Robert Wuhl's Assume the Position 101 and 201 - HD

A different way of looking at history.
Tolstoy once said; "history is a wonderful thing, if only it were true."

[scratching]

[hummm]

[school bell ] r-r-r-r-i-n-g-g-g!

[percussion music]

(Robert Wuhl)
I want to welcome everyone

to “Assume the Position”.

I like that title.

[audience laughing]

And, this is going to be a different way
to look at history.

Tolstoy said, "History is
a wonderful thing,

if only it were true."

[audience laughing]

And that’s what the course is.

It’s the stories that made up America,
and the stories that America made up.

[History is Pop Culture]

I’m going to assume the position,
right off the bat,

that history is pop culture.

Now, when I say pop culture,
what comes to your mind?

Who…who comes to your mind?
Anybody in particular?

(Male Student #1)
Brittney Spears.

Brittney Spears! Never fails!
Never, never fails! Anybody else?

(Male Student #2)
Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears,
you think back…

I think...Christopher Columbus.
[audience laughing]

Behind me are three interpretations
of Christopher Columbus.

I say interpretations, because Chris
never sat for a portrait

during his entire lifetime.

So nobody REALLY knows
what this guy looks like.

You can have a Paul Giamatti Columbus…
[audience laughing]

the Sting Columbus…
[audience laughing]

or, the John Malckovich Columbus.
[audience laughing]

Now, there are very few
universal truths in the world.

One is, food always tastes better,
when somebody else is paying for it.

Universal truth. The other is that
everybody in this room was taught

the story of how Columbus went
before Queen Isabella of Spain,

and he was going to prove to her
that the world was…

(Audience) Round.

Do you know Queen Isabella of Spain?
Pretty smart woman, I gotta believe,

would’ve said to Christopher Columbus
when he laid this line on her, he would...

she would look at him and go,
“Chris [inaudible], Aristotle figured out the world

was round 2,000 years ago! This is 1492,
the year they invented...the globe.”

[tap]
Tonk!
[audience laughing]

So, this world is round story,
is a 100% bullshit.

It’s total fiction, yet, HOW
did our grandparents learn this?

We learned this, our grandchildren
are probably going to learn this.

How come?
Because, history is pop culture.

And, the early 1800s, the biggest
pop culture figure in America

decided HE was going to tell the story.
His name…Washington Irving.

This is Washington Irving, and he
is our nation’s first American idol.

[audience chuckling]

Now, we gotta remember,
what is media in the early 1800s?

What is media, then? Ahmmm,
you got a town crier,

so his circulation is what—
about 50 yards?

[audience laughing]

You got newspapers, and they’re local.

And, you have books.
Books are everything.

And, when it came to books,
this guy becomes Stephen King,

Steven Tyler, and Steven Spielberg
rolled up into one,

starting with his first book,
The Knickerbocker Tales.

Now, how popular was this book?

The New York Knicks, to this day,
get their name from the Knickerbockers.

How popular was this book?
Because Diedrich Knickerbocker

wore his pants below the knee,
we came up with “knickers”.

OK, so this guy’s hot. He’s like
Quentin Tarantino at the Pulp Fiction.

What’s he gonna follow up with?
What can possibly beat the first one?

How about a little thing called,
Rip Van Winkle?

You remember Rip Van Winkle?
A story about a man with a nagging wife,

he gets drunk, goes to sleep
for twenty years,

wakes up, his wife is dead,
and he lives happily ever after.

[audience laughing]

That’s the story of Rip Van Winkle!
OK, so now he’s two for two, right?

He’s like outcast following Ms. Jackson
with, “Hey ya!”

What can he possibly come up with next?
A little something called,

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.
How popular was this book?

Two hundred years later,
Johnny Depp wanted in.

[audience laughing]

So now, Washington Irving

is America’s first
internationally known author.

He has got a worldwide audience,

so he wants to write
a worldwide best seller.

And, what does he come up with?

[swipe in]

The Life and Voyages
of Christopher Columbus.

This becomes the biggest hit
in American publishing history…

at least until
[swipe in]
Volume 2.

[audience laughing]

OK—I threw in the
Fellowship of the Ships.

This becomes the biggest hit

in publishing only until . . .
[swipe in]
Volume 3.

Sequels--nothing is new.

They had ‘em then,
they’ll have ‘em forever. OK?

But, what’s more important
is that HERE is where the “world is round”

stories come from. It’s not out of fact;
it is totally out of his fiction.

You know, Napoleon once said,
“History is a myth

that men agree to believe.”
Well, so many people have read this myth

that it creates what I have to call,
The Liberty Valance Effect.

There is a great old western,
if you haven’t seen it, called,

“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”.

It stars Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne,
and it was directed by...

(male student)
John Ford.

Awwww . . . there you go.
John Ford.

Only two film students came up with that?
Shame on you!

Shame on you! Orson Wells,
when once asked, "Who are the three

greatest American directors?" replied,
“John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford.”

John Ford has four academy awards.
Four! Not that the Academy awards

is a “be all and end all” of everything.
I mean, Ben Affleck’s got a fuckin’

Oscar for God sakes
you know what I'm saying?

[audience laughing]

You know, let’s put things
in perspective a little bit here.

But, in this movie, Jimmy Stewart
plays a man who rises to become

a hero, because he’s credited
with killing the notorious outlaw,

Liberty Valance.
At the end of the movie, however,

Jimmy Stewart confesses to his biographer
that he really didn’t kill Liberty Valance...

that John Wayne did. Hearing this,
his biographer takes his notes,

and tears them all up. And Jimmy goes,
“W-w-w-what, you’re not gonna use that?”

The biographist says,
No.” This is the West, sir.

When the legend becomes fact,
print the legend.

When the legend becomes fact,
print the legend.

Say that with me.
When the legend becomes fact,

(audience)
print the legend.

This is what's happened
with Washington Irving and Columbus.

He has created the Columbus legend,
the legend has become fact,

and we print the legend.

Now, you can say this
is some isolated incident,

and I would say,
“Oh, contraire mon Frere”.

How about this guy?

1775, Boston Massachusetts,
a British postal worker, 23 years old,

a postal rider, hears that
the British are invading.

He gets on a horse and rides 350 miles
to warn the colonists. And, his name is…

(audience)
Paul Revere.

His name is Israel Bissell.
[audience laughing]

Israel Bissell.
Now, did Paul Revere ride?

Absolutely. He went a good…
[descending sound]
oooh…19 miles.

[audience laughing]
Nineteen miles. He went

from Boston to Cambridge.
[audience laughing]

The only person he could’ve warned
was the Dean of Harvard.
[audience laughing]

Israel Bissell, on the other hand,
goes from Boston,

[horse galloping]
across Massachusetts,
down through Rhode Island,

across Connecticut, down into New York,
across New Jersey, to Philadelphia.

Guys, how chafed are Bissell’s balls
at this point I want to tell ya?

I mean he’s on a horse.
This is a long ride on Amtrak!

[audience laughing]

But, the question is, how come

we never heard of Israel Bissell,
but everybody knows Paul Revere?

How come?
Because, pop culture is history,

and in the 1860’s, the biggest pop culture
figure of that time decided

HE was going to tell the story.
His name, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Now, I would say Longfellow
was probably the Jerry Bruckheimer

of romantic poetry.

He writes these big, action-packed,
stirring sagas, these epic length poems,

starting with one you may have heard
called, Evangeline.

D' remember--everyone know
about Evangeline?

Has one of the great, great dramatic
opening lines of all time.

It went like this,
“This is the forest primeval.

Caw, caw, caw, caw.”

[audience laughing]

You like that little [inaudible]
I threw in right there, eh?

Ok, he follows that with not one,
but two blockbusters—

The Courtship of Miles Standish.
And, he follows that up with,

The Song of Hiawatha.
You know the song of Hiawatha?

[drumming to beat of Hiawatha]

By the shores of Gitche Gumee,

by the shining Big-Sea-Waters,
so the wigwam of nakomis,

and I don’t know any "mora".
[audience laughing]

He is America’s most popular poet
til this day!

But, along comes 1860,
and what’s about to happen in 1860?

(Audience)
Civil War.

Civil War’s about to happen.
Now, Longfellow considers

himself a patriot.

And, he’ll do anything to keep
the country from splitting apart.

So, he wants to write this stirring saga
that will inspire patriotism in everyone,

except, he’s got a problem.
He’s like Jerry Bruckheimer.

He needs a name, and Israel Bissell
isn’t inspiring anybody with his name.

Israel Bissell sounds like
a Jewish vacuum cleaner.

[audience laughing]

So instead, he turns on the guy

who went 19 miles and creates a hero,
because, “Listen my children,

and you shall hear of the midnight ride
of Paul Revere.”

Sounds a whole hell of a lot better than,
“Come along kiddies!

Daddy’s gonna whistle
while he tells you all the story

about Israel Bissell Ahhh!”
We cast our heroes. We always have.

We always will. And let’s face facts.
Paul Revere is better casting

than Israel Bissell, right?
So instead he creates

the Legend of Paul Revere.
And once again, this creates

the Liberty Valance Effect.
When the legend becomes fact,

print the legend.
So, assume the position

that pop culture is history.
A hundred years from now,

when the Longfellow
or the Irving of 2105

decides HE wants to tell
his story his way,

history may very well show
that Al Gore did invent the internet,

that George W. Bush
was the most articulate statesman

the world has ever known,
and that Michael Jackson

was really the only normal one
among us all.
[audience laughing]

[upbeat wind instrument]

(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
In my view, history is…is is an air,

is a morality tale, passion play.

(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I don’t know what history is

I don’t know what history is,
but I know what it isn’t,

and it isn’t the good old days,
a more innocent time when people

were more good, and less beholden
to their pocketbooks and their genitalia.

(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
I…I think history turns on a dime;

it turns on a plugged nickel.

(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
History has a purpose. It’s not a random

series of events and facts.
It tells a story, and it’s used

by every generation
to tell stories they find useful.

(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I mean everyone loves a good story,

and I’m just as susceptible to it
as the next guy.

(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
I do remember a junior high school

teacher of mine explaining that a lot
of the founding fathers were smugglers,

and that’s why they were so opposed
to the British control of…

that’s how they got around
the British imports and taxes,

and I thought, “Really? Smugglers. Hmmm.”
[A More Perfect Union]

I’m going to take it forgranted
that everybody here loves their country.

Now, everybody loves their country
in a little bit different way.

[For] some people,
it’s a love or leave it type of thing.

And, for those of us who have been
married for twenty-plus years,

it’s more of a,
“Sure she pisses me off at times.

What the fuck am I gonna do, ya know?”
[audience laughing]

But, all I’ve been hearing about lately
is how great the founding fathers were!

How smart these guys were!
Well, they may have been smart.

They may have been geniuses,
but I know one thing for sure…

they were human.
And, humans make mistakes.

Like in the oh…say the…
first sentence of the Constitution.

[audience chuckling]
Right? Say it with me. We the People…

(audience and Wuhl)
Right? Say it with me. We the People…

of the United States, in order to form…

(audience)
a more perfect union…

(Wuhl)
A what?

(audience)
a more…

(Robert Wuhl)
A what? A what? A what?

[audience laughing]
There is no such thing as more perfect.

You’re either perfect or you’re not.
So, right off the bat, our country

is based upon a grammatical fuck up.
[audience laughing]

Who are these founding fathers?
Are they the common man?

Are they the working man?
Hell, no! They’re rich white men

that didn’t want to pay taxes.
Boy, how things have changed!

[audience laughing]
By the way, you know why?

You know why they wore all that stuff?
There was a way to show wealth.

The more material you had on,
you could show off how wealthy you were,

how upper class it was. And I often wonder
myself, if two people wanted to hook up,

what did they have to take off, ok?
For example, a woman…

[audience laughing] a woman
would have to take off her cap,

a heavily embroidered, brocade gown,
laced down the back with 26 grommets,

under that a petticoat with dozens
of hooks lacing up the back, right?

She has a farmingdale.
That’s this wide thing…

it has clothes with 19…I tell ya,
this is the only time it paid

to be a peasant.
They had no rules--no worry.

They just went ahead and just did
what they had to do.

[audience laughing]
He has to wear a tricorn hat, a perry wig,

[female screaming in ecstasy]
a heavily embroidered
brocade coat with 32 gold buttons,

flared sleeves and laced sleeves,
a brocaded vest

with more than 20 buttons.
The kneel…I think it’s safe

to assume the position
that there was no such thing

as a colonial quickie.
[audience laughing and applauding]

You didn’t think you were going
to have show-and-tell, did you?
[audience laughing]

[As American as Apple Pie]
I call this, “As American as Apple Pie.”

Now, this refers to something
that we think is a recent phenomenon,

but I—I assume the position
that it’s been around forever.

Tonight’s topic will be... “Star Fucking”.
[audience laughing]

Now, I gotta tell you I have
no political agenda whatsoever.

My dad was a republican,
my mom was a democrat,

so I kind of see both sides
of every issue.

That said, my wife
is to the left of Lenin.

[audience laughing]
I mean, she sees this guy.

She goes berserk.
How did this guy get to be governor?

This guy? He’s a celebrity!
It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.

And I look at her and I go,
“What? Are you out of your mind?”

All elections are popularity contests,
since the beginning of time.

I don’t care if it’s the prom queen,
class president,

or President of the United States.
Whoever wins is the most

popular person at that time.
Who are our first celebrities?

The war heroes, right?
Let’s start with um, our old buddy here,

George Washington.
[audience laughing]

OK…George.
He was the hero of the revolution.

Do you know how many battles he fought?
Nine. You know how many he actually won?

(male student)
Zero.

(Robert Wuhl)
Three. Three. Zero, we wouldn’t be here,

if he won zero.
[audience laughing]

But actually, he won three,
so that makes his record three and six.

Three and six?
Three and six doesn’t get you

into the Gator Bowl,
leave alone the White House, right?

But, we elected George Washington. Why?
Because he was a star, and star fucking is…

(audience in unison)
as American as apple pie.

How about our next guy, Andrew Jackson,

hero of the Battle of New Orleans
during the War of 1812.

Ahh, by the way, we don’t hear much
about the war of 1812, do we?

You think it’s because
we got our ass kicked?

[audience and Robert Wuhl laughs]
Missed that one, huh?

Actually, one of the few battles
we win is the Battle of New Orleans,

and, does anybody know…
where’s my history majors?

What makes the Battle of New Orleans
unique?

(Male Student)
The war is over.

(Female Student)
Yeah.

(Robert Wuhl)
It’s fought when the war is over.

You know, I’ve always found
that when one side says,

“You know, let’s go home,”
and the other guy goes, “Attack!”

That side usually wins.
[audience laughing]

But, we elect Andrew Jackson. Why?
Because Jackson’s a star

and star fucking is…

(audience)
as American as apple pie.

The next guy up--the most popular man
of the 19th century, more popular

than Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant,
hero of the Civil War,

and one of the great
all-time American drunks.

[audience laughing]
I said drunk--not an alcoholic.

You know the old joke between—
what’s the difference between

a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go

to those meetings!
[audience laughing]

But, America elects Grant,
because Grant’s a star,

and star fucking is…

(audience)
as American as apple pie.

In the 20th century, media changes.
So, now we got more than

just newspapers and war heroes.
Now, we have media heroes.

We have actors, we have TV,
we have radio.

So, it’s not uncommon to see
celebrities become politicians.

I mean for…I mean, I dunno—
it’s like—of course,

we had Ronald Reagan,
we had an actor, become a politician.

We also had a basketball player,
a wrestler, a gopher,

a non-alcoholic beverage.
[audience laughing]

So, if say…Alec Baldwin
decides to run for office,

it’s not the exception. It’s the norm.
In the 1800s, the biggest star

in America was Edwin Booth.
He may have had political aspirations,

but unfortunately, his brother,
John Wilkes, put the kibosh on that.

[single gunshot]
So, if I were Alec Baldwin,

personally, I’d be on the lookout
for Steven Baldwin.

[audience laughing]
I’ll tell you something else

that’s American as apple pie.
[rhythm of We Will Rock You]

You’re at the stadium. Everybody…
[rhythm of “We Will Rock You”]

OK. No matter what the score is,
everybody gets into this, right?

They’re all unified.

(Female Singer)
Buddy you’re a boy

(Wuhl joins in)
make a big noise, playin’ in the street,

gonna be a big man someday.
Everybody, c’mon! You got mud

on yo’ face, you big disgrace,

(class joins in)
kickin’ your can all over the place.

Singin’, we will we will rock you.
Yeah, everybody! Everybody together!

We will we will rock you.
We got a battle cry!

We’ll follow you, man!
And, who are we following?

Who we gonna follow?
We’re following Freddie Mercury, man!

[audience laughing]
That’s who we’re following.

I guarantee you, 90% of the people
in that stadium wouldn’t follow

Freddie Mercury into the front door
of their own home.

But, right now, we’ll follow him to hell.
[audience laughing]
How come? Because, he’s created

a gay battle cry.
[audience chuckling]
A gay battle cry unites the crowd.

Now, you might think this is a
totally unique situation,

and I would assume the position
that gay battle cries are

(Wuhl and audience)
as American as apple pie.

[audience laughing]

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

Mr. Wuhl, now you’ve gone too far.
I would say, look no farther for proof

than the quintessential American
sing-along song. It used to go

something like this.
[Yankee Doodle song]

Yankee Doodle went to town,
riding on a pony. Everyone!

(Everyone)
Stuck a feather in his hat

and called it macaroni.
OK, raise your hand if you ever wondered

why the hell he called it macaroni.
[audience laughing]

Why call it macaroni?
During the 1700s, in London,

which is where this song originated,
there was a very, very, very, very,

notorious club known as
the “Macaroni Club”.

The Macaroni Club consisted of a feet,
dandy, foppish, young men

who would gather together
to discuss the latest in fashion,

culture, and cuisine.
Basically, we are talking

“ye old queer eye”.
[audience laughing]

Now, the word “yankee” actually comes
from the Dutch word, “yok”,

which means like a rube, a hick, a hillbilly.
So, what the upper-class Brits

were actually saying is,
here comes this yankee into town,

this yankee doodle, and he’s probably
gonna wind up at the old Macaroni Club.

I have no idea where he put the feather.

[audience laughing]
But, the only thing that the Brits

hated worse than the “poofs” in London,
were these asshole American colonists

across the pond causing trouble.
So, they decide to insult all of us

by calling all of us yankee doodles
and doing this song.

But, we don’t know anything
about a Macaroni Club, but we knew

a good tune when we heard one.
[audience laughing]

So, we ran with it!
So, the next time you hear,

“We Will Rock You”,
you think of “Yankee Doodle”,

because gay battle cries are…

(audience)
as American as apple pie.

[Yankee Doodle song]

[background music]
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
Personal favorite historic—yeah,

Teddy Roosevelt was a complete
bad ass, total bad ass.

Swam every day in Rock Creek,
naked, played squash every day,

invited heads of state, foreign heads
of state over to the White House

and then challenged them
to boxing matches.

(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I guess Louis Armstrong.

He was…when I was a little girl,
I wanted to be Louis Armstrong.

And uh, so I was a trumpet player.
In fact, I’m just a failed trumpet player.

(David Cross, Humorist)
You know, a lot of things I think

about historically probably
have to do with art or literature.

Ah, um…I dunno…who did
the first um…porn on VHS?

(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
You know, Alexander Hamilton

was the first Secretary of the Treasury,

but he was also the…the protagonist
of America’s first sex scandal.

Um, it’s a wonderful story.
He was accused by his republican/

democratic opponents of um…
paying somebody off for some kind

of economic gain, and he wrote this…
he published this long thing.

He said, “No, no, no.
No, they were blackmailing me,

because I was sleeping with his wife.

[I Shit You Not]

(Robert Wuhl) I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

There’s a sort of history vice
such as…this is the great racehorse,

Man of War.
Between 1919 and 1920,

Man of War raced twenty-one times.
You know how many times it won?

Twenty. Won twenty, lost one race.
Lost to a horse named Upset.

Now, what’s interesting about this
is up to this point, “upset” meant,

I’m very upset with you,
or I have an upset stomach.

But, from this moment forward,
anytime the underdog beat a favorite,

he was said to have pulled an…

(audience)
upset.

And that’s where the term comes from.
I shit you not.

This is George Grant, son of slaves.
In 1870, George Grant becomes

the first African-American graduate
of Harvard Dental School.

He then goes on to develop the first
device for cleft-palate patients.

But then, he invents something that

revolutionizes every doctor’s practice…
the golf tee.

[audience laughing]

Thereby cementing his place
in American Medical History.

Dr. George Grant,
inventor of the golf tee.

I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

According to the Guinness Book
of World Records, the book most often

stolen from libraries every year is
“The Guinness Book of World Records.”

[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

Alfred Nobel. We know Alfred Nobel,
founder of the great

Alfred Nobel foundation.

Who can tell me, where did Alfred Nobel
make all his money from?

(Audience)
Dynamite.

He invented dynamite! Dynamite!
This son of a bitch blew up half the world--

has the balls to get a peace prize.
[audience laughing]

Edward Hyde, cousin of Queen Anne.
Edward Hyde becomes Lord Cornbury,

and becomes the colonial governor
of New York and New Jersey

in the early 1700s.
He becomes a man that was so corrupt

that it is said that he did more
than any other single individual

to unite the colonies against Britain.
Oh, by the way, he had one other quirk

that pissed people off.
This is the actual portrait of him

that hangs in the New York
Historical Society.

Lord Cornbury, America’s
first transvestite governor.

I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

Ben Affleck has an Oscar.
I shit you not.

[audience laughing and applauding]

The Hundred Years War
lasted a hundred sixteen years.

[audience laughing]

Who was the Hundred Years War
fought between?

(Male Student)
French and English

Ahhhhh. One person. One person!
French and English, this is amazing,

hundred sixteen years war,
and only one person remembers?

You know how long
a hundred sixteen years is?

That’s from…ah…1890 til next May.
[audience laughing]

One person remembered,
but I guarantee ya everybody in this room

remembers something that came out of it.

Yes, first of all, it was fought
between the English and the French.

The reason was, because Britain believed
that France belonged to them.

Now, historically, Britain always believes
that everything belongs to them.

[audience chuckling]
But something happens during this war.

First of all, the first great piece
of long-range artillery is introduced

during this war.
It is the English longbow.

Uh, known as the machine gun of its time,
it was made from the English yew tree.

Y-E-W…very strong tree, and you would…
and what you would do is you pull back

with your middle finger, you would
pull back on the bow, and pluck.

This was known as “plucking the yew”.

You could hit targets from 250 yards away
with the long bow.

The French hated the long bow
and feared it so much that whenever

they would capture a British soldier,
they would chop off their middle finger

making them unable to shoot.
Look there, bligh there, mate!

I can’t pluck me yew!
[audience chuckling]

I can’t pluck me yew!
I got no middle finger!

But, the tide turns
at the Battle of Agincourt

where 20,000 Frenchmen
have 5,000 Englishmen surrounded.

They are so overconfident that the night
before, they had this victory party.

They had the croissants,
a little pate, a little wine…

[Wuhl sings La Vie En Rose]

Meanwhile, the English rally…
and, who do they rally around?

Henry V—this is the Henry V
battle of Agincourt where Henry

rallies everyone and says,
“Once more into the breach,

ye men, ye merry men,
ye band of brothers!”

And, the greatest upset since David,
the British defeat the French.

Not only do they defeat the French,
but to taunt the French,

they would hold up their hands,
showing they still had their middle finger

and say, “Hey! Froggy,

I still got me middle finger!
I can still pluck you!

I can still pluck you!”
The “pl” became anglocized to “f”,

and that’s where you get,
“I can fuck you”.

[audience laughing]

And that’s the legend of where
giving the finger comes from.

Is it true? It doesn’t matter!
It’s the legend.

And, when the legend becomes fact…

(audience)
print the legend.

I want to thank everyone
for attending class today.

I appreciate it. Class dismissed!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[upbeat music]

(Wuhl)
Thank you. Thank you.

(Sarah Vowell, Author)
When I was a little kid, my parents

had this record in their record collection
called, “History Repeats Itself”.

And it was this whole list of
Lincoln/Kennedy

assassination coincidences.

[Sarah hums to “America the Beautiful”
while Wuhl speaks]

Lincoln has a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy has a secretary named Lincoln.

Ahh…both were shot in front of their wives.

(Sarah)
Uh huh.

(Wuhl)
Ahhh… John Wilkes Booth…

(Sarah)
I got tired of humming.

(Wuhl)
OK. Ja -w-w-w-k-do you have-OK…

John Wilkes Boothand Lee Harvey Oswald

had the same amount
of letters in their names.

Right, and ah, Oswald shoots Kennedy
and runs to a theater…

Oh, Oswald shoots Kennedy
in a warehouse and runs to a theater.

Booth shoots Lincoln in a theater
and runs to a warehouse,

which is actually a barn, but…

(Wuhl)
OK. Lincoln is born in a log cabin.

Kennedy once spilled
Lob Cabin syrup in his dad’s Lincoln.

[Sarah and Wuhl laugh]

[air blowing]
[note on an organ]

[schoolbell] R-r-r-r-i-n-n-g-g-g!

[percussion and synthesizer music]

I wanna welcome everybody
to “Assume the Position 201.”

[audience applauding]
I want to thank everyone

for attending class,
which once again are the stories

that made up America,
and the stories that America made up.

Today, I am going to assume the position
that history is based on a true story.

[audience laughing]
And the story I’m going to tell you

about today is about our most exclusive
country club—our Chief Executives.

Talk about members only.
[audience laughing]

In 218 years, only 42 of ‘em.
And, I gotta say, for a country

that’s been built upon diversity…
[audience laughing]

Not a whole lotta hell of it up there,
is there?

In fact, the only diversity
I see up there is facial hair. That’s it!

First 15 presidents before Lincoln—
no facial hair.

Next 7 out of 8—facial hair.
[audience laughing]

And the only reason Andrew Johnson
doesn’t have any is, because

Lincoln got shot, and he didn’t have
enough time to grow a beard.

[audience laughing]

Now, in my lifetime, there have been
10 different presidents.

Some good, some not so good,
all of them clean shaven,

and none of them could get rid of Castro.
[audience laughing]

His secret? Facial hair!
[audience laughing]

But, for the first time
in this upcoming election,

there is a very real possibility
that a white male may NOT be elected

to our nation’s highest office.

In fact, there is a real chance
that we could have a white woman

and a black man running
on the same national party ticket.

That’s groundbreaking. That’s monumental.

This has never happened
in the history of our country since 1872.

[audience laughing]

In 1872, this was the presidential ticket
for the Equal Rights Party.

The vice-presidential candidate
was the abolitionist, Frederick Douglass,

a former slave who later became
the leading orator of his time.

And the presidential candidate
was the, oh, so controversial

Victoria Woodhull,who despite
the fact that women won’t have the right

to vote for almost another 50 years,
becomes the first woman

to run for president.

Along with Susan B. Anthony
and Elizabeth Cady Stanton,

Woodhull is the superstar
of the Women’s Suffrage Movement.

But, what makes her controversial
is she not only believes

in a woman’s right to vote, she believes
in a woman’s right for free love.

And, by free love, she means sex.

She means sex with who she wants,
when she wants, where she wants.

[audience laughing]
Personally, I’d rather party with Vicky.

[audience laughing]
Look at her. She’s got a little ah…

Maggie Gyllenhaal thing
going on there, doesn’t she?

[audience laughing]
But, the fact that she wants

to come…means she’s gotta go!
[audience laughing]

In fact, she’s so controversial,
even her own two buddies

kick her off “The View”.
[audience laughing]
[slinging sound]

The thought of Victoria Woodhull
becoming president obviously

frightened a lot of people.

Me? I’m an equal rights guy. I believe
that women should have every right

to be just as incompetent as men.
[audience laughing]

I mean in retrospect, could she possibly
have been any worse than this guy?

Franklin Pierce, in 1852, little known
rich kid Senator Franklin Pierce

wakes up one morning and says,
“You know? I’m clean shaven;

I’m gonna run for president.”
However, he’s got obstacles.

His two rivals
to the democratic nomination

are Steven Douglas
who stood an imposing 4’6”…

[audience laughing]
and James Buchannan,

a lifelong bachelor who many thought
led an alternative lifestyle.

OK, this is not the toughest competition
in the world, right? This is like

beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass.
[audience laughing]

OK, so Pierce gets the nomination,
but still, nationally,

he’s not very well known.

So, he’s gotta get out the word,
and how d’ya get out the word?

The same way you do now.
You gotta use the media.

But, what is media back then in 1852?
There’s no radio,

there’s no TV, there’s no webcast,
there’s no podcast, there’s no outcast.

[audience laughing]
No, what you have is books.

Books are everything.
So, he puts out a book,

but the question is, OK,
it’s one thing to put out a book.

It’s another thing
to get people to read it.

It all comes down to who’s telling…

(audience)
the story.

And who’s telling Pierce’s story?
None other than his old college

drinking buddy by the name
of Nathaniel Hawthorne.

That’s his college buddy.

Only the biggest pop culture figure
of his time, right?

He has just written
back-to-back best sellers.

First, The Scarlet Letter,
a love triangle about adultery—

it’s sort of the original Grey’s Anatomy.
[audience laughing]

Then he follows that with
The House of the Seven Gables.

That’s the original, romantic,
haunted house story.

It’s sort of a cross between
The Notebook and Saw.

[buzzing saw, audience laughs]
So, Hawthorne’s now two for two.

He’s like J.T. Follow Me
and Cry Me a River sexy bath.

[audience laughing]
Everybody wants to know

what’s Hawthorne going to write next.

What story is Hawthorne
going to tell next?

And, what story is he going to tell next?

Well, he’s going to tell the story
of his good buddy, Franklin Pierce.

Now, think about this...
Hawthorne putting his brand

on somebody’s biography
would be like Tom Clancy

writing “The Hunt” for Mitt Romney.
[audience laughing]

Or, J.K. Rowling
writing Dennis Kucinich

and A Cold Day in Hell.
[audience laughing]

But, the fact is, millions of people
would read those books.

And millions of people read Hawthorne’s,
“The Life of Franklin Pierce.”

And this is what we would call today,
based on a true story.

Now, when we hear the term,
based on a true story today,

we generally don’t think
about books, do we?

We usually think about it in movies.

For example, this movie,
A Beautiful Mind.

It told the inspiring story
of mathematician, John Nash,

who went from schizophrenia,
to the Nobel Prize,

into the arms
of a woman he loved. The end.

Now, the filmmakers did leave out
a few details of Nash’s life.

They left out the fact
that John Nash fathered a child

out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad.

They left out the fact
that John Nash, when delusional,

went on anti semitic rants
that would have make Mel Gibson go,

“Holy Fuck!”
[audience laughing]

And they left out the fact that previously,
John Nash had unusual interests in men,

away from the arms of the woman he loved.
[audience laughing]

Leaving out these details
changes the story a little bit, doesn’t it?

I mean, to me,
this would be like making OJ.

He went from junior college
to the Heisman trophy

into the arms of the woman he loved.
The end!

[audience laughing]
Coming soon—

Simpson, based on a true story.
[audience laughing]

You know Oscar Wilde once said,
“Anybody can make history,

but it takes a great man to write it.”

And, Hawthorne’s a pretty great writer,
neglecting the fact that Franklin Pierce

is a pro-slavery, raging alcoholic,
he paints him as America’s savior,

a cross between Mother Teresa
and James Bond.

[audience softly laughs]
In August, Hawthorne’s book

comes out—in August.

And, because of this book,
by November, this little known

dark horse candidate carries 27
out of the 31 states in the country

and becomes our 14th President
of the United States,

based on a true story.

And you know what happens?
Pierce really sucks.

[audience softly laughs]

As Shakespeare wrote,
“He doth REALLY SUCK!”

How bad was Franklin Pierce?
Because of his pro-slavery actions,

he did more than
any other single individual

to hasten the outbreak of the Civil War.

How bad was Franklin Pierce?
To this day, he remains the ONLY

incumbent president in our history
not to get his OWN party’s nomination

for a second term.
[audience softly laughs]

How does he respond?
Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse,

and drives over a woman
becoming the first president with a DUI.

[horse neighing]
[female student in audience screams]

But, you know the funny thing?
We got through it.

See, that’s the thing about Americans.
We’re tough. We’re resilient.

We’ll get through it.

Which brings me to my next point,
we’ll get through it.

[audience laughing and applauding]

I’m an optimist. I really am.
I’m a positive person.

I always look at the bong as half full.
[audience laughing]

And, by the way,
I have no political agenda.

My dad was a republican,
my mom was a democrat,

so I respect both points of view.

Now that said, my wife,
Ms. Lefty Pinko Capelli herself

looks at Old W here and says,
“George W. Bush is the worst

president in the history
of the United States!”

And, I go, “The worst?
Holy hyperbole Batman.”

[audience chuckling]
You know, we’ve had some

really lousy leaders in this country.

In fact, I’m going to assume the position
that lousy leaders ARE

as American as apple pie.
[audience cheers and applauses]

Starting with Aaron Burr.
Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr.

We all know Aaron Burr
from the Got Milk commercial,

you know. Aaron Burr…

[saying Aaron Burr but with a slur,
audience laughs]

This is our 3rd presidential election.

Aaron Burr actually tied Thomas Jefferson
in electoral college

and only became vice-president,
because his old nemesis,

Alexander Hamilton, used his influence
to elect Jefferson.

Uh, Burr, a less than gracious loser,
responds by shooting Alexander Hamilton

[single gunshot]
thereby becoming our first vice-president

to shoot somebody.
[single gunshot]

[audience laughing]
He is later arraigned for treason,

not once, not twice, not three times—
how many times, Aaron?

[ding from cash register]
Four times! Four times!

Talk about a lousy leader.
But, you know what?

We got through it,
because lousy leaders are…

(audience)
as American as apple pie.

Oh, let’s keep going.
[audience laughing]

William Henry Harrison,
hero of the Mexican War.

On his inauguration day,
March 4th, 1841. It’s raining,

it’s freezing, it’s windy,
[wind blowing]
but Mr. macho war hero

doesn’t want anybody
to think he’s a pussy.

[audience chuckling]
So, he stands and gives

his inauguration address without a hat,
without a coat, without his gloves.

Well, didn’t your mother tell ya,
if ya didn’t cover up,

you’d catch pneumonia?
Well, guess what? He catches…

(Audience)
pneumonia.

March 4th, he’s making history;
April 4th, he is history.

[audience chuckling]
One month…one MONTH!

His administration lasted
less than Lindsay Lohan’s last rehab.

[audience laughing]
Now, you gotta remember

this was the first time a president
had ever died in office.

But, fortunately,
we had John Tyler of Virginia.

How committed to the United States
was this guy?

When he’s not reelected,
this mother fucker switches sides!

[audience laughing]

Then, there was Millard Fillmore.

He put the “I” in anti-immigration.
He not only wanted to keep anymore

Irish Catholics from entering the country,
he wants to kick out the ones

that are already here.
[kicing ball]

[audience laughing]

Then there was Warren G. Harding.
How bad was this guy?

He once actually lost
the White House china in a poker game.

[audience laughing]
[cash register]
Which brings me to Calvin Coolidge,

who on a summer vacation, 1927,
goes fishing in South Dakota,

and catches so many fish
in South Dakota

that he decides to stay for 3 months!
Three months the President stays away.

Washington’s at a standstill.
Cal’s catchin’ fish.

[audience laughing]
Now, just prior to this,

America has suffered
its greatest natural disaster.

The Mississippi River overflows
flooding 6 states. Cal’s catchin’ fish.

I mean, can you imagine
the president being that insensitive

during a natural disaster? Inconceivable!
[audience laughs loudly]

But the real story isn’t just that
Cal’s catching fish,

it’s why he’s catching so many fish.

Because, unbeknownst to Cal,
South Dakota’s state officials

have chicken-wired the lake,
and every night are restocking
thousands of fish.

Why? Because they need Cal
to fall in love with South Dakota.

Why? Because, they need
to generate income in South Dakota.

Why? Because South Dakota
is in the middle of east bum fuck America!

[audience laughing]

There’s only 8 people
living there per square mile!

[audience laughing]

That’s only 8 more people
living there than there are on Mars!

They need tourism dollars,
and they need Cal’s help to finance

their new tourist attraction.
And, what is their new tourist attraction?

That mountain. They needed tourism dollars
so they create Mt…

(audience)
Rushmore.

Mt. Rushmore was totally created
as a tourist trap.

And, you know what? It works.

It works completely just weeks
before the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Mt. Rushmore becomes
an instant national shrine

and a quintessential American image.
But tell the truth.

Doesn’t it look like
the poster for The Departed?

[gunshots, audience laughing]
Now, my point is,

although Calvin Coolidge
may have been hoodwinked

into paying for Mt. Rushmore,
without his help, it never gets made—

which only goes to prove that
no matter how lousy a leader one may be,

you gotta give props where props are due.

So, regardless of what you think
of W’s legacy,

you gotta give him the following—
first, he can throw strikes.

[audience laughing]
He is the best ever

at throwing out the first pitch.
[audience chuckling]

And, secondly, he is his mother’s son.
And, by that by the way,

I mean no disrespect whatsoever
to Barbara Bush.

In fact, I’ll have ya know,
back in the day

Barbara Bush is a little bit of a hottie.
No, I say he is his mother’s son,

because before she was Barbara Bush,
she was born Barbara Pierce.

And, she is a direct descendent
of none other than

old fuck up himself, Franklin Pierce,
which brings us full circle and explains

how things got to where we are today.
And, you know what?

We’ll get through it, AGAIN.
[audience laughing]

Why? Because lousy leaders are…

(audience joined by Wuhl)
as American as apple pie.

You betcha!

[upbeat music]

(Male 1)
Now, there’s apparently room for one more

face on Mt. Rushmore, and it seems
to me it’s pretty obvious who it is.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin Luther King

Meryl Streep

Is Roosevelt on there already?

Uh…it’s Franklin Roosevelt

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Is he already on? No? Maybe Roosevelt.

And perhaps…

Francis Coppola?

Tony Morrison

Ronald Reagan

If there was a Canadian Mt. Rushmore,

it would be all people who are on SETV.

Cough, cough, sorry…

(Sarah Vowell, Author)
No, I can’t even get through

that with a straight face?
[Sarah laughs]

[handwriting]
I Shit You Not

(Wuhl)
I call this next segment…
I Shit You Not

[audience chuckling]

A little history story, little fun facts—
here we go.

One wonders if Ramses is really
the proper name for a condom,

when you consider it’s named
after the great pharaoh, Ramses,

who fathered over 110 kids
during his life. I shit you not.

[audience laughing]

In the dining room of the Titanic,
they actually served iceberg lettuce.

[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

On April 9th, Playboy magazine founder
and sexual liberator,

Hugh Hefner, turned 81.
He was then given a birthday party

by the three women who love him—
whose combined age is 81!

[audience laughing]
I shit you not!

The croissant was introduced
into what country?

(Male in Audience)
France

(Wuhl)
Correct! Austria!

[audience laughing]

To celebrate their victory
over the Battle of Vienna,

Austrian bakers decided to create
a pastry in the shape of the crescent

on the Ottoman flag. Crescent…
croissant…crescent…croissant…

and, in fact, the croissant does not
arrive in France until

a hundred years later
when it’s brought over

by a 16-year old Austrian princess
by the name of Kirsten Dunst.

[audience laughing]
In 1990, Pfizer Labs is experimenting

with sildenaphil, which is a drug
to treat heart patients.

Well, after doing a lot of testing,
nobody’s blood pressure goes down,

but everybody’s dick goes up.
[audience laughing]

Well, so long sildenaphil, hello Viagra!
[audience laughing]

And, speaking on behalf
of all the middle-aged men

who’d been married to the same woman
for 24 years,

this is one of the great moments
in American history. I shit you not!

[audience laughing]
Now, I’m sure many of you

dismissed Ms. Spears
as some exhibitionist,

club-hopping bimbo. But, not me!
No, I got Britney’s back.

[audience chuckling]

Because, as my father used to say,
judge slowly.

Behind me, this is the first nude scene
in motion picture history.

In the 1933 Czech film, Ecstasy,
20-year old Hedy Lamarr shocks the world

by becoming the first woman
to bare her breasts on camera,

thus becoming the original Girl Gone Wild!
[audience laughing]

Her outrageous behavior makes her
an international film star

and a pop-culture icon who once said,
“Any woman can become glamorous.

All she has to do is stand still,
and look stupid.”

[audience chuckling]
Ahhhhh…but early in 1941,

shortly after WWII begins,
Hedy is out partying.

Concerned about the Nazi’s
jamming allied radio signals,

Hedy takes out a cocktail napkin,
and on the back of it, draws up a plan

that will become known
as frequency hopping.

This is a way to make
jamming radio signals impossible.

I mean, look at it.
This is Hedy’s actual patent

for frequency hopping.

And, this isn’t a handbag
or cosmetics line she’s putting

her name on, right?

This is impressive stuff.

So, who many thought
was an exhibitionist, club-hopping,

bimbo of her time invents a revolutionary
defense system that has been used

in everything from
the Cuban Missile Crisis,

to wi-fi, to cell phones.

Well, stand still and look stupid—my ass!
[audience chuckling]

Which brings me back to my girl, Britney.
[audience chuckling]

And, once again, I say judge slowly,
because in the future,

we may very well learn
that Britney went into that car

with underwear on!
[audience laughing]

And the reason they came off
may someday change history.

[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

[audience laughs and applauses]
[handwriting]
Fiction and Facts from Wuhl's Almanac

In the first half of the 20th century,

the most popular woman in America
was First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt.

However you may be surprised—
the second most popular woman

in America was this woman right here.

Anybody know who she is?
(random voices)

That is Betty Crocker.

(random voices)
Oh, yeah.

The spokeswoman for Gold Medal Flour
and Bisquick, she was THE media superstar

of the first half of the 20th century.

How big was Betty Crocker?
In the country—one-third the population

that it is now, her weekly radio shows
drew the same sized audience

as American Idol.
[synthesizer music]
[audience laughing]

Betty Crocker got 4,000 letters a day.
A day--I get 10 emails—I’m wiggin’ out.

[audience laughing]

She was the woman that American women
turned to and trusted.

But then, in 1945, in a shocking expose,
Betty Crocker is outed.

Fortune magazine reveals that no,
she’s not gay.

[audience chuckling]
She’s not straight.

They reveal Betty Crocker is not REAL.

America is shocked to find out
that Betty Crocker is a fictional character

created by General Mills, who by the way,
is not a real general.

[audience laughing]
People were crushed.

I mean this would be like
finding out that Oprah is CGI.

[audience laughing]
So I got to thinkin’ who else?

Who else besides Betty
have we mislaid our trust to?

Who else have we given our hearts
and our stomachs to?

So with the public’s interest in mind,
it is time to play Real or No Real.

[upbeat music]

Hi Ladies!

(Ladies)
Hi Mr. Wuhl!

Are you ready to play Real or No Real?

(Ladies)
Hell, yeah!

Are you ready to play Real or No Real?

(Audience)
Hell, yeah!

[audience laughing]

Well then let’s play Real or No Real
starting with Chef Boyardee.

We all know Chef Boyardee,
but was he Real or No Real?

(Several in Audience)
Real.

Chef Boyardee was…

(Female 1)
Real!

[audience cheering and applauding]

In 1926, Hector Boiardi
opens Giardino d’Italia,

a restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio.

There, his spaghetti sauce
became so popular, he decides

to market it nationally,
spelling his name phonetically…

[audience chuckling]

and thereby introduces much of America
to authentic, Italian cuisine.

Although, my Italian mother-in-law
wants to know what part of Italy

did beefaroni come from?
[audience laughing]

Next, little Debbie,
we all know little Debbie,

but was she real or no real?
[audience hollering out mixed answers]

Little Debbie was…

(Female 2)
Real!

[audience cheering and applauding]

In 1960, O.D. McKee is looking
for a logo for his new snack cake,

and he decides to use a picture
of his little granddaughter, Debbie;

however, O.D. does so without telling
little Debbie’s parents.

In fact, Debbie’s parents don’t find out
about this until the product

is almost on the shelves!

So, needless to say,
little Debbie’s parents are POed O.D.

for exploiting their daughter,
at least until Little Debbie

starts making big bucks.
[audience laughing]

Next, Jose Cuervo.
We all know Jose Cuervo.

Sometimes, we wake up, and we wish
we didn’t know Jose Cuervo.

[audience laughing]
But, was he real or no real?

[audience shouting varying answers]

Jose Cuervo was…

(Female 3)
Real!

[female] Yes!
[audience cheering and applauding]

In 1756, Jose Cuervo gets a license
to produce mezcal wine,

and opens the first Mexican distillery
in the village of..

(Audience)
tequila!

[audience laughing]
Take a shot, babe.

[gulping noise] [audience laughing]
Next, Aunt Jemima!

We all know Aunt Jemima,
but was she real or no real?

[audience shouts out differing answers]
Aunt Jemima was…

(Female 4)
No real!

(audience)
Ohhhhh.

Aunt Jemima is not real;
however, Nancy Green was.

In 1893, the Chicago World Fair opens.
Millions of people came

from around the world
to visit America and to see

their new technology and products.

Electricity is first introduced
at the Chicago World’s Fair.

Ferris introduces his wheel
at the Chicago World’s Fair.

But the biggest hit
may have been Nancy Green,

a former slave who becomes
our nation’s first African-American

spokeswoman when she introduces
a new pancake mix based

on of all things,
a hit pop song of its time.

Singing songs,
giving cooking demonstrations,

and telling stories, Nancy Green
became such a sensation

that Aunt Jemima executives
make her their spokeswoman for life!

And, for the next 30 years,
she tours across America

as a pancake rockstar!

[audience laughing]

Until sadly, she’s run over
by a car in 1923.

No truth however to the rumor
it’s driven by Mrs. Butterworth.

[screeching car, audience laughing]

So, in summation,
there was a Baskin and a Robbins,

a Ben and a Jerry,
but no Haagen, No Dazs…

(All Deal or No Deal Females)
No queen of the dairy.

[slurping, [audience laughing]

Dr. Scholl made us walk,
Jack Daniel made us crawl,

there is a Paul Newman…

(Deal or No Deal Females)
and there was a Mrs. Paul.

[ripping paper, audience laughing,
Real or No Real Females clapping as Wuhl chants]

There was a Pontiac, a Cadillac,
a Buick and an Olds.

A Dodge and a Chevrolet, a…

(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
Royce never Rolls.

There was a Dr. Pepper…

(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
there ain’t no Mr. Pibb.

But, Pepperidge Farm and Maxwell House
were once somebody’s crib.

I’m only going to do one more,
and then I’ll say goodbye,

and that’s Marie Calendar, who made the…

(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
mother fuckin’ pie!

[audience laughing and applauding]
I wanna thank everybody

for attending today—I appreciate it!
Class dismissed!

[school bell ringing,
audience cheering and applauding]

Thank you! Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you!

(Jeff Greenfield)
OK. Whaddaya wanna know?

(Patricia Williams)
My favorite invention?

(Vowell)
Well, my public answer would be
the, uh, printing press.

(Patricia Williams)
It’s the computer. I just cannot believe

that I was lucky enough to be born
in the age of computers.

(Vowell)
My private answer would be caller ID.

(Seth Rogen)
Satellite television.

(Jeff Greenfield)
Video on demand.

(Louis C.K.)
Yeah, I have to take this.

(Seth Rogen)
I did enjoy history class

very much growing up.
(Louis C.K.)

I loved it. I flunked it, but I loved it.

(Patricia Williams)
I guess history is a great battlefield,

and that’s simply
in the sense of warriors.

(Manning Marable)
It boils down to this.

Who’s telling the story?
Whose story is it?

(Jeff Greenfield)
The more you learn about these people,

the more you learn about ambiguity.

(Manning Marable)
Historical memory is always selective.

(Jeff Greenfield)
If there were one test

I could give to a president,
a potential president,

it would be how much history
does he or she know.