My mother’s strange definition of empowerment
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0:00 - 0:02Hi.
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0:02 - 0:05Today I'm going to share
my personal journey -
0:05 - 0:09with female genital mutilation, FGM.
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0:10 - 0:14Feel free to cry, laugh, cross your legs,
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0:14 - 0:16or do anything your body feels like doing.
-
0:16 - 0:19I'm not going to name
the things your body does. -
0:19 - 0:21I was born in Sierra Leone.
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0:21 - 0:23Did anybody watch "Blood Diamond"?
-
0:25 - 0:27If you have any thoughts --
-
0:27 - 0:30I don't have any diamonds
on me, by the way. -
0:30 - 0:33If you have heard of Ebola,
well, that's in Sierra Leone as well. -
0:33 - 0:35I don't have Ebola. You're all safe.
-
0:35 - 0:37Don't rush to the door.
-
0:37 - 0:40Be seated. You're fine.
I was checked before I got here. -
0:41 - 0:44My grandfather had three wives.
-
0:44 - 0:47Don't ask me why a man
needs more than one wife. -
0:47 - 0:49Men, do you need more than one wife?
-
0:49 - 0:50I don't think so. There you go.
-
0:50 - 0:54He was looking for a heart attack,
that's what I say. -
0:54 - 0:56Oh yeah, he was.
-
0:56 - 1:00When I was three, war broke out
in Sierra Leone in 1991. -
1:00 - 1:04I remember literally going to bed
one night, everything was good. -
1:04 - 1:06The next day, I woke up,
-
1:06 - 1:08bombs were dropping everywhere,
-
1:08 - 1:11and people were trying
to kill me and my family. -
1:11 - 1:15We escaped the war and ended up
in Gambia, in West Africa. -
1:15 - 1:18Ebola is there as well. Stay away from it.
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1:19 - 1:21While we were there as refugees,
-
1:21 - 1:25we didn't know what
was going to become of us. -
1:25 - 1:27My mom applied for refugee status.
-
1:27 - 1:29She's a wonderful, smart woman, that one,
-
1:29 - 1:31and we were lucky.
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1:31 - 1:33Australia said, we will take you in.
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1:33 - 1:35Good job, Aussies.
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1:36 - 1:39Before we were meant to travel,
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1:39 - 1:41my mom came home one day, and said,
-
1:41 - 1:44"We're going on
a little holiday, a little trip." -
1:44 - 1:46She put us in a car,
-
1:46 - 1:49and we drove for hours
and ended up in a bush -
1:49 - 1:52in a remote area in Gambia.
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1:54 - 1:56In this bush, we found two huts.
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1:56 - 2:00An old lady came towards us.
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2:00 - 2:03She was ethnic-looking, very old.
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2:03 - 2:05She had a chat with my mom, and went back.
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2:06 - 2:10Then she came back and walked
away from us into a second hut. -
2:10 - 2:12I'm standing there thinking,
-
2:12 - 2:14"This is very confusing.
I don't know what's going on." -
2:14 - 2:16The next thing I knew,
-
2:16 - 2:18my mom took me into this hut.
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2:19 - 2:21She took my clothes off,
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2:21 - 2:24and then she pinned me down on the floor.
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2:25 - 2:29I struggled and tried
to get her off me, but I couldn't. -
2:29 - 2:33Then the old lady came towards me
with a rusty-looking knife, -
2:33 - 2:34one of the sharp knives,
-
2:34 - 2:39orange-looking, has never seen
water or sunlight before. -
2:39 - 2:40I thought she was going to slaughter me,
-
2:40 - 2:42but she didn't.
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2:42 - 2:45She slowly slid down my body
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2:45 - 2:49and ended up where my vagina is.
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2:50 - 2:54She took hold of what I now know
to be my clitoris, -
2:55 - 3:02she took that rusty knife,
and started cutting away, inch by inch. -
3:03 - 3:07I screamed, I cried,
-
3:07 - 3:12and asked my mom to get off me
so this pain will stop, -
3:12 - 3:15but all she did was say, "Be quiet."
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3:15 - 3:21This old lady sawed away at my flesh
for what felt like forever, -
3:21 - 3:23and then when she was done,
-
3:23 - 3:27she threw that piece of flesh
across the floor -
3:27 - 3:31as if it was the most disgusting thing
she's ever touched. -
3:31 - 3:35They both got off me,
and left me there bleeding, -
3:35 - 3:41crying, and confused
as to what just happened. -
3:42 - 3:44We never talked about this again.
-
3:44 - 3:47Very soon, we found
that we were coming to Australia, -
3:47 - 3:50and this is when you had
the Sydney Olympics at the time, -
3:50 - 3:53and people said we were going
to the end of the world, -
3:53 - 3:55there was nowhere else
to go after Australia. -
3:55 - 3:57Yeah, that comforted us a bit.
-
3:57 - 4:00It took us three days to get here.
-
4:00 - 4:04We went to Senegal, then France,
and then Singapore. -
4:04 - 4:07We went to the bathroom to wash our hands.
-
4:07 - 4:12We spent 15 minutes
opening the tap like this. -
4:12 - 4:14Then somebody came in,
-
4:14 - 4:16slid their hand under and water came out,
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4:16 - 4:18and we thought, is this what we're in for?
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4:18 - 4:21Like, seriously.
-
4:21 - 4:24We got to Adelaide, small place,
-
4:24 - 4:27where literally they dumped us
in Adelaide, that's what I would say. -
4:27 - 4:28They dumped us there.
-
4:28 - 4:30We were very grateful.
-
4:30 - 4:32We settled and we liked it.
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4:32 - 4:34We were like, "We're home, we're here."
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4:34 - 4:37Then somebody took us to Rundle Mall.
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4:37 - 4:38Adelaide has only one mall.
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4:38 - 4:40It's this small place.
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4:41 - 4:43And we saw a lot of Asian people.
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4:43 - 4:45My mom said all of a sudden, panicking,
-
4:45 - 4:50"You brought us to the wrong place.
You must take us back to Australia." -
4:52 - 4:57Yeah. It had to be explained to her that
there were a lot of Asians in Australia -
4:57 - 4:59and we were in the right place.
-
4:59 - 5:00So fine, it's all good.
-
5:01 - 5:03My mom then had this brilliant idea
-
5:03 - 5:06that I should go to a girls school
because they were less racist. -
5:06 - 5:10I don't know where she read
that publication. (Laughter) -
5:10 - 5:13Never found evidence of it to this day.
-
5:13 - 5:17Six hundred white kids,
and I was the only black child there. -
5:17 - 5:20No, I was the only person
with a bit of a color on me. -
5:20 - 5:23Let me say that. Chocolate color.
-
5:23 - 5:26There were no Asians, no indigenous.
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5:26 - 5:28All we had was some tan girls,
-
5:28 - 5:30girls who felt the need
to be under the sun. -
5:30 - 5:34It wasn't the same as my chocolate,
though. Not the same. -
5:34 - 5:36Settling in Australia was quite hard,
-
5:36 - 5:40but it became harder when I started
volunteering for an organization -
5:40 - 5:42called Women's Health Statewide,
-
5:44 - 5:46and I joined their
female genital mutilation program -
5:46 - 5:50without any awareness of what
this program was actually about, -
5:50 - 5:53or that it related to me in any way.
-
5:53 - 5:56I spent months educating
nurses and doctors -
5:56 - 5:58about what female genital mutilation was
-
5:58 - 6:00and where it was practiced:
-
6:00 - 6:05Africa, the Middle East, Asia,
and now, Australia and London and America, -
6:05 - 6:08because, as we all know,
we live in a multicultural society, -
6:08 - 6:13and people who come from those backgrounds
come with their culture, -
6:13 - 6:18and sometimes they have cultural practices
that we may not agree with, -
6:18 - 6:21but they continue to practice them.
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6:22 - 6:24One day, I was looking at the chart
-
6:24 - 6:27of the different types
of female genital mutilation, -
6:27 - 6:29FGM, I will just say FGM for short.
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6:29 - 6:33Type I is when they cut off the hood.
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6:33 - 6:36Type II is when
they cut off the whole clitoris -
6:36 - 6:40and some of your labia majora,
or your outer lips, -
6:40 - 6:43and Type III is when they
cut off the whole clitoris -
6:43 - 6:45and then they sew you up
-
6:45 - 6:49so you only have a little hole
to pee and have your period. -
6:49 - 6:51My eyes went onto Type II.
-
6:51 - 6:53Before all of this,
I pretty much had amnesia. -
6:53 - 6:57I was in so much shock
and traumatized by what had happened, -
6:57 - 6:59I didn't remember any of it.
-
6:59 - 7:01Yes, I was aware something bad
happened to me, -
7:01 - 7:03but I had no recollection
of what had happened. -
7:03 - 7:05I knew I had a scar down there,
-
7:05 - 7:07but I thought everybody
had a scar down there. -
7:07 - 7:09This had happened to everybody else.
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7:09 - 7:13But when I looked at Type II,
it all came back to me. -
7:13 - 7:16I remembered what was done to me.
-
7:16 - 7:18I remembered being in that hut
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7:18 - 7:22with that old lady and my mom
holding me down. -
7:23 - 7:27Words cannot express the pain I felt,
-
7:27 - 7:30the confusion that I felt,
-
7:30 - 7:35because now I realized that
what was done to me was a terrible thing -
7:35 - 7:38that in this society was called barbaric,
-
7:38 - 7:40it was called mutilation.
-
7:40 - 7:42My mother had said
it was called circumcision, -
7:42 - 7:44but here it was mutilation.
-
7:44 - 7:47I was thinking, I'm mutilated?
I'm a mutilated person. -
7:47 - 7:49Oh my God.
-
7:49 - 7:51And then the anger came.
-
7:51 - 7:55I was a black angry woman.
(Laughter) -
7:55 - 7:56Oh yeah.
-
7:56 - 7:59A little one, but angry nevertheless.
-
8:00 - 8:04I went home and said to my mom,
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8:04 - 8:06"You did something."
-
8:06 - 8:09This is not the African thing to do,
pointing at your mother, -
8:09 - 8:11but hey, I was ready for any consequences.
-
8:11 - 8:13"You did something to me."
-
8:13 - 8:15She's like, "What are you
talking about, Khadija?" -
8:15 - 8:17She's used to me mouthing off.
-
8:17 - 8:21I'm like, "Those years ago,
You circumcised me. -
8:21 - 8:25You cut away something
that belonged to me." -
8:25 - 8:26She said, "Yes, I did.
-
8:26 - 8:29I did it for your own good.
-
8:31 - 8:33It was in your best interest.
-
8:33 - 8:36Your grandmother did it to me,
and I did it to you. -
8:36 - 8:38It's made you a woman."
-
8:38 - 8:40I'm like, "How?"
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8:40 - 8:42She said, "You're empowered, Khadija.
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8:42 - 8:44Do you get itchy down there?"
-
8:44 - 8:46I'm like, "No, why would I
get itchy down there?" -
8:46 - 8:49She said, "Well,
if you were not circumcised, -
8:49 - 8:51you would get itchy down there.
-
8:51 - 8:54Women who are not circumcised
get itchy all the time. -
8:54 - 8:57Then they sleep around with everybody.
-
8:57 - 9:00You are not going
to sleep around with anybody." -
9:00 - 9:02And I thought,
-
9:02 - 9:07her definition of empowerment
was very strange. (Laughter) -
9:09 - 9:11That was the end
of our first conversation. -
9:11 - 9:12I went back to school.
-
9:12 - 9:16These were the days when we had
Dolly and Girlfriend magazines. -
9:16 - 9:20There was always the sealed section.
Anybody remember those sealed sections? -
9:20 - 9:22The naughty bits, you know?
-
9:22 - 9:25Oh yeah, I love those.
(Laughter) -
9:25 - 9:29Anyway, there was always
an article about pleasure -
9:29 - 9:32and relationships and, of course, sex.
-
9:32 - 9:36But it always assumed
that you had a clitoris, though, -
9:36 - 9:40and I thought, this doesn't fit me.
-
9:40 - 9:42This doesn't talk about people like me.
-
9:42 - 9:44I don't have a clitoris.
-
9:44 - 9:48I watched TV and those women
would moan like, "Oh! Oh!" -
9:48 - 9:51I was like, these people
and their damned clitoris. -
9:51 - 9:53(Laughter)
-
9:53 - 9:57What is a woman without a clitoris
supposed to do with her life? -
9:57 - 9:59That's what I want to know.
-
9:59 - 10:02I want to do that too --
"Oh! Oh!" and all of that. -
10:02 - 10:04Didn't happen.
-
10:04 - 10:07So I came home once again
and said to my mom, -
10:07 - 10:12"Dolly and Girlfriend said
I deserve pleasure, -
10:12 - 10:14that I should be having orgasms,
-
10:14 - 10:18and that white men should figure out
how to find the clitoris." -
10:18 - 10:22Apparently, white men
have a problem finding the clitoris. -
10:22 - 10:23(Laughter)
-
10:23 - 10:28Just saying, it wasn't me.
It was Dolly that said that. -
10:28 - 10:32And I thought to myself,
I had an inner joke in my head -
10:32 - 10:35that said, "I will marry a white man.
-
10:35 - 10:38He won't have that problem with me."
(Laughter) -
10:38 - 10:40So I said to my mom,
-
10:40 - 10:47"Dolly and Girlfriend said
I deserve pleasure, and do you know -
10:47 - 10:51what you have taken away from me,
what you have denied me? -
10:51 - 10:54You have invaded me
in the most sacred way. -
10:54 - 10:55I want pleasure.
-
10:55 - 10:59I want to get horny, dammit, as well."
-
10:59 - 11:01And she said to me,
"Who is Dolly and Girlfriend? -
11:01 - 11:04Are they your new friends, Khadija?"
-
11:04 - 11:08I was like, "No, they're not.
That's a magazine, mom, a magazine." -
11:08 - 11:09She didn't get it.
-
11:09 - 11:12We came from two different worlds.
-
11:12 - 11:15When she was growing up,
not having a clitoris was the norm. -
11:15 - 11:18It was celebrated.
-
11:18 - 11:20I was an African Australian girl.
-
11:20 - 11:24I lived in a society
that was very clitoris-centric. -
11:24 - 11:28It was all about the damn clitoris!
-
11:28 - 11:30And I didn't have one!
-
11:30 - 11:33That pissed me off.
-
11:33 - 11:37So once I went through
this strange phase of anger -
11:37 - 11:39and pain and confusion,
-
11:39 - 11:42I remember booking
an appointment with my therapist. -
11:42 - 11:45Yes, I'm an African
who has a therapist. There you go. -
11:45 - 11:48And I said to her,
-
11:48 - 11:50"I was 13. I was a child.
-
11:50 - 11:52I was settling in a new country,
-
11:52 - 11:55I was dealing with racism
and discrimination, -
11:55 - 11:57English is my third language,
and then there it was." -
11:57 - 12:00I said to her, "I feel like
I'm not a woman -
12:00 - 12:03because of what was done to me.
-
12:03 - 12:06I feel incomplete.
-
12:06 - 12:09Am I going to be asexual?"
-
12:09 - 12:12Because from what I knew about FGM,
-
12:12 - 12:15the whole aim of it was to control
the sexuality of women. -
12:15 - 12:19It's so that we don't have
any sexual desire. -
12:19 - 12:20And I said, "Am I asexual now?
-
12:20 - 12:24Will I just live the rest of my life
not feeling like having sex, -
12:24 - 12:26not enjoying sex?"
-
12:26 - 12:29She couldn't answer my questions,
-
12:29 - 12:31so they went unanswered.
-
12:31 - 12:34When I started having my period
around the age of 14, -
12:34 - 12:38I realized I didn't have
normal periods because of FGM. -
12:38 - 12:44My periods were heavy, they were long,
and they were very painful. -
12:44 - 12:46Then they told me I had fibroids.
-
12:46 - 12:48They're like these little balls
sitting there. -
12:48 - 12:51One was covering one of my ovaries.
-
12:51 - 12:54And there came then the big news.
-
12:54 - 12:57"We don't think you can
have children, Khadija." -
12:57 - 13:02And once again, I was
an angry black woman. -
13:02 - 13:05I went home and I said to my mom,
-
13:05 - 13:10"Your act, your action,
no matter what your may defense may be" -- -
13:10 - 13:12because she thought she did it out love --
-
13:12 - 13:17"what you did out of love
is harming me, and it's hurting me. -
13:17 - 13:21What do you have to say for that?"
-
13:21 - 13:24She said, "I did what I had to do
as a mother." -
13:24 - 13:27I'm still waiting
for an apology, by the way. -
13:28 - 13:31Then I got married.
-
13:32 - 13:34And once again --
-
13:34 - 13:36FGM is like the gift that keeps giving.
-
13:36 - 13:39You figure that out very soon.
-
13:39 - 13:42Sex was very painful.
-
13:42 - 13:44It hurt all the time.
-
13:44 - 13:48And of course I realized, they said,
"You can't have kids." -
13:48 - 13:54I thought, "Wow, is this my existence?
Is this what life is all about?" -
13:57 - 13:59I'm proud to tell you,
-
13:59 - 14:01five months ago,
-
14:01 - 14:03I was told I was pregnant.
-
14:03 - 14:08(Applause)
-
14:12 - 14:14I am the lucky girl.
-
14:14 - 14:17There are so many women out there
who have gone through FGM -
14:17 - 14:18who have infertility.
-
14:18 - 14:25I know a nine-year-old girl who has
incontinence, constant infections, pain. -
14:26 - 14:28It's that gift. It doesn't stop giving.
-
14:28 - 14:31It affects every area of your life,
-
14:31 - 14:35and this happened to me
because I was born a girl -
14:35 - 14:36in the wrong place.
-
14:36 - 14:39That's why it happened to me.
-
14:39 - 14:43I channel all that anger,
all that pain, into advocacy -
14:43 - 14:47because I needed my pain
to be worth something. -
14:47 - 14:51So I'm the director of an organization
called No FGM Australia. -
14:51 - 14:52You heard me right.
-
14:52 - 14:54Why No FGM Australia?
-
14:54 - 14:57FGM is in Australia.
-
14:57 - 15:01Two days ago, I had to call
Child Protective Services, -
15:01 - 15:03because somewhere in Australia,
-
15:03 - 15:06there's a four-year old
-
15:06 - 15:10there's a four-year-old whose mom
is planning on performing FGM on her. -
15:10 - 15:16That child is in kindy.
I'll let that sink in: four years old. -
15:19 - 15:24A couple of months ago, I met a lady
who is married to a Malaysian man. -
15:24 - 15:27Her husband came home one day and said
he was going to take their daughters -
15:27 - 15:30back to Malaysia
to cut off their clitoris. -
15:30 - 15:33And she said, "Why?"
He said they were dirty. -
15:34 - 15:36And she said, "Well, you married me."
-
15:36 - 15:38He said, "Oh, this is my cultural belief."
-
15:39 - 15:42They then went into a whole discussion
where she said to him, -
15:42 - 15:45"Over my dead body
will you do that to my daughters." -
15:45 - 15:49But imagine if this woman
wasn't aware of what FGM was, -
15:49 - 15:51if they never had that conversation?
-
15:51 - 15:54Her children would have been
flown over to Malaysia -
15:54 - 15:58and they would have come back
changed for the rest of their lives. -
15:58 - 15:59Do you know the millions of dollars
-
15:59 - 16:02it would take us to deal
with an issue like that? -
16:02 - 16:05[Three children per day] in Australia
-
16:05 - 16:08are at risk of having FGM
performed on them. -
16:08 - 16:10This is an Australian problem, people.
-
16:10 - 16:13It's not an African problem.
It's not a Middle Eastern problem. -
16:13 - 16:18It's not white, it's not black,
it has no color, it's everybody's problem. -
16:18 - 16:22FGM is child abuse.
-
16:22 - 16:24It's violence against women.
-
16:24 - 16:28It's saying that women don't have
a right to sexual pleasure. -
16:28 - 16:31It says we don't have
a right to our bodies. -
16:31 - 16:35Well, I say no to that,
and you know what? Bullshit. -
16:35 - 16:37That's what I have to say to that.
-
16:37 - 16:42(Applause)
-
16:43 - 16:49I am proud to say that
I'm doing my part in ending FGM. -
16:49 - 16:51What are you going to do?
-
16:51 - 16:55There may be a child in your classroom
who is at risk of FGM. -
16:55 - 16:58There may be a patient
who comes to your hospital -
16:58 - 17:00who is at risk of FGM.
-
17:00 - 17:02But this is the reality,
-
17:02 - 17:04that even in our beloved Australia,
-
17:04 - 17:07the most wonderful place in the world,
-
17:07 - 17:11children are being abused
because of a culture. -
17:11 - 17:14Culture should not be
a defense for child abuse. -
17:14 - 17:19I want ever single one of you
to see FGM as an issue for you. -
17:19 - 17:20Make it personal.
-
17:20 - 17:23It could be your daughter,
your sister, your cousin. -
17:23 - 17:25I can't fight FGM alone.
-
17:26 - 17:29I could try, but I can't.
-
17:29 - 17:32So my appeal to you is, please join me.
-
17:32 - 17:34Sign my petition on Change.org
-
17:34 - 17:38and type in Khadija, my name,
and it'll come up, and sign it. -
17:38 - 17:41The aim of that is to get support
for FGM victims in Australia -
17:41 - 17:44and to protect little girls
growing up here -
17:44 - 17:47to not have this evil done to them,
-
17:47 - 17:51because every child
has a right to pleasure. -
17:51 - 17:54Every child has a right
to their bodies being left intact, -
17:54 - 17:59and dammit, ever child
has a right to a clitoris. -
17:59 - 18:02So please join me in ending this act.
-
18:02 - 18:05My favorite quote is,
-
18:05 - 18:06"All it takes for evil to prevail
-
18:06 - 18:10is for a few good men
and women to do nothing." -
18:10 - 18:15Are you going to let this evil
of female genital mutilation -
18:15 - 18:17to prevail in Australia?
-
18:17 - 18:18I don't think so,
-
18:18 - 18:22so please join me in ensuring
that it ends in my generation. -
18:22 - 18:24Thank you.
-
18:24 - 18:27(Applause)
- Title:
- My mother’s strange definition of empowerment
- Speaker:
- Khadija Gbla
- Description:
-
Khadija Gbla grew up caught between two definitions of what it means to be an “empowered woman.” While her Sierra Leonean mother thought that circumsizing her — and thus stifling her sexual urges — was the ultimate form of empowerment, her culture as a teenager in Australia told her that she deserved pleasure and that what happened to her was called “female genital mutilation.” In a candid and funny talk, she shares what it was like to make her way in a “clitoris-centric society,” and how she works to make sure other women don’t have to figure this out. (Warning: This talk contains hard-to-hear details.)
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 18:40
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for My mother’s strange definition of empowerment |