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Hello there ...
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You have heard it before,
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'In order for you to
live a healthy life, '
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'you have to have a healthy a life '
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'on the level of Body, Mind and Soul.'
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These pillars have long
been considered the pillars
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of a healthy and complete life.
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But what if I was to tell you
that we got it all wrong?
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When we think of soul
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we think of the soul as an
etheric or intangible energy.
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Likewise, because of the
ethereal, intangible nature
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of feelings and emotions,
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(which we do not understand)
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we call them 'Soul'.
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This is why, all advice
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about how to feed
and heal your soul,
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is in fact designed to help
you emotionally feel better.
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In truth, our soul-aspect
is innately healthy.
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It cannot be in an unhealthy state.
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Soul, which is pre-manifested energy,
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creates feelings and creates
mind and creates body.
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All three levels of a person are,
in fact, comprised of Soul.
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A body is a soul projecting
itself physically.
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A mind is a soul
projecting itself mentally.
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Feeling is a soul
consciously perceiving.
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Because of this, we could look
at it in one of two ways.
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The first is that the
three pillars of health
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are Body, Mind and Emotion.
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The second is that emotion
is the language of the soul.
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If you choose to see it this way,
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then the key to what people
are calling Soul Health
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is your Emotional Health.
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Part of Emotional Health
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is the conscious acknowledgement
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of our non-corporeal Consciousness
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which we could call Spirit or Soul.
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When we use the word 'Soul'
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we are referring to the
core-aspect of someone's being.
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This is why the word
'Soul' and the word 'Heart'
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are interchangeable.
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It's why you might hear
someone who's talking about
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their core-aspect,
their 'Soul', saying:
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"I know it in my heart that _____"
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This is an acknowledgement that we know
that at the core-aspect of our being
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our experience, here on earth,
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is not physical, it is emotional.
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When we first come into this life
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we experience the world
entirely through felt perception.
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We feel the world before
we see the world.
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Feeling and Emotion is not only
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the heart of your
life here on earth,
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it is also the heart
of your relationships.
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Because feeling and emotion
is the heart of relationships,
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it is also where the
most damage is done.
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I wanna step you, for
the sake of understanding,
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into a historical look
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at relationships and how
emotions play into relationships.
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Over the centuries,
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our ideas about the good
and bad ways to raise children
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have changed drastically.
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For example:
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In medieval days, childhood
did not really exist.
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As soon as a child
could physically manage,
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they were put to work.
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Often in roles that would
be seen today as slavery.
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Children were not
seen as pure,
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in fact, they were seen as Evil!
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And the extraordinary
corporal punishment used,
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which was, of course, considered
normal and commonplace,
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was used to grant a child
salvation and goodness.
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In this era, even in the most
aristocratic households,
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instead of valuing and
adoring their child,
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some parents took to
despising their own children
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and deliberately belittling
and abusing them
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thinking it was, in fact,
for their own good.
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In the late 1600s,
history saw the birth
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of the Punishment &
Reward style of parenting.
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Instead of pure corporal punishment,
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philosopher John Locke suggested
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that the better way of
training a child to be good
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would be to withdraw
approval and affection
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by 'disgracing' a child
when they are bad
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and to 'esteem' the child
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by rewarding the child with
approval and affection
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when they were good.
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I want you to sit in this
realization for a minute,
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of what I have just said.
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It took parents until the 1600s
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to come up with the idea
of Reward & Punishment ...
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Now, the Reward & Punishment
style of parenting we now know,
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is incredibly destructive.
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One of the most destructive
parenting techniques
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we have today.
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Now in the 1600s,
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Reward & Punishment was
a drastic improvement
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upon how children were
parented before that ...
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In the early 20th century,
not much had changed.
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Child-rearing experts
still formally denounced
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all romantic ideas
about childhood,
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and advocated the formation
of proper habits
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to discipline children.
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In fact, in 1914 U.S.
Children's Bureau pamphlet
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called 'Infant Care'
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urged a strict schedule
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and urged parents not
to play with their babies.
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John B. Watson's 'Behaviorism'
argued that parents could
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train their children by
rewarding good behavior
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and punishing bad behavior
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and by following precise schedules
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for food, sleep and
other bodily functions.
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Who could forget
the Bible proverb
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that so many parents
have lived by
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and still live by, today:
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"Whoever spares the rod,
hates their children,
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but the one who
loves their children
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is careful to discipline them."
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(as if discipline and corporal
punishment are one and the same!)
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In the 20th Century,
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corporal punishment began
to fall out of favor
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in the Western World.
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Many parents became
conscious enough to see
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corporal punishment for
what it is - which is abuse.
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And so today,
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while sadly there are still pockets
of un-Conscious parents
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that still abuse their children
in the name of discipline,
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the larger majority in
the Western World
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use parenting practices like time-outs
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as a tool of discipline.
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It is easy to look back
over time and say
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that we were in the Dark Ages
when it came to parenting
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but let me tell you,
that in the years to come,
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the future will look
back at us today
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and say the exact same thing -
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that we are, in fact, in
the Dark Age of parenting.
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Now, just as corporal
punishment has fallen out
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as a favorable style of parenting,
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I'm going to tell you today
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that we are on the
edge of a revolution.
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The revolution is
Emotional Parenting.
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We are about to find out that
we are in the Dark Ages today
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in terms of Emotional Parenting,
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and that we are doing
the same kind of damage
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on an emotional level,
to our children,
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as the parents did on a physical
level and an emotional level
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who were beating their children
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in centuries that have passed.
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I am here to tell you
that we have no idea
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how to create a healthy emotional
climate in our households
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for our children.
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And there are, of course,
exceptions to this rule,
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but by far, in today's
modern world,
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the vast majority of
children are being raised
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in unhealthy emotional environments.
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And, in fact, the emotional
climate of the household
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has not even factored into
good parenting, until today.
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We are emerging from
the new Dark Age.
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The Dark Age is the dark age
of Emotions and Feelings.
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We are awakening to the idea
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that it is possible to be a very
good parent on a physical level
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while being a very bad
parent on an emotional level.
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And this has vast implication,
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because we have already addressed,
earlier in this episode,
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that the very core
of our existence
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is Feelings and Emotions.
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So, if the emotional
climate of your household,
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with your children,
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is an unhealthy one,
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then the core essence of someone's
Life and someone's Being
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is an unhealthy one.
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In today's world,
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most parenting advice ignores
the world of emotion entirely.
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It focuses on how to
correct misbehavior
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whilst disregarding the feelings
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that underlie and cause
that very misbehavior.
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Regardless of how far
we have progressed,
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the goal of parenting
is still to have
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a compliant and obedient child,
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not, to raise a healthy adult.
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The goal is raise a
child who is 'good'.
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Our Justice System takes
the exact same approach
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with regards to misbehavior.
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We are concerned with
correcting misbehavior
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and creating good citizens
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whilst being unconcerned
with the feelings
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that motivate such misbehavior.
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Good parenting involves emotion.
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Good relationships involve emotion.
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Today, most parents make
three crucial mistakes:
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No.1 is that they disregard or
dismiss their child's emotions,
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No.2 is that they disapprove
of their child's emotions,
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No.3 is they offer no
guidance to a child
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so that they can get through
their negative emotions.
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The parent who disapproves
of their child's emotions
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is critical of their child's
display of negative emotion
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and reprimand or punish
for emotional-expression.
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The parent who dismisses
their child's emotions,
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disregards them as unimportant,
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ignores their child's emotions,
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or, worse, trivializes
their child's emotions.
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And the parent who
offers no guidance
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may empathize with
their child's emotions
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but does not set
limits on behavior
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or assist the child in
understanding and coping
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with their own emotion.
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To give you an example of how this
works out in practical terms:
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Imagine that William does
not want to go to school,
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and begins to cry when his parents
make him go to school.
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The disapproving parent
might scold William
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for his refusal to cooperate ...
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The disapproving parent
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may resort to calling him a brat
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and punishing him in some way
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with time alone or with a spanking ...
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The dismissive parent may
brush off William's emotions
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by saying 'That's silly ... '
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'There's no reason to be
sad about going to school. '
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'Now turn that frown upside down!' ...
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The dismissive parent may even
resort to distracting William
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from his emotions
by giving him a cookie
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or pointing out a cow in a
field on their way to school.
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The parent who
offers no guidance
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may behave in an apathetic
way towards William
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by telling him that it's okay
to feel sad or scared.
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But that parent would
not continue on
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to help William decide what to do
with his uncomfortable feelings.
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Instead, they would
leave him in a space
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where he feels as if his emotions
are an all-consuming force
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that he is powerless to.
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Children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments
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are not able to soothe themselves.
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They also tend to
develop health problems.
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On top of this,
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children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments
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fail to emotionally connect
with their family.
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They often feel as if
they do not belong.
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They fail to develop intimacy
with their families
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and as a result, they
feel isolated and alone.
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This, of course, carries
on into adulthood.
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They grow into adults
who are not capable
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of managing their emotion.
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They grow into adults who
feel as if they don't belong.
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They grow into adults who struggle
to make relationships work.
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They develop co-dependent relationships
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and they develop a need,
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while simultaneously, an
extreme fear of intimacy.
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In my personal opinion,
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the number one cause of psychopathy
and sociopathy in adults
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is, in fact, an unhealthy emotional
environment in childhood.
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Now, keep in mind,
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that the majority of
people who study
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the causes of psychopathy and sociopathy
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are looking around in people's pasts
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for overt signs of abuse.
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It is much more easy to
recognize overt signs of abuse,
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much more difficult to recognize
unhealthy emotional patterns
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in childhood environments.
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Many of the serial killers
and school shooters
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who reportedly came
from 'healthy' homes
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did not, in fact, come
from healthy homes at all.
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They came from physically
healthy homes
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where they were
fed and clothed
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and given many advantages, even.
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but underneath that
lovely-looking exterior
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was extreme emotional dysfunction.
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Emotional dysfunction
that disabled them
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from connecting with other people.
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Emotional dismissal and
emotional disapproval
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are forms of emotional abuse.
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But the future will soon teach us
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to never underestimate
emotional dismissal,
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emotional disapproval
and emotional abuse.
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In my opinion,
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(having experienced all the
different forms of abuse)
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emotional abuse is the very worst,
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and also, the hardest to heal from.
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But now we come to the
most damaging aspect
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of emotional dismissal or
emotional disapproval
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when it's given from
an adult to their child.
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When emotional disapproval
or emotional dismissal
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is shown to a child,
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the child begins to trust
the parent's estimation
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of whatever event has caused
them to be displeased,
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instead of their own.
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They lose faith in themselves,
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they lose trust in themselves,
and most of all,
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they believe there is something
wrong with them.
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When emotional dysfunction
rules the relationship
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the child learns that
they have no right
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to feel how they feel.
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In short, they learn that it is wrong
to feel the way that they feel.
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Now here's the crux:
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The child believes,
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that if it is wrong to
feel the way they feel,
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but that they feel that way,
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something is wrong
with them, specifically.
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If I were to choose one
single thing that is wrong
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with the Mental Health industry today,
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is that there's this popular idea
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that there's a way people should feel.
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And that if they don't feel that way
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that something has gone wrong.
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Psychiatrists' offices are full of people
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who were raised in an
emotionally dysfunctional home!
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These people grew
up to believe
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that there is something
wrong with them
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because they 'shouldn't
feel how they feel',
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when the actuality is
that they should feel
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exactly how they feel.
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They have perfect
and sound reason
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to feel exactly that way,
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and the idea that something
is 'wrong' with them
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is a fallacy.
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A fallacy that is the by-product
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of having their emotions
invalidated again and again.
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This is in fact, one of the
key-causes of anxiety.
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Anxiety is caused so often by
self-doubt and self-distrust.
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Distrusting yourself and
having doubt in yourself
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causes fear of the Self.
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As a result, you're trying to
find any way that you can
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to escape from yourself
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because you feel like you
shouldn't feel how you feel.
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I had to go into this background
story (as per usual)
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because without that understanding,
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you can't understand
how you got to the place
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in relationships that you're in today.
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Long-story short,
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because this is the
emotional environment
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you were raised with
in your childhoods,
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you have no idea
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how to emotionally relate
with people as an adult.
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And the same rules apply.
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We fail to develop true
intimacy with one another
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so often, because we dismiss
each other's emotions.
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We disapprove of
each other's feelings.
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We tell other people
how they should feel.
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We have no patience with the
emotional needs of others.
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We see emotions and
feelings as weakness.
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We call people who display
emotions 'too sensitive'.
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For the sake of your understanding,
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I want to give you three examples
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of adult relationships that
are emotionally dysfunctional.
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«laughs»
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A woman goes to
lunch with her friend.
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She is disappointed because she
did not get promoted at work
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like she thought she would.
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Her friend tells her that
she is just being negative,
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that she needs to look
on the bright side and see
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that all she's doing is
creating more disappointment
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in her reality because she
is so negatively focused.
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2. A husband gets
home late from work.
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His wife starts crying the
minute he walks in the door.
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The husband sees her crying
and immediately says:
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"You always over-react!
I was only half an hour late. "
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"Maybe you're just menopausal.
In fact, you need professional help."
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and then withdraws to
his office to watch television.
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3. A man is facing divorce.
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He tells his friends
about what is going on
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and they convince him
to join them at the bar.
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When he shows up, none
of them acknowledge
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that he's, in fact, going
through a difficult time
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emotionally with his relationship.
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Instead, they encourage him to
not think about it, have a drink,
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watch the sports game, and
look at pretty girls at the bar.
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Regardless of whether it is a friendship
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or a romantic relationship,
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feelings and emotions are
the heart are the core,
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of that particular relationship,
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(if it is supposed to be
a meaningful relationship,
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instead of a surface-y one)
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Without a healthy and
deep emotional connection,
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and an emotional-feeling
relationship,
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that 'relationship' is not,
in fact, a relationship,
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it's a social arrangement.
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Intimacy is not about Sex.
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It is true that Sex can be
the by-product of intimacy,
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but intimacy is about being
seen for who you really are,
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and seeing someone
for who they really are.
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It's me being able to take the totality
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of the truth of who I am to you,
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and being received by you,
for the truth of who I am,
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without you needing to change me.
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It's you being able to bring the
truth of who you are to me,
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and me being able to see and
receive the truth of who you are
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without me trying to
change and manipulate you.
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It's meeting at the Heart-centre
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which is the birthplace for empathy.
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It's the birthplace for connection
and for closeness.
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I have said it before and
I'm going to say it again:
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the word Intimacy can be
broken down to
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'In To Me, See'.
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The most important part about
intimacy, is to see into one another.
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To see into one's truth,
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and one's truth is represented
in feelings and emotions.
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Feelings and emotions
is the absolute core
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of your reality and your experience,
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and so it's the very most
important part of intimacy.
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The bottom-line is:
emotions and feelings matter.
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We must see the importance
and value in each other's feelings.
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We must show respect
for each other's emotions.
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We must listen for the
emotions behind the words.
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We must open ourselves
to and offer understanding.
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Statements of acknowledgement
and understanding
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should always precede advice.
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If you tell someone
how they should feel
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you are teaching them
to distrust themselves.
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You are teaching them that there
is something wrong with them.
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It is the way that we deal
with our negative emotions
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that dictates how healthy or
unhealthy our relationships may be.
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For most of us,
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the way we're dealing with
our positive emotions
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are already working for us.
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It's the negative emotions we
have the most resistance to.
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For that reason,
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I'm gonna outline for you
some concrete steps
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which can help us
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when relating to other
people's negative emotions.
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Now, this goes for both
children and adults.
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And it's solid gold when
it comes to relationships!
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No.1: To become aware of
the other person's emotion.
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No.2: To care about the
other person's emotion
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by seeing it as valid and important.
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No.3: To listen, empathetically,
to the other person's emotion
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in an attempt to understand
the way they feel.
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This allows them to feel
safe to be vulnerable
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without fear of judgment.
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i.e. seek to understand,
instead of to agree.
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No.4: To acknowledge and
validate their feelings.
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This may include helping
them to find words
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to label their emotion.
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To acknowledge and
validate a person's feelings
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we do not need to validate
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that the thoughts that they have
about their emotions are correct.
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Instead, we need to let them know
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that it is a valid thing to
feel the way that they feel.
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For example:
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If our friend says "I feel useless",
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we do not validate them by saying:
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"You know, you're right!
You are useless ..."
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Instead, we could validate
them by saying:
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"I can totally see how that
would make you feel useless, "
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"and I would feel the
same way if I were you."
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No.5: To allow the person
to feel how they feel
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and to experience their emotion fully
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before moving towards
any kind of improvement
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in the way that they feel.
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We need to give them
the permission
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to decide when they are ready
to move up the vibrational scale
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and into a different emotion.
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We cannot impose our idea
of when they should be ready
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or when they should
be able to feel different,
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onto them.
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This is the step where we practice
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Unconditional Presence for
someone, and Unconditional Love.
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We are there as support
without trying to 'fix' them.
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Do not be offended if they
don't accept your support
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at this time.
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There is a benevolent power
inherent in offering.
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That is Love, in and of itself,
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regardless of what someone
does or doesn't do with it.
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No.6: After, and only after,
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their feelings have been
validated and acknowledged
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and fully felt,
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help the other person
to strategize ways
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to manage the reactions
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they might be having to their emotion.
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This is the step where you can assert
new ways of looking at the situation
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that may improve the way
the other person is feeling.
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This is where advice can be offered.
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Now we come to one of
the most important steps
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when it comes to emotional
health within relationships.
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You are in a relationship
with yourself.
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That means you have to
validate your own emotions.
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You have to stop
dismissing your emotions
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you have to stop
disapproving of your emotions,
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you have to stop expecting yourself
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to feel differently
than you actually feel.
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In order to have emotional health,
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you have to apply the 6
previous steps I've just outlined,
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to yourself, first.
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Aside from the way that you
manage negative emotions,
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here are some steps which
can help you to create
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a healthy emotional environment
within your relationships.
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No.1: Express your love
to the other person.
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You can express your love by
reaching out to touch them.
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Many people are touch-starved
inside this modern world
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that we're living in,
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because there's so much
separation between us.
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You could express your
love through a gift.
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By giving a gift to someone,
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they are understanding that you
care enough about them
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to think about them,
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and then procure something for them,
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and then, give that something to them.
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You could choose to show
your love to someone
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by spending quality time with them.
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Where your focus is undivided,
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and you're looking at them,
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trying to understand them,
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trying to connect with them.
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You can show your love to someone
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by serving someone:
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Offering to help them
with the dishes ...
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Offering them to help them
with a project or moving ...
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You can help someone by
showing them appreciation
-
or giving them some
form of affirmation -
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giving them a compliment.
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There are many ways that you
can show love to someone.
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One of the main reasons why
we have emotional deprivation
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in our childhood experience
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and, in our current relationships,
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is that we are restrictive
when it comes to our love,
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we're stingy with our love,
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we don't overtly demonstrate it
and give it to other people.
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By being demonstrative in our love
-
and by offering our love
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to other people
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we enable them to feel emotionally
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safe and loved and valued by us.
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But, make sure that when you
go to express your love to someone,
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you're doing it for
the right reasons,
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not because you're wanting
something from them.
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No.2: Never ignore their presence.
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There are very few things that
are more emotionally hurtful
-
than being treated
like you don't exist.
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Even if you're angry
at the moment,
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it's no reason to give
the cold-shoulder
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to the person who loves you.
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No.3: This tip goes hand-in-hand
with the last one.
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Do not physically or emotionally
withdraw from them,
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especially during a conflict.
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People who are afraid of
intimacy and connection
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and thus, vulnerability, tend
to cope with those feelings
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by becoming an island unto themselves.
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They become emotionally unavailable
and disconnect from the other person
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as a defense.
-
To withdraw in a relationship is
to commit emotional-divorce.
-
and the number one
symptom of withdrawal
-
is the lack of communication.
-
That being said, we are
led to our next Tip.
-
Tip No.4: Communicate,
Communicate & Communicate!
-
When we have committed
to a relationship,
-
we have committed
to communication.
-
And you are communicating
-
whether you're doing
it verbally or not,
-
because the majority
of communication
-
is taking place through
your body language.
-
Communication is a
huge part of connection.
-
Do not suppress your emotions
-
and try to avoid, deny, dismiss
or numb them away
-
through distraction.
-
We need to be willing to
acknowledge our own emotion
-
and communicate it in
healthy ways to our partner.
-
When we are confused
about how to do this,
-
a helpful tip is to take the
thoughts we're having
-
and imagine bringing them
down to our Heart-space
-
and then speaking from there.
-
This technique is called
'Speaking From The Heart'.
-
When we do this, we tend to
be more willingly vulnerable
-
and thus, more Authentic,
-
and less defensive and attacking
-
in our communication-style.
-
Put your feelings into words.
-
There is almost nothing
worse for a relationship
-
than remaining silent
about how you are feeling.
-
Not communicating how you're feeling
-
creates a canyon between
you and your partner.
-
They can feel when you
are emotionally upset.
-
If you are not talking or if you
are denying the way you feel,
-
when they can feel that
you're emotionally upset,
-
it makes the other person
feel crazy and confused.
-
We need to be willing to
acknowledge our emotions
-
and communicate that to our partner,
-
in healthy ways.
-
If we're confused about how to do this,
-
we can take what we're
feeling and our emotions
-
(what we're thinking about those things)
-
and we can imagine putting
them down to our heart space
-
and then speaking
them from there.
-
This practice is called
'Speaking From The Heart'
-
and it can be really valuable
when it comes to creating
-
a healthy emotional environment
within any kind of relationship.
-
#5: If you make promises, follow through.
-
If you say you're gonna
do something, do it.
-
You have to make
good on your word.
-
Doing other than this systematically
destroys trust in a relationship.
-
And the thing about emotional
health and relationships
-
is that trust is a big part of that.
-
Admit to mistakes and commit
to changing the behavior.
-
Apologizing again and again,
-
without really changing the behavior,
-
sends the message that
you don't actually care
-
about how another person feels
-
as much as you care about
getting them off your back
-
... temporarily ...
-
This also, systematically destroys
trust within the relationship.
-
We have to actually take steps,
if we care about somebody
-
to not only apologize, but to
make the changes necessary
-
so that that same mistake
-
or that same painful thing we
did to them, doesn't occur again.
-
That being said,
-
an apology can go a very long way
-
to create emotional
health in a relationship.
-
Tip No.7: Get a handle on your priorities.
-
You have to know your priorities
-
in order to develop a healthy
emotional relationship.
-
If you want a relationship
to feel good emotionally,
-
you're going to have to value
it enough to prioritize it.
-
There is no such thing as a
right priority or a wrong priority.
-
But if your work or hobbies
are a higher priority
-
than your relationships,
-
chances are, your
relationships will suffer
-
because, if you have to
choose between them,
-
you'll choose your
work or your hobbies.
-
This will make the other person
feel unloved and insignificant.
-
It will also make the
other person feel
-
like it is unsafe to connect
emotionally with you.
-
When you are facing
a conflict of interest
-
between one thing
and another thing,
-
you need to be able
to consciously decide
-
where your priority is.
-
In the healthiest relationships,
-
the health of the relationship
and the way your partner feels
-
is the number one priority.
-
Tip No.8: Encourage them!
-
Encouraging people makes them
feel like they're not alone.
-
It's no longer the World-against-Them,
they have a team-mate.
-
Encouragement allows us to know
we have emotional support.
-
It is the opposite of criticism
and discouragement.
-
It builds a person up
instead of tears them down.
-
This also allows people
to be emotionally 'safe'
-
to share their dreams
and desires with us.
-
#9: Express your wants, needs
and expectations, clearly,
-
in a relationship.
-
This is about healthy boundaries.
-
In order to understand
healthy boundaries,
-
feel free to look up my
YouTube video titled:
-
Boundaries vs. Oneness
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)
-
It is not fair to keep the
other person guessing
-
about what you want and need.
-
It is also not fair to expect
them to read your mind
-
by expecting things of them
that they are unaware of
-
and have not agreed to.
-
It is also important to
take time to understand
-
the other person's wants,
needs and expectations.
-
Ask for what you want and need
-
and encourage them to do the same.
-
And assuming that their
wants and needs
-
don't conflict with your
wants and needs,
-
meet those needs and wants.
-
Tip No.10: Laugh and play together.
-
This is something which
most modern relationships
-
don't prioritize enough.
-
Fun and laughter and play
have the capacity to bond us
-
in the same way that
experiencing intense struggle,
-
with a person, does.
-
It can also be a powerful aphrodisiac
-
for those of you that
are in relationships.
-
Prioritize doing things together
-
that feel good and are exciting.
-
It also ensures that
conflict and struggle
-
is not the undertone of the relationship.
-
Tip No.11: Become an
expert on the people
-
that you're in a relationship with.
-
Learn everything that
you can about them,
-
provided that you're
doing that for a good reason.
-
It's the heart of intimacy.
-
The more you know about
a person's wants,
-
a person's needs,
a person's feelings,
-
the closer your relationship
with them can become.
-
Becoming an expert on another person
-
will help you to make
the right choices
-
about how to interact
with that person,
-
so that the emotional environment
of the relationship
-
is healthy and supportive.
-
It also helps us to be experts
-
at loving them in the way
they feel the most loved.
-
Like all things, we need to
apply these tips to ourselves.
-
The one relationship you can't
end (except for/through death),
-
is the relationship between
you and yourself.
-
That means you have to
know what you want,
-
you have to know what you need,
-
you have to know your expectations,
-
you have to validate your
feelings, admit to them,
-
no longer dismiss them,
-
no longer disapprove of them.
-
That's the way to develop
-
a healthy emotional
relationship with yourself.
-
Which is the heart of the relationship
between you and yourself.
-
Never be ashamed of how you feel.
-
The way you feel is valid.
-
If you're having an emotion,
there is always a good reason
-
why you are having that emotion,
-
so don't let anyone tell you how
you should or should not feel.
-
You deserve to have a relationship
where feelings matter.
-
And the best way to
get into that relationship
-
is to decide that your
emotions matter, to you.
-
Have a good week.
-
Subtitles by: David Soh & Tanya Duarte