The healing power of love and intimacy | Dean Ornish | TEDxBerkeley

Dr. Dean Ornish shares insights into his personal life and ways to improve our health through our own personal lives by no longer looking for happiness and health outside oneself. Through his years of medical research and his own experiences, he speaks about ways to combat loneliness and depression from within and empower one's mind and body.

Dean Ornish, M.D., is the founder and president of the non-profit Preventive Medicine Research Institute and Clinical Professor of Medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. Dr. Ornish was honored as "one of the 125 most extraordinary University of Texas alumni in the past 125 years," chosen by LIFE magazine as “one of the fifty most influential members of his generation,” and recognized by Forbes magazine as “one of the world’s seven most powerful teachers.”

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

The last 40 years, I have
directed a series of studies

showing what a powerful difference
changes in diet and lifestyle can make,

simple changes such as
a whole food plant-based diet

that's naturally low in fat and sugar,

various stress-management techniques
including meditation and yoga,

moderate exercise, and what we call
"psycho-social support,"

or to reduce it even further,

to "eat well, move more,
stress less, love more," that's it.

And it's creating a field
called 'life-style medicine"

which is using life-style changes
not only to help prevent disease

but to actually treat it
and often even reverse it.

So we've used for the last 40 years

these very high-tech, expensive,
state-of-the-art scientific measures

to prove how powerful

these very ancient approaches can be.

The more diseases we studied

and the more underlying
biological mechanisms we look at,

the more reasons we've to explain
why these changes are so powerful,

and how quickly they can occur,
and I think these finfings

are giving literally millions of people
new hope and new choices.

But what I want to focus on today is what
I consider the most important epidemic,

which is the epidemic of loneliness
and isolation and depression.

Fifty years ago, there's been
a radical transformation in our society.

Fifty years ago, most people had
an extended family they saw regularly;

a job that felt secure they'd had
for ten years or more

and so had their colleagues,
so they got to know each other;

2 or 3 generations of people
living in their neighborhood;

a church or a synagogue
they went to regularly.

Most people today don't have any of those.

Part of the value of research
is it can raise awareness,

and awareness to me is always
the first step in healing.

Part of what we're learning
is that study after study are showing

that people who are lonely
and depressed and isolated

are 3 to 10 times more likely
to get sick and die prematurely

from pretty much all causes,

when compared to those who've
a sense of love, connection and community.

I don't know anything in medicine
that has that powerful impact.

So one of the reasons
why growing up in a family

or with two or three
generations of people,

is that people actually know you.

They don't just know your
Facebook profile or bio-sketch.

They know when you messed up,
they saw you, whatever it was.

They know your demons, your problems.

You know that they know,
and they know you know that they know,

and there's something very primal
about being seen in that way.

It's kind of like in James Cameron's
movie Avatar, "I see you"

which is really from an African proverb.

Just being seen in all of who you are,
warts and all, is incredibly powerful.

So it's not enough, we've learned.

During these studies, I've asked
people, "Why do you smoke?

Why do you overeat, drink too much,
work too hard, and abuse substances?

These behaviors seem so maladaptive!"
and they look at me and go,

"You don't get it. You don't have a clue.
These behaviors aren't maladaptive.

They're very adaptive
because they help us deal

with our loneliness,
depression, isolation."

They'll say things like, "I've got
20 friends in this pack of cigarettes.

They're always there for me,
nobody else is.

If you take them away,
what are going to give me?"

or "Food fills that void,"
"Fat coats my nerves and numbs the pain,"

or alcohol or other drugs "numb the pain".

That's why we have an opioid epidemic,
it's part of a larger issue.

Or video games numb the pain.

Or more socially acceptable ways
are working all the time

that numbs the pain, we've all done that.

So, we can't just give people information

and just focus on the behavior.

We've to focus on these deeper issues

because ultimately that's
what makes them sustainable.

I first got interested
in this in my own life

when I was a freshman in college
at Rice University in Houston,

and became suicidally depressed.

I came about as close to killing myself
as you can, without actually doing it.

It wasn't in the course catalog,
but it turned out

it has the highest suicide rate per capita
of any school in the country.

And I became suicidal because
not only did I feel like I was stupid,

but I felt like I could take
all the meaning out of everything:

"So what? Big deal! Who cares?
Nothing matters. Why bother?"

all the usual things like that.

And severe depression is a real
reality distortion field,

as Steve Jobs used to talk about.

That is you think you're seeing
things clearly for the first time.

Things are bad, will always be bad,
have always been bad,

and any time you think
otherwise you're fooling yourself.

And that's the hallmark of depression

which is where helplessness
and hopelessness come from.

It's that belief things
are always going to be bad.

So, there's an old saying

that when the student is ready,
the teacher appears.

For me, what really saved my life

was an ecumenical spiritual teacher
named Swami Satchidananda.

He taught me that I was looking
in the wrong place

for my health and well-being.

He liked to make puns.

People'd say "What are you, a Hindu?"
and he'd say, "No, I'm an undo."

He helped me learn where
do peace and health really come from.

And that's the central focus
of what I want to talk about today

because our whole culture,
the whole advertising industry

teaches us it comes
from outside ourselves.

Just get more stuff, accomplishment,
more money, more whatever,

then you'll be happy.

The problem is that once you buy
into that view of the world,

however it turns out, you feel bad.

If only I had more whatever,
then I'll be happy.

Until you get it,
you're unhappy by definition.

If someone else gets it,
and you don't, you're unhappy.

It makes you feel like we live
in a Zero-sum game, dog-eat-dog world,

the more you get,
the less there is for me.

If you never get it, you're bad,

and if you get it,
it's seductive in the moment -

like "Ah, I got it, it's mine!" -
but it doesn't usually last.

It's usually followed
either by "Now what?" -

a patient told me, "I can't even enjoy
the view from the mountain I've climbed,

I'm looking over the next one" -

or "So what? It doesn't really provide
that lasting meaning I thought it would."

Another patient said,

"The letdown that comes
from accomplishing a goal is so great,

I always make sure I've a dozen
projects going at the same time."

But what I learned from the Swami,
and it's part of all spiritual traditions,

is that the peace
and health are there already -

it's not something you have to get
but something we have already -

and that the goal
of all these different practices -

meditation, yoga, prayer,
and whatever it is you happen to do -

is not that they bring you
a sense of peace and well-being,

but rather they help us
quiet down our mind and body

to experience what's already there.

That may sound like
parsing words and semantics,

but it's all the difference in the world

because if you have to get that
from outside of yourself -

like when I was in medical
school, I got depressed

because I thought I was never going to get
in a medical school and be all alone -

so the problem is that if you think
it comes from outside you,

everyone who has what you think
you need has power over you,

whereas if I'm starting to feel
anxious, worried or upset, I can say,

"What am I doing that's disturbing
what's already there?"

and that's very empowering
because I can do something about that.

Otherwise, everybody has power over me.

So, when we quiet down
our mind and bodies,

we can experience,
even if it's only momentarily,

if you meditate or do whatever
you do to quiet down your mind,

and you're feeling more
peaceful, "re-mind" yourself

that that feeling didn't come
from the meditation, it was already there.

What you did is, at least temporarily,
removing what was disturbing that.

And the other thing that happens
is that when you quiet down your mind,

you begin to hear your own
inner teacher, inner guru,

your own inner wisdom,
the still small voice within,

whatever name you give to that.

It's that voice that wakes us up
at 3 a.m. and says,

"Hey Dean, pay attention!

You're not doing something
that's in your best interest."

or "Here's something you might want
to think about that's really creative."

All the studies I've done
came from that place

and then I kind of reverse engineer them

to see if I could prove
that those insights were really true.

When you learn to recognize that voice,

you can tap into that
even in the busiest times of your day,

if you just take a moment
and stop, and listen.

The other thing that happens
when we quiet down our mind enough

is that we experience what it means
to be in a transcendent state.

I mean that on one level,
obviously, we're separate -

you are you, and I am me -
but on another level,

we're part of something larger
connecting us all together,

whatever name you give to that,
even to give it a name

is to limit what's an ineffable,
limitless, infinite experience,

this interconnectedness, this oneness.

And all what Aldous Huxley
called the "perennial philosophy,"

what you find in all the religions

once people stop killing themselves
over the differences in rituals, etc.,

the love, compassion, altruism,
empathy, and forgiveness

really come from
that place of transcendence.

It's a direct experience that when you see
people as you in another form,

then naturally compassion flows from that.

But it's not that you've to get that,

we disturb our own inner sense of ease,
and we become diseased.

The ancient swamis, rabbis,
and priests and monks and nuns

didn't discover these approaches

just to unclog their arteries
or lower blood pressure.

They can do all those things, but these
are powerful tools for transformation.

They free us from our suffering
right here and right now.

I first learned this when I was doing
my very first study 40 years ago,

when I was a second year
medical student.

I had ten men and women
who had very bad heart disease,

and I put them in a hotel for a month.

One of the guys was an older dentist
who was homophobic,

and one of the younger guys was gay.

So the older guy said
awful stuff to the younger

who said some equally awful stuff back,
they started yelling at each other.

One clutched his chest in angina
and took Nitroglycerine,

the other clutched
his chest and took Demerol,

and both slammed the doors.

I thought they both will die and this will
be the end of my short research career.

(Laughter)

So I said to them, "You're giving
power to give you chest pain

and maybe have a heart attack and die,
to the guy you hate the most.

That's not really smart
even from your own self-interest,

especially from your self-interest."

So they became more
loving and compassionate

and didn't have anymore chest pain.

So suffering can be a doorway
for transforming our lives.

When Nelson Mandela was released
from prison after 16 years

and had his long walk
to freedom, people said,

"Are you angry with your jailers?"

He said: "Well, they took away
the best years of my life,

but if I still hate them,
then I'm still in prison in my heart."

So anything that really brings
us together is healing.

And Intimacy to me is the root of healing.

Even the word healing comes
from the root "to make whole".

"Yoga" comes from the Sanskrit
to yoke, to unite, union -

these are really old ideas
that we're rediscovering -

versus "the other."

If you see people as different
and only different,

then that leads to those Mexican rapists
and those Muslim terrorists,

and all those horrible things that come

from that basic misunderstanding
of the way things really are,

Whereas when we can be grounded
in that transcendent state.

compassion, love and caring,
all really flow naturally from that.

It's kind of a double vision
that on one level we're separate,

and on another level we're not.

So, my teacher built a temple out
on the James River,

outside of Charlottesville.

It has a beam of light coming up,
and then it hits a beam splitter,

and it illuminates the altars
of all the different religions

with the idea that truth is one,
paths are many.

It helps us to get past
a lot of these false choices.

I've been doing research for a long time.

People say, "Am I going to live longer
or is it just going to seem longer,

if I change my diet and life-style?"
"Is it fun for me, or is it good for me?"

"The only way you get
to live to be a hundred

is by not doing the things making
you want to live to be a hundred,"

and variations on those themes.

Actually this is what allows us
to live the most juicy life.

The spiritual teachers I'm attracted to,
the Dalai Lama, the swami, and others,

are the ones that live a joyful life.

Just being around them
makes you feel good.

And if it's meaningful and
pleasurable, then it is sustainable.

One thing I learned when I was in college

is I could take all the meaning
out of everything,

but I also learned that I could imbue
choices with meaning.

And one of the ways of doing that

is by choosing not to do certain
things that you otherwise could do.

So when I talk to someone and say
"If you eat plant-based diet,

you can reverse heart disease,
diabetes, prostate cancer,

change your gene expression,
lengthen your telomeres,

and reverse aging in a cellular level,

and the more diseases we study,
the more mechanisms we look at,

the more evidence we have for that,"

people say, "Gosh,
I can't eat everything I want?"

I say "Well, you're free
to do anything you want,

but all spiritual traditions
have dietary guidelines.

They often differ: In one religion,
you can eat this but not that,

or certain days of the week
or certain times of the day.

Is God confused? I don't know.

But whatever intrinsic benefit there is in
making certain diet and lifestyle choices,

just choosing not to eat something
that you otherwise could,

imbues those choices with meaning."

If it's meaningful, then it's sustainable

And because these underlying
biological mechanisms are so dynamic,

most people feel
so much better so quickly,

it reframes the reason
for making these changes

from fear of dying to joy of living,

and joy, pleasure and feeling good
are really sustainable,

even in relationships.

A South Indian saint named Ramakrishna
said a hundred years ago:

"You can dig a lot of shallow wells
and never reach water,

or you can dig one deep one
and reach the wellspring."

For example, my wife and I
have been together for 20 years,

and before that I used to date
other people which was really fun,

but we decided to be in a committed
monogamous relationship.

Again, is that the ball and chain?
Well, it certainly can be.

Or is it a way of creating a sacred space,
and a sense of safety?

Because you can only be intimate

to the degree you can open
your heart and be vulnerable,

and you can only do that
to the degree you feel safe.

So we feel more safe over the years
as we continue to trust each other.

It's like layers of an onion, the more you
can open, the more intimate it becomes,

and the more intimate it becomes,
the more erotic it becomes,

which I never knew before.

So instead of having the same kind
of experience with different people,

this is these profoundly different
experiences with the same person.

And the more intimate it becomes,
the more fun it becomes.

So when we have a date together

we're not trying to recreate an experience
we might have had before,

however wonderful that might have been.

We have what's called "beginners mind".

We're open to all possibilities,
all degrees of freedom.

We're not trying to create something but
to be open to whatever flows from that

because if we're just trying to recreate
something, it won't be fresh.

So we trust each other enough
to be open to whatever happens.

Most of the time, it's like the most
intensely erotic wonderful experience

that neither one of us
has ever had,

and not by a little but a lot,
even after many years together.

Because it allows us to go so much deeper,
it makes it more intimate and erotic.

So it's not a moral issue, but, what
brings you the most pleasure and fun?

Just like if you eat a plant-based
diet, you're helping the world,

lessening global warming and all that.

But more importantly, you think
more clearly, have more energy,

you need less sleep,
your sexual function improves,

you can grow some
of the new brain neurons,

your brain can get measurably bigger.

So what we gain is so much
more than what we give up.

To me great art, great science,
great love making, great anything

is that ability to see
without preconceptions,

so that you can be open to all
possibilities and degrees of freedom.

There's a difference between
imitation and innovation.

If it's pleasurable, it's sustainable.

What we gain is so much more
than what we give up.

It's not just how long we live,
it's how well we live.

And I'm learning that
these ancient spiritual truths

give us a great amount of pleasure,
which is what makes them so sustainable.

So thank you for the chance
to share that with you today.

I really appreciate it.

(Applause)