Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost | TEDxGhent
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0:08 - 0:10What is a parent?
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0:13 - 0:15It's not an easy question.
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0:16 - 0:18Today we have adoption,
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0:18 - 0:20stepfamilies,
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0:20 - 0:21surrogate mothers.
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0:22 - 0:24Many parents face tough questions
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0:25 - 0:27and tough decisions.
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0:28 - 0:31Shall we tell our child
about the sperm donation? -
0:33 - 0:35If so, when?
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0:35 - 0:37What words to use?
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0:38 - 0:43Sperm donors are often referred
to as "biological fathers," -
0:43 - 0:46but should we really
be using the word "father?" -
0:48 - 0:51As a philosopher and social scientist,
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0:51 - 0:55I have been studying these questions
about the concept of parenthood. -
0:56 - 0:59But today, I will talk to you
about what I learned -
0:59 - 1:01from talking to parents and children.
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1:02 - 1:06I will show you that they know
what matters most in a family, -
1:06 - 1:09even though their family
looks a little different. -
1:10 - 1:15I will show you their creative ways
of dealing with tough questions. -
1:16 - 1:20But I will also show you
the parents' uncertainties. -
1:22 - 1:23We interviewed couples
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1:23 - 1:27who received fertility treatment
at Ghent University Hospital, -
1:28 - 1:29using sperm from a donor.
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1:31 - 1:32In this treatment timeline,
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1:32 - 1:36you can see two points
at which we conducted interviews. -
1:37 - 1:39We included heterosexual couples,
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1:40 - 1:44where the man for some reason
did not have good-quality sperm, -
1:44 - 1:49and lesbian couples who obviously
needed to find sperm elsewhere. -
1:51 - 1:53We also included children.
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1:55 - 1:56I wanted to know
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1:56 - 2:01how those children define concepts
like parenthood and family. -
2:02 - 2:05In fact, that is what I asked them,
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2:06 - 2:08only not in that way.
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2:09 - 2:12I drew an apple tree instead.
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2:13 - 2:16This way, I could ask abstract,
philosophical questions -
2:16 - 2:20in a way that did not make them run off.
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2:21 - 2:23So as you can see,
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2:23 - 2:25the apple tree is empty.
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2:26 - 2:28And that illustrates my research approach.
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2:30 - 2:32By designing techniques like this,
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2:32 - 2:37I can bring as little meaning and content
as possible to the interview, -
2:37 - 2:39because I want to hear that from them.
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2:41 - 2:43I asked them:
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2:44 - 2:47What would your family look like
if it were an apple tree? -
2:48 - 2:51And they could take a paper apple
for everyone who, in their view, -
2:51 - 2:53was a member of the family,
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2:53 - 2:56write a name on it
and hang it wherever they wanted. -
2:56 - 2:58And I would ask questions.
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2:59 - 3:02Most children started
with a parent or a sibling. -
3:03 - 3:05One started with "Boxer,"
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3:06 - 3:08the dead dog of his grandparents.
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3:10 - 3:14At this point, none of the children
started mentioning the donor. -
3:14 - 3:19So, I asked them about their birth story.
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3:19 - 3:21I said, "Before you were born,
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3:21 - 3:23it was just your mom and dad,
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3:23 - 3:25or mom and mommy.
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3:25 - 3:28Can you tell me how you came
into the family?" -
3:29 - 3:31And they explained.
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3:31 - 3:33One said,
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3:34 - 3:36"My parents did not have good seeds,
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3:37 - 3:41but there are friendly men out there
who have spare seeds. -
3:41 - 3:43They bring them to the hospital,
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3:43 - 3:45and they put them in a big jar.
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3:46 - 3:47My mommy went there,
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3:47 - 3:50and she took two from the jar,
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3:51 - 3:53one for me and one for my sister.
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3:54 - 3:56She put the seeds in her belly --
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3:56 - 3:57somehow --
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3:58 - 4:00and her belly grew really big,
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4:00 - 4:02and there I was."
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4:03 - 4:04Hmm.
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4:06 - 4:10So only when they started
mentioning the donor, -
4:10 - 4:13I asked questions about him,
using their own words. -
4:14 - 4:15I said,
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4:15 - 4:20"If this would be an apple
for the friendly man with the seeds, -
4:20 - 4:21what would you do with it?"
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4:22 - 4:24And one boy was thinking out loud,
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4:24 - 4:26holding the apple.
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4:26 - 4:27And he said,
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4:28 - 4:30"I won't put this one
up there with the others. -
4:31 - 4:33He's not part of my family.
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4:34 - 4:36But I will not put him on the ground.
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4:36 - 4:38That's too cold and too hard.
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4:39 - 4:42I think he should be in the trunk,
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4:43 - 4:45because he made my family possible.
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4:46 - 4:48If he would not have done this,
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4:48 - 4:52that would really be sad
because my family would not be here, -
4:52 - 4:53and I would not be here."
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4:56 - 5:00So also, parents
constructed family tales -- -
5:00 - 5:01tales to tell their children.
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5:03 - 5:06One couple explained their insemination
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5:06 - 5:09by taking their children to a farm
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5:10 - 5:12to watch a vet inseminate cows.
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5:14 - 5:16And why not?
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5:17 - 5:20It's their way of explaining;
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5:20 - 5:23their do-it-yourself
with family narratives. -
5:23 - 5:24DIY.
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5:25 - 5:27And we had another couple
who made books -- -
5:27 - 5:29a book for each child.
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5:29 - 5:31They were really works of art
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5:31 - 5:34containing their thoughts and feelings
throughout the treatment. -
5:35 - 5:37They even had the hospital
parking tickets in there. -
5:38 - 5:39So it is DIY:
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5:40 - 5:42finding ways, words and images
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5:42 - 5:45to tell your family story to your child.
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5:46 - 5:49And these stories were highly diverse,
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5:49 - 5:52but they all had one thing in common:
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5:54 - 5:57it was a tale of longing for a child
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5:58 - 6:00and a quest for that child.
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6:01 - 6:06It was about how special
and how deeply loved their child was. -
6:07 - 6:12And research so far shows
that these children are doing fine, -
6:12 - 6:14including those from lesbian couples.
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6:14 - 6:17They do not have
more problems than other kids. -
6:19 - 6:23Yet, these parents also wanted
to justify their decisions -
6:23 - 6:25through the tales they tell.
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6:25 - 6:28They hoped that their children
would understand their reasons -
6:28 - 6:30for making the family in this way.
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6:32 - 6:36Underlying was a fear
that their children might disapprove, -
6:36 - 6:38and would reject the non-genetic parent.
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6:38 - 6:41And that fear is understandable,
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6:41 - 6:44because we live in a very heteronormative
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6:44 - 6:46and geneticized society --
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6:46 - 6:48a world that still believes
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6:48 - 6:52that true families consist
of one mom, one dad -
6:52 - 6:54and their genetically related children.
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6:56 - 6:57Well.
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6:58 - 7:01I want to tell you about a teenage boy.
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7:01 - 7:04He was donor-conceived,
but not part of our study. -
7:05 - 7:07One day, he had an argument
with his father, -
7:07 - 7:09and he yelled,
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7:09 - 7:11"You're telling me what to do?
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7:11 - 7:13You're not even my father!"
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7:16 - 7:19That was exactly what
the parents in our study feared. -
7:20 - 7:24Now, the boy soon felt sorry,
and they made up. -
7:24 - 7:28But it is the reaction of his father
that is most interesting. -
7:29 - 7:30He said,
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7:30 - 7:36"This outburst had nothing to do
with the lack of a genetic link. -
7:36 - 7:39It was about puberty --
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7:39 - 7:41being difficult.
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7:41 - 7:43It's what they do at that age.
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7:43 - 7:44It will pass."
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7:46 - 7:50What this man shows us
is that when something goes wrong, -
7:51 - 7:53we should not immediately think
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7:53 - 7:55it is because the family
is a little different. -
7:56 - 7:59These things happen in all families.
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8:00 - 8:04And every now and then,
all parents may wonder: -
8:05 - 8:07Am I a good enough parent?
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8:08 - 8:09These parents, too.
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8:10 - 8:14They, above all, wanted to do
what's best for their child. -
8:14 - 8:16But they also sometimes wondered:
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8:16 - 8:18Am I a real parent?
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8:19 - 8:23And their uncertainties were present
long before they even were parents. -
8:23 - 8:24At the start of treatment,
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8:24 - 8:26when they first saw the counselor,
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8:27 - 8:29they paid close attention
to the counselor, -
8:29 - 8:31because they wanted to do it right.
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8:32 - 8:34Even 10 years later,
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8:34 - 8:37they still remember
the advice they were given. -
8:41 - 8:44So when they thought about the counselor
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8:45 - 8:47and the advice they were given,
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8:47 - 8:48we discussed that.
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8:48 - 8:52And we saw one lesbian couple who said,
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8:53 - 8:55"When our son asks us,
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8:55 - 8:57'Do I have a dad?'
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8:58 - 9:01we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.'
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9:01 - 9:04But we will say nothing more,
not unless he asks, -
9:05 - 9:07because he might not be ready for that.
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9:07 - 9:08The counselor said so."
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9:10 - 9:11Well.
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9:12 - 9:13I don't know; that's quite different
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9:13 - 9:16from how we respond
to children's questions. -
9:17 - 9:20Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?"
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9:20 - 9:23We will say, "No, it comes from cows,"
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9:23 - 9:25and we will talk about the farmer,
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9:25 - 9:27and the way the milk ends up in the shop.
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9:28 - 9:30We will not say,
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9:31 - 9:34"No, milk is not made in a factory."
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9:39 - 9:41So something strange happened here,
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9:41 - 9:43and of course these children noticed that.
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9:44 - 9:45One boy said,
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9:46 - 9:48"I asked my parents loads of questions,
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9:48 - 9:50but they acted really weird.
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9:51 - 9:55So, you know, I have a friend at school,
and she's made in the same way. -
9:56 - 9:59When I have a question,
I just go and ask her." -
10:00 - 10:01Clever guy.
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10:02 - 10:03Problem solved.
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10:04 - 10:07But his parents did not notice,
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10:07 - 10:10and it certainly was not
what they had in mind, -
10:10 - 10:12nor what the counselor had in mind
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10:12 - 10:17when they were saying how important
it is to be an open-communication family. -
10:19 - 10:21And that's the strange thing about advice.
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10:21 - 10:25When we offer people pills,
we gather evidence first. -
10:25 - 10:26We do tests,
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10:26 - 10:28we do follow-up studies.
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10:28 - 10:32We want to know, and rightly so,
what this pill is doing, -
10:32 - 10:34and how it affects people's lives.
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10:34 - 10:36And advice?
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10:37 - 10:39It is not enough for advice,
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10:39 - 10:44or for professionals to give advice
that is theoretically sound, -
10:44 - 10:45or well-meant.
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10:46 - 10:49It should be advice
that there is evidence for -- -
10:49 - 10:53evidence that it actually
improves patients' lives. -
10:55 - 10:59So the philosopher in me
would now like to offer you a paradox: -
11:01 - 11:05I advise you to stop following advice.
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11:06 - 11:08But, yes.
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11:09 - 11:12(Applause)
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11:13 - 11:16I will not end here with what went wrong;
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11:16 - 11:20I would not be doing justice
to the warmth we found in those families. -
11:21 - 11:24Remember the books
and the trip to the farmer? -
11:24 - 11:28When parents do things that work for them,
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11:28 - 11:30they do brilliant things.
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11:31 - 11:35What I want you to remember
as members of families, -
11:35 - 11:37in no matter what form or shape,
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11:37 - 11:43is that what families need
are warm relationships. -
11:44 - 11:47And we do not need to be
professionals to create those. -
11:48 - 11:50Most of us do just fine,
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11:51 - 11:53although it may be hard work,
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11:54 - 11:56and from time to time,
we can do with some advice. -
11:58 - 11:59In that case,
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11:59 - 12:01bear in mind three things.
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12:02 - 12:06Work with advice
that works for your family. -
12:06 - 12:12Remember -- you're the expert,
because you live your family life. -
12:13 - 12:14And finally,
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12:15 - 12:19believe in your abilities
and your creativity, -
12:20 - 12:23because you can do it yourself.
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12:24 - 12:25Thank you.
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12:25 - 12:30(Applause)
- Title:
- Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost | TEDxGhent
- Description:
-
How do we define a parent -- or a family? Bioethicist Veerle Provoost explores these questions in the context of non-traditional families, ones brought together by adoption, second marriages, surrogate mothers and sperm donations. In this talk, she shares stories of how parents and children create their own family narratives.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:32
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost | TEDxGhent | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost | TEDxGhent | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for Do kids think of sperm donors as family? | Veerle Provoost | TEDxGhent |