inspire others to do the same

so that together we break through fear

and we create a happier world.

Thank you.

(Applause)