Why do we sabotage love? | Raquel Peel | TEDxJCUCairns

For many, love is failing as a lot of us are guilty of self-sabotage. Raquel Peel studies romantic relationships. In a poignant, deep, and insightful talk, she shares the results from her research and her own journey of self-sabotage. This talk will instigate you to turn the lens on yourself and your own behaviors in relationships.

Raquel Peel is currently doing a PhD and is a lecturer at James Cook University. She holds a Bachelor of Psychology with Honors and a Bachelor of Arts with double major in Art History and Music. She has conducted research in suicide, bullying, stigma, religiosity, rural health, and romantic relationships.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Why do we sabotage love?

The saying goes, "Love is grand,"

so it seems strange that many of us
set out to sabotage it.

As it stands, there is a distinct
lack of knowledge to explain

why some people having successfully
initiated a relationship,

embark upon what appears to be
a path to destruction.

They meet that great person,

then they find faults, become untrusting,

and assume the relationship will end,
without much evidence.

People seem to pull the plug
on a relationship too quickly

as things become serious or difficult,

no matter how perfect
the potential partner might be.

Is this you?

Or maybe someone you know?

Perhaps it's the person sitting
right next to you.

Well, I suspect there
are a lot of people out there

who are or have been
a romantic self-saboteur.

And that is why I've decided to pursue
a PhD on this very topic.

So yes, that is a bit of a journey.

To understand self-sabotage
in romantic relationships,

I have conducted two studies.

In the first study, I interviewed
psychologists from all over Australia

who specialize in romantic relationships.

I really wanted to understand
what self-sabotage looks like in practice.

After months of interviews,
I came to one conclusion:

people do tend to behave
in similar ways or patterns

as they move from
one relationship to the next.

In the second study,

I wanted to understand how people
in relationships behaved and why.

So, to that end,

I surveyed over 600 people
from all over the globe.

My participants varied in age,
cultural background,

and sexual orientation,

but yet they answered
in very similar ways.

So, from those interviews and surveys,
I have compiled a list of behaviors

which are very destructive
in a relationship.

Four of these behaviors stood out

as they have been previously identified

by a well-known psychologist
and researcher, John Gottman.

These are criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling.

He calls this "The Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse."

How fitting.

So these might tell you how someone
might sabotage a relationship.

As to the why, it seems that people
sabotage relationships

for one main reason:
to protect themselves.

That makes sense;
that is a valid way to be.

So, there you have it - you now know
what sabotage looks like in relationships,

how it might be done, and why.

But hold on, things are never that simple.

I suspect there is a lot more
to why people sabotage love.

So, what I'd like to do today

is to walk you through
some of the responses

from people in my study.

When asked to explain

why they can't maintain
successful, long-term relationship,

this is what my participants have said.

Take this one:
female participant, age 25.

"I am always afraid
it's not going to work

or I am going to get hurt."

Another example:
this male participant, age 41.

"I have a fear of getting hurt
by being the one broken up with."

Now, we know that people
who are motivated to self-protect

tend to have difficulties
with self-esteem.

Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves
and our own self-worth,

but this concept is highly validated
by social interactions.

Let me show you another example:

this female participant, age 34.

"I avoid people who like me.

I think there is something
wrong with them."

(Laughter)

People with self-esteem difficulties

will self-sabotage
because they experience fret.

Again, they do it to protect themselves.

So overall,

self-saboteurs hold
insecure views of themselves,

others, and relationships.

And this is usually due to having had
difficult relationships in the past,

growing up, say, with their parents,
peers, or romantic partners.

This is really tough to escape,

and for self-saboteurs,
this is even harder.

I have another example:
male participant, age 35.

"My high expectations of people

hold me back from maintaining
a successful relationship."

Now let me tell you,
the way people choose to self-sabotage

will be uniquely tailored
by their past experiences,

but no matter how unique,

their journey is often met
with a twist of fate.

People who regularly self-sabotage

will finally become
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So they tell themselves
they cannot do a task.

Their claims will translate
their performance into real outcomes.

It's like staring into a crystal ball,
knowing exactly what's going to happen.

I have more examples:

female participant, age 25.

"I put myself in relationships
which are doomed to fail from the start

as I have fear of being abandoned."

Another female participant, age 25.

"I know that me trying to maintain
a distance like that

is one of the reasons
my relationships always fail."

I have countless examples just like this,

but one of them is actually standing
right in front of you.

Hello, my name is Raquel.

I am a recovering romantic self-saboteur.

This is a photo of me in my hometown,
Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil.

Before meeting my husband,

I found myself in a pattern
of self-sabotage.

After years of studying
psychology and researching,

I now know that it could be
because I was abandoned at birth

and left for dead at a public hospital.

I spent months at the hospital

because I was premature
and very, very sick.

But later, I was actually adopted
by the nurse who took care of me

and her husband, an Air Force surgeon.

So I'm really lucky,
and I have amazing parents.

But this early life experience shaped me.

I assume that people in a relationship
with me would eventually leave me.

I also assume that all my relationships
will fail, without much evidence.

Consequently, I am often thinking
how best to protect myself,

and I count on the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse to do the job

with criticism, defensiveness,
contempt, and stonewalling.

Just ask my husband.

(Laughter)

But let me tell you, it doesn't work.

If I have not been able to convince you
of the irony of self-sabotage just yet,

let me try one more time.

We do what we do to protect ourselves,
but we get hurt anyway.

Maybe in a less public or obvious way,
but we get hurt nevertheless.

This whole dynamic is like living
inside a Sam Smith's song

"Too Good at Goodbyes."

"I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me,

Because every time I open up, it hurts."

Does that sound familiar?

Yes, yes it does.

That was me in relationships.

But the way out of this cycle
is to actually find safety

in the person that you love.

We need a safe haven to got to
so we don't have to protect ourselves.

I now have that with my husband.

Let me show you some photos.
I just couldn't resist.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Yes.

So, a lot of people come to me and ask,

"How did things change to you?
What happened?"

I have been conducting research

into what works to maintain
long-term relationships.

So I have combined what I have learned
into three tips for you.

But before I tell you,

let me just say we should not be pursuing
every relationship that comes our way.

I would like to tell you

to pursue those relationships
that have the potential to work -

they are good.

And what's standing in your way
is just self-sabotage tendencies.

So for those,

tip number one: insight.

Take a really good look at yourself
and your behaviors in relationships.

Ask yourself:

Are you someone who needs
a lot of reassurance from your partner?

Are you someone who gets nervous
when things get too close?

Are you someone who counts on
the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

to protect you?

If yes, you could be
a romantic self-saboteur.

But please don't shoot the messenger.

I know these are very
uncomfortable questions.

I just needed to think about it.

I have told you my reasons
for wanting to protect myself.

What are yours?

Tip number two: expectation.

Think about your expectations
of your romantic partners.

Do you expect they should know
what you are thinking or want

all the time?

Do you get frustrated

when they're not living up
to your expectations or standards?

Are your expectations even realistic?

And tip number three: collaboration.

We need to figure out
how to collaborate with our partners

and how even to be vulnerable together.

Are you and your partner in the same team?

Do you talk to your partner
about your relationship goals?

Do you see you and your partner
together long-term?

Now, those tips
are not an overnight solution

or a one-size-fits-all solution.

So it's got to take a lot of work
and a lot of patience, believe me.

And there might be a lot more
that you need to implement

than just these three tips.

But this is a good start, okay?

Because after all,
a lot of what I've talked here today

is nothing new.

What is new is turning
the lens on yourselves

and starting to figure out

what you can do to maintain
long-term and healthy relationships.

Change is really hard, but not impossible.

I have been on this journey now

for eight years, eight months,
two weeks, and three days.

So, if you are someone who needs
to break the pattern of self-sabotage,

please be kind on yourselves.

It's natural to want to protect yourself,

but the way out of it is to have insight
into who you are in a relationship,

your expectations
of your romantic partners,

and how best to collaborate with them.

Because after all, if you know
who you are in a relationship,

your partner will also have a chance
to get to know you,

and together you can break
the pattern of sabotage.

Let me finish by saying this:

love will never be easy,

but without self-sabotage,
it is a lot more reachable, believe me.

Thank you.

(Applause)