A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty
-
0:19 - 0:24Sometimes, the best way to overcome
a limit is to reach beyond it, -
0:24 - 0:29to grab hold of that reality
and draw it back into the present moment, -
0:29 - 0:31try it on,
-
0:31 - 0:33see how it fits.
-
0:33 - 0:35That’s what San Francisco mayor
Gavin Newsom did -
0:35 - 0:37on Valentine’s Day, 2004,
-
0:37 - 0:40when, without any particular legal basis,
-
0:40 - 0:44he announced that San Francisco
would begin issuing marriage licenses -
0:44 - 0:45to same-sex couples.
-
0:45 - 0:49It was a grand gesture,
symbolic and photogenic. -
0:49 - 0:53Now, I had always been
mixed-emotioned about marriage. -
0:53 - 0:57Not having access to it
made it easy to be judgy about it, -
0:57 - 0:59“It’s old-fashioned. It’s sexist!”
-
1:00 - 1:03My partner Oren and I
were on the same page about this. -
1:03 - 1:06We had registered as domestic partners
-
1:06 - 1:09for its slim bundle
of coldly described rights, -
1:10 - 1:12but we had never had a ceremony.
-
1:12 - 1:14That was too marriage-like,
-
1:14 - 1:17and we did not want
to mimic an institution -
1:17 - 1:19that did not want to have us.
-
1:21 - 1:23But the television coverage
was compelling. -
1:23 - 1:25(Laughter)
-
1:27 - 1:29And so were our friends -
-
1:29 - 1:31I mean, not compelling exactly -
-
1:31 - 1:33desperate!
-
1:33 - 1:37After two weeks of watching
same-sex octogenarian couples -
1:37 - 1:39standing in line in the rain,
-
1:39 - 1:42eating damp wedding cakes
sent by out-of-state well-wishers - -
1:42 - 1:45a spectacle of love
-
1:45 - 1:48that did more to change
public attitudes about gay people -
1:48 - 1:54than any campaign, litigation, legislation
or protest in American history - -
1:54 - 1:56our friends couldn’t stand it
one minute longer. -
1:56 - 1:59“You have to get married!
It’s a historic moment!” they said, -
2:00 - 2:03meaning, “I have to go to a gay wedding!
It’s a historic moment.” -
2:03 - 2:05(Laughter)
-
2:08 - 2:12Slowly, our resistance
gave way to the romance of it. -
2:12 - 2:14We decided to do it.
-
2:15 - 2:17I drove down to San Francisco City Hall.
-
2:17 - 2:19By this time, there were
no more lines around the block; -
2:19 - 2:23instead, there was
a computerized appointment system. -
2:23 - 2:24I took a deep breath
-
2:25 - 2:28and walked into the county clerk’s office.
-
2:29 - 2:32“I’d like a spot
on the wedding docket, please.” -
2:33 - 2:35“Sorry, we’re all booked up.”
-
2:36 - 2:37“All booked up?”
-
2:37 - 2:39“Yep! Next six weeks, booked solid.”
-
2:40 - 2:41“Hmm ...
-
2:41 - 2:43What about beyond that?”
-
2:43 - 2:44“Oh, wide open!”
-
2:45 - 2:47“Well, great! I’ll take
one of those appointments.” -
2:48 - 2:51“Sorry, we can only make appointments
six weeks in advance.” -
2:51 - 2:53(Laughter)
-
2:55 - 2:57“So I have to come here every day
-
2:57 - 3:00to try to get an appointment
six weeks out?” -
3:01 - 3:02“Uh-huh.”
-
3:02 - 3:03(Laughter)
-
3:03 - 3:06“Can I do this by phone or online?”
-
3:07 - 3:08“Sorry.”
-
3:09 - 3:12I gave up; clearly,
the marrying life was not for me. -
3:12 - 3:13(Laughter)
-
3:13 - 3:17I trudged a couple of blocks
to a restaurant called Ananda Fuara -
3:17 - 3:21to drown my sorrows
in garlic-free vegetarian food. -
3:21 - 3:24When I walked in, I saw
my lawyer friend Jeff with his boyfriend. -
3:25 - 3:28I told them how I’d been bested
by the bureaucracy, -
3:28 - 3:31then I sat down to order my lentil loaf.
-
3:32 - 3:35As I was raking up the last dry crumbs,
-
3:35 - 3:37(Laughter)
-
3:37 - 3:39Jeff appeared at the table.
-
3:39 - 3:41“Listen,” he said,
-
3:41 - 3:44“We have a wedding
appointment for March 11, -
3:44 - 3:47but the law is so up in the air.
-
3:47 - 3:49We’ve decided not to use it.
-
3:49 - 3:51We’d like you to have it.”
-
3:54 - 3:55“Did they mean it?”
-
3:55 - 3:57I didn’t want them giving up
their shot at a wedding -
3:57 - 4:00just to do a good turn for me.
-
4:00 - 4:02On the other hand,
maybe they weren’t ready to commit. -
4:02 - 4:05Maybe they had good reason for cold feet,
-
4:05 - 4:07and I was giving them
an honorable way out. -
4:09 - 4:11“Thank you.
-
4:11 - 4:12Yes.
-
4:12 - 4:13Thank you.”
-
4:14 - 4:15And we were off.
-
4:15 - 4:18We had less than two weeks
to pull this thing together. -
4:18 - 4:20It was impossible to get
Oren’s parents over from Israel, -
4:20 - 4:22or my sister from Japan.
-
4:22 - 4:24But my mother bought a plane ticket.
-
4:24 - 4:27We asked county supervisor
and former stand-up comedy Tom Ammiano -
4:27 - 4:29to officiate.
-
4:29 - 4:31We told our friends to cancel their plans.
-
4:31 - 4:35We organized hummus and cake
for our celebration afterwards. -
4:35 - 4:37We bought shirts.
-
4:37 - 4:38(Laughter)
-
4:39 - 4:41The day arrived.
-
4:41 - 4:45Breathless, we showed up at City Hall
and met up with our entourage. -
4:45 - 4:48Jeff was there too in order to verify
-
4:48 - 4:50that he was relinquishing
his appointment to us. -
4:51 - 4:54He and Oren and I took a deep breath,
-
4:56 - 4:58and walked into the county clerk’s office.
-
5:00 - 5:02"We are here to get married."
-
5:03 - 5:05"You have an appointment?"
-
5:06 - 5:08“I have an appointment,” said Jeff.
-
5:09 - 5:10“And I’m giving it to them.”
-
5:11 - 5:13“I’m giving it to them.”
-
5:16 - 5:19“I’m sorry, wedding appointments
are not transferable.” -
5:19 - 5:21(Laughter)
-
5:21 - 5:23"But that makes no sense.
There’s no fraud here. -
5:23 - 5:25He’s standing right here,
saying it’s okay, -
5:25 - 5:28and you already allotted
the time for his wedding!” -
5:28 - 5:31"Yeah, not transferable.”
-
5:31 - 5:32“No, but you don’t understand.
-
5:32 - 5:34My mother flew here from Chicago,
-
5:34 - 5:36Tom Ammiano is waiting in the rotunda.
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5:36 - 5:38I have 31 people in the hall,
-
5:38 - 5:39and flowers!”
-
5:39 - 5:41I added flowers, pathetically,
-
5:41 - 5:44as if somehow flowers
would tip the balance. -
5:44 - 5:45(Laughter)
-
5:47 - 5:49“Not transferable ...”
-
5:51 - 5:53“What’s going on here?”
-
5:53 - 5:58It was Nancy Alfaro, the duly appointed
San Francisco county clerk. -
5:59 - 6:01“They don’t have an appointment.”
-
6:01 - 6:04I repeated my whole litany,
including the flowers. -
6:05 - 6:07“Go stand over there,” she said,
-
6:07 - 6:08pointing to a spot in the office
-
6:08 - 6:13that we quickly came to understand
as the “problem couple pen.” -
6:13 - 6:14(Laughter)
-
6:15 - 6:16We were not alone there.
-
6:16 - 6:18There was another "problem couple,"
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6:18 - 6:20Nicole and Amita,
-
6:20 - 6:22two young African American lesbians,
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6:22 - 6:23both deaf,
-
6:23 - 6:26who had driven up
from Riverside to get married. -
6:26 - 6:28They had an appointment,
-
6:28 - 6:31but they had not told City Hall
they would need an interpreter. -
6:31 - 6:33Hence, consignment to the pen.
-
6:34 - 6:39We smiled at each other
and exchanged rudimentary pleasantries. -
6:39 - 6:41I should tell you
that as an undergraduate, -
6:41 - 6:45I had taken a semester
of American Sign Language. -
6:45 - 6:49And in the intervening quarter century,
I had never had cause to use it. -
6:49 - 6:50(Laughter)
-
6:50 - 6:53But it was important to me
to stay in practice, -
6:53 - 6:56so I used to sign a little bit
to myself a song on the radio -
6:56 - 6:58or the newscast on TV.
-
7:00 - 7:04And in the process, I had begun
to make up little signs ... -
7:04 - 7:06(Laughter)
-
7:08 - 7:10for words that I didn’t know.
-
7:10 - 7:11(Laughter)
-
7:11 - 7:13I wasn’t signing
with any real deaf people, -
7:13 - 7:15so what was the harm?
-
7:15 - 7:17(Laughter)
-
7:19 - 7:23Except that over time,
I began to lose track … -
7:23 - 7:25(Laughter)
-
7:25 - 7:29of what signs I had learned
and what I had invented. -
7:29 - 7:31And so,
-
7:31 - 7:32when Nancy Alfaro would come over
-
7:32 - 7:35with an update about her search
for an interpreter, -
7:35 - 7:39I would translate this to them
and then study their faces -
7:39 - 7:43to determine if what I had just given them
was information or gibberish. -
7:43 - 7:45(Laughter)
-
7:46 - 7:49“You know how to sign?”
Nancy Alfaro asked. -
7:49 - 7:52“Oh, no. Just a little bit from college.”
-
7:52 - 7:53“Can you sign their wedding?”
-
7:54 - 7:56“Oh, no.”
-
7:56 - 7:58“I need you to sign their wedding.”
-
7:59 - 8:01“No, that would be a terrible mistake.”
-
8:01 - 8:03(Laughter)
-
8:04 - 8:06“Listen to me.
-
8:06 - 8:09I cannot send them home
to Riverside today not married. -
8:09 - 8:11You must do this.”
-
8:12 - 8:13I was about to object again,
-
8:13 - 8:17but the wind was taken out of me
by Oren’s knuckle deep in my ribs. -
8:18 - 8:20“What about our wedding?” he asked.
-
8:22 - 8:26“Your boyfriend signs theirs,
then you can have yours.” -
8:26 - 8:27(Laughter)
-
8:29 - 8:31(Laughter)
-
8:33 - 8:36Before I knew what was happening,
I was whisked to a wedding chapel -
8:36 - 8:39that could have only been designed
by a civil servant. -
8:39 - 8:41(Laughter)
-
8:43 - 8:45Nicole and Amita didn’t bring
any friends with them, -
8:45 - 8:47so my buddy Emily,
-
8:47 - 8:49a lawyer who had long been fighting
the marriage fight, -
8:49 - 8:52stepped up to be their witness
and to take pictures. -
8:52 - 8:57The officiant, some city functionary,
pressed into overtime matrimonial duty, -
8:57 - 8:59opened his script:
-
9:00 - 9:04“We are gathered here
in the presence of these witnesses -
9:04 - 9:08to join in matrimony Nicole and Amita.
-
9:10 - 9:13We are here with ... ” -
-
9:13 - 9:16point to Emily, point to self -
-
9:16 - 9:19“Unite in marriage you and you.”
-
9:19 - 9:21(Laughter)
-
9:30 - 9:34“The contract of marriage is most solemn.”
-
9:36 - 9:39“Marriage is important,”
-
9:39 - 9:41(Laughter)
-
9:42 - 9:45“and is not to be entered into lightly.”
-
9:46 - 9:50“Marriage is very important.”
-
9:50 - 9:52(Laughter)
-
9:53 - 9:54“But seriously and thoughtfully,
-
9:54 - 9:58with the full realization
of its duties and obligations.” -
9:59 - 10:01(Laughter)
-
10:01 - 10:05“Marriage is very, very important.”
-
10:05 - 10:07(Laughter)
-
10:11 - 10:14I spelled half the ceremony on my fingers.
-
10:15 - 10:18I watched frequent
confusion on their faces -
10:18 - 10:22give way to looks of love
and joy between them. -
10:22 - 10:24I was embarrassed
about my ineloquent hands. -
10:24 - 10:28On the other hand, Nicole and Amita
did not need a lecture -
10:28 - 10:31on the significance of marriage.
-
10:31 - 10:34Nobody getting married
in San Francisco that month did. -
10:35 - 10:38They kissed, we hugged them,
-
10:38 - 10:40Emily and I raced up the stairs
to the rotunda balcony -
10:40 - 10:45where we found Tom Ammiano,
with Oren and our gang of people, -
10:45 - 10:46ready to begin.
-
10:47 - 10:51“We are gathered here
in the presence of these witnesses -
10:51 - 10:55to join in matrimony Oren and Erwin,”
-
10:55 - 11:00the same script as I heard downstairs,
that now I knew so well. -
11:00 - 11:02We ran through the canned vows,
-
11:02 - 11:04and then we added words of our own,
-
11:04 - 11:06Hebrew from the Book of Ruth.
-
11:07 - 11:10(Hebrew)
-
11:10 - 11:12“Where you go, I will go.”
-
11:13 - 11:15(Hebrew)
-
11:16 - 11:18“Where you lodge, I will lodge.”
-
11:19 - 11:22(Hebrew)
-
11:22 - 11:26“Your people will be my people;
and your God, my God.” -
11:27 - 11:33(Hebrew)
-
11:33 - 11:36“And where you die, I will die,
-
11:37 - 11:39and there I will be buried.”
-
11:40 - 11:43We kissed, we ran downstairs
to submit our paperwork, -
11:43 - 11:45we waved goodbye to Nicole and Amita,
-
11:45 - 11:49who were two and a half minutes
ahead of us in the wedding assembly line … -
11:49 - 11:50(Laughter)
-
11:50 - 11:52We piled into the car
-
11:52 - 11:55my mother, my cousin,
-
11:58 - 12:00my husband, and I.
-
12:02 - 12:06We turned on the radio
to hear the breaking news bulletin: -
12:07 - 12:10the California Supreme Court
had just halted the weddings. -
12:11 - 12:14We canceled our celebration
and went right to a protest march -
12:14 - 12:16down Market Street.
-
12:16 - 12:19My mother held a sign
that someone handed her, saying: -
12:19 - 12:21“That’s my family.”
-
12:22 - 12:25Oren and I carried sheets
of notebook paper -
12:25 - 12:28on which we’d scribbled “Married Today.”
-
12:29 - 12:33A few months later,
all of the weddings were invalidated. -
12:34 - 12:37But in that time, something had happened.
-
12:37 - 12:40We had reached beyond a limit,
-
12:41 - 12:42a limit of law,
-
12:42 - 12:44a limit of language.
-
12:45 - 12:50We had grabbed that reality
and drawn it back into the present moment -
12:50 - 12:55and tried it on like a wedding tux,
-
12:55 - 12:56or a bridal veil.
-
12:57 - 13:01And we discovered
that we liked how it fits. -
13:02 - 13:04It took another four years
-
13:04 - 13:08before there was a legal window
of opportunity for us to marry again, -
13:08 - 13:09and then another seven years
-
13:09 - 13:12before the US Supreme Court
made it the law of the land -
13:12 - 13:14and we were able to exhale.
-
13:16 - 13:18It always seems strange to me,
-
13:18 - 13:21when people ask us
how long we’ve been married, -
13:21 - 13:23to say, “Nine years,”
-
13:23 - 13:26when we’ve been “us” for 23.
-
13:27 - 13:31But we will be the last generation
with this disparity, -
13:31 - 13:35with marriages that are icing
-
13:35 - 13:39on an already fine and fully baked cake.
-
13:41 - 13:43We are here,
-
13:44 - 13:46united
-
13:46 - 13:47in love.
-
13:48 - 13:49Marriage
-
13:50 - 13:52very, very …
-
13:52 - 13:54(Laughter)
-
13:54 - 13:56(American Sign Language) Important.
-
13:57 - 13:58Thank you.
-
13:58 - 14:00(Applause) (Cheering)
- Title:
- A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty
- Description:
-
Irwin Keller has been the spiritual leader of Congregation Ner Shalom, in Sonoma County, since 2008. His past work included LGBT and HIV advocacy, having authored Chicago’s first LGBT rights law and directing an AIDS legal services organization in San Francisco. He was also a founder and, for 21 years, a writer and performer in The Kinsey Sicks, known as “America’s Favorite Dragapella Beautyshop Quartet.” Irwin’s poignant and humorous sermons and essays, speaking to issues of Judaism, queerness, disillusionment, hope and finding inspiration on the fringe, can be found on his Itzik’s Well blog, at irwinkeller.com.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:20
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Leonardo Silva approved English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Zeddi Lee accepted English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Zeddi Lee edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty | ||
Leonardo Silva edited English subtitles for A love story | Irwin Keller | TEDxSonomaCounty |