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← This Is Not Me: Enduring Syria's War

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Showing Revision 6 created 07/02/2014 by kelsey5.

  1. (Arabic singing)
  2. (Mohamad) In Syria, I was working a good job.
  3. I dreamed to be a very, very big businessman. (chuckles)
  4. I was only thinking about my future,
  5. And then I arrested. (laughs)
  6. I was like, I was happy,
  7. because I believe in the revolution.
  8. (Husam) At the very beginning, I was afraid.
  9. I said, "No, come on. I know my people."
  10. "Syrians are so coward."
  11. "The Syrian regime is so horribly brutal."
  12. Then I went and I saw what's going on there.
  13. It was so amazing! Actually I was the coward one.
  14. Because those people started the revolution, and then I joined it.
  15. I thought, "We have internet now, the people are watching us."
  16. Everybody is respecting what we are doing, because they know we have a dictator.
  17. And the regime will not be able to commit any massacres
  18. Like what happened in Hama.
  19. But apparently we were wrong.
  20. (Arabic)
  21. (gunfire)
  22. (Mohamad) I got arrested, and the second time, they will kill me.
  23. I ran away from Syria to Lebanon.
  24. And then I went to Jordan. I went to Dubai,
  25. I went to Turkey,
  26. I came back to Jordan, I went to Egypt.
  27. I feel like someone following me, always.
  28. Everywhere.
  29. (Arabic)
  30. (Husam) I might go to my work, have a normal day.
  31. Maybe some explosions happening next to my house in Damascus.
  32. It's like having cancer in your body,
  33. And you're not sure if you'll get rid of it or not.
  34. And I've spent most of my time in this room.
  35. And I feel so lost. I don't know what I want to do.
  36. Do I want to stay here? Do I want to go back?
  37. And many times, many friends ask me,
  38. "Everything's okay? What happened?"
  39. Say I'm just thinking about my country.
  40. (Arabic)
  41. (Mohamad) My family doesn't have anything.
  42. And I didn't send alimony, I didn't trick her.
  43. I really wish to take care of all them, but how?
  44. I'm asking myself how.
  45. Fighters, they make me very happy,
  46. but I felt more guilty. They left everything.
  47. Families, business,
  48. They went to fight.
  49. because they want to protect their cities.
  50. And me? For me, I run away.
  51. I didn't protect anything.
  52. They are Syrian. Am I?
  53. (Arabic)
  54. (Husam) A friend of mine, he's dead now. Basil Shehada.
  55. We got this scholarship together, and we were trying to convince each other,
  56. "It's okay, it's not selfishness if we go out and get it,
  57. because we have, we have a chance now. We have - both of us have scholarships."
  58. Mohamad called me from Egypt. He said,
  59. "Do you know where Basil is?"
  60. I said, "Yeah, he is in New York." And then he told me, "No he is not."
  61. "He is in Homs, and he is dead."
  62. And then I went to the room and I checked the Facebook.
  63. And I saw the video, that he was really killed.
  64. I had very weird feelings. A mixture of feeling guilty,
  65. Selfishness, sad.
  66. I didn't know what to do.
  67. Why am I here, and why he went back?
  68. (Singing in Arabic)
  69. I was so shocked. So, so shocked.
  70. It was like three days of not believing this.
  71. Because it's like, it's like me going there and getting killed.
  72. You know because it's, it's exactly the same situation as mine.
  73. And that's why I feel guilty. Why, why him? Why not me?
  74. (Mohamad) I always have the choice
  75. To go back to my country, my city.
  76. I will not fight.
  77. I will go to free areas, staying with my friends.
  78. Doing something - I don't know what is it.
  79. I don't want to die,
  80. But sometimes you don't have another choice.
  81. (Husam) I will not fight. I don't want to kill anyone.
  82. Even if he will, if he will kill me. I don't know.
  83. I don't know if someone who will want to kill me.
  84. I'm sure I will protect myself.
  85. (explosion)
  86. So, but I don't want to kill anyone.
  87. But if it's necessary, I will do it.
  88. (Mohamad) I don't care about anything.
  89. I just care about my family, and I will tell them -
  90. I will tell my mom, "I'm going to Syria."
  91. I am sure she will cry. Maybe she will die before I will die.
  92. She will be very afraid, very scared about me.
  93. I am the only boy of my family,
  94. But, alas, I don't have another choice.
  95. I couldn't stay in Beirut.
  96. As Syrians,
  97. We are not welcome in any country.
  98. Nobody help us, the only country that they won't welcome.
  99. For Syrians, because it's Syria.
  100. You're not like, like a human?
  101. They came from soil, and they came back to soil.
  102. (Husam) Sometimes, at the beginning when I was calling my family,
  103. I was shaking when I'm calling them, because I thought,
  104. "Oh my God, my brother got killed."
  105. Now I think, "Okay, what can I do?"
  106. And I expect this, to be honest with you. So fucking difficult.
  107. I expect that one day, my mom calls me and says,
  108. "You're dad", or, "your brother was killed."
  109. I used to call my mom like twice a day,
  110. Or maybe three times depending on the number of, uh, bombings.
  111. And now I read there's ten explosions in Damascus,
  112. and I thought, "Okay, if something bad happens, I will get bad news."
  113. In Arabic, we say bad news comes very fast.
  114. Because I'm fed up. I could not take it anymore, you know?
  115. It's not like that I'm angry with the people.
  116. I don't know, maybe I'm angry with myself.
  117. What makes me angry is my -
  118. my inability to do anything.
  119. I feel like I'm so disabled,
  120. because I'm lost. I'm lost in all aspects.
  121. I'm lost culturally.
  122. I'm lost, uh, regarding my faith.
  123. I'm not angry, I'm desperate.
  124. I'm not angry.
  125. I always try to convince myself that I'm so strong,
  126. and I can overcome it like this, but
  127. from inside, I'm not doing well.
  128. I'm not happy with what's going on.
  129. And I'm not happy with how I react
  130. to this unbelievably bad circumstances,
  131. but still my reaction is so weird.
  132. It's like, not me.
  133. I would never react the way I'm reacting now.
  134. (Arabic)