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The biggest sin that I was holding on to
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was my doubts and unbelief
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in the Lord Jesus Christ -
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that He was able to save my soul;
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to just trust in Him.
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And it would always be like,
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ok, I trust in Him, and then...
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Ok, I've got to repent and
believe in that enough;
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I've got to keep trusting in Him
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and that will save my soul.
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I've got to keep believing Him
and that will save my soul.
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I've got to repent enough;
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turn away from my sin enough,
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and that will save my soul.
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I mean, the Gospel to me
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was pretty much a law.
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It was repent and believe,
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and you won't go to hell.
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But it was different.
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It was a law.
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It wasn't the free grace of God in it
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that God would save me.
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It was like, oh, I'm going to seek You
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with all my heart and soul
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and then I'm going to bend Your arm, God.
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I'm going to try and pray enough.
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I'm going to seek You
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and it never sufficed.
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There's never completeness in it all.
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It would always fail,
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even though I sought God;
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cried out to Him;
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prayed, thought good thoughts about Him.
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It didn't suffice.
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God wasn't looking at my works
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even though I prayed good.
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I mean before, I actually thought -
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when I was thinking I was a Christian
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and everything like that,
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I thought, man, look at my performance.
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I just prayed really good there.
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Then all of a sudden,
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I would even have the thought
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but that doesn't matter.
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You know Christ matters.
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And then that right there,
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because I said that,
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that was my performance right there.
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Because I was acknowledging that
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it's Christ's work.
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And me pointing to Christ
and saying, "it's His."
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That was how I was performing before God.
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And that's what I was holding on to.
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I was holding on to:
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I'm a special case.
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I mean, I can't believe...
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woe is me.
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The big thing was,
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God was pointing at me and saying,
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you won't believe.
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My Gospel is free and it
extends its arm to you.
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Nothing holds you back
from trusting in My Son.
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You're the one that won't come.
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And I kept thinking,
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well, I guess I'll wait.
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Wait for that special feeling.
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The more I waited,
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the fruit of waiting came more doubts
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and unbelief about God.
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Hatred towards Him and everything.
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And then, ok, I'm going to cry out to Him.
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People would tell me,
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cry out to the Lord.
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If you really cry out to
Him, He'll answer you.
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I was like, ok.
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So I cried out to Him,
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and I'm thinking about Him
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and trying...
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I was trusting in my crying out to Him.
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I came to a point where
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I can just believe in
the Lord Jesus Christ,
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that it was His prayers that were
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100% completely perfect.
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And all that merit of Him is now
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imputed to my account.
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Not that I'm perfect and righteous
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in my own self,
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but there's righteousness in Him.
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And if I keep believing in Him
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and trusting in Him -
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not that these are works
or anything like that,
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but it's a ceasing -
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giving up and saying,
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He has a righteousness
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that's going to pay for all my sin.
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His death pays for all my sin.
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It's His righteousness that covers me
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and clothes me.
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And God looks at me with love now
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because of Christ
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and not because of myself.
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There's absolutely nothing inside me
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that I can come to God with.
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It has to come from outside.
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There has to be Christ.
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If I don't have Christ,
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then I don't have that
propitiation that He's made,
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how can I come to God?
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I mean, if I didn't see the Gospel,
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all I would be doing is
trying to bend God's arm,
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even though I was condemned.
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I was a vile, filthy sinner before Him.
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I mean, we hope in the Lord
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because He saves.
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We pray to God because He answers.
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I mean, we look to Christ
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because He saves us.
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He steps in our place
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when we should be there.
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I mean, it's to the one who does not work
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but believes in Him Who
justifies the ungodly,
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his faith - the person who does not work
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and believes in God who
justifies the ungodly,
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his faith is counted as righteousness.
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Not the person who trusts in his works;
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trusts in his prayers;
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and trusts in his sighs
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and says, oh wow, I did good this time.
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He doesn't have any peace from God.
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God might give him up to that
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and give him a peace in it,
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and He'd be perfectly just in doing that.
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But in His mercy,
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He causes no peace for that person.
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That person, like me,
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that was trying to repent,
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trying to believe,
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trying to come to God,
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trying and doing anything
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to come to God
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outside of His Son and what He's done,
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it's nothing.
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I can't give God my heart
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and then God's going
to give me His heart.
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No.
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God comes down and says,
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here's My Son.
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Do you consent?
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Will you believe in Him?
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This is My beloved Son.
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I'm well pleased with Him.
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He's willing to take your place.
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Will you trust Him?
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And then people would go,
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well, what about election?
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Find your election in Jesus Christ.
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Election has done but saved people.
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If He didn't elect,
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we'd all be like Sodom and Gomorrah.
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Totally trashed.
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Everything would be totally gone.
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There would be no salvation for anybody.
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But because God saves...
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God is a loving God
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and we're wicked.
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The thing is,
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we have a wrong view about God
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when we start going,
well, I don't know if I'm elect.
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Because we're saying, God,
You're a tyrant.
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You're the person that elects people,
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and I guess I'm just
going to have to wait.
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And we sit around waiting
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and just harbor bad thoughts about God,
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instead of coming to
Him exactly as we are.
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He is loving.
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God is love.
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And He gives a righteousness
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to sinners.
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People who just come to Him
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exactly as they are.
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Not trying to put on a show.
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Just saying, God, I hate you.
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I mean literally,
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you can come to God exactly as you are.
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But don't expect to stay like that.
Because His love encompasses you.
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John 5:39-40 "You search the Scriptures because
you think that in them you have eternal life;
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and it is they that bear witness about Me, yet you
refused to come to Me that you may have life."