Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TEDxRainier
-
0:13 - 0:16I'm here today
to talk about a disturbing question, -
0:16 - 0:19which has an equally disturbing answer.
-
0:20 - 0:23My topic is the secrets
of domestic violence, -
0:23 - 0:26and the question I'm going to tackle
-
0:26 - 0:29is the one question everyone always asks:
-
0:29 - 0:31Why does she stay?
-
0:31 - 0:35Why would anyone stay
with a man who beats her? -
0:35 - 0:38I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
-
0:38 - 0:41or an expert in domestic violence.
-
0:41 - 0:43I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
-
0:44 - 0:48I was 22. I had just graduated
from Harvard College. -
0:48 - 0:51I had moved to New York City
for my first job -
0:51 - 0:54as a writer and editor
at Seventeen magazine. -
0:54 - 0:56I had my first apartment,
-
0:56 - 0:59my first little green
American Express card, -
0:59 - 1:02and I had a very big secret.
-
1:03 - 1:06My secret was that I had this gun
-
1:06 - 1:09loaded with hollow-point bullets
pointed at my head -
1:09 - 1:12by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
-
1:12 - 1:14many, many times.
-
1:16 - 1:19The man who I loved more
than anybody on Earth -
1:20 - 1:24held a gun to my head
and threatened to kill me -
1:24 - 1:26more times than I can even remember.
-
1:26 - 1:29I'm here to tell you the story
of crazy love, -
1:29 - 1:32a psychological trap disguised as love,
-
1:32 - 1:35one that millions of women
and even a few men -
1:35 - 1:38fall into every year.
-
1:38 - 1:40It may even be your story.
-
1:40 - 1:43I don't look like a typical
domestic violence survivor. -
1:43 - 1:46I have a B.A. in English
from Harvard College, -
1:46 - 1:49an MBA in marketing
from Wharton Business School. -
1:49 - 1:52I've spent most of my career
working for Fortune 500 companies -
1:52 - 1:56including Johnson & Johnson,
Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. -
1:56 - 1:59I've been married for almost 20 years
to my second husband -
1:59 - 2:02and we have three kids together.
-
2:03 - 2:06My dog is a black lab,
and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. -
2:07 - 2:09(Laughter)
-
2:09 - 2:12So my first message for you
is that domestic violence -
2:12 - 2:14happens to everyone -
-
2:14 - 2:18all races, all religions,
all income and education levels. -
2:18 - 2:20It's everywhere.
-
2:20 - 2:23And my second message
is that everyone thinks -
2:23 - 2:25domestic violence happens to women,
-
2:25 - 2:27that it's a women's issue.
-
2:27 - 2:29Not exactly.
-
2:29 - 2:34Over 85 percent of abusers are men,
and domestic abuse -
2:34 - 2:39happens only in intimate, interdependent,
long-term relationships, -
2:39 - 2:41in other words, in families,
-
2:41 - 2:45the last place we would want
or expect to find violence, -
2:45 - 2:49which is one reason
domestic abuse is so confusing. -
2:50 - 2:53I would have told you myself
that I was the last person on Earth -
2:53 - 2:56who would stay with a man who beats me,
-
2:56 - 3:00but in fact I was a very typical victim
because of my age. -
3:00 - 3:02I was 22, and in the United States,
-
3:02 - 3:07women ages 16 to 24
are three times as likely -
3:07 - 3:09to be domestic violence victims
-
3:09 - 3:12as women of other ages,
-
3:12 - 3:15and over 500 women and girls this age
-
3:15 - 3:19are killed every year by abusive partners,
-
3:19 - 3:22boyfriends, and husbands
in the United States. -
3:23 - 3:27I was also a very typical victim
because I knew nothing -
3:27 - 3:30about domestic violence,
its warning signs or its patterns. -
3:32 - 3:35I met Conor on a cold,
rainy January night. -
3:36 - 3:39He sat next to me
on the New York City subway, -
3:39 - 3:42and he started chatting me up.
-
3:42 - 3:44He told me two things.
-
3:44 - 3:47One was that he, too, had just graduated
from an Ivy League school, -
3:47 - 3:51and that he worked
at a very impressive Wall Street bank. -
3:52 - 3:55But what made the biggest impression
on me that first meeting -
3:55 - 3:58was that he was smart and funny
-
3:58 - 4:00and he looked like a farm boy.
-
4:00 - 4:03He had these big cheeks,
these big apple cheeks -
4:03 - 4:04and this wheat-blond hair,
-
4:04 - 4:06and he seemed so sweet.
-
4:08 - 4:11One of the smartest things Conor did,
from the very beginning, -
4:11 - 4:16was to create the illusion that I was
the dominant partner in the relationship. -
4:16 - 4:19He did this especially at the beginning
-
4:19 - 4:21by idolizing me.
-
4:22 - 4:25We started dating,
and he loved everything about me, -
4:25 - 4:27that I was smart,
that I'd gone to Harvard, -
4:27 - 4:30that I was passionate about
helping teenage girls, and my job. -
4:30 - 4:32He wanted to know everything
about my family -
4:32 - 4:35and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
-
4:35 - 4:39Conor believed in me,
as a writer and a woman, -
4:39 - 4:42in a way that no one else ever had.
-
4:42 - 4:46And he also created a magical atmosphere
of trust between us -
4:46 - 4:48by confessing his secret,
-
4:49 - 4:53which was that, as a very young boy
starting at age four, -
4:53 - 4:56he had been savagely
and repeatedly physically abused -
4:56 - 4:58by his stepfather,
-
4:58 - 5:00and the abuse had gotten so bad
-
5:00 - 5:03that he had had to drop out of school
in eighth grade, -
5:03 - 5:05even though he was very smart,
-
5:05 - 5:07and he'd spent almost 20 years
rebuilding his life. -
5:09 - 5:11Which is why that Ivy League degree
-
5:11 - 5:14and the Wall Street job
and his bright shiny future -
5:14 - 5:16meant so much to him.
-
5:17 - 5:18If you had told me
-
5:18 - 5:23that this smart, funny,
sensitive man who adored me -
5:23 - 5:28would one day dictate
whether or not I wore makeup, -
5:28 - 5:30how short my skirts were,
-
5:30 - 5:32where I lived, what jobs I took,
-
5:32 - 5:35who my friends were
and where I spent Christmas, -
5:35 - 5:37I would have laughed at you,
-
5:37 - 5:41because there was not
a hint of violence or control -
5:41 - 5:43or anger in Conor at the beginning.
-
5:44 - 5:47I didn't know that the first stage
-
5:47 - 5:50in any domestic violence relationship
-
5:50 - 5:52is to seduce and charm the victim.
-
5:53 - 5:57I also didn't know that the second step
is to isolate the victim. -
5:58 - 6:02Now, Conor did not come home
one day and announce, -
6:02 - 6:05"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet
stuff has been great, -
6:05 - 6:07but I need to move into the next phase
-
6:07 - 6:11where I isolate you and I abuse you"
(Laughter) -
6:11 - 6:13"so I need to get you
out of this apartment -
6:13 - 6:15where the neighbors can hear you scream
-
6:15 - 6:18and out of this city
where you have friends and family -
6:18 - 6:21and coworkers who can see the bruises."
-
6:21 - 6:24Instead, Conor came home
one Friday evening -
6:24 - 6:27and he told me
that he had quit his job that day, -
6:27 - 6:29his dream job,
-
6:29 - 6:33and he said that he had quit his job
because of me, -
6:34 - 6:37because I had made him feel
so safe and loved -
6:37 - 6:40that he didn't need to prove himself
on Wall Street anymore, -
6:40 - 6:42and he just wanted to get out of the city
-
6:42 - 6:45and away from his abusive,
dysfunctional family, -
6:45 - 6:48and move to a tiny town in New England
-
6:48 - 6:52where he could start his life over
with me by his side. -
6:53 - 6:56Now, the last thing I wanted to do
was leave New York, -
6:56 - 6:59and my dream job,
-
6:59 - 7:02but I thought you made sacrifices
for your soulmate, -
7:02 - 7:05so I agreed, and I quit my job,
-
7:05 - 7:08and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
-
7:08 - 7:12I had no idea I was falling
into crazy love, -
7:12 - 7:16that I was walking headfirst
into a carefully laid -
7:16 - 7:19physical, financial
and psychological trap. -
7:21 - 7:24The next step
in the domestic violence pattern -
7:24 - 7:26is to introduce the threat of violence
-
7:28 - 7:30and see how she reacts.
-
7:30 - 7:33And here's where those guns come in.
-
7:33 - 7:36As soon as we moved
to New England - you know, -
7:36 - 7:38that place where Connor
was supposed to feel so safe - -
7:38 - 7:41he bought three guns.
-
7:41 - 7:44He kept one in the glove compartment
of our car. -
7:44 - 7:47He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
-
7:47 - 7:50and the third one
he kept in his pocket at all times. -
7:50 - 7:52And he said that he needed those guns
-
7:52 - 7:55because of the trauma
he'd experienced as a young boy. -
7:55 - 7:58He needed them to feel protected.
-
7:58 - 8:00But those guns were really
a message for me, -
8:00 - 8:03and even though he hadn't raised
a hand to me, -
8:03 - 8:07my life was already in grave danger
every minute of every day. -
8:10 - 8:12Conor first physically attacked me
-
8:12 - 8:15five days before our wedding.
-
8:16 - 8:19It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
-
8:20 - 8:22I was working on my computer
-
8:22 - 8:24trying to finish
a freelance writing assignment, -
8:24 - 8:26and I got frustrated,
-
8:26 - 8:29and Conor used my anger as an excuse
-
8:29 - 8:31to put both of his hands around my neck
-
8:32 - 8:36and to squeeze so tightly
that I could not breathe or scream, -
8:36 - 8:38and he used the chokehold
-
8:38 - 8:41to hit my head repeatedly
against the wall. -
8:43 - 8:47Five days later, the ten bruises
on my neck had just faded, -
8:48 - 8:50and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
-
8:50 - 8:52and I married him.
-
8:54 - 8:56Despite what had happened,
-
8:56 - 8:59I was sure we were going to live
happily ever after, -
8:59 - 9:03because I loved him,
and he loved me so much. -
9:04 - 9:06And he was very, very sorry.
-
9:06 - 9:10He had just been really stressed out
by the wedding -
9:10 - 9:12and by becoming a family with me.
-
9:13 - 9:14It was an isolated incident,
-
9:14 - 9:17and he was never going to hurt me again.
-
9:18 - 9:20It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
-
9:20 - 9:23The first time, I was driving
to find a secret beach -
9:23 - 9:25and I got lost,
-
9:25 - 9:28and he punched me
in the side of my head so hard -
9:28 - 9:31that the other side
of my head repeatedly hit -
9:31 - 9:33the driver's side window.
-
9:33 - 9:36And then a few days later,
driving home from our honeymoon, -
9:36 - 9:39he got frustrated by traffic,
-
9:39 - 9:42and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
-
9:43 - 9:45Conor proceeded to beat me
once or twice a week -
9:45 - 9:48for the next two and a half years
of our marriage. -
9:49 - 9:52I was mistaken in thinking
that I was unique -
9:52 - 9:54and alone in this situation.
-
9:55 - 9:57One in three American women
-
9:57 - 10:00experiences domestic violence
or stalking at some point in her life, -
10:00 - 10:04and the CDC reports
that 15 million children -
10:04 - 10:07are abused every year, 15 million.
-
10:08 - 10:11So actually, I was in very good company.
-
10:12 - 10:14Back to my question:
-
10:14 - 10:16Why did I stay?
-
10:17 - 10:19The answer is easy.
-
10:19 - 10:22I didn't know he was abusing me.
-
10:22 - 10:26Even though he held
those loaded guns to my head, -
10:26 - 10:28pushed me down stairs,
-
10:28 - 10:30threatened to kill our dog,
-
10:30 - 10:33pulled the key out of the car ignition
as I drove down the highway, -
10:33 - 10:36poured coffee grinds on my head
-
10:36 - 10:38as I dressed for a job interview,
-
10:38 - 10:42I never once thought of myself
as a battered wife. -
10:42 - 10:46Instead, I was a very strong woman
-
10:46 - 10:48in love with a deeply troubled man,
-
10:48 - 10:50and I was the only person on Earth
-
10:50 - 10:53who could help Conor face his demons.
-
10:55 - 10:58The other question everybody asks is,
-
10:58 - 11:00why doesn't she just leave?
-
11:00 - 11:04Why didn't I walk out?
I could have left any time. -
11:04 - 11:09To me, this is the saddest
and most painful question that people ask, -
11:09 - 11:12because we victims
know something you usually don't: -
11:12 - 11:16It's incredibly dangerous
to leave an abuser. -
11:16 - 11:20Because the final step
in the domestic violence pattern -
11:20 - 11:21is kill her.
-
11:22 - 11:26Over 70 percent
of domestic violence murders -
11:26 - 11:30happen after the victim
has ended the relationship, -
11:30 - 11:32after she's gotten out,
-
11:32 - 11:34because then the abuser
has nothing left to lose. -
11:34 - 11:37Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
-
11:37 - 11:40even after the abuser remarries;
-
11:40 - 11:42denial of financial resources;
-
11:42 - 11:45and manipulation
of the family court system -
11:45 - 11:47to terrify the victim and her children,
-
11:47 - 11:52who are regularly forced
by family court judges -
11:52 - 11:54to spend unsupervised time
-
11:54 - 11:57with the man who beat their mother.
-
11:58 - 12:01And still we ask,
why doesn't she just leave? -
12:02 - 12:04I was able to leave,
-
12:04 - 12:07because of one final, sadistic beating
-
12:07 - 12:10that broke through my denial.
-
12:10 - 12:13I realized that the man
who I loved so much -
12:14 - 12:16was going to kill me if I let him.
-
12:17 - 12:19So I broke the silence.
-
12:19 - 12:21I told everyone:
-
12:21 - 12:25the police, my neighbors,
-
12:25 - 12:29my friends and family, total strangers,
-
12:30 - 12:34and I'm here today
because you all helped me. -
12:36 - 12:38We tend to stereotype victims
-
12:38 - 12:41as grisly headlines,
-
12:42 - 12:45self-destructive women, damaged goods.
-
12:45 - 12:48The question, "Why does she stay?"
-
12:48 - 12:53is code for some people for,
"It's her fault for staying," -
12:53 - 12:57as if victims intentionally choose
to fall in love with men -
12:57 - 12:59intent upon destroying us.
-
12:59 - 13:02But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
-
13:02 - 13:05I have heard hundreds of stories
from men and women -
13:05 - 13:08who also got out,
-
13:08 - 13:12who learned an invaluable life lesson
from what happened, -
13:12 - 13:16and who rebuilt lives -
joyous, happy lives - -
13:16 - 13:19as employees, wives and mothers,
-
13:19 - 13:23lives completely free of violence,
like me. -
13:24 - 13:28Because it turns out that I'm actually
a very typical domestic violence victim -
13:28 - 13:31and a typical domestic violence survivor.
-
13:32 - 13:35I remarried a kind and gentle man,
-
13:35 - 13:37and we have those three kids.
-
13:37 - 13:41I have that black lab,
and I have that minivan. -
13:41 - 13:44What I will never have again,
-
13:44 - 13:47ever,
-
13:47 - 13:49is a loaded gun held to my head
-
13:49 - 13:53by someone who says that he loves me.
-
13:53 - 13:56Right now, maybe you're thinking,
-
13:56 - 13:57"Wow, this is fascinating,"
-
13:57 - 14:01or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
-
14:01 - 14:06but this whole time,
I've actually been talking about you. -
14:07 - 14:10I promise you there are several people
-
14:10 - 14:12listening to me right now
-
14:12 - 14:15who are currently being abused
-
14:15 - 14:17or who were abused as children
-
14:17 - 14:21or who are abusers themselves.
-
14:21 - 14:23Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
-
14:23 - 14:27your sister, your best friend right now.
-
14:28 - 14:31I was able to end my own crazy love story
-
14:31 - 14:34by breaking the silence.
-
14:34 - 14:36I'm still breaking the silence today.
-
14:37 - 14:40It's my way of helping other victims,
-
14:40 - 14:43and it's my final request of you.
-
14:44 - 14:46Talk about what you heard here.
-
14:46 - 14:49Abuse thrives only in silence.
-
14:49 - 14:53You have the power
to end domestic violence -
14:53 - 14:56simply by shining a spotlight on it.
-
14:57 - 14:59We victims need everyone.
-
15:00 - 15:03We need every one of you to understand
-
15:04 - 15:07the secrets of domestic violence.
-
15:08 - 15:11Show abuse the light of day
by talking about it -
15:11 - 15:13with your children, your coworkers,
-
15:13 - 15:15your friends and family.
-
15:15 - 15:18Recast survivors as wonderful,
lovable people -
15:18 - 15:21with full futures.
-
15:22 - 15:24Recognize the early signs of violence
-
15:24 - 15:27and conscientiously intervene,
-
15:27 - 15:31deescalate it,
show victims a safe way out. -
15:32 - 15:35Together we can make our beds,
-
15:36 - 15:39our dinner tables and our families
-
15:39 - 15:42the safe and peaceful oases
they should be. -
15:42 - 15:44Thank you.
-
15:44 - 15:48(Applause)
- Title:
- Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TEDxRainier
- Description:
-
Leslie Morgan Steiner was in “crazy love” -- that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 16:01