How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks | TEDxIndianaUniversity
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0:23 - 0:24I'm a painter.
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0:24 - 0:27I make large-scale figurative paintings,
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0:27 - 0:28which means I paint people
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0:29 - 0:30like this.
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0:31 - 0:34But I'm here tonight to tell you
about something personal -
0:34 - 0:37that changed my work and my perspective.
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0:38 - 0:40It's something we all go through,
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0:40 - 0:43and my hope is that my experience
may be helpful to somebody. -
0:45 - 0:48To give you some background on me,
I grew up the youngest of eight. -
0:49 - 0:51Yes, eight kids in my family.
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0:51 - 0:53I have six older brothers and a sister.
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0:53 - 0:55To give you a sense of what that's like,
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0:56 - 0:58when my family went on vacation,
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0:58 - 1:00we had a bus.
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1:00 - 1:02(Laughter)
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1:05 - 1:08My supermom would drive us all over town
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1:08 - 1:11to our various after-school activities --
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1:11 - 1:12not in the bus.
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1:13 - 1:15We had a regular car, too.
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1:16 - 1:18She would take me to art classes,
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1:18 - 1:19and not just one or two.
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1:19 - 1:25She took me to every available art class
from when I was eight to 16, -
1:25 - 1:26because that's all I wanted to do.
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1:27 - 1:30She even took a class with me
in New York City. -
1:30 - 1:34Now, being the youngest of eight,
I learned a few survival skills. -
1:34 - 1:35Rule number one:
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1:36 - 1:38don't let your big brother
see you do anything stupid. -
1:40 - 1:42So I learned to be quiet and neat
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1:42 - 1:45and careful to follow the rules
and stay in line. -
1:46 - 1:49But painting was where I made the rules.
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1:49 - 1:50That was my private world.
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1:52 - 1:55By 14, I knew I really wanted
to be an artist. -
1:56 - 1:59My big plan was to be a waitress
to support my painting. -
2:01 - 2:02So I continued honing my skills.
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2:03 - 2:05I went to graduate school
and I got an MFA, -
2:05 - 2:08and at my first solo show,
my brother asked me, -
2:08 - 2:11"What do all these red dots
mean next to the paintings?" -
2:11 - 2:13Nobody was more surprised than me.
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2:14 - 2:16The red dots meant
that the paintings were sold -
2:16 - 2:18and that I'd be able to pay my rent
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2:18 - 2:20with painting.
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2:20 - 2:24Now, my apartment
had four electrical outlets, -
2:24 - 2:27and I couldn't use a microwave
and a toaster at the same time, -
2:27 - 2:29but still, I could pay my rent.
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2:30 - 2:31So I was very happy.
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2:32 - 2:35Here's a painting
from back around that time. -
2:36 - 2:38I needed it to be
as realistic as possible. -
2:38 - 2:40It had to be specific and believable.
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2:42 - 2:46This was the place where I was
isolated and in total control. -
2:48 - 2:52Since then, I've made a career
of painting people in water. -
2:52 - 2:56Bathtubs and showers were
the perfect enclosed environment. -
2:56 - 2:58It was intimate and private,
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2:58 - 3:02and water was this complicated challenge
that kept me busy for a decade. -
3:02 - 3:04I made about 200 of these paintings,
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3:04 - 3:06some of them six to eight feet,
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3:07 - 3:08like this one.
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3:08 - 3:13For this painting, I mixed flour in
with the bathwater to make it cloudy -
3:13 - 3:16and I floated cooking oil on the surface
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3:16 - 3:17and stuck a girl in it,
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3:17 - 3:19and when I lit it up,
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3:19 - 3:22it was so beautiful
I couldn't wait to paint it. -
3:22 - 3:26I was driven by this
kind of impulsive curiosity, -
3:27 - 3:29always looking for something new to add:
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3:29 - 3:31vinyl, steam, glass.
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3:31 - 3:35I once put all this Vaseline
in my head and hair -
3:35 - 3:37just to see what that would look like.
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3:37 - 3:39Don't do that.
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3:39 - 3:40(Laughter)
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3:42 - 3:44So it was going well.
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3:44 - 3:45I was finding my way.
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3:46 - 3:48I was eager and motivated
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3:48 - 3:49and surrounded by artists,
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3:50 - 3:52always going to openings and events.
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3:53 - 3:55I was having some success and recognition
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3:55 - 3:59and I moved into an apartment
with more than four outlets. -
4:00 - 4:02My mom and I would stay up very late
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4:02 - 4:05talking about our latest ideas
and inspiring each other. -
4:06 - 4:07She made beautiful pottery.
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4:09 - 4:12I have a friend named Bo
who made this painting -
4:12 - 4:14of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,
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4:14 - 4:16and he called it "The Light Years."
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4:16 - 4:19I asked him what that meant, and he said,
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4:19 - 4:22"Well, that's when you've stepped
into adulthood, you're no longer a child, -
4:23 - 4:27but you're not yet weighed down
by the responsibilities of life." -
4:27 - 4:29That was it. It was the light years.
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4:31 - 4:33On October 8, 2011,
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4:33 - 4:35the light years came to an end.
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4:35 - 4:37My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.
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4:39 - 4:42It had spread to her bones,
and it was in her brain. -
4:43 - 4:45When she told me this, I fell to my knees.
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4:45 - 4:46I totally lost it.
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4:48 - 4:50And when I got myself together
and I looked at her, -
4:50 - 4:52I realized, this isn't about me.
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4:52 - 4:54This is about figuring out
how to help her. -
4:55 - 4:57My father is a doctor,
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4:57 - 5:00and so we had a great advantage
having him in charge, -
5:00 - 5:02and he did a beautiful job
taking care of her. -
5:03 - 5:06But I, too, wanted to do
everything I could to help, -
5:06 - 5:08so I wanted to try everything.
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5:08 - 5:10We all did.
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5:10 - 5:12I researched alternative medicines,
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5:12 - 5:15diets, juicing, acupuncture.
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5:16 - 5:17Finally, I asked her,
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5:17 - 5:19"Is this what you want me to do?"
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5:19 - 5:21And she said, "No."
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5:22 - 5:25She said, "Pace yourself.
I'm going to need you later." -
5:28 - 5:30She knew what was happening,
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5:30 - 5:32and she knew what the doctors
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5:32 - 5:34and the experts
and the internet didn't know: -
5:34 - 5:36how she wanted to go through this.
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5:37 - 5:38I just needed to ask her.
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5:40 - 5:42I realized that if I tried to fix it,
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5:42 - 5:43I would miss it.
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5:45 - 5:46So I just started to be with her,
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5:46 - 5:49whatever that meant
and whatever situation came up, -
5:50 - 5:51just really listen to her.
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5:53 - 5:57If before I was resisting,
then now I was surrendering, -
5:57 - 6:00giving up trying to control
the uncontrollable -
6:00 - 6:03and just being there in it with her.
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6:04 - 6:05Time slowed down,
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6:06 - 6:08and the date was irrelevant.
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6:09 - 6:11We developed a routine.
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6:12 - 6:15Early each morning I would crawl
into bed with her and sleep with her. -
6:15 - 6:17My brother would come for breakfast
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6:17 - 6:20and we'd be so glad to hear
his car coming up the driveway. -
6:20 - 6:23So I'd help her up and take both her hands
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6:23 - 6:25and help her walk to the kitchen.
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6:26 - 6:29She had this huge mug she made
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6:29 - 6:31she loved to drink her coffee out of,
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6:32 - 6:34and she loved Irish soda bread
for breakfast. -
6:36 - 6:37Afterwards was the shower,
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6:37 - 6:38and she loved this part.
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6:38 - 6:40She loved the warm water,
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6:40 - 6:43so I made this as indulgent as I could,
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6:44 - 6:45like a spa.
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6:46 - 6:47My sister would help sometimes.
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6:47 - 6:50We had warm towels
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6:50 - 6:52and slippers ready immediately
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6:52 - 6:54so she never got cold for a second.
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6:55 - 6:56I'd blow-dry her hair.
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6:57 - 7:00My brothers would come in the evenings
and bring their kids, -
7:00 - 7:02and that was the highlight of her day.
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7:03 - 7:06Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,
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7:06 - 7:08and she didn't want to eat so much,
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7:08 - 7:13and she used the tiniest little teacup
we could find to drink her coffee. -
7:15 - 7:17I couldn't support her myself anymore,
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7:17 - 7:19so we hired an aide
to help me with the showers. -
7:21 - 7:23These simple daily activities
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7:23 - 7:25became our sacred ritual,
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7:26 - 7:28and we repeated them day after day
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7:28 - 7:29as the cancer grew.
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7:30 - 7:32It was humbling and painful
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7:32 - 7:35and exactly where I wanted to be.
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7:37 - 7:39We called this time "the beautiful awful."
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7:41 - 7:44She died on October 26, 2012.
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7:44 - 7:48It was a year and three weeks
after her diagnosis. -
7:49 - 7:50She was gone.
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7:54 - 7:56My brothers, sister, and father and I
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7:56 - 8:00all came together in this
supportive and attentive way. -
8:00 - 8:02It was as though our whole family dynamic
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8:02 - 8:04and all our established roles vanished
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8:04 - 8:07and we were just
all together in this unknown, -
8:07 - 8:09feeling the same thing
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8:09 - 8:10and taking care of each other.
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8:12 - 8:14I'm so grateful for them.
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8:18 - 8:21As someone who spends most
of my time alone in a studio working, -
8:21 - 8:24I had no idea that this kind of connection
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8:24 - 8:27could be so important, so healing.
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8:27 - 8:29This was the most important thing.
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8:31 - 8:32It was what I always wanted.
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8:34 - 8:38So after the funeral, it was time
for me to go back to my studio. -
8:40 - 8:43So I packed up my car
and I drove back to Brooklyn, -
8:43 - 8:46and painting is what I've always done,
so that's what I did. -
8:47 - 8:48And here's what happened.
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8:52 - 8:56It's like a release of everything
that was unraveling in me. -
8:58 - 9:03That safe, very, very carefully
rendered safe place -
9:03 - 9:06that I created in all my other paintings,
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9:06 - 9:08it was a myth.
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9:08 - 9:09It didn't work.
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9:10 - 9:12And I was afraid, because
I didn't want to paint anymore. -
9:16 - 9:17So I went into the woods.
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9:17 - 9:21I thought, I'll try that, going outside.
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9:21 - 9:24I got my paints,
and I wasn't a landscape painter, -
9:24 - 9:27but I wasn't really
much of any kind of painter at all, -
9:27 - 9:30so I had no attachment, no expectation,
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9:30 - 9:33which allowed me to be reckless and free.
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9:33 - 9:35I actually left one of these wet paintings
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9:35 - 9:37outside overnight
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9:37 - 9:41next to a light in the woods.
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9:41 - 9:44By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.
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9:45 - 9:48But I didn't care.
It didn't matter. It didn't matter. -
9:48 - 9:50I took all these paintings
back to my studio, -
9:50 - 9:53and scraped them, and carved into them,
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9:53 - 9:55and poured paint thinner on them,
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9:55 - 9:57put more paint on top, drew on them.
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9:57 - 9:59I had no plan,
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10:00 - 10:02but I was watching what was happening.
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10:03 - 10:05This is the one with all the bugs in it.
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10:06 - 10:08I wasn't trying to represent a real space.
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10:09 - 10:13It was the chaos and the imperfections
that were fascinating me, -
10:13 - 10:15and something started to happen.
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10:16 - 10:18I got curious again.
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10:19 - 10:21This is another one from the woods.
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10:23 - 10:25There was a caveat now, though.
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10:25 - 10:27I couldn't be controlling
the paint like I used to. -
10:28 - 10:31It had to be about implying
and suggesting, -
10:31 - 10:33not explaining or describing.
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10:34 - 10:38And that imperfect,
chaotic, turbulent surface -
10:38 - 10:40is what told the story.
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10:43 - 10:46I started to be as curious
as I was when I was a student. -
10:47 - 10:52So the next thing was I wanted
to put figures in these paintings, people, -
10:53 - 10:55and I loved this new environment,
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10:55 - 10:59so I wanted to have
both people and this atmosphere. -
11:01 - 11:03When the idea hit me of how to do this,
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11:03 - 11:05I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,
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11:06 - 11:08which is really just adrenaline, probably,
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11:08 - 11:11but for me it's a really good sign.
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11:11 - 11:14And so now I want to show you
what I've been working on. -
11:15 - 11:19It's something I haven't shown yet,
and it's like a preview, I guess, -
11:19 - 11:20of my upcoming show,
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11:20 - 11:21what I have so far.
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11:23 - 11:25Expansive space
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11:26 - 11:28instead of the isolated bathtub.
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11:28 - 11:30I'm going outside instead of inside.
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11:32 - 11:33Loosening control,
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11:35 - 11:37savoring the imperfections,
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11:37 - 11:38allowing the --
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11:39 - 11:41allowing the imperfections.
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11:42 - 11:44And in that imperfection,
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11:44 - 11:47you can find a vulnerability.
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11:47 - 11:51I could feel my deepest intention,
what matters most to me, -
11:53 - 11:55that human connection
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11:56 - 12:00that can happen in a space
where there's no resisting or controlling. -
12:01 - 12:03I want to make paintings about that.
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12:05 - 12:07So here's what I learned.
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12:08 - 12:11We're all going to have
big losses in our lives, -
12:12 - 12:14maybe a job or a career,
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12:14 - 12:18relationships, love, our youth.
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12:19 - 12:21We're going to lose our health,
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12:21 - 12:22people we love.
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12:23 - 12:26These kinds of losses
are out of our control. -
12:26 - 12:27They're unpredictable,
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12:28 - 12:30and they bring us to our knees.
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12:31 - 12:33And so I say, let them.
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12:34 - 12:37Fall to your knees. Be humbled.
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12:38 - 12:40Let go of trying to change it
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12:40 - 12:42or even wanting it to be different.
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12:43 - 12:44It just is.
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12:46 - 12:48And then there's space,
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12:48 - 12:51and in that space feel your vulnerability,
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12:51 - 12:53what matters most to you,
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12:53 - 12:54your deepest intention.
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12:56 - 12:58And be curious to connect
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12:59 - 13:02to what and who is really here,
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13:03 - 13:04awake and alive.
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13:05 - 13:07It's what we all want.
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13:08 - 13:11Let's take the opportunity
to find something beautiful -
13:12 - 13:15in the unknown, in the unpredictable,
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13:16 - 13:17and even in the awful.
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13:19 - 13:20Thank you.
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13:20 - 13:23(Applause)
- Title:
- How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection | Alyssa Monks | TEDxIndianaUniversity
- Description:
-
Painter Alyssa Monks finds beauty and inspiration in the unknown, the unpredictable and even the awful. In a poetic, intimate talk, she describes the interaction of life, paint and canvas through her development as an artist, and as a human.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 13:39
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for The Beautiful Awful | Alyssa Monks | TEDxIndianaUniversity | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for The Beautiful Awful | Alyssa Monks | TEDxIndianaUniversity |