-
[Loud musical flourish]
-
[Man's voice] Listen up!
-
Here are ten traits
of toxic parents,
-
who ruin their kids' lives.
-
Psychologists
and child behavior specialists
-
can differentiate ungrateful kids
-
from those who have been victims
of a toxic influence.
-
For example:
-
Clinical psychologists
Seth Meyers and Preston Ni
-
explain how
the actions of some parents
-
can ruin the lives
of their children.
-
Now, first of all,
it's worth mentioning
-
that raising children
is very difficult,
-
and no one has the right
to judge
-
someone's particular
parenting style.
-
But, there is a fine line
between mistakes parents make,
-
and the inappropriate behavior
of toxic,
-
or, in other words,
narcissistic parents.
-
This video
will help you find out
-
what actually affects
a child's psyche,
-
and teach those who
have toxic parents
-
how they can deal
with this issue.
-
Before we specify
the main traits
-
of toxic parents,
-
let's talk about
the effect they have
-
on their kids.
-
When raised by
narcissistic parents,
-
children:
-
Don't feel
loved, heard, or seen.
-
Believe that how they look
is more important
-
than who they really are
as a person.
-
Don't feel support
when they try to develop
-
their true self.
-
Don't know how to trust.
-
Suffer from slowed down
emotional development,
-
or none at all.
-
Have a constant, nagging feeling
of not being good enough,
-
throughout their whole life.
-
Don't have role models
to teach them
-
how to connect
emotionally.
-
Have difficulties becoming independent
-
from their parents,
when they grow up.
-
Will most likely suffer
-
from depression, anxiety,
-
or post traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD)
-
when they become adults.
-
Will most likely
grow up into an adult
-
that's either
a self-saboteur,
-
or a person
ready to sacrifice everything
-
to achieve high goals.
-
These are just
some consequences
-
narcissistic parenting
can have on kids.
-
Now, let's take
a closer look
-
at the traits of those
who bring their children up
-
in a toxic environment.
-
Counting down
from number ten.
-
"Fear me, yet love me."
-
For toxic parents,
an emotional attack
-
is synonymous
with love and attention.
-
In such families,
kids can immediately tell
-
what mood their
parents are in
-
by the sound
of dropped keys,
-
or the scrape of
footsteps on the porch.
-
These children live
In constant fear
-
and apprehension.
-
Toxic parents like this
often get offended
-
if their kind actions
are treated with suspicion.
-
They claim,
-
"I've done everything for you!
-
Yet, you're still so ungrateful!"
-
Number nine.
-
You need to deal with
adult problems,
-
but you still
have no rights.
-
In toxic families,
-
parents share
their responsibilities
-
with their children.
-
For example:
-
These kids probably believe
that it's specifically
-
their bad behavior
that makes their father
-
abuse alcohol
to calm himself down.
-
Later,
children will even
-
get dragged into
adult scandals.
-
They'll grow up
into teenagers
-
forced to listen
to their parents' complaints,
-
adjust to a complicated situation,
-
put themselves in
their parents' shoes,
-
and help, tolerate,
and console them.
-
Sadly, though,
even in these cases,
-
kids have no right
to express their opinion.
-
Number eight.
-
"Be the best,
-
but don't forget
-
that you're not special."
-
Narcissistic parents
-
expect their children to perform
at the highest level.
-
More often than not,
-
they're just trying to
overcompensate
-
for their own failures.
-
Whether they wanted to build
a prestigious career,
-
or dreamed of becoming
a professional athlete,
-
they lacked some qualities
necessary
-
to succeed in these
activities.
-
However, even if their kid
performs much better
-
than they did,
'once upon a time,'
-
all of the child's achievements
are taken for granted.
-
Belittling comments
can truly ruin a kid's life,
-
because it makes them grow up
believing that they're
-
a permanent disappointment
to their parents.
-
Number seven.
-
'Open up to me,
-
but don't be surprised
by ridicule.'
-
Toxic parents
-
force their children
to be sincere,
-
and, sometimes,
even make them feel guilty,
-
if they don't want to share
their feelings.
-
Later, though,
-
that same personal information
is used against the kids.
-
For example:
-
The parents
-
might not see anything wrong,
whatsoever,
-
in telling all the relatives,
neighbors, and family friends
-
that deeply sensitive information
-
the child was pressured
into disclosing.
-
Or, perhaps, a kid
gives their parents
-
an opportunity to
yell at them,
-
or react sarcastically,
-
to whatever they've
opened up about.
-
Number six.
-
"You're bad,
-
so don't even bother
-
trying to become
better."
-
The lower a child's
self esteem is,
-
the easier it is
to control them.
-
Therefore,
toxic parents
-
eagerly discuss
their child's failures, and flaws.
-
In most cases,
-
they also comment
on their child's appearance,
-
because it's one of
the touchiest subjects
-
for teenagers,
and even for younger kids.
-
If there are no
obvious flaws,
-
they just make them up.
-
They might even make
unfavorable comparisons
-
between their son or daughter,
-
and the children of
their friends, neighbors, or co-workers.
-
These types of parents
-
instill an inferiority complex
in their kids,
-
since they don't
want to see their kid
-
try new things,
and succeed.
-
Their narcissistic self-love
-
generates fear
-
at the thought of their child
-
becoming better, smarter,
-
and more successful
than they are.
-
In other words,
-
their own self-esteem
is challenged,
-
so they try to keep
their children down, too.
-
Number five.
-
'You can be successful,
-
but only if
there's something in it for me.'
-
Of course,
-
these parents
do want their kids to succeed,
-
just as long
as it benefits them, personally.
-
For example:
-
They expect their kid
to build a successful career,
-
but only in a field
-
they've given their
stamp of approval.
-
When it comes down to it,
-
a narcissistic parent
-
will get excited about
their child's achievements
-
for two reasons only:
-
They enjoy boasting about
their kid's success,
-
so that others envy them;
-
and, a successful child
-
is a guaranteed
better life for parents.
-
Even if their kid
truly feels satisfaction with his job,
-
if it doesn't meet
those two criteria,
-
his toxic parents
-
will incessantly discourage him.
-
They don't even care
-
if he's found
personal success and happiness.
-
Number four.
-
'Do exactly what I say,
-
but it's your fault
if you fail.'
-
In this case,
-
parents treat their child
like an object.
-
They make all the plans,
-
and expect their kids
to follow along.
-
Oh, and they're not too worried
-
about the consequences
-
of having total control
all the time.
-
If something goes wrong,
it's not their fault, of course.
-
It's their kid's
blundering mistake.
-
Number three.
-
'You're such
an inconvenience,
-
but don't leave me alone.'
-
In healthy families,
-
parents encourage their kids
-
to move out,
and live their own life.
-
Toxic parents,
on the other hand,
-
never want to let
their kids go.
-
Yet, they're always
pointing out
-
that the house, the money,
and the food
-
belongs to them.
-
Any options
or objections
-
from their grown children
-
are completely ignored.
-
What do these parents
really want?
-
Their secret desire
-
is to make their obedient children
stay by their side.
-
Number two.
-
'Accept our help,
-
but stop exploiting us.'
-
These parents seem to
-
generously offer something
-
that their children
don't really need,
-
but any refusal
causes resentment.
-
A grown kid starts thinking:
-
"My parents probably just
want some company,
-
and want to feel needed."
-
So, they accept the help,
thank the parents,
-
and offer something
in return.
-
But,
there is no happy ending here,
-
because the parents
-
will always remind their children
of that "favor" they did for them.
-
The kids turn into prisoners,
in either case.
-
If they refuse their parents' help,
-
they are ungrateful brats.
-
If they accept,
-
they'll always be made
to feel indebted.
-
So, it's basically
a 'Catch 22' for the kids,
-
and a 'win win' for the parents.
-
Typical narcissistic behavior.
-
Number one.
-
'Trust me,
-
but I'm still
-
going to go through
your stuff.'
-
A private life?
-
Personal space?
-
Neither exists
-
for children of
toxic parents.
-
If you try to restrict access
-
to your personal territory,
-
your parents accuse you of
distrust,
-
or even hiding something illegal,
or immoral.
-
As for grown children,
with their own families,
-
they're not safe, either,
-
since these types of parents
-
just use a spare set of keys.
-
Then comes the sea
of intrusive questions.
-
"Why did you buy
a new dining table?"
-
"How much did it cost?"
-
"What did you do with
the old one?"
-
"Why didn't you ask
us, first?"
-
And the list goes on,
-
and on,
-
and on.
-
Such parents have no respect
-
for the lives
and personal decisions
-
of their kids.
-
How to handle
a toxic parent?
-
It's pretty difficult,
-
even for adults,
-
to get rid of
a toxic atmosphere.
-
Nevertheless,
-
specialists have
come up with some tips,
-
that can help you protect
your personal boundaries,
-
and save a relationship.
-
First,
-
you have to realize
the following facts:
-
You can't change the past.
-
A toxic relationship
is like a chronic disease.
-
It's almost impossible
to cure,
-
but you can sort of
treat the symptoms.
-
We don't pick our parents,
-
and we can't really change them.
-
The only thing we can change
-
is our reaction to their actions.
-
Remember that
if you feel anger towards them,
-
this will push you back,
-
into an unbalanced
parent-child relationship.
-
These recommendations are based
-
on the mutual understanding
-
that each person has
their own rights and needs,
-
that they shouldn't
be ashamed of.
-
You have the right to:
-
Live in your own house,
-
and have your own rules.
-
Take no part
-
in resolving issues
of other relatives.
-
Limit access
to your personal territory.
-
Build up your own experience,
-
instead of going on
-
your parents'
"I know better."
-
Manage your resources:
-
Money, time, and effort.
-
Choose your personal interests,
-
over those of your parents.
-
Don't forget that these rules
apply to both parties.
-
Children shouldn't cut their
parents out of their lives, unfairly,
-
or take their help for granted.
-
So, what was it like
-
for you, growing up?
-
Did you get along with
your parents?
-
Tell us,
-
in the comments, below.
-
Don't forget
to click "subscribe,"
-
to stay on the
"Bright Side" of life.