Cynicism Decoded (How Cynicism Helps You and Hurts You)

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We all know a person,

maybe that person is you,

who opposes, denies and doubts.

Who has no faith in human goodness,

who is so pessimistic and so skeptical

that it seems like they
either have no belief in

or maybe even an animosity towards
or contempt for pleasure,

hope,

faith and positivity.

Society calls this a cynic.

I'm not here today to sell you
on the concept of positivity.

It's a really outdated concept.

Especially just fighting against
pessimism with optimism.

What i'm here to do today

is to make the argument that
cynicism is not a character trait.

It's a coping mechanism.

To cope is to make a specific alteration

mentally, emotionally or physically

so that you can manage or adapt
to something that's causing you stress.

A coping mechanism is a specific
procedure, process or technique

which manages or creates
adaptation to stress.

And therefore it is
the opposite of change.

Because it is to adapt to a stressor,

rather than to change a situation
so that there is no longer a stressor.

To understand this more in depth,
watch my video titled:

How to Let Go of A Coping Mechanism

Cynicism is a coping mechanism

that most likely saved your life

at one time.

It's also a coping mechanism

that can destroy your life.

And it makes other people

end up in so much pain

that it actually creates a vicious spiral

of self-fulfilling prophecy.

To understand this pattern of cynicism,

we have to go back to the onset
of this coping mechanism

to begin with.

Because people are not born
cynics and skeptics.

When was the last time you met
a cynical or skeptical, baby?

If you are cynical

at some point in your life or many,

most likely many,

you experienced catastrophic letdown.

Catastrophic sudden shocks

or disappointments relative
to the positive elements of your life.

For example, a situation or many

that caused a catastrophic
blow to your belief in others,

hopes, dreams, goals, trust,

faith, desires or expectations.

This experience was so psychologically,

so emotionally

and maybe even so physically
traumatizing to you,

that you decided

that at all costs you had to avoid

the vulnerability of positivity.

Essentially you got into
that situation and decided that

positivity, state of positivity
puts you in such a vulnerable state,

that you had to buffer yourself
against that for all time and eternity.

No matter the cost.

As a result,

you started to use negativity

as this way of buffering yourself

against the vulnerability
and the positive states.

But this negativity,

other people on the outside
perceive to be so painful

that it causes them to go into defense

and to start to act hostile.

That's what defense mode does,
causes you to be hostile, right?

And that hostility

further reinforced your belief
that you had to buffer yourself,

which makes them even more hostile,

which reinforces your cynical behavior,

which makes them more hostile,

which reinforces your cynicism.

And this is the spiral
that just keeps on going

and we could consider
self-fulfilling prophecy.

It is ultimately your right
to remain cynical towards the world.

In fact, you have every excuse to be.

The reality is,

There's no reason,
given your life experience,

for you to feel optimistic.

There is no reason
given your life experience

to be trusting.

So you have all the reason
you want in the world to stay cynical.

that's completely your choice
and actually your right.

The thing is, is that this state of being

may just be preventing you
from the very life of well-being

that you are meant to come here to live.

Living in a constant state
of pessimism and letdown

is not really living.

It's also a coping mechanism,

much like positive bypassing,

smoking, cutting, gambling or suppression.

For example.

For this reason

if you are interested in letting go
of the coping mechanism of cynicism

I've got some suggestions.

#1:

Be brave enough to see
what you're getting out of cynicism.

I don't mean this
in this obnoxious self-help way

or like: "What are you getting
out of this horrible behavior?"

No, I mean like really look at:
"How does it keep you safe?"

How is it benefiting you?

Because it definitely is,
otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.

Is it true that it's causing you pain?

Is it true is ruining your life? Yes!

But it's also benefiting you somehow.

What is that way?

When you feel hurt
and afraid and disappointed

but you can't face
those emotions directly,

you turn against the world
and begin to push things away.

We use cynicism to make sure
we never ever get our hopes up,

only to be let down again.

Essentially we disappoint ourselves

before the world can ever do it for us.

But cynicism paints the lens
you see the world through dark

and it also separates you
from genuine awareness.

Whenever you have an antagonistic
perspective about something

that someone else feels positive about

or whenever you want to deny
or doubt or feel pessimism creeping in,

stop caring about whether
you're right or wrong.

Guess what?

You might be either.

You might be very right.

You also might be wrong.

It doesn't matter.

Whether you're right or wrong

shouldn't stop you from being able
to step back and ask yourself:

"All right...

In this situation,

how is this pessimism...

How is my:

"Yeah, right, that's not going to happen"
actually serving me?

What is it protecting me from?

How is it keeping me safe
in this specific situation?"

For example,

let's say that you sit down
to dinner with a friend and they're like:

"You know, what?

I feel like this next year
is gonna be great."

And you can feel yourself going:

"This person is an optimistic idiot".

Notice yourself having that reaction.

And really think about it.

"All right,

what does believing
that this person is an idiot

and believing that next year
is going to be crappy,

do for me?

What is it preventing me
from experiencing?

How is this keeping me safe?"

#2:

You're gonna have to
see yourself as a scapegoater.

Now, this should be
extremely painful for you.

Why? Because most people
who turn into skeptics

were actually scapegoats
in their family dynamics.

And you know how painful that was

to always be made the problem
even when you weren't the problem.

Why do I say that you're a scapegoater?

Because instead of making the person
who let you down the problem,

You made the fact that you got
your hopes up, the problem.

You scapegoated positivity.

Many cynics do this
scapegoating of the positive

so as to preserve their relationships

with the very people who cause
them the trauma in the first place.

In other words, it isn't
dad that's the problem,

it's that I got my hopes up,
that's the problem.

That way I can control
not getting hurt again.

Not having the solution be in dad's hands

and still hang out and be close to dad,

without there being
a problem between us

and still feel a sense of belonging.

Moving beyond cynicism
is about getting really real.

I mean deeply into reality

about what the real problem was and is,

instead of the scapegoat

of the hope or the faith or the optimism

or whatever else it is
you've been scapegoating.

Getting into reality about what
the real problem was and is

so that you can create
real solutions to it.

So...

What was the real problem

relative to things not coming to fruition?

Hopes and our expectations
not being fulfilled,

disappointments and negative trends.

You gotta do this rather than
scapegoat the optimism,

scapegoat the positivity,

scapegoat the hope
or the positive expectations

#3:

Recognize that you set out
to prove everything wrong

so as to not feel so wrong yourself.

If you prove everything else wrong,

you're not wrong, right?

Many skeptics feel like in life

other people either made or
tend to make everything their fault.

So if they prove that
the fault lies with other things

and people in the external,

they don't have to feel

that deep down fear
that everything is their fault.

This is the insecurity
that you can't face.

Anything outside facing
this insecurity is avoidance.

And this is the real reason
why it doesn't work

to argue with a cynic or a skeptic.

And if you're a cynic or a skeptic,

it doesn't work for you
to argue with people

and for people to argue with you.

Why? Because when you do this

it simply reinforces
this original wound of:

"You're wrong!"

#4:

If you are a cynic,

you're going to have to accept

a very vulnerable truth about yourself...

And that truth about yourself

is deeply hidden

under all the ways
you act towards other people.

I mean all the ways you act
are basically used to disguise

the truth of you.

Which is that deep down

your ultimate need is kindness.

What you really want is kindness,

but you would never
dare reveal this vulnerability

or set yourself up to have
your hopes dashed again,

and so you would never admit to it

or ask for kindness directly.

If you're a skeptic,

you tend to isolate yourself.

You tend to push people away

and give the impression that you
don't really need or want other people.

This isn't true.

As a cynic

you don't want to be alone
anymore than anyone else does.

It's just that you associate
people with pain.

You want a relationship that feels good

and feels like ease

with people who are kind and
considerate and who really value you

and don't let you down.

Here's the thing;

Your cynicism which is this
coping mechanism that you've developed,

it hurts other people.

They associate you with pain.

Right now to be
in a relationship with you,

they have to be willing to be hurt,

they have to be willing to be kicked,

they have to be willing to be pricked.

You're perpetuating the very cycle

that hurt you in the first place.

So what are people going to do

when they're so wounded by you?

Because this behavior hurts people,

that's what it does.

They don't want to be around it.

If you want society to change,

you can't be sitting there

waiting for them to change first,

so that you can change.

If you want to have people
in your life who are kind

and who are considerate,

and who value you

and who don't let you down,

those are going to be the qualities

that you've got to offer other people.

Currently all people feel is stupid
and wrong and unvalued by you.

This means they can't
really share themselves.

This means they can't
really develop intimacy with you.

I want you to sit with this for a minute.

Sit with the truth of this
and sit with how sucky it may be.

What I mean by that is:

Sit with the idea of:

"How can I make myself
safer and more pleasant

for other people to be around?"

Ultimately, do you want
them to feel good around you

or do you want them
to feel like crap around you?

If you want them to
feel like crap around you,

you can continue doing
what you're doing.

But most likely when you sit with this
you're going to be like:

"Yeah, I would like
if people feel safe around me,

I would like if they feel like
i'm kind and considerate."

Okay, so how might you act in a way

that gives them that feeling around you?

And also sit with
the side of you that's like:

"This sucks!

I don't want to have to be the first
person to give this crap to people

when they're not giving
the same thing to me."

I want you to sit with
your resistance to doing this.

And also the part that
may be interested in doing this.

The thing you're going to have to swallow

regardless of what you do
relative to this point,

is that you're going to have to accept
that the impression you give off

is that you don't want and need

exactly what it is that you want and need.

And that's not a recipe for getting
what you want and need.

#5:

Most cynics come from families

where there's already a problem
with happiness to begin with,

regardless of what is said.

Now, why do I mention this?

Because it's quite common
in dysfunctional families

for a parent to say something like:

"All I ever cared about
was your happiness."

When in reality,

any time the kid got happy,

the parent turned it against them.

The parent got frustrated.

The parent called them selfish.

Whenever the kid got its hopes up,

the kid got shamed
for getting its hopes up.

So even though the narrative
in a household may be:

"I cared about your happiness",

really there was an in general issue

with positive emotional states in general.

If you're a cynic

the vulnerability of positivity
is what you're trying to avoid.

For this reason,
it's critical to understand

your negative association
with positivity and happiness.

And see that positive emotion

could in and of itself
be a trigger for you.

Negating anything positive

is how many cynics control
their rather wounded

and therefore fragile emotional system

by maintaining a predictable feeling
of negative or monotone

so as to create predictability.

It's a "no real dramatic ups and downs

if I keep myself at a predictably
low emotional altitude" thing.

But this is not the life
you came here to live.

It is also not a recipe for fulfillment.

To understand this dynamic fully,

watch my video titled:

When Happiness Is A Bad Thing

#6:

Be brave enough
to look at the wounding

that is hiding underneath
this coping mechanism.

This means you're going to
have to be attuned

to the subtle negative
emotional trigger you have,

as a result of positive things.

Like people telling you good news,

or feeling hope creep up in you

towards what might happen
in this new relationship,

or, you know... Anything that stirs

any kind of positive expectation in you.

You can use this discomfort that arises

as well as any accompanying thoughts like:

"This person's only doing this
for their own self gratification".

or: "That's never going to work out"
or: "The world's going to shit anyways"

as a doorway to this original experience.

And this way,

you can create resolve
with that original experience

which changes your world today.

To do this,

I want you to use
The Completion Process

Doing this process will help you
to answer the question:

"When did I experience a trauma

in which my faith in people
or my positive goals

or hopes or expectations
or faith was dashed?"

When did I feel totally blindsided?

When did I become disillusioned?

What painful disappointment
was too much for me to resolve?

To learn how to do this process

you can pick up a copy
of my book titled quite literally:

The Completion Process o

r visit:
thecompletionprocess.com

And select a practitioner
to lead you through it.

You can also watch my video titled:

How To Heal The Emotional Body

And because disappointment is so often
the deep wound beneath cynicism,

it would benefit you
to watch my video titled:

Disappointment
(How To Get Over Disappointment)

as well.

#7:

Like so many of
the best coping mechanisms,

by this point

it has wound itself
into your self-concept

so as to make it a part
of your self-esteem

and therefore ego.

Your self-esteem and self-concept

is dependent upon cynicism now.

If you're a cynic

you maintain the coping mechanism

partly because you tell yourself
that being cynical or skeptical

makes you more intelligent,

more experienced and worldly,

i.e. better.

Your sense of superiority is derived

from seeing what you call

the harsh reality of others in the world.

You tend to drive self-esteem
through how dumb

and innocent and naive and inexperienced

you think others are
when they're positive.

The reality is when you experience
this original letdown

you didn't just turn against
and scapegoat positivity,

you also turned against yourself.

Instead of making the real problem,

the problem which was the person
who let you down, for example,

you made yourself the problem.

"I'm such a freaking idiot

for getting my hopes up
in the first place."

Now whenever you see anyone else

who mirrors that original
way that you were

when you had your hopes up
at that moment,

it triggers you to respond to that person

the same way you responded to yourself:

"You're a naive freaking idiot."

This probably means that
some work needs to be done

about that little part of you
that got its hopes up,

that had faith and optimism

and positive expectations for the future.

#8:

Start the practice of 'And Consciousness.

And Consciousness is by far a better idea

to include as your self-concept

or part of your self-concept,

than cynicism.

Because it's far deeper in reality.

In fact.

Reality is comprised of polarities.

And Consciousness is a state of mind

where you develop the ability
to hold space for extremes.

This is an extremely important part
of the development

of both mental and emotional maturity.

In the moment we acknowledge
a contradictory truth or state of being

and expand wide enough
to be able to hold both

as if holding both is okay,

we have disidentified
from both extremes.

We've ceased to become either or

and instead have become
the thing that is holding both.

Reality includes both
positive and negative.

Both faith and doubt.

The most conscious person in the world

is not a person who uses
one to negate the other.

Or who recognizes one
and not the other.

It's a person who is able to hold both

as a picture of the reality.

In other words,

it's not any more aware of a person

to be only aware of the negative,

than it is aware of a person
to be only aware of the positive.

#9:

If you're a cynic, you're going to
have to swallow the fact

that you are relationally traumatized.

What is relational trauma?

It is trauma that occurs
within the context

of interpersonal relationships.

And that's you.

Whenever trauma happens
in interpersonal relationships

a person loses their
sense of trust in others.

Guess what?

You're a deeply distrustful person
for a very good reason

and anybody who tells you:
"You just need to start trusting people"

is not in reality.

Because to just decide
with your free will to trust someone,

isn't actually possible.

But...

Trust in relationships is a key
component of relationship success

and also personal happiness.

This means it's time to master trust.

To understand how to do this

or to take your first two steps,

watch two of my videos.

The first is:

Trust (What is Trust & How to
Build Trust In Relationships)

The second is:

How to Create A Safe Relationship

#10:

As a cynic

you are trying harder to buffer yourself

from suffering and pain,

than you are trying to really see truth

or see reality as it is.

That being said,

I think one of the very best
things about you

is that unlike a lot of people

you actually genuinely
do have a desire for reality.

You want to be in reality.

I consider this

a crazy awesome trait.

You may be currently
leaving the picture of positivity

out of the picture of reality,

but you want reality nonetheless.

And you're more brave than most

when it comes to seeing those
unsavory elements of reality.

The opposite polarity from the one
that most people want to look at.

You have broken out of many
patterns of ignorance and falsehood

and discovered more of what is real

and you have seen the genuine
problems in this world.

This knowledge can give you power in fact.

After all, your only access
of power is to be in reality.

So I want you to ask yourself:

What have you become
disillusioned with and why?

What is that disillusionment showing you

that you do want?

And how might you take steps

in the direction of creating
what you do want?

Once you have that answer,
do those things.

For example,

if the issue with the world
is that people aren't kind,

and if you had to be the one
to show people by example

what it looked like to be kind,

what would you think say and do?

As a skeptic your negative assessments
are a defense against suffering.

You are deeply afraid
of expecting anything

that turns out to be less
than what you want or expect.

You spend your life disappointing yourself

and letting yourself down
and countering hope and faith

before the world can do it for you.

This was a brilliant strategy,

but all brilliant strategies

can wind up being
the very thing that harms you.

In your case, the very thing
committing you to a painful life.

I'm not here today
to make a case for positivity.

I'm not here today to convince you
that the world is good

or the people are good,
because let's face it...

You have so much proof
to the opposite, it's almost ridiculous.

What i'm here today to do
is to make a case

that you're living in a coping mechanism.

Not in reality.

And it just so happens
to be a coping mechanism

that is preventing you from living
the life you actually came here to live.

Have a good week.

If you liked this video,

be sure to share it, like it,
and also subscribe to my channel

so you can see more content like this.

But I want to personally thank you
for taking the initiative

and having the bravery
to step into the space of awareness

not only for yourself,
but for the benefit of those around you.

Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte