Why you need to be a bitch | Tabatha Coffey | TEDxStLouisWomen

Tabatha Coffey speaks to the importance of being true to yourself and owning it. Tabatha Coffey has devoted her professional life to achieving excellence, as a successful business woman, company owner, hair dresser, educator, motivational speaker and business consultant. Drawing on her years of hands-on experience, Tabatha traveled the country helping struggling business owners turn their lives and businesses around for five season’s of Bravo’s, Tabatha Takes Over. With her signature edgy style, tough love approach and exceptional skills as an artist and as a business woman, Tabatha is without question the golden girl of small businesses. She proves that her professional instincts transcend the realm of beauty and can transform owners and staffs across all kinds of businesses.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

My name is Tabatha Coffey,

and I am a bitch.

(Laughter)

That's right, you heard it here first.

So ...

Show me your hands,
who thinks they are a bitch?

(Laughter)

Oh, we need to work on that.

By the end of this talk,

I want every hand up and proud
in this audience, all of you.

So ten years ago,

I was lucky enough
to fall into television,

and I say I fell into it
because I really did.

I tried out for a competitive show
that put hairdresser against hairdresser.

And it was rough;

it was 12 weeks
living away from your business,

away from your family,

locked in a house with 11 strangers.

You were with them 24/7.

It was an amazing experience;

I loved it.

And I am incredibly competitive,
like most of you.

When it was over,

I went home,

went back to my business,
went back on with my life.

And a couple of weeks went by,

and my clients were all thrilled
that I was on TV and I was competing.

Couple of more weeks went by,

and probably around four weeks in,

I was in Nordstrom
buying a pair of shoes.

And across the mall,

a woman looked and went,
"Oh, my god! You are that bitch on TV!"

(Laughter)

I did not laugh as all of you are -

I do now, but not then,
it was not so funny.

I was absolutely mortified,

and -

Look, it's not the first time
I've been called a bitch,

it is definitely not
going to be the last time,

but from a stranger that recognized me

and was yelling across the mall
that I was the bitch on TV

really stopped me in my tracks.

It was just amazing.

Well, it did not just happened once;
it kept happening,

and happening,

and happening

and happening.

And I went down the rabbit hole
of reading the blogs

and reading what people
were saying about me.

And there were literally thousands
of people that were calling me a bitch.

And to say that it was paralyizing
is putting it mildly.

I was paralyzed by it.

Because ...

I am tough,

and I am honest,

and I am strong,

and I am all the qualities
that we all should have

to be a successful business woman.

But I did not view myself
as a bitch whatsoever.

So, I had to sit down and really reflect

on what happened and why people
were calling me a bitch

and why people were thinking
that it was okay

to go up to a complete stranger
and go, "You are that bitch!"

(Laughter)

I know now that it is kind of cool

to be a bitch.
(Laughter)

Right? Now it is kind of cool.

But even though it is cool now,

and we say to our friends,
"Hey bitch, how you doin'?"

(Laughter)
Right?

We "hashtag" on Instagram:
"Bitch an outfit," right?

We throw the word around

like it means nothing.

But if any of you have been called a bitch

by someone -

whether you know them,

whether it is a colleague,
whether it is a friend,

whether it is a random stranger -

it hurts.

There is a moment that it feels
like a knife going into your heart.

And it hurts.

The thing that's interesting,
and we talk about it all the time;

there are books about it,

there are songs about it.

If you are a strong woman,

if you speak with authority,

if you don't bow down to people,

if you speak your mind,

if you have a healthy dose of ego,

if you are really confident
and really, really passionate,

you are a bitch.

But those qualities in a man
make him a go-getter,

a great executive,

someone you want on the team,

someone really dependable
that would take care of a problem.

Maybe even the president.

(Laughter)

Yep.

(Applause)

But those qualities in us,
as women, get us called bitches.

The bigger problem to me with that
is that we do it to each other.

We call each other bitches.

And it is not in the cute Instagram way
of "Bitch an outfit!"

"I am with my bitches."

It is not in the cute way.

(Laughter)

It is in the mean let-me-tear-you-down-
and-put-you-in-your-box kind of way.

Because that word -

and I've looked, and I've searched -

there is not an equivalent for men;

there isn't.

And it is supposed to dim your light,

and make you not as confident,

and make you stop and second-guess
yourself a little bit,

and wonder if you
are doing the right thing:

"Should I be doing
something else? I don't know."

That's what it does to your head.

And we can laugh it off,
as we are now,

but we still now it hurts.

And when we do it to our sisters,

and I mean our sisterhood of women,

it is wrong.

How many times
have you walked out of a meeting,

walked away from
maybe doing school pickup,

or going out to a cocktail party,
and there is woman there,

and walked away and said,
"Oh, she is such a bitch!"

When really, maybe she wasn't.

Maybe she was just a little bit
more honest than you,

maybe she just demanded what she wanted

and made no apologies or excuses for it.

Is she a bitch because she has
a better pair of shoes than you?

Is that why you are calling her a bitch?

Is that why we do it to each other,
because we are a little jealous

and we want to cut each other
down a little bit?

Because we are not helping each other,

we need to promote
growth and gain over gossip.

We need to stop cutting
each other down as women.

When I look at every single woman,

and I have met hundreds of thousands

because I've been
a hairdresser for 36 years

and had women in my chair
every single time.

And the reason I am
so passionate about what I do

is because I understand.

I don't understand men as well,

because I am not one.

But women,

I understand us,
I understand our insecurities,

I understand how hard we work,

I understand that everyone wants us
to be perfect all the time,

and it is really, really exhausting.

I understand that when we go on a date,
or we go to a party,

or we go to a work event,

or we just get up in the morning,

there is pressure on us.

And that's without
adding children and husbands

and all the other people
that are grabbing at us all the time.

I get that!

So when I look at one of my sisters,

why am I going to call her a bitch?

It's like calling me a bitch.

You are doing it to yourself.

When you look at another woman,
you are looking in the mirror.

And let me tell you,

the fact that we are women,

and we can produce life -

because there are literally wouldn't be
any of us sitting here without a woman ...

True! -

is extraordinary.

That is extraordinary.

To overcome being called
a bitch all the time,

I like to face my fears.

The way I dissolve them

is to look right down the barrel at them
and just take care of them.

So after my reflection,

I came up with an acronym
for what my version of bitch is.

And it's Brave,

Intelligent,

Tenacious,

Creative,

and Honest.

And I defy anyone in this room,

men or women, that does not
want those qualities in their life.

Every single woman in here,
and every single man,

we are brave; you don't need to
go and slay dragons,

sometimes it is just brave
to get out of bed in the morning

and face your day.

We are warriors.

Intelligence to me is not about
college degrees and book-smarts,

that's part of it,
but there is also intuition;

there is understanding;

there is nurturing and knowing
when to nurture and when to pull back.

They are qualities
that, women, we excel at.

Being tenacious, obviously,

have you ever messed with a woman's kid?

I mean, seriously?

We are tenacious;
if we want something, we don't stop.

What about that pair of shoes
you are lusting after?

And you can't afford them,

but miraculously, the money shows up,
and you got new kicks on.

(Laughter)

That's tenacity, right there!

Creative is just
looking at things differently;

we are great at that as women.

We are the best multitaskers
there are: we are creative.

We find ways to not only
find this money for that pair of shoes -

creatively, to come out of nowhere -

but also how to juggle different
schedules, take care of things;

that's innate in most of us.

And honest is how I think
we all should live our life.

And to me that honesty
is being honest enough,

instead of turning around
and calling one of my sisters a bitch,

is to look and say,

"You know what?
I am a little jealous of her.

Because what she has going on
is a whole lot of fabolous,

and I want a little bit of it."

"You know what?

I didn't get that job,

or I didn't get that gig
that I really wanted.

She did. Kudos to her.
How can I learn from that?

How can I be better?

How can I learn from what she did
to elevate myself,

instead of looking and go, 'Bitch.'"

That is not going to elevate any of us.

That is not going to solve the problems
that I believe we as women can solve.

So, if you take my acronym

of being Brave, Intelligent,
Tenacious, Creative, and Honest,

I encourage you all
to think about that in every choice,

and the next time someone
says to you, "You are a bitch,"

smile and say, "Yes,
thank you very much. I am.

And I am the best damn bitch I can be."

Thank you, Saint Louis.

(Applause)