BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: In a relationship with someone with BPD | Kati Morton

- Hey everybody.

Today, we're gonna talk about

how to healthily be in a relationship

with someone who has borderline
personality disorder.

Before we jump into this important topic,

are you new to my channel?

Welcome.

I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays

all about mental health,

so make sure you're subscribed

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turned on so you don't miss out.

Now first, as always,

let's define what borderline
personality disorder,

or BPD, really is,

and what it can mean for
those in relationships

with someone who has it.

Now, BPD is a mental illness

marked by an ongoing
pattern of varying moods,

self-image, and behavior.

These symptoms often
result in impulsive actions

and problems in relationships.

Some of the symptoms I'm talking about

are intense fear of rejection,
separation, or abandonment;

rapid changes between
thinking someone's perfect

to believing they're evil;

risky behaviors including
unsafe sex, gambling,

drug use, or accumulating
credit card debt;

threats of suicide or self-harm;

difficulty empathizing with other people;

mood swings from euphoria

to intense shame or self-criticism;

and frequently losing one's temper.

People with borderline
personality disorder

tend to view things in extremes
such as all good or all bad,

and their opinions of other people

can also change really quickly.

An individual who's
seen as a friend one day

may be considered an enemy
or a traitor the next.

And these shifting feelings can lead

to intense and unstable relationships.

I've often referred to those with BPD

as emotional burn victims

because they feel everything
in life very intensely

and are sensitive to any
shifts or perceived wrongs.

And I also feel it's important to mention

that BPD is called other
things in other countries

and in some blogs online.

Some refer to BPD as emotionally unstable

personality disorder or
emotion disregulation disorder,

but as far as I know and
was taught in school,

borderline personality disorder

is the only actual diagnosis.

Even if we call it something else,

it still shows the same symptoms of BPD.

Also, if you want to learn
the full diagnostic criteria

for BPD, you can click the
link in the description

for my video all about it.

Now, as I'm sure you can see,

it could be really hard
to be in a relationship

with someone who has BPD

because they can be impulsive,
easily upset, and reactive.

But there are some tools
that we can utilize

to ensure a much healthier
and happier situation.

And my first tool?

Learn about borderline
personality disorder.

How can we manage something
that we don't even understand?

We can't.

So we need to talk with our
loved one about their BPD

and how they're experiencing it.

Because everyone's gonna be different

and they'll struggle
with different symptoms

more than others.

So talk with them.

Seek to understand, not judge.

There are also two books
that I always recommend

to those who are close
to someone with BPD.

They are, number one, I
Hate You, Don't Leave Me,

and number two, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

They're both great for
understanding the diagnosis,

but also how we can
better manage the symptoms

that are hurting our relationship.

And I will link those in the description

if you want to click over
and buy those for yourself.

Number two, trying to keep
your home life with them

as calm and relaxed as possible.

I know it's not always possible,
but just doing our best

because those with BPD do really well

in situations that are predictable.

So keeping home life as
upset-free as possible is best,

and it can often mitigate any
crisis they may be feeling.

Also, if they're in crisis mode,

it's not a good time to bring up any issue

you may be having with them

or tell them they need to get help.

Remaining calm and relaxed
until the crisis passes is best,

and then you can bring up something

that may be upsetting you.

Number three, now if
we're gonna talk with them

about something that is upsetting us,

that moves us into our next
tip, keeping it simple.

Since those with BPD can
be constantly reacting

out of their emotion mind,

meaning not their very
logical or reasonable one,

it will be hard for them to actually hear

and understand what you're saying

without getting upset
and lashing back at you.

They can even take simple statements

and turn them into personal attacks.

So instead of always fighting

or feeling like we can't every speak up,

just keep it simple.

by keeping our sentences
short, simple, and direct,

you'll give them a chance
to actually hear you

and hopefully not react,

but respond with understanding and love.

Number four, creating and
upholding healthy boundaries.

Those with BPD need boundaries.

Setting a boundary can sometimes

snap them out of their delusional thinking

because they often turn one thing you did

into a much larger issue

or take something you said out of context

and then get more angry about it.

So by holding up healthy
and reasonable boundaries,

you prevent them from spiraling

into their black and
white thinking pattern

and making things a lot worse.

And in all honesty, as a clinician

who works with a lot of BPD patients,

it makes them feel better

and it calms them down more quickly.

So a little tough love and
a little boundary setting

can go a long, long way.

My fifth tip, calling their bluff.

Surprisingly, I promise,
it's also really helpful.

But just before I get into that,

creating boundaries
and calling their bluff

both require that you build
up their self-esteem first,

meaning we can't enter
a relationship with them

calling them on their shit

and telling them that
they're crossing a boundary.

We can't do that out of the blue.

We have to let them know we care first

and can see all the
wonderful traits about them.

I mean, after all, there is a reason

that you're in a relationship
with them, right?

Once you've done that,

you need to learn to be
assertive, hold your ground.

It's okay to say you didn't do

what they're claiming you did

and you won't engage in
that sort of a conversation.

Or you can tell them that they're blowing

this whole thing way out of proportion.

If we always give in to them

when they're engaging
in their BPD behavior,

it will only make things worse.

Because think about it, we're
creating a cycle, right?

If they believe that what
they're saying is true

and we react out of it,
we're almost sabotaging it

and telling them yes, I did act like this,

and yes, I am a jerk.

If we just hold our ground and say no,

we can stop that cycle
from getting started.

Also, I think it's
really important to know

that giving them control all the time

doesn't end up making them feel better

or more safe or secure.

It actually causes the opposite to happen.

So calling them on
their misinterpretations

and black and white thinking sounds crazy,

but I promise you, it's best.

Number six, take their suicide

or self-injury threats seriously.

I know these are common
among those with BPD,

and many see these threats as manipulative

and done for attention,
but what you don't know

is that roughly 10% of those
with BPD die from suicide,

which means that if they're threatening

to kill or harm themselves,

or even if they're just telling you

they've been thinking
about it or planning it,

we need to get some
professional help involved ASAP.

Call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline.

In short, recognize that
they are in deep, deep pain

and express your concern

while still maintaining
your healthy boundaries.

Number seven, encouraging
them to seek therapy.

Unlike a lot of other diagnoses,

most BPD people welcome
the idea of therapy,

and I believe this is
because they're uncomfortable

with how they feel

and would love to find
a way to make that stop,

which is why there is hope

and many people with BPD do fully recover.

I just want you to hear that.

Many people with BPD do fully recover,

so supporting them in these efforts

can be great for your
lasting relationship.

Now DBT has been shown

to be the most effective
type of treatment.

We've talked about that before.

But if it's not available, CBT can help,

Schema therapy can help,

attachment-based therapies have
been shown to work as well,

and also, some medication options.

The most important thing

is that this treatment
is regularly scheduled

and we understand that it'll be long-term.

But just as a reminder,

don't bring this up when you're fighting

or in the middle of a crisis.

Wait until things are calmer

and you can actually
talk with them about it

in a loving and supportive way,

showing that you really care

and that's why you want
them to get help and support

because you want your
relationship to grow.

Number eight, get outside
emotional support for you.

We all need this in relationships,

but especially if we're trying to remain

calm and supportive,

maybe even when we don't
really feel like doing that.

Having other friends and family members

that we can lean on when we
need it is really important.

Make time for that as well as
some regular self-care time.

This will allow you to be strong

and assertive when you need to

and to keep your relationship
happy and healthy.

I would also encourage you to
get into therapy for yourself.

This will not only be a safe place

for you to get the support you need,

but it allows you to talk
about your relationship

without any judgment or pressure.

You can get some helpful tools
for managing crises or upsets

and you can also learn how to
place and uphold boundaries

and how to lovingly be
assertive with them.

Overall, loving someone with
BPD can be difficult at times,

but it can also be really rewarding,

just like any relationship.

And by learning how to clearly communicate

and diffuse any crisis situation

should allow your relationship
to grow and thrive.

This video has been brought to you

by the kinions on Patreon.

If you would like to support the creation

of these mental health videos,

click the link in the
description and check it out.

And I hope these tips are helpful

and give you the tools you need

to strengthen that relationship.

But as always, what do you think?

How have you helped
your loved one with BPD?

Or if you have BPD, what's
worked in your relationships?

Let me know in those comments down below

and I will see you next time.

Bye.