Dismantling conflicts by listening | Priel Korenfeld | TEDxUdine

The global challenge of including the other is every day more pressing in our society. It is clearly not enough to live in a hyper-connected world, with freedom of movement and continuous access to information, to ensure social cohesion. The new crises require coordinated responses from all countries and cultures. Our future will depend directly on our ability to consider ourselves as equals, to go beyond stereotypes and prejudices, to see that we are in the same boat. Let's listen to Priel Korenfeld, because that is the message he wants to convey: listening.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

What a day, huh?

How do you like TED? Do you like it?

Good.

I like them too!

In order to explain you
what my feelings are right now,

you have to know that in 2005,
when I found TEDTalks on the web,

I went completely crazy!

there are very few talks
that I didn't watch, from 2005 till now.

So it's a lot of hours.

Some of them were wasted,
others were truly enjoyed,

with many stories.

So first I learned what a TEDTalk is,

then in 2007 I came to Italy,
and learned Italian.

So now I am almost ready
to deliver a TEDTalk in Italian

to discuss something

I care about a lot,

with all of you.

And I want to start
from my arrival in Italy.

Mind you this scene:

Me and my new flatmate,
we open our baggage

and start accommodating
in our new double room,

right in the centre of Udine.

I am from Israel,

he's from Palestine.

In the following three years

we will live with other young people

coming from countries in conflict,

We will share this flat learning

learning a whole lot of things
about one another.

And as many things about ourselves.

He takes out some photos,
and puts it on the drawer;

And then he takes out

the Palestine's National Flag.

Then he turns to me and asks:

"Excuse me, where is your flag?
I don't see it on the wall.

And I don't want to put it
if you don't put yours first"

To this I reply quite awkwardly:

"I didn't take my flag.
I'm not very much into these things.

But it does looks like a good idea,
so I'll look for a solution."

And so I did.

This is actually the room
where we lived together.

(Public): You deserve an applause.

PK: (Laughs)

(Applause)

Thank you.

And this is just the beginning,
I cannot stop it here, right?

See, it seems more and more difficult
to live on this Earth.

This was ten years ago.

And it seems to be even worse now.

Everything seems to be in crisis:

political crisis, economics crisis,
crisis of values, environmental crisis.

Crisis of lovers, of migrants,

Sometimes you don't even have to specify.

You just have to say "the crisis"
as a universal explanation.

Well, in this mess
only one thing is clear to me:

if we want to live better,

get away from this mess together,

then we must learn to live together.

We have to learn to live together.

Everything seems broken, right?

Tonight I want to tell you, instead,
what I learned about about this topic.

Are you in for this?

What would happen if,

rather than being scared,

rather than breaking down everything,

rather than living this momentous changes

with anxiety,

and it's the same anxiety
on both sides...

Those who comes in Italy from faraway

are worried about being excluded,

And those who live in Italy
and see the immigrations,

are afraid of being excluded,

that's the real tragedy.

And our future society
will be more and more multicultural,

multi-religious, multiethnic.

And if we fail to get ready
for this reality,

the consequences will be dramatic,

Everything will really break down.

What will happen, however,
if instead we'll be smart enough

to prepare ourselves, our kids and society

for this new future,

where humankind keeps communicating,

and creating new identities?

Keep evolving, dreaming together,
as we heard earlier?

What future can be envisioned?

Because progress will only go forward,

and we have got to adapt to it.

To let you understand what it means,

We lived in seven in that flat

But then we always told around

That there was another guy with us,
a sort of little monster.

A monster that we friendly named

"Misunderstanding"

Because misunderstandings
were commonplace among us

And they could be small,

like all those cups of tea
that I made in excess,

just because I didn't understand

that this movement of the head,
for Turkish people, means "No"

(Laughter)

It took, I'd say,
two and a half litres of tea

to figure out the problem,

so I asked him:

"Didn't you ask it?" - "No, I did this!"

"That's the point,
did you mean yes or no?"

It might be this kind
of misunderstandings;

but it could be more serious ones as well.

As happened once, that I do remeber well.

After a meeting in a school,

a meeting I was
particularly satisfied about,

my Palestinian friend looks thoughtful,

a bit gloomy.

And I ask,

in order to investigate what happened.

Only to realize, he is not thoughtful:

he is mad, and he's mad at me!

"What did I do?" I ask him,
and he bursts: "Don't you realize?"

With another accent,
but that is a different story.

"Don't you understand?"
As my girlfriend typically says.

.. And.

Oh, my clock fell,
to show the problems of time

And he -

I keep investigating about that meeting,

that went so well in my opinion.

But he didn't agree.

He recalls, at one point of the meeting

I crossed my legs, turning my shoe to him

That day I realized, in the Arab world
this is deemed a harsh offence.

And the most disrespected politicians

are not thrown at eggs,
or tomatoes, but indeed shoes!

Hence, that day I realized
I still had a long way to go

But over time -- and we're
talking about time today,

we learned to know each others.

We learned a lot about our identities,

and identity does matter.

Many times, when we speak about it,
it seems to be something clear:

a rigid, unambiguous object,

much like the ID card, right?

But that is not the case.

Identities help us define people,

Like, this guy is Italian,
this is an immigrant,

This is a muslim,
this is a Jewish, and so on.

And as a consequence,

we label these people
with different attributes,

So:

Italians? Mafiosi!

Jewish? All rich people!

Friulians? (local dialect)
Always working!

Not you though, because you're here:
the ones out there!

Well,

This is dangerous,

Because if I consider
a single dimension of your being,

it's a short step to the conflict.

If I believe in God and you don't,
we will never agree on anything,

right?

No, it is not right!

We know it is not like this, because -
are you more father or son?

Are you more religious or Italian?

More woman or believer?

These things are not mutually exclusive!

Our identities are never flat,
but multidimensional!

Sometimes conflictual, within ourselves,

but always colourful

And so -

if I learn to know

and dedicate time
to know my Palestinian friend,

I figure out that he is a believer,
a Muslim, but in its own way,

I found he's patriotic,

but extremely critical
on his own government.

I found he lives on sugar,

he really dump it down
like there's no tomorrow.

But I can withstand hot food
better than him!

So the more dimensions
I discover about him

The more I understand
what we have in common,

And these common grounds intertwine

and weave together

a sort of safety net for our relationship.

Let me tell you why.

If we will start arguing again
on one of the dimensions,

like faith or politics,

or spicy food or sugar,

we argue about that specific dimension,

But both of us know
so many other things about each other

that even if we break
one single thread of this net

The fabric holds, and we
can stay together the same.

And this is the same thing
happening between families and friends!

It is not that people do not argue!

We argue, but there is
so much more that binds us.

But it took us time
for getting to know each other.

And now you will tell me now,
like the previous applause,

"Ah but this was a special case,
a special project!

You were cut for it,

maybe selected among many others
in Palestine and Israel,

The good ones, right?I

So you are special people!
Much Like Gandhi, in a sense!

Non-violent people,
as if it was a matter of genetics.

Well, so tonight I am asking you,
What is the non-violence?

How do we make it?

And this is nothing philosophical,

If I want to be pacific, non-violent,

I have to know how to behave,

But words fail to help me,
they just say what I'm not supposed to do:

non - violence.

But they are not giving me
positive recommendations,

So for many years
I wondered about violence,

And tried to work out a clear
and sound definition for violence.

For if I can define it well,

Maybe I can find a good definition
of its opposite, the contrary,

So I can work in that direction.

It was not easy, it took some years,

but today --

let me show you my definition,
that I drew from Hebrew.

That's clear, right?

Above is the Hebrew word
for violence: "alimut".

Below is another Hebrew word
with the same etymological root.

And the second word is "ilem":
"deaf", one who cannot speak.

What is the connection?

I conclude, that violence
is the act of muting.

And pay attention!

This is true both at oral,
physical, ideological level,

everything you want!

And not only that, it also means

we don't necessarily have
to use force, to be violent.

It just takes not listening to people,
and ignoring what they say.

In fact, how annoying is it

when someone pretends to talk with us

while looking at his mobile phone?

We don't immediately ask,
"Hey, are you listening to me?"

Here's the point:

if violence is the act
of making someone mute,

its opposite is listening.

And not just the kind of listening

where I get ready to reply

because I already know
what you're going to tell me

and what I am going to reply back!

This is not listening.

I heard a definition saying
that this is a "bi-logue":

it is two monologues together,
but we are not really speaking.

This is listening -

Listening is assuming
that I might not have understood it.

I did not understand why I made
too much cups of tea,

and I had to learn it.

I didn't understand I have offended,

and how I did it,

my Palestinian friend at the meeting.

And so we don't understand
a lot of things about other people.

It is only when we
deliberately dedicate time

to actively listen to people,
especially if they differ from us,

it is only when we realise
we did not understand others yet,

that we can understand better,
that we can know each other

And this is my definition of nonviolence.

So:

these days, and we speak
about time tonight,

In these turbulent, difficult times,

all our fragilities come out,
and we look for stability.

All these crisis explode,
and we look for opportunities.

There are people, forces,
even political ones,

trying to divide us;

and we in turn look for new networks,
new ties, new fraternities.

It's a good thing to remember, these days,

that this Earth is home
of each and everyone of us.

And we must learn to live here together,

We must learn cohabitation.

If tonight you ask me if this is possible,

I can tell you my story

and say we can absolutely make this Earth

a welcoming house for all of us,

If we dedicate time

to listen one person at a time.

Thanks for your listening.

(Applause)