Love -- you're doing it wrong
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0:00 - 0:04What is love?
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0:04 - 0:06It's a hard term to define
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0:06 - 0:10in so far as it has a very wide application.
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0:10 - 0:12I can love jogging.
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0:12 - 0:14I can love a book, a movie.
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0:14 - 0:17I can love escalopes.
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0:17 - 0:19I can love my wife.
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0:19 - 0:22(Laughter)
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0:24 - 0:27But there's a great difference
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0:27 - 0:32between an escalope and my wife, for instance.
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0:32 - 0:35That is, if I value the escalope,
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0:35 - 0:41the escalope, on the other hand,
it doesn't value me back. -
0:41 - 0:44Whereas my wife, she calls me
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0:44 - 0:46the star of her life.
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0:46 - 0:49(Laughter)
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0:49 - 0:51Therefore, only another desiring conscience
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0:51 - 0:54can conceive me as a desirable being.
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0:54 - 0:55I know this, that's why
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0:55 - 0:58love can be defined in a more accurate way
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0:58 - 1:02as the desire of being desired.
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1:02 - 1:05Hence the eternal problem of love:
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1:05 - 1:11how to become and remain desirable?
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1:11 - 1:14The individual used to find
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1:14 - 1:17an answer to this problem
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1:17 - 1:20by submitting his life to community rules.
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1:20 - 1:22You had a specific part to play
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1:22 - 1:24according to your sex, your age,
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1:24 - 1:26your social status,
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1:26 - 1:28and you only had to play your part
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1:28 - 1:32to be valued and loved by the whole community.
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1:32 - 1:36Think about the young woman
who must remain chaste before marriage. -
1:36 - 1:40Think about the youngest son
who must obey the eldest son, -
1:40 - 1:46who in turn must obey the patriarch.
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1:46 - 1:50But a phenomenon
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1:50 - 1:54started in the 13th century,
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1:54 - 1:58mainly in the Renaissance, in the West,
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1:58 - 2:01that caused the biggest identity crisis
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2:01 - 2:03in the history of humankind.
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2:03 - 2:05This phenomenon is modernity.
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2:05 - 2:08We can basically summarize it
through a triple process. -
2:08 - 2:14First, a process of rationalization
of scientific research, -
2:14 - 2:17which has accelerated technical progress.
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2:17 - 2:21Next, a process of political democratization,
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2:21 - 2:24which has fostered individual rights.
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2:24 - 2:29And finally, a process of rationalization
of economic production -
2:29 - 2:32and of trade liberalization.
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2:32 - 2:35These three intertwined processes
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2:35 - 2:37have completely annihilated
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2:37 - 2:41all the traditional bearings of Western societies,
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2:41 - 2:44with radical consequences for the individual.
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2:44 - 2:47Now individuals are free
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2:47 - 2:50to value or disvalue
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2:50 - 2:54any attitude, any choice, any object.
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2:54 - 3:00But as a result, they are themselves confronted
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3:00 - 3:02with this same freedom that others have
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3:02 - 3:07to value or disvalue them.
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3:07 - 3:12In other words, my value was once ensured
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3:12 - 3:16by submitting myself
to the traditional authorities. -
3:16 - 3:21Now it is quoted in the stock exchange.
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3:21 - 3:26On the free market of individual desires,
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3:26 - 3:30I negotiate my value every day.
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3:30 - 3:33Hence the anxiety of contemporary man.
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3:33 - 3:37He is obsessed: "Am I desirable? How desirable?
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3:37 - 3:40How many people are going to love me?"
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3:40 - 3:43And how does he respond to this anxiety?
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3:43 - 3:51Well, by hysterically collecting
symbols of desirability. -
3:52 - 3:55(Laughter)
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3:55 - 3:58I call this act of collecting,
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3:58 - 4:01along with others, seduction capital.
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4:01 - 4:03Indeed, our consumer society
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4:03 - 4:09is largely based on seduction capital.
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4:09 - 4:13It is said about this consumption
that our age is materialistic. -
4:13 - 4:17But it's not true! We only accumulate objects
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4:17 - 4:20in order to communicate with other minds.
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4:20 - 4:25We do it to make them love us, to seduce them.
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4:25 - 4:29Nothing could be less materialistic,
or more sentimental, -
4:29 - 4:33than a teenager buying brand new jeans
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4:33 - 4:35and tearing them at the knees,
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4:35 - 4:37because he wants to please Jennifer.
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4:37 - 4:40(Laughter)
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4:40 - 4:43Consumerism is not materialism.
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4:43 - 4:45It is rather what is swallowed up
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4:45 - 4:48and sacrificed in the name of the god of love,
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4:48 - 4:53or rather in the name of seduction capital.
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4:53 - 4:58In light of this observation on contemporary love,
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4:58 - 5:01how can we think of love in the years to come?
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5:01 - 5:04We can envision two hypotheses:
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5:04 - 5:06The first one consists of betting
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5:06 - 5:12that this process of narcissistic
capitalization will intensify. -
5:12 - 5:16It is hard to say what shape
this intensification will take, -
5:16 - 5:18because it largely depends
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5:18 - 5:21on social and technical innovations,
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5:21 - 5:26which are by definition difficult to predict.
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5:26 - 5:28But we can, for instance,
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5:28 - 5:31imagine a dating website
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5:31 - 5:36which, a bit like those loyalty points programs,
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5:36 - 5:39uses seduction capital points
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5:39 - 5:42that vary according to my age,
my height/weight ratio, -
5:42 - 5:45my degree, my salary,
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5:45 - 5:49or the number of clicks on my profile.
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5:49 - 5:53We can also imagine
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5:53 - 5:57a chemical treatment for breakups
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5:57 - 6:01that weakens the feelings of attachment.
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6:01 - 6:05By the way, there's a program on MTV already
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6:05 - 6:09in which seduction teachers
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6:09 - 6:13treat heartache as a disease.
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6:13 - 6:16These teachers call themselves "pick-up artists."
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6:16 - 6:19"Artist" in French is easy, it means "artiste."
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6:19 - 6:22"Pick-up" is to pick someone up,
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6:22 - 6:24but not just any picking up -- it's picking up chicks.
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6:24 - 6:29So they are artists of picking up chicks.
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6:29 - 6:30(Laughter)
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6:30 - 6:35And they call heartache "one-itis."
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6:35 - 6:39In English, "itis" is a suffix that signifies infection.
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6:39 - 6:43One-itis can be translated as "an infection from one."
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6:43 - 6:47It's a bit disgusting. Indeed, for the pick-up artists,
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6:47 - 6:51falling in love with someone
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6:51 - 6:52is a waste of time,
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6:52 - 6:54it's squandering your seduction capital,
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6:54 - 6:56so it must be eliminated
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6:56 - 7:00like a disease, like an infection.
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7:00 - 7:04We can also envision
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7:04 - 7:07a romantic use of the genome.
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7:07 - 7:10Everyone would carry it around
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7:10 - 7:13and present it like a business card
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7:13 - 7:18to verify if seduction can progress to reproduction.
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7:18 - 7:22(Laughter)
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7:22 - 7:27Of course, this race for seduction,
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7:27 - 7:29like every fierce competition,
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7:29 - 7:34will create huge disparities
in narcissistic satisfaction, -
7:34 - 7:38and therefore a lot of loneliness and frustration too.
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7:38 - 7:41So we can expect that modernity itself,
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7:41 - 7:46which is the origin of seduction capital,
would be called into question. -
7:46 - 7:48I'm thinking particularly of the reaction
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7:48 - 7:53of neo-fascist or religious communes.
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7:53 - 7:59But such a future doesn't have to be.
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7:59 - 8:04Another path to thinking about love may be possible.
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8:04 - 8:06But how?
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8:06 - 8:11How to renounce the hysterical need to be valued?
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8:11 - 8:15Well, by becoming aware
of my uselessness. -
8:15 - 8:17(Laughter)
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8:17 - 8:18Yes,
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8:18 - 8:20I'm useless.
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8:20 - 8:22But rest assured:
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8:22 - 8:23so are you.
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8:23 - 8:26(Laughter)
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8:26 - 8:30(Applause)
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8:30 - 8:34We are all useless.
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8:34 - 8:36This uselessness is easily demonstrated,
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8:36 - 8:40because in order to be valued
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8:40 - 8:43I need another to desire me,
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8:43 - 8:45which shows that I do not have any value of my own.
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8:45 - 8:48I don't have any inherent value.
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8:51 - 8:53We all pretend to have an idol;
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8:53 - 8:56we all pretend to be an idol for
someone else, but actually -
8:56 - 9:00we are all impostors, a bit like a man on the street
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9:00 - 9:03who appears totally cool and indifferent,
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9:03 - 9:06while he has actually anticipated and calculated
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9:06 - 9:09so that all eyes are on him.
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9:09 - 9:11I think that becoming aware
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9:11 - 9:13of this general imposture
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9:13 - 9:15that concerns all of us
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9:15 - 9:16would ease our love relationships.
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9:16 - 9:19It is because I want to be loved
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9:19 - 9:20from head to toe,
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9:20 - 9:22justified in my every choice,
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9:22 - 9:25that the seduction hysteria exists.
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9:25 - 9:27And therefore I want to seem perfect
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9:27 - 9:29so that another can love me.
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9:29 - 9:31I want them to be perfect
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9:31 - 9:33so that I can be reassured of my value.
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9:33 - 9:35It leads to couples
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9:35 - 9:37obsessed with performance
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9:37 - 9:40who will break up, just like that,
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9:40 - 9:42at the slightest underachievement.
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9:42 - 9:46In contrast to this attitude,
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9:46 - 9:49I call upon tenderness -- love as tenderness.
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9:49 - 9:50What is tenderness?
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9:50 - 9:54To be tender is to accept
the loved one's weaknesses. -
9:54 - 9:58It's not about becoming a sad couple of orderlies.
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9:58 - 9:59(Laughter)
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9:59 - 10:01That's pretty bad.
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10:01 - 10:02On the contrary,
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10:02 - 10:05there's plenty of charm and happiness in tenderness.
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10:05 - 10:09I refer specifically to a kind of humor
that is unfortunately underused. -
10:09 - 10:12It is a sort of poetry of deliberate awkwardness.
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10:12 - 10:15I refer to self-mockery.
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10:15 - 10:18For a couple who is no longer sustained, supported
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10:18 - 10:20by the constraints of tradition,
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10:20 - 10:21I believe that self-mockery
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10:21 - 10:26is one of the best means for
the relationship to endure.
- Title:
- Love -- you're doing it wrong
- Speaker:
- Yann Dall'Aglio
- Description:
-
In this delightful talk, philosopher Yann Dall’Aglio explores the universal search for tenderness and connection in a world that's ever more focused on the individual. As it turns out, it's easier than you think. A wise and witty reflection on the state of love in the modern age. (Filmed at TEDxParis.)
- Video Language:
- French
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:42
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson approved English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson accepted English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for L'amour -- vous le faites mal. |