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- Hey everybody, today
we're going to talk about
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manipulation, and how to know
if it's happening to you.
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But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?
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Welcome; I release videos
on Mondays and on Thursdays,
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so make sure you're subscribed
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and have those notifications turned on
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so that you don't miss out.
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Now let's jump into today's topic
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and let's start by defining
the term manipulation.
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Because, I find that
people use it all the time,
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and I just want to ensure that we are all
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talking and thinking
about the very same thing.
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Now, to manipulate is
to control or play upon
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by artful, unfair, or insidious means,
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especially to one's own advantage.
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And I'd also like to
consider what it means
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when use the term manipulation
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when it comes to objects, not people.
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Like if I was going to manipulate
some clay with my hands,
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I am shaping it in a way
that pleases or serves me.
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So hopefully that gives
you like another idea
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of what the term manipulation truly means.
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Now that we've defined
the term manipulation,
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let's get into how we can tell
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if we are being manipulated
by someone else.
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And first and foremost,
it's a feeling we can get.
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Like, have you ever just felt
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like something was off with someone?
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Or the way that they interacted with you
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was just a little weird?
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Maybe you felt pressure by them
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to do things that you
don't really wanna do.
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Or you find yourself questioning
your memory or perception
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more than usual.
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Those are all red flags
that could indicate
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that you're being manipulated.
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Now that rolls into my
very first warning sign,
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that you question yourself a lot.
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Remember that video I did a
while ago about gaslighting?
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Well, gaslighting is
a form of manipulation
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in which a person will tell you
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that the way you remembered something,
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an experience, a situation,
is completely incorrect.
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Or that the experience you swear you had
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never really happened.
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They will psychologically manipulate us
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to the point where we can feel
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like we can't even trust
ourselves or our own mind.
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It can make you think that
you've gone completely crazy.
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So if you find yourself having to
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defend your own memory of things,
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or questioning yourself more than usual,
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it could be a sign that
you're being manipulated.
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Red flag number two: if you
feel guilty or bad all the time,
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no matter what you do, it
never seems to please them.
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They are always upset, disappointed,
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or blaming you for something.
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This can get so bad that we may even feel
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like we are walking on
eggshells around them.
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They may even play with our emotions,
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telling us how hard
things have been for them,
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and that they wouldn't ask us to do this
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if they had any other option.
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You can also feel scared a lot,
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because they are coercing
you into doing things
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that you really don't wanna do.
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And when you go and do that
thing, you may be scared
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that you'll get caught
or hurt while doing it.
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And that's why it's so
important to pay attention
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to how you feel around
people in your life.
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Do you feel happy,
safe, free, and relaxed?
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Or scared, guilty, and obligated?
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Start paying attention, so
you can protect yourself
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from anyone who may be
trying to manipulate you.
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Red flag number three, as I've kind of
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briefly discussed in the others,
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is that they'll somehow
get you to do things
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that you wouldn't normally do.
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People who manipulate
others will often start
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by asking you to do a
small favor for them,
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and work up to asking you
for bigger and bigger things.
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They could first just ask you
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to lie to your boss about
where they went, you know,
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just this once, and tell you
that they had an emergency.
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And you wouldn't normally lie,
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but it's only this once,
and it's for a good reason.
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Their asks could build
up slowly and slowly
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until you're engaging in things
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that you would never have done before.
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They can also gaslight you
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in conjunction with this warning sign
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in order to get you to do what they want.
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So again, it's important to notice
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how often you are questioning
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your own recollection of a situation.
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Oh, and not all manipulators
will start with a small ask.
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Some will ask you for a
big, huge, ridiculous favor,
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knowing that you will say no,
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only to then hit you up
for something smaller.
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Because they made such an
outrageous ask the first time,
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we are even more likely to say yes
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to the smaller ask afterwards,
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even if it's something that
we really don't want to do
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or aren't comfortable doing.
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Red flag number four: they put you down
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as often as they can.
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It could be how you dress, or
what restaurant you picked.
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Anything they can criticize, they will.
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Just like the favors they ask,
this usually starts small,
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and builds up until they're
pretty much bullying us.
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Since most of us don't have
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the best or most positive self talk,
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it can be easy for us to agree with them,
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or to become extremely
self conscious as a result.
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Slowly but surely we will
lose our own self confidence
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and feel less empowered
to stand up for ourselves,
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which can only make
the manipulation worse.
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Because of that, master manipulators
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will often do this first,
as a way of ensuring
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their control over us more long-term.
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So make sure that the people in your life
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are speaking kindly to
you, and lifting you up.
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Not taking cheap shots,
and putting you down
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whenever they feel like it.
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And the fifth and final red flag
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that you may be being manipulated
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is emotional blackmail.
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Now, I find this form of manipulation
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isn't talked about as
often, and that could be
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because it's not happening as frequently.
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Or what I suspect, is that people
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don't even know it's happening,
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and they get too wrapped up in the moment
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to consider that they're being used.
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Emotional blackmail is when someone states
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that they will kill themself if you leave,
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or they will die if you break up with them
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or if you happen to leave them.
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They use this threat as
a way to control you,
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and to get them to do what they want.
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I personally see this online a lot
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when people reach out to celebrities,
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or even other YouTubers,
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saying they'll kill themselves
if they don't respond.
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But this happens in real life as well,
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and they do this in order to
keep you under their control,
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and make you feel guilty or shameful
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if you don't cater your
life towards their needs.
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Now this form of
manipulation is very toxic,
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and should be completely
avoided at all costs,
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if you're able to,
because no one's wellbeing
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is completely your responsibility.
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We're all responsible for ourselves,
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our choices, and our life.
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Now, I could keep talking about
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more and more red flags
of manipulation all day,
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but what's really important is how we can
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get out of it and save ourselves.
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So let's get into what we can do.
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Now first, if you are
ever feeling manipulated
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or hurt by someone you're
in a relationship with,
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know that you don't have to
continue that relationship.
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And if it's not safe, you don't even
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have to tell them why.
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But you can, and I do recommend,
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trying to talk to them, if it's safe.
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But if it's not, don't do it.
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Just know that you deserve
to have relationships
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that are filled with joy, love,
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and mutual respect, not manipulation.
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Now my first tip is to get into therapy.
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If someone has been putting us down,
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making us feel responsible
for their wellbeing,
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or getting us to do things that
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we really didn't want to do,
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it's going to take some healing.
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And we need to do that
healing in a safe place
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where no one else will hear about it
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and there isn't any judgment.
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Now since manipulation can lead us
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to doing things we didn't want to do,
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the shame and embarrassment we may feel
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can make therapy really, really hard,
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but also very necessary.
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We are going to have to heal from
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any possible trauma we sustained,
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but also help us relearn how
to speak kindly to ourselves,
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and trust ourselves again.
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So be patient with this process.
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You weren't manipulated in one day,
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so healing is going to take
more than one day as well.
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Number two, boundaries.
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I'm sure you know this one was coming,
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but boundaries are so important
in all of our relationships.
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There are things that
we will be okay with,
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and other things we won't
be comfortable with.
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And learning how to recognize
what's okay and not okay
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can take some time.
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So start being more
mindful of how you feel,
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when you feel uncomfortable,
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or pushed to do something
you don't wanna do.
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And know that it's okay to say no.
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You can practice this in therapy,
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and even spend time with your therapist
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talking through scenarios,
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and whether or not you think
that they are okay for you.
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And yes I know, setting
up healthy boundaries
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is going to take
practice, so be open to it
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being a trial and error sort
of process as we get used to
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feeling out what's okay
for us and what's not.
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Because we might not have
any idea to start off with,
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and that's okay, that's what a therapist
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and supportive friends and family are for.
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Number three, giving yourself
time to make decisions.
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Manipulative people will often
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try to get us to sign contracts,
purchase things right now,
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or make plans that can't be changed
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in that very same moment.
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So giving yourself time to consider
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what you're signing up for,
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and ask any questions you may have,
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can prevent you from getting sucked into
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something that you don't
want to be a part of.
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And so know that you can take a breather.
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You can think about it.
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You can get back to them tomorrow.
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If someone's pushing
you and pushing always
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to make decisions in the moment
right now (snaps fingers),
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something's wrong; that's
not how life really works.
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Sure, every once in a blue moon
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something will happen
that's really last minute
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and we have to decide
right then and there.
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But that's not usual.
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You should usually be
able to take your time,
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consider all the options
and what's best for you,
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and then make the decision.
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So just pay attention, and know
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that you have all the time you need
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to make proper decisions
that work for you.
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I hope you found that information helpful.
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I know it can be really hard
to navigate toxic relationships
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or know what red flags we
should be looking out for.
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And I have an entire chapter in my book,
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Are U OK? A Guide to Caring
for Your Mental Health,
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and that whole chapter is all about
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toxic relationships and what we can do
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to better notice them and
get out of them safely.
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And as always, leave in
the comments down below
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other things that maybe I've missed
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or that you wish I'd mentioned,
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or what's helped you get out of
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these toxic and unhealthy,
manipulative relationships.
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And I will see you next time, bye.