Nothing happens to us by accident I Nadalette La Fonta Six I TEDxChampsElyseesWomen

After an international career in business with a strong commitment in the female networks, following a surgical accident, Nadalette La Fonta changed her life, to realize her dream to be a writer, with her book « Le roseau penchant, histoire d'une merveilleuse opération » (The bent reed, the story of a wonderful surgery) (Ed. Fauves), and above all to be reborn to a life richer in meaning. Nadalette shares her story without make-up and with authenticity.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Like many, many of you,

I am Wonder Woman, Mrs. Perfect.

Yes, that's me here. (Laughter)

Mrs Perfect is actually the Goddess Shiva,

one who carries a baby bottle in one
hand, a carton of milk in the other,

a computer, a mobile phone,
the written speech of her boss,

the tickets for the show -
"Don’t forget, sweetie!" -

and also slightly soggy cookies

that her kids have kindly left
in her coat pocket.

And, of course, Mrs Perfect
has one foot in a plane,

and the other in her
Louboutin stiletto heels.

She lives at 500 km/h.
She is successful in everything she does.

And ... her pantyhose does not get torn!

(Laughter) Yes!

In 2010 - I really wished
to tell you this story -

I was working
for an international company,

and I had a boss, in Madrid, who was
known for his Homeric fits of anger.

When I say "Homeric," I mean
there was blood on the walls!

Each of us had a monthly
update meeting with him,

and, like the others, I would go.

I'd say first ''Hello'' and then next,
''I had to say such and such.''

He'd reply ''No.''

''Well, I must insist, you need
to understand such and such."

He'd say ''No.''

''For the last time,
let me tell you such and such.''

And he'd say "yes" or "no"

but in any case, there was no drama,
we remained both calm.

Then, when this man
went back to his country,

he told me goodbye and said,
''I must ask you something.

Why are you not afraid?''

This concerned me
because honestly, I had no answer,

so I said something silly like,
''Well, we're not in Narcos movie.

You're not going to shoot me
the next minute!''

(Laughter)

Then, somehow the question
stuck with me and, the other day,

while I was thinking about you
and Wonder woman,

I thought "Why is Wonder woman
Wonder woman ?"

Well, it's because
she does not listen to her fear.

Okay, but you know what?
She doesn't listen to herself either.

What about you?
Are you listening right now?

So, we all came into this life
one day, that's the way it is.

I was born in the sixties -

please do not calculate my age.

I am a woman,
until proven otherwise,

and I was born in Paris
to a family that was not ideal.

By the way, if you know
the ideal family, please inform me.

Anyway, I was in a family,

but it was so far from being ideal
that at birth, I got an extra card.

This card was a 50% chance
of ending up in a bin,

and that actually happened
to my twin brother.

And I must say, when you draw such a card
at the beginning of your life,

it gives you a certain perspective
on things and an acute sense of survival.

So the beliefs on which
I structured and built myself, were:

''I don't feel pain,"

"Nothing can hurt me,"

"I am all-powerful."

Now, you see, beliefs are a little bit
like crutches during our early life.

They enable us to find our balance,
and then one day, we no longer need them.

I do not have crutches anymore.

Well, I still have this one,
but let's speak about this later.

In short, it is with these beliefs
that I framed my role as Wonder woman.

And you know what?
It was the perfect time

because my professional life
started in the eighties,

the glamour years, the money years.

So back then, being a
Wonder woman was really trendy.

Therefore, I jumped immediately
at full speed in my professional life.

At the beginning of my career,
I got the most prestigious jobs,

the most charismatic managers,
the most staggering budgets,

the greatest products and brands, etc.

Yeah, all that.

Indeed, I did understand
the movie quite a bit.

I knew there were two keys
to what I called "happiness".

The first was financial independence.

Believe me, it worked for me,
and this enabled me to leave my family.

The second was conformity
to social and professional model

because to succeed, you must please,
and to please, what do you need?

Well, you must give up your dreams

because teenage dreams,

the most audacious
and adventurous dreams -

such as, among others,
my dream of being a writer -

honestly, they are not going
to keep a woman fed.

So, they are brushed under the carpet.

Then there is something
else we all share.

You know, this little voice inside you?

The one inside there that tells you,

''Are you happy with what you do?

Do you really love yourself?

Are you really satisfied?

What happened to your dream
of becoming a writer?''

Ah! This one, frankly, got on my nerves.

I replied, ''You shut up.
I don't want to listen to you, silence!''

And as a matter of fact, I didn't
hear it for a number of years.

So, here I was in the eighties ...

Oops! I've forgotten something!

I've just forgotten one tiny detail.

In my teens, in this family that ... -
well, it would take forever! -

I had a scoliosis
that had not been treated.

Seriously, confidently,
scoliosis is nothing.

If I were to ask you to raise your hand,

25% of you in this room would say
they have a little scoliosis,

It's a curvature of the spine.

The other 25% would have a cold.

Actually, scoliosis is to the vertebrae
what the common cold is to the nose,

meaning nothing at all.

So I had no time for that,

meaning no time for me,
no time to listen to myself,

no time for Mrs. Perfect,

Mrs. Demanding of herself
and much of others,

but still funny after all.

I tell you, I did party like crazy.

(Laughter)

But what about the body?

(Sigh)

Well, it had merely to follow.

Then came midlife,

the love of my life,

maternity,

three magnificent girls.

And, I kept on working.

Yeah, they are gorgeous, thank you!

(Applause)

Really, that's the most
perfect achievement!

Then I went on with the job,
the travels, the buddies and friends,

and everything was like this, forever.

And as a matter of fact, it was perfect.

I was in my bubble,
my comfort zone, my cocoon.

Nothing could happen to me.
Everything was for granted.

Nothing could hurt me.

Except that fate -
you know, "fatum" in latin -

was thinking there, in a corner,

''It's time for this girl to understand
she has to do something of her life.''

So it knocked a first time,
I didn't hear anything.

It knocked a second time,
and I didn't hear, so it got upset.

It got angry because
what we resist, persists.

Therefore it punched, punched, punched
until I eventually was knocked out.

In reality, it knocked me out.

My body reminded me
of its presence in 2013.

My body, I had negated it,
denied it, and disavowed it.

At that point, it reminded me it was there
and not in a gentle manner.

My teenage scoliosis had
transformed into a double curve

up to 73 degrees.

It is huge!

To give you an idea, it's similar
to those old ladies you see walking,

bended almost horizontally,
their nose on the pavement, forever.

I was so good at denying that none
of my family or my girlfriends,

nobody noticed my condition.

In fact, I just collapsed physically,

and let's be frank, I was
the only one responsible for it.

So I knew I needed to do
something. I had no choice.

I tried very creatively
all the bad solutions,

until only one was left.

The solution I had to accept, I warn you,
is not going to be appealing to you.

It is called an "arthrodesis".

Here is it. It's pretty, it's my back.

It is an arthrodesis of the spine,

a ten-hour operation
in which they open your spine

from cervicals to lumbars,

insert two titanium rods,

and straighten
whatever vertebrae they can.

Now don't ask me how!
I don't know and don't want to know.

Next, they screw everything back together

And hup! I found myself
as straight as the letter "I".

(Applause)... But!

Well, that was a wrong move, folks,

because yes, my friends were saying
I'll look like Madonna

while I was saying "like Frida Kahlo,"
but the surgeon was telling me,

''Your torso will be slightly rigid,
you won't dance the Zumba very much,

but you will have good legs"

and "Don't worry! I do
surgeries like yours every week.

You'll be back to normal life
in two months."

Well, I had already doubts
about my normal life.

I had no choice,
so on October 14th, 2014,

I entered the hospital with my two legs.

They woke me up in the intensive
care unit on October 15th, 2014.

I don’t know why there are dates
we don't forget!

And they were all there
at the foot of my bed,

in white and blue, a solemn
expression on their faces.

Was it a jury or verdict? I wasn't sure.

But the whole medical team
was there, and they told me,

"Miss, your bone marrow
has been damaged.

You will never walk again.

You are paraplegic.''

I was stunned.

By "stunned" I don't mean
surprised, but dumbfounded.

Because my life had been crushed.

From being the actor of my life,
I was now its spectator.

From being independent,
I found myself in dependency.

From being hyperactive, Wonder woman,

I became incapable
of even reading or writing.

My body and I
were treated as objects

that were given injections, washed,

that were probed,
auscultated, and pinched.

From my hospital bed, I had only access
to what my hands could reach.

It was not much.

Then for nine months,
I was no longer anybody.

I was nothing: no longer a mum,
no longer a woman,

no longer a lover, no longer a manager,

no longer anything!

So one day, my body
had become my master.

For example, it was my body that decided

what I could do
and when I could do it.

One day, I came home
to my family and I discovered -

or rather "they" discovered -

that Wonder woman had become a burden.

As for me, I discovered that my loved
and loving ones had become my helpers.

It wasn't that great a discovery.

And there was also a new life for me.

I found out all that was now
impossible for me to do

such as walking alone on the street,
getting out unexpectedly,

or going to the shop ...
in short, living like them,

living like you.

My family was shattered.

I'm saying this because
a family is a system,

and all of us, both I and they
had to morn a loss -

I, the loss of my former self,

and they, the loss of the mother
and the woman they knew.

And mourning is extremely
important in adversity.

Morning is synonymous of anger,

of sadness,

of denial,

of negotiation.

And we know that these are phases
we go through time and again,

until we finally accept.

Acceptance is neither
abandonment nor flight.

It means that you need to accept, accept,
accept for the transformation to occur.

But you don't need to become
paraplegic to transform.

Come on, take a nice breath!

In fact, whatever ordeal
you are confronted with,

whether it be a divorce, unemployment,
a frustration, a death, or an illness,

you must respect it.

It is important that you
respect it as well as yourself.

What is essential in adversity
is that the only benchmark

is the individual, how he or she
deals with it and feels,

but above all, what he or she
makes of it - meaning you and also me.

Now let me still speak to you
about my ordeal with kindness

because it ended up being
an initiation actually.

It was my third birth,

a regeneration,

and for two reasons.

The first is my damned character.

That is, I never believed
I will not walk again, never.

Therefore, the very first
or second day after the surgery,

I partnered with my body and, at its pace,
we began the verticalization protocol

until I reached the point
I could stand straight

after spending many weeks
working with a verbalization table,

without vomiting or fainting,
which was cool!

Following that, I was
hooked to parallel bars.

And then, I learned
how to get by obstacles.

Next, I wobbled around using
a walking aid, and later walking canes.

So it was my regeneration for this reason,

and because I reached
a point where I thought,

''Nope. That's not possible!

I can’t let my life be stolen again."

And this time, I could hear my voice.

I listened to my little voice saying,

'' You had your life stolen at birth
and during your teenage years.

Later on, you stole it from yourself.
Enough is enough!"

As I was hearing and listening
and respecting this voice,

at that moment, my limiting beliefs
ceased to be limiting.

This is because, you see,
beliefs are really simple.

Your beliefs or your identity, call it
whatever you want, is like a medallion,

and this medallion has two sides:
the yin and yang, etc.

On the flip side, you give
your beliefs power over your life,

Don't blame yourself, we can't do
otherwise during childhood.

And they delight.

They become limiting,
blocking and enslaving.

They just become odious!

It was my feeling of being
all-powerful, my stubbornness,

my fear of life, and my fear of dying too.

Then came the day,

the day I gave myself love,

respect, tenderness,

time, attention, light ...

That day, turning the other
side of the medallion,

those same beliefs
exploded in all their splendor!

They became strength, desire for life,
creativity, wholeness, femininity.

They became all of this!

And all became possible.

They opened the entire field
of possibilities, my possibilities,

by way of embodiment,

by aligning heart, body
and spirit vertically,

physically, emotionally
and intellectually.

Nothing happens to us by accident.

My heart had to surrender
for me to find myself.

My body had to surrender.

And since dreaming was not forbidden,

actually ...

... I allowed myself to live
the dream I had when I was 18.

Today,

I am a writer,

as I wanted to be.

(Applause)

I wrote my first book called,

"Le roseau penchant, histoire
d'une merveilleuse opération"

meaning "The bent reed", you know,
the one that bends down?

Yet it never breaks!

So you have it, but wait!
Get ready for this:

it came out exactly three years,
day for day, after my surgery.

Now you may not believe
in destiny, but l really do.

And I won't need an arthrodesis
to write my second book.

Whoever you are,
whatever the ordeal,

we all have the ability to transmute it.

Today, I have within me my first,
tough and rich 59 years of existence:

my romances, my friends,

my hardships, my joys, my mistakes,

my wake-up call while I was
kept prisoner at the hospital.

I am not the victim of anything or anyone.

I have a disability that is today
nearly invisible but still major.

But I am not my disability,
absolutely not.

Life is slower,

different,

less warlike

but more battle-hardened.

I convey and I share,
as I am doing it tonight.

You decide.

Your beliefs' solar phase,
would you not like to go and see it?

That's it.

(Applause)