The Gay Agenda Now: LZ Granderson at TEDxGrandRapids

I'm sure you've heard a lot about the gay agenda but few outside of the gay community have actually seen it. Tired of living in secrecy, LZ Granderson is ignoring protocol and will not only talk about the exact content of the agenda but show audiences a copy of it.

Hello!

Oh, good. No one's started drinking yet.

Everyone's feeling kind of perky
and excited.

Good, for I hope you'll remember
what we talk about,

at least up to this point.

After that, you're on your own.

When I was about sixteen years old,

I can remember
flipping through channels at home,

during summer vacation,

looking for a movie to watch on HBO.

And how many of you remember
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Oh, yeah. Great movie, right?

Well, I saw Matthew Broderick
on the screen,

and so I thought, "Sweet!

Ferris Bueller. I'll watch this!"

It wasn't Ferris Bueller.
And forgive me, Matthew Broderick.

I know you've done other movies
besides Ferris Bueller,

but that's how I remember you.
You're Ferris.

But you weren't doing
"Ferrisy" things at the time.

You were doing gay things at the time.

He was in a movie
called Torch Song Trilogy.

And Torch Song Trilogy
was based on a play

about this drag queen,

who, essentially, was looking for love.

Love and respect.

That's what the whole film was about.

And, as I'm watching it, I'm realizing

that they're talking about me.

Not the drag queen part.

I'm not shaving my hair for anyone.

But the gay part,
the friendly love and respect,

the part about trying to find
your place in the world.

So, as I'm watching this,

I see this powerful scene
that brought me to tears,

and it's stuck with me
for the past 25 years.

And it's this quote
that the main character, Arnold,

tells his mother,

as they're fighting about who he is

and the life that he lives:

"There's one more thing
you'd better understand.

I have taught myself to sew,

cook, fix plumbing, build furniture.

I can even pat myself on the back,
when necessary.

Also, I don't have
to ask anyone for anything.

There's nothing I need from anyone,

except for love and respect,

and anyone who can't give me
those two things

has no place in my life."

I remember that scene
like it was yesterday.

I was sixteen, I was in tears,

I was in the closet

and I'm looking at these two people,

Ferris Bueller and some guy
I'd never seen before,

(Laughter)

fighting for love.

When I finally got to a place in my life

where I came out and accepted who I was

-- and was really quite happy,
to tell you the truth,

I was happily gay
and I guess that's supposed to be right,

because "gay" means "happy" too --,

I realized that a lot of people
weren't as gay as I was,

"gay" being "happy", not "gay" being

attracted to the same sex.

(Laughter)

In fact, I heard
that there was a lot of hate

and a lot of anger
and a lot of frustration

and a lot of fear about who I was

and the gay lifestyle.

Now, I'm sitting here
trying to figure out,

"the gay lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle".

And I keep hearing this word
over and over and over again,

"lifestyle", "lifestyle", lifestyle".

I've even heard a politicians say

that the gay lifestyle is a greater threat

to civilization than terrorism.

That's when I got scared!

(Laughter)

Because I'm thinking,

"If I'm gay,

and I'm doing something
that's going to destroy civilization,

I need to figure out what this stuff is

and I need to stop doing it right now!"

(Laughter)

So, I took a look at my life,

a hard look at my life,

and I saw some things very disturbing.

[The Super-Duper Evil Gay Lifestyle]
(Laughter)

And I want to begin sharing
these evil things

that I've been doing with you,

starting with my mornings.

(Laughter)

I drink coffee.

Not only do I drink coffee,

I know other gay people who drink coffee.

(Laughter)

I get stuck in traffic.

Evil, evil traffic!

Sometimes I get stuck
in lines at airports!

I look around and I go, "My God!

Look at all these gay people!

We're all trapped in these lines,

these long lines,
trying to get into the airplane!

My God! This lifestyle that I'm living

is so freaking evil!"

(Laughter)

I clean up.

This is not an actual photograph
of my son's room.

His is messier.

(Laughter)

And, because I have a fifteen-year-old,

all I do is cook, and cook, and cook.

Any parents out there of teenagers?

All we do is cook for these people!

They eat two, three, four dinners a night!

It's ridiculous! (Laughter)

This is the gay lifestyle.

And after I'm done cooking,

and cleaning, and standing in line,

and getting stuck in traffic,

my partner and I, we get together

and we decide that we're going to go

and have some wild and crazy fun.

(Laughter)

We're used to be in bed before we find out
who's eliminated on American Idol.

(Laughter)

We have to wake up
and find out the next day

who's still on,
because we're too freaking tired

to hear who stays on.

This is the super-duper,
evil gay lifestyle. (Laughter)

Run for your heterosexual lives, people!

(Laughter)

(Applause)

When my partner Steve and I
first started dating,

he told me the story about penguins.

And I didn't know
where he was going with it at first.

He was kind of a little bit nervous
when he was sharing it with me.

But he told me that,
when a penguin finds a mate

that they want to spend
the rest of their life with,

they present them with a pebble.

The perfect pebble.

And then he reaches into his pocket

and he brings this out to me.

And I looked at it and I was like,

"This is really cool."

And he says, "I want to spend
the rest of my life with you."

So, I wear this
whenever I have to do something

that makes me a little nervous,

like, I don't know, a TEDx talk. (Laughter)

I wear this when I am apart from him

for a long period of time,

and sometimes
I just wear it just because.

How many people out there are in love?

Anyone in love out there?

You might be gay.

(Laughter)

Because I too am in love

and, apparently,
that's part of the gay lifestyle

I warned you about. (Laughter)

(Applause)

You may want to tell your spouse,

who, if they're in love,
might be gay as well.

How many of you are single?

Any single people out there?

You too might be gay,

because I know some gay people
who are also single.

It's really scary, this gay lifestyle thing.

It's super-duper evil

and there's no end to it.

It goes and goes and engulfs [us].

It's really quite silly, isn't it?

That's why I'm so happy

to finally hear President Obama
come out and say...

(Applause) (Cheering)

that he supports marriage equality.

It's a wonderful day
in our country's history,

it's a wonderful day
in the globe's history

to be able to have
an actual sitting president

say "Enough of this",

first to himself and then
to the rest of the world.

It's wonderful.

But there's something
that's been disturbing me

since he made that remark
just a short time ago.

And that is, apparently,
this is just another move

by the gay activists that's
on the "Gay Agenda".

And I'm disturbed by this

because I have been openly gay now
for quite some time.

I've been to all of the functions.

I've been to fundraisers,

I've written about the topic

and I have yet to receive
my copy of this "Gay Agenda".

(Laughter)

I've paid my dues on time...

(Laughter)

I've marched in gay pride flags,

parades and the whole nine,

and I have yet to see
a copy of the "Gay Agenda".

I was very, very frustrated.

I was feeling left out
like I wasn't quite gay enough.

But then, something wonderful happened.

I was out shopping, as I tend to do,

and I came across a booklet copy

of the official Gay Agenda.

And I said to myself, "LZ, for so long,

you have been denied this.

When you get in front of this crowd,

you're going to share the news,

you're going to spread the Gay Agenda,

so no one else has to wonder,

'What exactly is in the Gay Agenda?'

'What are these gays up to?' (Laughter)

'What do they want?'"

So, without further ado,

I will present to you, ladies and gentlemen,

-- and be careful, because it's evil --

a copy, the official copy
of the Gay Agenda.

[Gay Agenda]
(Music)

The Gay Agenda, people!

(Applause) (Cheering)

There it is. Did you soak it all in?

The Gay Agenda!

Some of you may be calling it

"The Constitution of the United States"?

Is that what you call it too?

The US Constitution is the Gay Agenda.

These gays, people like me,

want to be treated like full citizens.

And it's all written down! In plain sight!

I was blown away when I saw it!

I was like, "Wait! Is this the Gay Agenda?

Why didn't you just call it
"The Constitution",

so I knew what you were talking about?

I wouldn't have been so confused!
I wouldn't have been so upset!"

But... there it is! The Gay Agenda.

Run for your heterosexual lives.

(Laughter)

Did you know that in all the states

where there is no shading,

people who are gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgendered

can be kicked out
of their apartments for being

gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

That's the only reason
that a landlord needs

to have them removed,

because there's no protection

from discrimination of GLBT people.

Did you know, in the states
where there is no shading,

that you can be fired

for being gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgendered,

not based upon the quality of your work,

how long you've been there,

if you stink?

Just if you're gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgendered.

All of which flies in the face
of the Gay Agenda,

also known as the US Constitution,

specifically this
little Amendment right here:

"No state shall make or enforce any law

which shall abridge
the privileges or immunities

of citizens of the United States."

I'm looking at you, North Carolina,

but you are not looking
at the US Constitution.

This is the Gay Agenda, equality.

Not special rights,

but the rights that have been
already written

by these people,

these elitists, if you will.

Educated, well dressed...

(Laughter)

Some would dare say
"Questionably dressed"...

(Laughter)

Nonetheless, our forefathers, right?

The people that, we say,
knew what they were doing

when they wrote the Constitution,

the Gay Agenda, if you will.

All of that flies on the face
of what they did.

That is the reason why

I felt it was imperative

that I presented you

with this copy of the Gay Agenda,

because I figured if I made it funny,

you wouldn't be as threatened.

I figured if I was a bit irreverent,

you wouldn't find it serious.

But when you see the map

and you see our state of Michigan,

it's legal to fire someone

for being gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgendered.

It's legal to remove someone
from their home

because they're gay, lesbian,
bisexual or transgendered.

But you'll realize
that this whole conversation

about marriage equality

is not about stripping
someone's rights away.

It's about granting them the rights

that have already been stated.

And we're just trying
to walk in those rights

that have already been stated,

that we have already agreed upon.

There are people living in fear

of losing their jobs!

So, they don't show anyone
who they really are!

Right here, at home.

This isn't just about North Carolina.

In all those states that were clear

it's legal.

If I could brag for a second,

I have a fifteen-year-old son,

from my marriage.

He has a 4.0.

He is starting a new club at school,

"Policy Debate".

He is a budding track star.

He has almost every single record
in middle school

for every event that he competed in.

He volunteers.

He prays before he eats.

I would like to think, as his father,

and he lives with me primarily,

that I have a little something
to do with all of that.

I would like to think
that he's a good boy,

a respectful young man.

I would like to think that I've proven

to be a capable father.

But if I were to go
to the state of Michigan today

and try to adopt a young person

who is in an orphanage,

I would be disqualified
for only one reason:

because I'm gay.

It doesn't matter
what I've already proven,

what I can do with my heart.

It's because of what the state
of Michigan says that I am

that I am disqualified
for any sort of adoption.

And that's not just about me.

That's about so many
other Michiganders, US citizens,

who don't understand why what they are

is so much more significant
than who they are.

This story just keeps playing

over and over and over again
in our country's history.

There was a time in which, I don't know,

people who were black
couldn't have the same rights.

People who happened to be women

didn't have the same rights:
they couldn't vote!

There was a point in our history

in which, if you were
considered disabled,

then an employer could just fire you,

before the
America's With Disabilities Act.

We keep doing this over and over again!

And so, here we are,

2012,

Gay Agenda,

gay lifestyle,

and I'm not a good dad,

and people don't deserve
to be able to protect their families,

because of what they are,

not who they are.

So, when you hear the words

"gay lifestyle" and "Gay Agenda"
in the future,

I encourage you to do two things.

One: remember the US Constitution.

And then, two: if you wouldn't mind

looking to your left, please.

Look to your right.

That person next to you
is a brother, is a sister,

and they should be treated
with love and respect.

Thank you.

(Applause)