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← The Dangers Of Being Too Agreeable - Jordan Peterson

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Showing Revision 1 created 03/06/2018 by Artem.

  1. Had situations in my lab where I had underperforming
  2. Graduate students and one of the things that was really awful about that was that it was [really] hard on the high
  3. performing graduate students
  4. You [know] because they felt that even being in the same category as the people who weren't working hard and pulling their weight
  5. Devalued what they were doing you [know] and that's exactly right, and so this is also. Why there's there's a
  6. Conscientiousness trait and an agreeableness trait because conscientious people judge you on your accomplishments, right?
  7. They don't give a damn about your feelings not a bit
  8. It's like are you doing the work or not [whereas] agreeable people think well?
  9. You know your mother is sick
  10. And you know you you've got a bunch of family problems and and we all have to take care of each other
  11. And it's no wonder that you're having a rough time and like you can't say that one of those
  12. Attitudes is correct and the other isn't correct you can't say that there wouldn't be those two dimensions
  13. If there wasn't something correct about both of them
  14. But you can certainly point out that often they conflict
  15. you know and so the demand for for inclusiveness and unity and care and the demand for
  16. [High-level] performance in a hierarchical structure [they're] very different orientations in the world and so
  17. it's complicated for people who are agreeable and conscientious and
  18. actually, I think often that large corporations [and] large large institutions of any sort run on the
  19. Unheralded labor of people who are high in agreeable lifts and high in conscientiousness
  20. And they're disproportionately women in my experience in large institutions has been that if you want to hire someone to exploit
  21. Appropriately no not appropriately if you want to hire someone to exploit productively
  22. You hire middle-aged women who are hyper conscientious?
  23. And who are agreeable because they'll do everything they won't take credit for it
  24. and they won't complain and
  25. that's
  26. Nasty and I think that happens all the time and so one of the things you have to be careful of if you're agreeable [is]
  27. Not to be exploited because you'll line up to be exploited
  28. and I think the reason for that is [because] you're wired to be exploited by infants and
  29. So that just doesn't work so well in that actual world and one of the things one of the things that happens very often in
  30. Psychotherapy, you know people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons
  31. But one of them is they often come because to agreeable and so what they get is so-called assertiveness training although
  32. it's not exactly assertiveness that's being trained what it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf and
  33. One of the things I tell agreeable people especially if their conscientious is
  34. Say what you think tell the truth about what you think there's going to be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh
  35. And they probably are nasty and harsh
  36. But they're also probably true and you need to bring those [up] to the forefront and deliver the message
  37. And it's not straightforward at all because agreeable people do not like conflict
  38. not at all they smooth the water you know and you can see you can see why that is in accordance with the
  39. Hypothesis that I've been putting forward [you] don't want conflict around infants. It's too damn dangerous
  40. You don't want fights to break out you don't want anything to
  41. Disturb the the relative peace you know and if you're also more prone [to] being hurt physically and perhaps
  42. emotionally you also may be loath to engage in the kind of
  43. High-Intensity conflict that will solve problems in the short term because [a] lot of conflict
  44. it takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short term and
  45. You know if that can spiral up to where it's dangerous which it can if it gets uncontrolled it might be safer in
  46. The short term [to] keep the waters smooth and to not delve into those situations
  47. Where conflict emerges the problem with that is it's not a very good medium to long term
  48. Strategy right because lots lots of times there are things you have to talk about
  49. because they're not going to go away and
  50. so partly what you do with agreeable people is you get them to figure out and they have a hard time with this too if
  51. You ask a disagreeable person. What what he wants say or she wants they'll tell you right away
  52. They know like this is what I want and this is how I'm going to get it
  53. But agreeable people especially if they're really agreeable are so agreeable that they often don't even know what they want
  54. because they're so accustomed to living for other people and to finding out what other people want and to trying to make them comfortable and
  55. So forth that it's harder for them to find a sense of their own
  56. Desires as they move [through] life, and that's not
  57. Look, there's situations where that's Advantageous, but it's certainly not advantageous if you're going to try to
  58. forge yourself a career that just doesn't work at all so
  59. All right