I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire
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0:01 - 0:03When I was six years old,
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0:03 - 0:05our house caught fire,
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0:05 - 0:06and my mother died.
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0:07 - 0:09It was a cold February night in Michigan.
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0:09 - 0:11Our chimney had recently been fixed,
-
0:11 - 0:14so we had a warm fire going
in the fireplace. -
0:14 - 0:17My younger sister and I
were sitting next to our dog -
0:17 - 0:20and coloring with a brand-new box
of colored pencils, -
0:20 - 0:22when Mom said it was time for bed.
-
0:22 - 0:24We'd planned to go up north that night
-
0:24 - 0:26for a weekend of
snowmobiling and sledding, -
0:26 - 0:28but it was already dark
and snowing outside, -
0:28 - 0:31so we decided to leave
the next morning instead. -
0:31 - 0:34We went upstairs, brushed our teeth,
climbed into bed, -
0:34 - 0:37my sister's room right next to the stairs,
-
0:37 - 0:38and mine at the far end of the hallway.
-
0:39 - 0:41Our parents tucked us in
and kissed us good night -
0:41 - 0:44then left the door open just a crack,
-
0:44 - 0:46and the hallway light on,
as it always was. -
0:47 - 0:50In the middle of the night,
I woke up sweating, -
0:50 - 0:53confused because I couldn't see
that hallway light. -
0:53 - 0:55I started shouting for my parents
-
0:55 - 0:58until finally, I heard words
that I'll never forget: -
0:58 - 1:00"Dave, it's a fire!"
-
1:00 - 1:03We later found out
that our fire from earlier -
1:03 - 1:06had burned through an unrepaired
crack in the chimney, -
1:06 - 1:08causing the fireplace doors to explode
-
1:08 - 1:10and fire to just pour into
the living room. -
1:11 - 1:14I remember my mom running down
to my sister's room, -
1:14 - 1:16frantically searching for her
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1:16 - 1:18and finally finding her on the floor.
-
1:19 - 1:21I crawled after her on my hands and knees,
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1:21 - 1:23trying not to breathe in the smoke.
-
1:24 - 1:26I remember standing
next to my sister's room, -
1:26 - 1:29trying to turn on that hallway light,
-
1:29 - 1:30but it was already on;
-
1:30 - 1:33I just couldn't see it because
the smoke was so thick. -
1:35 - 1:38I remember feeling
the heat of the fire on my skin -
1:38 - 1:41and hearing the sound of it
as it climbed up the stairs. -
1:44 - 1:47My dad ran down to my bedroom window
as an escape route, -
1:47 - 1:50but it was February,
and it was frozen shut. -
1:50 - 1:54Eventually, he broke the window
and pried it open, -
1:54 - 1:57his arms and hands covered
in glass and cuts. -
1:58 - 2:01He lifted my sister and me
onto an awning under the window -
2:01 - 2:03and told us to shout for help.
-
2:03 - 2:04Not seeing my mom,
-
2:04 - 2:08he considered going back
into the fire to find her, -
2:08 - 2:11but after looking at my sister and me
huddled together on that roof -
2:11 - 2:14and knowing that neither of them
may make it out, -
2:14 - 2:16he stayed with us,
-
2:16 - 2:18calling her name
through the window instead. -
2:20 - 2:21After a few minutes,
-
2:21 - 2:25a man driving down the street
saw the smoke and fire, -
2:25 - 2:26drove onto our lawn,
-
2:26 - 2:28climbed onto the roof of his car
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2:28 - 2:30and told us to jump into his arms.
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2:30 - 2:32We'd never seen him before,
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2:32 - 2:33and even though he saved our lives,
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2:33 - 2:35we never saw him again.
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2:35 - 2:37We were brought over to a neighbor's house
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2:37 - 2:40while Dad continued to wait
on the roof for my mom, -
2:40 - 2:43reaching his arms and hands
through the window -
2:43 - 2:44and into the fire,
-
2:44 - 2:47calling her name over and over.
-
2:49 - 2:51He said later that when
the fire department arrived, -
2:51 - 2:55they carried him down the ladder
just as a lower-level window shattered -
2:55 - 2:57and burst into flames.
-
2:57 - 3:00It took the fire department
longer to find my mom. -
3:00 - 3:03She'd been on the floor
of my bedroom the entire time, -
3:03 - 3:06pinned down by a dresser
that had fallen on her leg. -
3:07 - 3:09We think she went back
to look for our dog, -
3:09 - 3:13but by the time the fire department
reached them it was too late. -
3:13 - 3:15She died on the way to the hospital.
-
3:17 - 3:19Dad was in critical condition,
-
3:19 - 3:23with smoke inhalation and burns
and cuts over a third of his body. -
3:24 - 3:25He spent nearly a month in the hospital,
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3:26 - 3:28unable to attend Mom's funeral
-
3:28 - 3:32and undergoing multiple,
excruciating skin graft surgeries. -
3:32 - 3:35My sister and I stayed
with a neighbor across the street, -
3:35 - 3:39but we would sit in front
of their living room window for hours, -
3:39 - 3:42just staring at the remains
of our burnt home. -
3:42 - 3:44After a few days, it became evident
-
3:44 - 3:47that we would need to go and stay
with some different family friends. -
3:49 - 3:51The next few years were tough.
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3:51 - 3:53As a single father of two young girls,
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3:53 - 3:55Dad did his very best to provide for us
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3:55 - 3:59as we all tried to grieve and recover.
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4:00 - 4:03We began to move on in this new reality.
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4:03 - 4:06Dad bought a new house down the street,
without a fireplace, -
4:06 - 4:08and eventually remarried.
-
4:08 - 4:10My sister and I excelled in school.
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4:10 - 4:11I was a cheerleader,
-
4:11 - 4:14and she rode horses
and played in the band. -
4:14 - 4:18But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching
nightmares that haunted me. -
4:19 - 4:21I would dream of fire,
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4:21 - 4:24of being trapped in fire with no escape.
-
4:24 - 4:26I remember, and even now I can feel,
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4:26 - 4:29the sheer panic
and the pressure in my chest. -
4:29 - 4:34Or worse were the dreams where
I was outside the fire watching it, -
4:34 - 4:36trying to save the people inside.
-
4:37 - 4:40I'd wake up gasping for breath,
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4:40 - 4:43tears running down my face and sobbing.
-
4:47 - 4:49When I was 15,
-
4:49 - 4:51a friend of mine
and a very talented artist, -
4:51 - 4:53painted two abstract portraits for me.
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4:53 - 4:55One was done in black and white
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4:55 - 4:58and depicted a scared girl
cowering in the corner of a room, -
4:58 - 5:00shadows surrounding her.
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5:00 - 5:03The other was a bursting rainbow of color;
-
5:03 - 5:05the girl was in the center of the page,
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5:05 - 5:06arms open and outstretched,
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5:06 - 5:09clearly full of joy and happiness.
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5:10 - 5:11He knew my past,
-
5:11 - 5:14and he knew that I was
conflicted and confused, -
5:14 - 5:16but he had also seen my potential
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5:16 - 5:19and wanted to show me what he already saw.
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5:19 - 5:22After a few years,
I realized that these two portraits -
5:22 - 5:25showed two completely different
paths before me: -
5:25 - 5:27a life of fear
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5:27 - 5:29or the promise and potential for recovery.
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5:30 - 5:33I had always been drawn
to that brighter, more colorful painting, -
5:33 - 5:35but I wasn't quite sure
what it meant for me -
5:35 - 5:40or how to transform my current mentality
into that kind of joy and happiness. -
5:40 - 5:43So outwardly, I moved on with life --
-
5:43 - 5:45graduated high school, went to college --
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5:45 - 5:47while inwardly,
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5:47 - 5:50I continued to bounce between
the highest of highs -
5:50 - 5:52and the lowest of lows,
-
5:52 - 5:55like a Ping-Pong ball
between those two portraits. -
5:56 - 6:00In 2004, I went backpacking
through Central America with a friend. -
6:00 - 6:02We spent our first week
on the island of Roatán, -
6:02 - 6:04off the coast of Honduras.
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6:04 - 6:06After a few days there,
my friend and I realized -
6:06 - 6:10that one of our new local friends
was a fire dancer. -
6:10 - 6:13Neither of us had ever seen
fire dancing before, -
6:13 - 6:15so one night, we decided to go see a show.
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6:17 - 6:20We watched, mesmerized,
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6:20 - 6:24as he and two friends
lit these props on fire, -
6:24 - 6:25threw them in the air
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6:25 - 6:27and spun them around their bodies.
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6:29 - 6:33Their moves were
deliberate and controlled, -
6:33 - 6:36yet still graceful
and flowing to the music. -
6:39 - 6:41I was completely entranced.
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6:42 - 6:45The next day, he offered to teach us
how to fire dance, or "spin" -- -
6:45 - 6:47without fire, of course.
-
6:47 - 6:49He showed us the difference
between a fire staff, -
6:49 - 6:53which is a long piece of wood
or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, -
6:53 - 6:57and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks
with chains and finger loops. -
6:58 - 7:01After that first time spinning poi,
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7:01 - 7:04I knew that this was a hobby
that I wanted to continue learning -
7:04 - 7:07in the hopes that maybe one day,
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7:07 - 7:11I might be brave enough
to try it with fire. -
7:12 - 7:14Now, I can guess what
people might be thinking: -
7:14 - 7:18How was I not terrified
and running in the opposite direction? -
7:18 - 7:20And honestly, I don't know.
-
7:21 - 7:24I think that perhaps being a cheerleader
and doing gymnastics and piano -
7:24 - 7:26while growing up,
-
7:26 - 7:29these activities were
very structured and prescribed, -
7:29 - 7:33whereas this type of flow art
seemed like a form of meditation -
7:33 - 7:34but with a focus on fire,
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7:34 - 7:38this thing that scared me
so deeply for my entire life. -
7:39 - 7:40After that first time practicing,
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7:40 - 7:43my friend and I cobbled together
our own sets of homemade poi -
7:43 - 7:46using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls.
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7:46 - 7:48We did not light shoelaces
and socks on fire, -
7:48 - 7:50we just used it for the practice part.
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7:50 - 7:52But after returning home to Michigan,
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7:52 - 7:56we decided to buy
our own sets of actual fire poi. -
7:56 - 7:57And after a few months,
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7:57 - 8:00we decided that we were ready
to light them on fire. -
8:01 - 8:03We bundled up in cotton layers,
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8:03 - 8:05got a fire extinguisher,
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8:05 - 8:06wet a towel for safety,
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8:06 - 8:08prepared our fuel,
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8:08 - 8:12gave each other a very energetic
pep talk and high five -
8:12 - 8:14and lit those poi on fire.
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8:16 - 8:18It was terrifying.
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8:19 - 8:21Half of my brain was freaking out
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8:21 - 8:24and thinking, "OK, wait --
maybe we need to think about this. -
8:24 - 8:26We should probably stop."
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8:26 - 8:29The sound of the fire
as it whooshed by my head -
8:29 - 8:30was incredibly loud
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8:30 - 8:32and brought me right back to my childhood.
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8:33 - 8:36But it was also incredibly exhilarating.
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8:38 - 8:41The other half of my brain,
the creative half, was thinking, -
8:41 - 8:45"I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer."
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8:46 - 8:47For anyone who spins,
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8:47 - 8:48there's a level of adrenaline
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8:48 - 8:51or that rush of fire dancing.
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8:51 - 8:55But as someone whose life
had been so greatly impacted by fire, -
8:55 - 8:58I also felt an immense sense
of empowerment -
8:58 - 9:01at being able to control
and manipulate fire. -
9:02 - 9:06I made a conscious decision
to step out of my grief. -
9:06 - 9:08It was not easy.
-
9:08 - 9:11There's a Nirvana lyric that says
"I miss the comfort of being sad," -
9:11 - 9:13and that was exactly it.
-
9:13 - 9:15I was in control of my sadness.
-
9:15 - 9:18I knew what it would bring to me,
and I knew what to expect, -
9:18 - 9:20but I also knew deep down that eventually,
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9:20 - 9:25I had to do that really hard work
of trying to heal from my past. -
9:25 - 9:28So I kept practicing.
-
9:28 - 9:31I took a plastic grocery bag,
cut it into strips, -
9:31 - 9:32tied it to the ends of those poi
-
9:32 - 9:37and used it to replicate the sound
of the fire as it went past my head. -
9:37 - 9:39And I kept lighting the poi on fire.
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9:40 - 9:42At some point, something shifted.
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9:42 - 9:44My perspective on fire dancing changed
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9:44 - 9:47from something that I was
apprehensive about -
9:47 - 9:50to something that brought me
a sort of peace. -
9:52 - 9:53Without realizing it,
-
9:53 - 9:56I had initiated my own form
of exposure therapy, -
9:56 - 9:58an actual type of psychotherapy
-
9:58 - 10:02where you deliberately expose yourself
to things that have caused you trauma -
10:02 - 10:04or scare you.
-
10:04 - 10:07I'd exposed myself to fire
in this very unique way -
10:07 - 10:10and had transformed what it meant to me.
-
10:11 - 10:12My nightmares slowed down
-
10:12 - 10:15and now, years later,
have stopped almost completely. -
10:16 - 10:20I started fire dancing not just for myself
but at events and performances. -
10:20 - 10:24I started a fire troop with friends
while living in Dubai, -
10:24 - 10:28created beautiful art with my sister
who became a photographer, -
10:28 - 10:30taught children how to spin
at birthday parties, -
10:30 - 10:33performed onstage and at festivals
-
10:33 - 10:36and even taught my own children
the basics of spinning. -
10:37 - 10:38And that's not to say
-
10:38 - 10:41that I don't still have
an apprehension to fire in general. -
10:41 - 10:44I can practice a move a million times,
-
10:44 - 10:45but then when I try it with fire,
-
10:45 - 10:49I feel that familiar panic
and tightening in my chest. -
10:50 - 10:53I'm still apprehensive about living
in a two-story house -
10:53 - 10:55or having a fireplace.
-
10:56 - 10:58Every night before I go to sleep,
-
10:58 - 11:01I clear a path between
my kids' bedroom doors, -
11:01 - 11:02our bedroom door
-
11:02 - 11:03and all the exit doors,
-
11:03 - 11:05in case we need to leave quickly.
-
11:05 - 11:06And it's taken me a long time
-
11:06 - 11:10to get on board with the idea
of closing bedroom doors at night -
11:10 - 11:12to slow down a fire,
-
11:12 - 11:15because I'd always thought if I closed
my kids' bedroom doors, -
11:15 - 11:18I might not be able to hear them
like my mom heard me. -
11:19 - 11:22And of course, this is my story.
-
11:22 - 11:24I can't say that I have the answer
-
11:24 - 11:26for someone with a different
kind of trauma. -
11:26 - 11:28If the situation had been reversed,
-
11:28 - 11:30and I'd lost a child in a fire,
-
11:30 - 11:33I'm not sure that fire dancing
would be the answer, -
11:33 - 11:36or if I'd even have the capacity
to get near fire again. -
11:36 - 11:39But what I can say from my own experience
-
11:39 - 11:42is that after experiencing
a trauma or hardship, -
11:42 - 11:45you have a choice between two paths.
-
11:45 - 11:49One path will lead you to a life of fear
and cowering in the darkness, -
11:49 - 11:52like that black-and-white painting
I described earlier. -
11:52 - 11:54You might move on with life,
but at the same time, -
11:54 - 11:57you're still clinging to that sadness
that brings you comfort. -
11:58 - 12:01The other path, stepping out of grief,
-
12:01 - 12:03will not change or undo anything.
-
12:04 - 12:05It will be hard.
-
12:05 - 12:07It will always be hard,
-
12:07 - 12:12with high mountains
and deep, dark valleys. -
12:13 - 12:16But this path looks forward
and moves forward. -
12:17 - 12:19When I learned to dance with fire,
-
12:19 - 12:22I learned to reconcile
the traumatic part of my life -
12:22 - 12:26with the totality of my life
as it was still unfolding. -
12:27 - 12:29Fire became more than just trauma
-
12:29 - 12:31but beauty and art as well,
-
12:31 - 12:34everything, all at once, just like life,
-
12:34 - 12:36flickering and smoldering
-
12:36 - 12:39and burning and dazzling,
-
12:40 - 12:45and somehow, in the middle of it,
finding a way to dance ... -
12:45 - 12:46me.
-
12:46 - 12:48Thank you.
- Title:
- I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire
- Speaker:
- Danielle Torley
- Description:
-
After losing her mother in a house fire when she was just six years old, Danielle Torley saw two paths before her: a life full of fear, or one that promised healing and recovery. In this inspiring talk, she describes how she turned her grief into beauty in a most unexpected way -- by dancing with fire.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:02
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Leslie Gauthier edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire | ||
Leslie Gauthier edited English subtitles for I stepped out of grief -- by dancing with fire |