Remember to say thank you
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0:00 - 0:04Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of
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0:04 - 0:07praise, admiration and thank you,
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0:07 - 0:09and having it be specific and genuine.
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0:09 - 0:11And the way I got interested in this was,
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0:11 - 0:14I noticed in myself, when I was growing up,
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0:14 - 0:15and until about a few years ago,
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0:15 - 0:17that I would want to say thank you to someone,
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0:17 - 0:18I would want to praise them,
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0:18 - 0:20I would want to take in their praise of me
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0:20 - 0:22and I'd just stop it.
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0:22 - 0:25And I asked myself, why?
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0:25 - 0:27I felt shy, I felt embarrassed.
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0:27 - 0:29And then my question became,
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0:29 - 0:31am I the only one who does this?
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0:31 - 0:32So, I decided to investigate.
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0:32 - 0:35I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility,
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0:35 - 0:38so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction.
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0:38 - 0:42And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as,
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0:42 - 0:47their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them.
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0:47 - 0:49But then, they hear from all the family and friends
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0:49 - 0:52that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him,
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0:52 - 0:53but he never told the son.
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0:53 - 0:56It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
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0:56 - 1:00So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need?
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1:00 - 1:02I know a gentleman, married for 25 years,
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1:02 - 1:04who's longing to hear his wife say,
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1:04 - 1:07"Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids,"
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1:07 - 1:08but won't ask.
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1:08 - 1:10I know a woman who's good at this.
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1:10 - 1:12She, once a week, meets with her husband and says,
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1:12 - 1:16"I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids."
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1:16 - 1:19And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great."
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1:19 - 1:21And praise really does have to be genuine,
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1:21 - 1:23but she takes responsibility for that.
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1:23 - 1:26And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten,
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1:26 - 1:29she thanks her children for doing their chores.
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1:29 - 1:31And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
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1:31 - 1:33So, the question is, why was I blocking it?
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1:33 - 1:34Why were other people blocking it?
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1:34 - 1:37Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare,
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1:37 - 1:40I need size six shoes," but I won't say,
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1:40 - 1:42"Would you praise me this way?"
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1:42 - 1:46And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me.
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1:46 - 1:48I'm telling you where I'm insecure.
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1:48 - 1:50I'm telling you where I need your help.
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1:50 - 1:53And I'm treating you, my inner circle,
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1:53 - 1:55like you're the enemy.
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1:55 - 1:57Because what can you do with that data?
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1:57 - 1:59You could neglect me.
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1:59 - 2:00You could abuse it.
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2:00 - 2:02Or you could actually meet my need.
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2:02 - 2:04And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this --
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2:04 - 2:07same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels.
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2:07 - 2:09The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels,
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2:09 - 2:10it's going to make the bike so much better."
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2:10 - 2:12I get the same bike back,
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2:12 - 2:15and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels
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2:15 - 2:18I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new.
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2:18 - 2:20So, I'm going to challenge all of you.
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2:20 - 2:22I want you to true your wheels:
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2:22 - 2:25be honest about the praise that you need to hear.
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2:25 - 2:27What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife --
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2:27 - 2:29go ask her, what does she need?
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2:29 - 2:31Go home to your husband -- what does he need?
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2:31 - 2:34Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
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2:34 - 2:35And it's simple.
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2:35 - 2:37And why should we care about this?
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2:37 - 2:38We talk about world peace.
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2:38 - 2:41How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages?
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2:41 - 2:45I think it starts household by household, under the same roof.
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2:45 - 2:47So, let's make it right in our own backyard.
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2:47 - 2:49And I want to thank all of you in the audience
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2:49 - 2:51for being great husbands, great mothers,
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2:51 - 2:53friends, daughters, sons.
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2:53 - 2:54And maybe somebody's never said that to you,
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2:54 - 2:56but you've done a really, really good job.
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2:56 - 2:59And thank you for being here, just showing up
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2:59 - 3:02and changing the world with your ideas.
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3:02 - 3:04Thank you.
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3:04 - 3:11(Applause)
- Title:
- Remember to say thank you
- Speaker:
- Laura Trice
- Description:
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In this deceptively simple 3-minute talk, Dr. Laura Trice muses on the power of the magic words "thank you" -- to deepen a friendship, to repair a bond, to make sure another person knows what they mean to you. Try it.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 03:11
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