Emotional Wake Up Call - Teal Swan-

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Hello there ...

You have heard it before,

'In order for you to
live a healthy life, '

'you have to have a healthy a life '

'on the level of Body, Mind and Soul.'

These pillars have long
been considered the pillars

of a healthy and complete life.

But what if I was to tell you
that we got it all wrong?

When we think of soul

we think of the soul as an
etheric or intangible energy.

Likewise, because of the
ethereal, intangible nature

of feelings and emotions,

(which we do not understand)

we call them 'Soul'.

This is why, all advice

about how to feed
and heal your soul,

is in fact designed to help
you emotionally feel better.

In truth, our soul-aspect
is innately healthy.

It cannot be in an unhealthy state.

Soul, which is pre-manifested energy,

creates feelings and creates
mind and creates body.

All three levels of a person are,
in fact, comprised of Soul.

A body is a soul projecting
itself physically.

A mind is a soul
projecting itself mentally.

Feeling is a soul
consciously perceiving.

Because of this, we could look
at it in one of two ways.

The first is that the
three pillars of health

are Body, Mind and Emotion.

The second is that emotion
is the language of the soul.

If you choose to see it this way,

then the key to what people
are calling Soul Health

is your Emotional Health.

Part of Emotional Health

is the conscious acknowledgement

of our non-corporeal Consciousness

which we could call Spirit or Soul.

When we use the word 'Soul'

we are referring to the
core-aspect of someone's being.

This is why the word
'Soul' and the word 'Heart'

are interchangeable.

It's why you might hear
someone who's talking about

their core-aspect,
their 'Soul', saying:

"I know it in my heart that _____"

This is an acknowledgement that we know
that at the core-aspect of our being

our experience, here on earth,

is not physical, it is emotional.

When we first come into this life

we experience the world
entirely through felt perception.

We feel the world before
we see the world.

Feeling and Emotion is not only

the heart of your
life here on earth,

it is also the heart
of your relationships.

Because feeling and emotion
is the heart of relationships,

it is also where the
most damage is done.

I wanna step you, for
the sake of understanding,

into a historical look

at relationships and how
emotions play into relationships.

Over the centuries,

our ideas about the good
and bad ways to raise children

have changed drastically.

For example:

In medieval days, childhood
did not really exist.

As soon as a child
could physically manage,

they were put to work.

Often in roles that would
be seen today as slavery.

Children were not
seen as pure,

in fact, they were seen as Evil!

And the extraordinary
corporal punishment used,

which was, of course, considered
normal and commonplace,

was used to grant a child
salvation and goodness.

In this era, even in the most
aristocratic households,

instead of valuing and
adoring their child,

some parents took to
despising their own children

and deliberately belittling
and abusing them

thinking it was, in fact,
for their own good.

In the late 1600s,
history saw the birth

of the Punishment &
Reward style of parenting.

Instead of pure corporal punishment,

philosopher John Locke suggested

that the better way of
training a child to be good

would be to withdraw
approval and affection

by 'disgracing' a child
when they are bad

and to 'esteem' the child

by rewarding the child with
approval and affection

when they were good.

I want you to sit in this
realization for a minute,

of what I have just said.

It took parents until the 1600s

to come up with the idea
of Reward & Punishment ...

Now, the Reward & Punishment
style of parenting we now know,

is incredibly destructive.

One of the most destructive
parenting techniques

we have today.

Now in the 1600s,

Reward & Punishment was
a drastic improvement

upon how children were
parented before that ...

In the early 20th century,
not much had changed.

Child-rearing experts
still formally denounced

all romantic ideas
about childhood,

and advocated the formation
of proper habits

to discipline children.

In fact, in 1914 U.S.
Children's Bureau pamphlet

called 'Infant Care'

urged a strict schedule

and urged parents not
to play with their babies.

John B. Watson's 'Behaviorism'
argued that parents could

train their children by
rewarding good behavior

and punishing bad behavior

and by following precise schedules

for food, sleep and
other bodily functions.

Who could forget
the Bible proverb

that so many parents
have lived by

and still live by, today:

"Whoever spares the rod,
hates their children,

but the one who
loves their children

is careful to discipline them."

(as if discipline and corporal
punishment are one and the same!)

In the 20th Century,

corporal punishment began
to fall out of favor

in the Western World.

Many parents became
conscious enough to see

corporal punishment for
what it is - which is abuse.

And so today,

while sadly there are still pockets
of un-Conscious parents

that still abuse their children
in the name of discipline,

the larger majority in
the Western World

use parenting practices like time-outs

as a tool of discipline.

It is easy to look back
over time and say

that we were in the Dark Ages
when it came to parenting

but let me tell you,
that in the years to come,

the future will look
back at us today

and say the exact same thing -

that we are, in fact, in
the Dark Age of parenting.

Now, just as corporal
punishment has fallen out

as a favorable style of parenting,

I'm going to tell you today

that we are on the
edge of a revolution.

The revolution is
Emotional Parenting.

We are about to find out that
we are in the Dark Ages today

in terms of Emotional Parenting,

and that we are doing
the same kind of damage

on an emotional level,
to our children,

as the parents did on a physical
level and an emotional level

who were beating their children

in centuries that have passed.

I am here to tell you
that we have no idea

how to create a healthy emotional
climate in our households

for our children.

And there are, of course,
exceptions to this rule,

but by far, in today's
modern world,

the vast majority of
children are being raised

in unhealthy emotional environments.

And, in fact, the emotional
climate of the household

has not even factored into
good parenting, until today.

We are emerging from
the new Dark Age.

The Dark Age is the dark age
of Emotions and Feelings.

We are awakening to the idea

that it is possible to be a very
good parent on a physical level

while being a very bad
parent on an emotional level.

And this has vast implication,

because we have already addressed,
earlier in this episode,

that the very core
of our existence

is Feelings and Emotions.

So, if the emotional
climate of your household,

with your children,

is an unhealthy one,

then the core essence of someone's
Life and someone's Being

is an unhealthy one.

In today's world,

most parenting advice ignores
the world of emotion entirely.

It focuses on how to
correct misbehavior

whilst disregarding the feelings

that underlie and cause
that very misbehavior.

Regardless of how far
we have progressed,

the goal of parenting
is still to have

a compliant and obedient child,

not, to raise a healthy adult.

The goal is raise a
child who is 'good'.

Our Justice System takes
the exact same approach

with regards to misbehavior.

We are concerned with
correcting misbehavior

and creating good citizens

whilst being unconcerned
with the feelings

that motivate such misbehavior.

Good parenting involves emotion.

Good relationships involve emotion.

Today, most parents make
three crucial mistakes:

No.1 is that they disregard or
dismiss their child's emotions,

No.2 is that they disapprove
of their child's emotions,

No.3 is they offer no
guidance to a child

so that they can get through
their negative emotions.

The parent who disapproves
of their child's emotions

is critical of their child's
display of negative emotion

and reprimand or punish
for emotional-expression.

The parent who dismisses
their child's emotions,

disregards them as unimportant,

ignores their child's emotions,

or, worse, trivializes
their child's emotions.

And the parent who
offers no guidance

may empathize with
their child's emotions

but does not set
limits on behavior

or assist the child in
understanding and coping

with their own emotion.

To give you an example of how this
works out in practical terms:

Imagine that William does
not want to go to school,

and begins to cry when his parents
make him go to school.

The disapproving parent
might scold William

for his refusal to cooperate ...

The disapproving parent

may resort to calling him a brat

and punishing him in some way

with time alone or with a spanking ...

The dismissive parent may
brush off William's emotions

by saying 'That's silly ... '

'There's no reason to be
sad about going to school. '

'Now turn that frown upside down!' ...

The dismissive parent may even
resort to distracting William

from his emotions
by giving him a cookie

or pointing out a cow in a
field on their way to school.

The parent who
offers no guidance

may behave in an apathetic
way towards William

by telling him that it's okay
to feel sad or scared.

But that parent would
not continue on

to help William decide what to do
with his uncomfortable feelings.

Instead, they would
leave him in a space

where he feels as if his emotions
are an all-consuming force

that he is powerless to.

Children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments

are not able to soothe themselves.

They also tend to
develop health problems.

On top of this,

children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments

fail to emotionally connect
with their family.

They often feel as if
they do not belong.

They fail to develop intimacy
with their families

and as a result, they
feel isolated and alone.

This, of course, carries
on into adulthood.

They grow into adults
who are not capable

of managing their emotion.

They grow into adults who
feel as if they don't belong.

They grow into adults who struggle
to make relationships work.

They develop co-dependent relationships

and they develop a need,

while simultaneously, an
extreme fear of intimacy.

In my personal opinion,

the number one cause of psychopathy
and sociopathy in adults

is, in fact, an unhealthy emotional
environment in childhood.

Now, keep in mind,

that the majority of
people who study

the causes of psychopathy and sociopathy

are looking around in people's pasts

for overt signs of abuse.

It is much more easy to
recognize overt signs of abuse,

much more difficult to recognize
unhealthy emotional patterns

in childhood environments.

Many of the serial killers
and school shooters

who reportedly came
from 'healthy' homes

did not, in fact, come
from healthy homes at all.

They came from physically
healthy homes

where they were
fed and clothed

and given many advantages, even.

but underneath that
lovely-looking exterior

was extreme emotional dysfunction.

Emotional dysfunction
that disabled them

from connecting with other people.

Emotional dismissal and
emotional disapproval

are forms of emotional abuse.

But the future will soon teach us

to never underestimate
emotional dismissal,

emotional disapproval
and emotional abuse.

In my opinion,

(having experienced all the
different forms of abuse)

emotional abuse is the very worst,

and also, the hardest to heal from.

But now we come to the
most damaging aspect

of emotional dismissal or
emotional disapproval

when it's given from
an adult to their child.

When emotional disapproval
or emotional dismissal

is shown to a child,

the child begins to trust
the parent's estimation

of whatever event has caused
them to be displeased,

instead of their own.

They lose faith in themselves,

they lose trust in themselves,
and most of all,

they believe there is something
wrong with them.

When emotional dysfunction
rules the relationship

the child learns that
they have no right

to feel how they feel.

In short, they learn that it is wrong
to feel the way that they feel.

Now here's the crux:

The child believes,

that if it is wrong to
feel the way they feel,

but that they feel that way,

something is wrong
with them, specifically.

If I were to choose one
single thing that is wrong

with the Mental Health industry today,

is that there's this popular idea

that there's a way people should feel.

And that if they don't feel that way

that something has gone wrong.

Psychiatrists' offices are full of people

who were raised in an
emotionally dysfunctional home!

These people grew
up to believe

that there is something
wrong with them

because they 'shouldn't
feel how they feel',

when the actuality is
that they should feel

exactly how they feel.

They have perfect
and sound reason

to feel exactly that way,

and the idea that something
is 'wrong' with them

is a fallacy.

A fallacy that is the by-product

of having their emotions
invalidated again and again.

This is in fact, one of the
key-causes of anxiety.

Anxiety is caused so often by
self-doubt and self-distrust.

Distrusting yourself and
having doubt in yourself

causes fear of the Self.

As a result, you're trying to
find any way that you can

to escape from yourself

because you feel like you
shouldn't feel how you feel.

I had to go into this background
story (as per usual)

because without that understanding,

you can't understand
how you got to the place

in relationships that you're in today.

Long-story short,

because this is the
emotional environment

you were raised with
in your childhoods,

you have no idea

how to emotionally relate
with people as an adult.

And the same rules apply.

We fail to develop true
intimacy with one another

so often, because we dismiss
each other's emotions.

We disapprove of
each other's feelings.

We tell other people
how they should feel.

We have no patience with the
emotional needs of others.

We see emotions and
feelings as weakness.

We call people who display
emotions 'too sensitive'.

For the sake of your understanding,

I want to give you three examples

of adult relationships that
are emotionally dysfunctional.

«laughs»

A woman goes to
lunch with her friend.

She is disappointed because she
did not get promoted at work

like she thought she would.

Her friend tells her that
she is just being negative,

that she needs to look
on the bright side and see

that all she's doing is
creating more disappointment

in her reality because she
is so negatively focused.

2. A husband gets
home late from work.

His wife starts crying the
minute he walks in the door.

The husband sees her crying
and immediately says:

"You always over-react!
I was only half an hour late. "

"Maybe you're just menopausal.
In fact, you need professional help."

and then withdraws to
his office to watch television.

3. A man is facing divorce.

He tells his friends
about what is going on

and they convince him
to join them at the bar.

When he shows up, none
of them acknowledge

that he's, in fact, going
through a difficult time

emotionally with his relationship.

Instead, they encourage him to
not think about it, have a drink,

watch the sports game, and
look at pretty girls at the bar.

Regardless of whether it is a friendship

or a romantic relationship,

feelings and emotions are
the heart are the core,

of that particular relationship,

(if it is supposed to be
a meaningful relationship,

instead of a surface-y one)

Without a healthy and
deep emotional connection,

and an emotional-feeling
relationship,

that 'relationship' is not,
in fact, a relationship,

it's a social arrangement.

Intimacy is not about Sex.

It is true that Sex can be
the by-product of intimacy,

but intimacy is about being
seen for who you really are,

and seeing someone
for who they really are.

It's me being able to take the totality

of the truth of who I am to you,

and being received by you,
for the truth of who I am,

without you needing to change me.

It's you being able to bring the
truth of who you are to me,

and me being able to see and
receive the truth of who you are

without me trying to
change and manipulate you.

It's meeting at the Heart-centre

which is the birthplace for empathy.

It's the birthplace for connection
and for closeness.

I have said it before and
I'm going to say it again:

the word Intimacy can be
broken down to

'In To Me, See'.

The most important part about
intimacy, is to see into one another.

To see into one's truth,

and one's truth is represented
in feelings and emotions.

Feelings and emotions
is the absolute core

of your reality and your experience,

and so it's the very most
important part of intimacy.

The bottom-line is:
emotions and feelings matter.

We must see the importance
and value in each other's feelings.

We must show respect
for each other's emotions.

We must listen for the
emotions behind the words.

We must open ourselves
to and offer understanding.

Statements of acknowledgement
and understanding

should always precede advice.

If you tell someone
how they should feel

you are teaching them
to distrust themselves.

You are teaching them that there
is something wrong with them.

It is the way that we deal
with our negative emotions

that dictates how healthy or
unhealthy our relationships may be.

For most of us,

the way we're dealing with
our positive emotions

are already working for us.

It's the negative emotions we
have the most resistance to.

For that reason,

I'm gonna outline for you
some concrete steps

which can help us

when relating to other
people's negative emotions.

Now, this goes for both
children and adults.

And it's solid gold when
it comes to relationships!

No.1: To become aware of
the other person's emotion.

No.2: To care about the
other person's emotion

by seeing it as valid and important.

No.3: To listen, empathetically,
to the other person's emotion

in an attempt to understand
the way they feel.

This allows them to feel
safe to be vulnerable

without fear of judgment.

i.e. seek to understand,
instead of to agree.

No.4: To acknowledge and
validate their feelings.

This may include helping
them to find words

to label their emotion.

To acknowledge and
validate a person's feelings

we do not need to validate

that the thoughts that they have
about their emotions are correct.

Instead, we need to let them know

that it is a valid thing to
feel the way that they feel.

For example:

If our friend says "I feel useless",

we do not validate them by saying:

"You know, you're right!
You are useless ..."

Instead, we could validate
them by saying:

"I can totally see how that
would make you feel useless, "

"and I would feel the
same way if I were you."

No.5: To allow the person
to feel how they feel

and to experience their emotion fully

before moving towards
any kind of improvement

in the way that they feel.

We need to give them
the permission

to decide when they are ready
to move up the vibrational scale

and into a different emotion.

We cannot impose our idea
of when they should be ready

or when they should
be able to feel different,

onto them.

This is the step where we practice

Unconditional Presence for
someone, and Unconditional Love.

We are there as support
without trying to 'fix' them.

Do not be offended if they
don't accept your support

at this time.

There is a benevolent power
inherent in offering.

That is Love, in and of itself,

regardless of what someone
does or doesn't do with it.

No.6: After, and only after,

their feelings have been
validated and acknowledged

and fully felt,

help the other person
to strategize ways

to manage the reactions

they might be having to their emotion.

This is the step where you can assert
new ways of looking at the situation

that may improve the way
the other person is feeling.

This is where advice can be offered.

Now we come to one of
the most important steps

when it comes to emotional
health within relationships.

You are in a relationship
with yourself.

That means you have to
validate your own emotions.

You have to stop
dismissing your emotions

you have to stop
disapproving of your emotions,

you have to stop expecting yourself

to feel differently
than you actually feel.

In order to have emotional health,

you have to apply the 6
previous steps I've just outlined,

to yourself, first.

Aside from the way that you
manage negative emotions,

here are some steps which
can help you to create

a healthy emotional environment
within your relationships.

No.1: Express your love
to the other person.

You can express your love by
reaching out to touch them.

Many people are touch-starved
inside this modern world

that we're living in,

because there's so much
separation between us.

You could express your
love through a gift.

By giving a gift to someone,

they are understanding that you
care enough about them

to think about them,

and then procure something for them,

and then, give that something to them.

You could choose to show
your love to someone

by spending quality time with them.

Where your focus is undivided,

and you're looking at them,

trying to understand them,

trying to connect with them.

You can show your love to someone

by serving someone:

Offering to help them
with the dishes ...

Offering them to help them
with a project or moving ...

You can help someone by
showing them appreciation

or giving them some
form of affirmation -

giving them a compliment.

There are many ways that you
can show love to someone.

One of the main reasons why
we have emotional deprivation

in our childhood experience

and, in our current relationships,

is that we are restrictive
when it comes to our love,

we're stingy with our love,

we don't overtly demonstrate it
and give it to other people.

By being demonstrative in our love

and by offering our love

to other people

we enable them to feel emotionally

safe and loved and valued by us.

But, make sure that when you
go to express your love to someone,

you're doing it for
the right reasons,

not because you're wanting
something from them.

No.2: Never ignore their presence.

There are very few things that
are more emotionally hurtful

than being treated
like you don't exist.

Even if you're angry
at the moment,

it's no reason to give
the cold-shoulder

to the person who loves you.

No.3: This tip goes hand-in-hand
with the last one.

Do not physically or emotionally
withdraw from them,

especially during a conflict.

People who are afraid of
intimacy and connection

and thus, vulnerability, tend
to cope with those feelings

by becoming an island unto themselves.

They become emotionally unavailable
and disconnect from the other person

as a defense.

To withdraw in a relationship is
to commit emotional-divorce.

and the number one
symptom of withdrawal

is the lack of communication.

That being said, we are
led to our next Tip.

Tip No.4: Communicate,
Communicate & Communicate!

When we have committed
to a relationship,

we have committed
to communication.

And you are communicating

whether you're doing
it verbally or not,

because the majority
of communication

is taking place through
your body language.

Communication is a
huge part of connection.

Do not suppress your emotions

and try to avoid, deny, dismiss
or numb them away

through distraction.

We need to be willing to
acknowledge our own emotion

and communicate it in
healthy ways to our partner.

When we are confused
about how to do this,

a helpful tip is to take the
thoughts we're having

and imagine bringing them
down to our Heart-space

and then speaking from there.

This technique is called
'Speaking From The Heart'.

When we do this, we tend to
be more willingly vulnerable

and thus, more Authentic,

and less defensive and attacking

in our communication-style.

Put your feelings into words.

There is almost nothing
worse for a relationship

than remaining silent
about how you are feeling.

Not communicating how you're feeling

creates a canyon between
you and your partner.

They can feel when you
are emotionally upset.

If you are not talking or if you
are denying the way you feel,

when they can feel that
you're emotionally upset,

it makes the other person
feel crazy and confused.

We need to be willing to
acknowledge our emotions

and communicate that to our partner,

in healthy ways.

If we're confused about how to do this,

we can take what we're
feeling and our emotions

(what we're thinking about those things)

and we can imagine putting
them down to our heart space

and then speaking
them from there.

This practice is called
'Speaking From The Heart'

and it can be really valuable
when it comes to creating

a healthy emotional environment
within any kind of relationship.

#5: If you make promises, follow through.

If you say you're gonna
do something, do it.

You have to make
good on your word.

Doing other than this systematically
destroys trust in a relationship.

And the thing about emotional
health and relationships

is that trust is a big part of that.

Admit to mistakes and commit
to changing the behavior.

Apologizing again and again,

without really changing the behavior,

sends the message that
you don't actually care

about how another person feels

as much as you care about
getting them off your back

... temporarily ...

This also, systematically destroys
trust within the relationship.

We have to actually take steps,
if we care about somebody

to not only apologize, but to
make the changes necessary

so that that same mistake

or that same painful thing we
did to them, doesn't occur again.

That being said,

an apology can go a very long way

to create emotional
health in a relationship.

Tip No.7: Get a handle on your priorities.

You have to know your priorities

in order to develop a healthy
emotional relationship.

If you want a relationship
to feel good emotionally,

you're going to have to value
it enough to prioritize it.

There is no such thing as a
right priority or a wrong priority.

But if your work or hobbies
are a higher priority

than your relationships,

chances are, your
relationships will suffer

because, if you have to
choose between them,

you'll choose your
work or your hobbies.

This will make the other person
feel unloved and insignificant.

It will also make the
other person feel

like it is unsafe to connect
emotionally with you.

When you are facing
a conflict of interest

between one thing
and another thing,

you need to be able
to consciously decide

where your priority is.

In the healthiest relationships,

the health of the relationship
and the way your partner feels

is the number one priority.

Tip No.8: Encourage them!

Encouraging people makes them
feel like they're not alone.

It's no longer the World-against-Them,
they have a team-mate.

Encouragement allows us to know
we have emotional support.

It is the opposite of criticism
and discouragement.

It builds a person up
instead of tears them down.

This also allows people
to be emotionally 'safe'

to share their dreams
and desires with us.

#9: Express your wants, needs
and expectations, clearly,

in a relationship.

This is about healthy boundaries.

In order to understand
healthy boundaries,

feel free to look up my
YouTube video titled:

Boundaries vs. Oneness
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)

It is not fair to keep the
other person guessing

about what you want and need.

It is also not fair to expect
them to read your mind

by expecting things of them
that they are unaware of

and have not agreed to.

It is also important to
take time to understand

the other person's wants,
needs and expectations.

Ask for what you want and need

and encourage them to do the same.

And assuming that their
wants and needs

don't conflict with your
wants and needs,

meet those needs and wants.

Tip No.10: Laugh and play together.

This is something which
most modern relationships

don't prioritize enough.

Fun and laughter and play
have the capacity to bond us

in the same way that
experiencing intense struggle,

with a person, does.

It can also be a powerful aphrodisiac

for those of you that
are in relationships.

Prioritize doing things together

that feel good and are exciting.

It also ensures that
conflict and struggle

is not the undertone of the relationship.

Tip No.11: Become an
expert on the people

that you're in a relationship with.

Learn everything that
you can about them,

provided that you're
doing that for a good reason.

It's the heart of intimacy.

The more you know about
a person's wants,

a person's needs,
a person's feelings,

the closer your relationship
with them can become.

Becoming an expert on another person

will help you to make
the right choices

about how to interact
with that person,

so that the emotional environment
of the relationship

is healthy and supportive.

It also helps us to be experts

at loving them in the way
they feel the most loved.

Like all things, we need to
apply these tips to ourselves.

The one relationship you can't
end (except for/through death),

is the relationship between
you and yourself.

That means you have to
know what you want,

you have to know what you need,

you have to know your expectations,

you have to validate your
feelings, admit to them,

no longer dismiss them,

no longer disapprove of them.

That's the way to develop

a healthy emotional
relationship with yourself.

Which is the heart of the relationship
between you and yourself.

Never be ashamed of how you feel.

The way you feel is valid.

If you're having an emotion,
there is always a good reason

why you are having that emotion,

so don't let anyone tell you how
you should or should not feel.

You deserve to have a relationship
where feelings matter.

And the best way to
get into that relationship

is to decide that your
emotions matter, to you.

Have a good week.

Subtitles by: David Soh & Tanya Duarte