Bringing up children the Dutch way | Michele Hutchison | TEDxKazimierz

The Dutch way of raising children has advantages for parents and children alike. In this talk, Michele Hutchison tells the story of how she and her co-author Rina Acosta came to understand the counterintuitive idea that parents can do more for their children and themselves by doing less.

Michele Hutchison is an editor, translator and writer. She was born and raised in England and studied at the universities of East Anglia, Cambridge and Lyon. She worked in British publishing before moving to Amsterdam, heavily pregnant, in 2004. There she worked as an editor and became a prominent translator of Dutch literature. She lives in a leaky, old dyke house with her two Dutch children.

With Rina Mae Acosta, Michele is co-author of the bestselling book "The Happiest Kids in the World: How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (And Themselves) By Doing Less", published in 2017. Rina originally planned to share the stage with Michele but due to difficulties with her pregnancy, contributed to the talk via pre-recorded video.

The Polish translation, "Najszczęśliwsze dzieci na świecie", was published this year.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

How many people
in the room today are parents,

or planning on becoming
parents in the future?

Quite a lot of you.

Now, imagine for a moment
that in three to six months' time

you're going to have your first baby.

What sort of parent do you aspire to be?

What do you want for your child?

You might want your child
to be intelligent, well-educated,

popular perhaps, or sporty.

But most of all, you probably
want your child to be happy.

Now, in our modern-day parenting culture,

this usually equates to the child being
successful in order to be happy.

And in order for your child
to accomplish this,

you're going to try and give them
the best start in life

and be the perfect parent.

Now, there's an assumption
that children need and deserve

all the time, money and attention
a parent can humanly provide

in order to give them
a competitive head start.

And this has become culturally ingrained.

I've heard about the "Matka Polka"
tradition here in Poland

of the mother, and presumably
in progressive families, the father too,

sacrificing themselves
for their kids and their family.

So I think this might be relevant
to you guys here today.

Now, the idea I want to share,

along with my co-author, Rina Mae Acosta,

is that putting all your energy
and attention into aiming for perfection

is not the best approach.

Not for you, and not for your child.

This is not an obvious idea at all.

So we want to explain why

and tell you how our life experiences
show this to be true.

Being a great parent

does not have to be about being the best,

about winning the competition of life.

And it's not necessarily a good thing

to overthink parenting
or over research it.

A more relaxed approach
can take the stress out of parenting,

as we discovered when
we moved to another country.

Now, who are we?

How come I'm here, on stage, telling you
not to be the best parent you can be,

that less parenting is more,

that overthinking things
can damage you and your child,

that there's a danger in trying too hard?

I'm Michele Hutchison.
I'm a British editor and translator.

I married a Dutchman

and moved to the Netherlands in 2004.

I was 37 weeks pregnant
with my first child,

and he is now a strapping young man
who will be turning 14 soon.

My second is a very sporty
daughter, and she is 11.

And I shall describe
both my kids as happy.

Now let's have Rina
introduce herself on film.

(Video) Hi! I'm Rina Mae Acosta,

a San Francisco native
who fell in love with a Dutch boy.

We decided to get married,
settle in Holland

and are now the proud parents
of two boys, ages six and almost three,

and are looking forward to baby
number three this coming fall.

Michele and I independently
came to realize

that Holland had a very liberating
approach to raising children

that was quite different

from what our friends and family
in the UK and US were experiencing.

The Dutch approach towards parenting
was actually a breath of fresh air.

In Holland, there seemed to be
a lot less anxiety,

and a much more relaxed environment.

The parents all around us seemed happy

and as the saying goes:
"Happy parents usually have happy kids."

But don't get the wrong idea.

It certainly isn't an "anything-goes"
parenting approach.

Rather, it's a pragmatic,
understanding and reasonable way

of teaching and loving children,

the right balance between hovering
and keeping a distance.

Studies compiled by Unicef
in 2007 and 2013

rated Dutch kids
as the happiest in the world.

Dutch kids were ahead of their peers
in childhood well-being

compared to 29 of the world's
richest industrialized countries.

And, when we talk about the happiest kids
in the world, we're describing children

who are self-aware,
responsible, confident,

have healthy relationships
with their family, friends and peers,

and are able to find
their place in the world.

And when it came to Dutch children
rating their own happiness levels,

over 95 % of them counted themselves
happy on the life-satisfaction scale.

So I decided to blog about it,
titling the post:

"The 8 secrets of Dutch kids,
the happiest kids in the world."

I had no idea that people
would actually read it.

After all, I was just
another mommy blogger.

But something about it resonated deeply
with lots of people around the world.

The blog attracted
the attention of a publisher,

the very one Michele left
to raise her children in Amsterdam,

and we found ourselves co-writing
"The Happiest Kids in the World."

It came out last year
and attracted a storm of media.

Rights were sold
to more than 12 countries,

including Poland, where it was published
a couple months ago.

Now, the norm in Holland
is for simplicity.

To the pragmatic family-orientated Dutch,

it makes absolute sense to ensure
that children grow up happy.

They maintain a healthy attitude
towards their kids,

seeing them as individuals
rather than extensions of themselves.

Dutch parents have consciously clung on
to the kind of childhood most of us had,

and are recreating it
for their own children.

Compared to the rest of the world,
where hyperaware parenting is the norm,

Dutch kids relish
in relatively unlimited freedom,

riding their bikes to school

playing on the streets,
visiting friends after school,

all without the supervision
of their parents.

(Applause)

M. Hutchison: Now,
all that freedom she describes,

it sounds familiar, doesn't it?

And yes, many of us grew up that way.

So why can't we
recreate this for our kids?

These ideas aren't uniquely Dutch at all.

Many of us would love to implement them

if we weren't so worried
about what other parents would think.

Now, let me describe five key features
of the Dutch approach to family life.

One: Dutch kids play outside unsupervised.

Playing outside unsupervised.

Well, why not?

Fear.

Fear has become so dominant
in contemporary society

that many parents no longer dare
to leave their kids unsupervised.

They hover over them all the time,
picking them up when they fall down.

It's, of course, natural and terrifying

to imagine your child
being attacked, abducted

or worse.

Believe me, any normal parent
has these fears.

Dutch parents taught me
that it's completely normal.

The trick is to let go
of the unrealistic fears.

Independent play
is in the child's best interest.

And my kids played outside in the park
opposite our house from a very young age.

I'd watch them surreptitiously
through the window,

and gradually lengthened the leash
as they grew older.

According to UNICEF,
children in the Netherlands

are no less safe
than anywhere else in Europe.

They're no more likely to be abducted
because of unsupervised play.

Children don't pay the price
for the freedom their parents allow them.

Two: Dutch kids bike in the rain.

Well, cycling in the rain
isn't nice, is it?

But in Holland it is totally normal.
No one thinks twice about it.

When I moved to Amsterdam,
one of the first things I got was a bike.

Bikes are almost compulsory
in our flat country,

where there are literally
more bikes than people.

Children start cycling at an earlier age,

around four years old,
when they start school.

Parents teach them to cycle safely

and don't worry about them
cycling on their own

from about the age of nine or so.

There's a good network of cycle paths

like you're trying to create
here in Poland.

And rain gear is all you need
to cope with the terrible weather.

It rains a lot in Holland.

In terms of getting your kids out there,

it's true they need a push at the start,
when they're very young.

Any kid would rather be chauffeur-driven,
but it just becomes normal to cycle.

And soon they stop asking
and just get on with it.

Research has shown
that cycling in all weathers

makes children more resilient,

and people who are more resilient

are happier.

I've just got back from a holiday
in London with my daughter

and she constantly missed
the convenience of her bike.

They're really good
for impatient children

because you can just get on and go.

Three: Dutch families
spend more time together.

A good work-life balance
is not unattainable.

The Dutch fought for and attained
a work-life balance

that many parents would be envious of.

According to latest statistics, the Dutch
work, on average, 32 hours a week,

which is the lowest in the world,
aside from Rwanda.

Yet they are efficient: they ranked 7th
in terms of productivity per capita.

We're not talking about a country
that's poor but happy.

However, there is less need
for status symbols,

and we attribute some of the happiness

to the lack of materialism
in Dutch families.

Holland is a high-achieving country
that fosters creativity.

Just look up the list
of Dutch inventions on Wikipedia.

It's longer than your arm.

Recent inventions include
Blu-ray and Wi-Fi,

and more older ones apparently
include the stock exchange,

the orange carrot

and the plastic bicycle mudguard.

The only part of the bicycle invented
by the Dutch was invented by a woman:

Willemine van der Woerd, who also invented
all kinds of other useful accessories.

Now, since they're working less,

many mothers and fathers
dedicate one day a week, or more,

to simply spending time
with their children,

and they pencil in time
for themselves, too.

In Holland, as I discovered
when I got an office job there,

it is totally acceptable to leave work
at 5 p.m. to go home to your kids.

Simple time together is more important
than squeezing every important experience

into so-called "quality time."

And another key thing to remember
is that happy parents have happy kids.

As Rina told us, parents
look after themselves

and these parents are great role models
for their own children for the future.

Four: Under 10's have much less
or no homework, and more leisure time.

So, my Dutch kids, these guys here,

had actually no homework
at primary school.

Not having academic pressure or homework

gave my children plenty of time
to do sports, hobbies and play outdoors,

which is that great Dutch trick
for getting children off the iPad.

In Holland, it's more important to enjoy
school than to get ahead at school.

Parents and teachers believe
in letting kids grow up at their own pace.

There is less pressure to excel
or compete with other children

to be top of the class.

After primary school,
instead of getting homework,

children play at after-school clubs,

set up their own playdates
or cycle off to their sports and hobbies.

Five: Dutch parents have open,

honest conversations
with their children about sex.

So we're talking about sex education
that avoids creating taboos.

Dutch parents love
open, honest conversations.

They talk with their children
about sex as soon as they ask,

matching their explanations to suit
how much the child can understand.

By teaching their children about intimacy,
sex and boundaries from an early age,

they raise children who not only
lose their virginity later

than in more sexually
conservative countries,

but are more likely to protect themselves
from sexually transmitted diseases,

like chlamydia and gonorrhea.

So this openness is actually
a way of protecting children.

Here is Rina's son and her pregnant belly.

How many people here
would be completely at ease

if their child asked
where the babies come from?

In Holland it's not embarrassing
to answer questions like this.

We just do it in a relaxed way.

And knowledge about reproduction,
sexuality and intimacy

empowers children to set
their own boundaries later.

And last but not least:

Dutch kids eat chocolate sprinkles
on bread for breakfast.

OK, that's tip number six.
It's an extra free tip.

But, anyway, don't sweat
the healthy eating in the morning.

It's more important to go
to school on a full stomach.

And the Dutch have some
of the lowest obesity levels in Europe.

Now, for obvious reasons,
we can't all move to Holland.

But many of the features
of Dutch life can be replicated.

Of course some things
are harder than others

and will need to be addressed
on a national level.

For example, shorter working hours,

unless you're a manager,
then, hey, go ahead,

and send everyone home at 5 p.m. tomorrow.

It's also hard to reduce
homework at primary school

or build safe cycling lanes.

Other things require local cooperation,
like creating safe communities

where kids can play unsupervised,

and any parent watching looks out
for all the kids, not just their own.

Now, this is my home street,

and this shared community life
is typical of Holland.

But here are some things
that you, as an individual,

can adopt today, or in the future,
when you become a parent.

The Dutch aren't doing parenting better
so much as they're doing less of it.

They're less hands-on, as it were.

So stop doing everything
for your children.

Let them play outside alone.

Independence leads to self-confidence,

which develops self-worth
and manifests as happiness.

Allow your children to make mistakes
and learn from them.

Only then can they build up resilience,

the ability to face
and overcome challenges.

Dutch parents let go of what they think
their children are supposed to be

and give them the chance to develop
into independent, confident,

self-sufficient beings.

Rein in the pervasive, crippling anxiety
and our shared delusion

that we can curate and control
every last detail of our children's lives.

We're not advocating taking crazy risks.

Note that the children here
have safety belts on.

But, although it's a metaphor,
a nervous parent might deny these kids

the pleasure, excitement and a valuable
opportunity to learn about balance.

Learn form the Dutch word "relativeren,"

which means "putting things
in perspective."

Rather than worrying
about all the horrible things

that can possibly happen,

teach and equip children
with important skills,

such as knowing how to swim,
how to follow traffic rules

and being vocal about personal boundaries.

And let's hear from Rina again.

(Video) Hi. It's me, Rina Mae again.

There really is another kinder
and more pragmatic way of parenting.

And we'll leave you with this:

Yes, parenting really
can be both joyful and fun

if you allow yourself to relax a bit more

and allow your children more freedoms.

The less you do for your kids,
the more they do for themselves

and the more empowered they will become.

Empower them early in age-appropriate ways
to do things for themselves,

and allow them room to fail.

This enables them to learn
how to cope and become more resilient.

The Dutch approach to parenting

helped me to become
a more confident, relaxed mother.

Parenting is still a lot of work
and oftentimes thankless,

but if we start coming
from a more honest, forgiving place,

and allow ourselves
to start enjoying parenthood

and embrace the messiness of life
with a bit more Dutch pragmatism,

we and our children
will be a whole lot happier.

M.H.: These ideas are vitally relevant
to parents, not just in Holland,

not just to us, and not just in Poland,
but to all parents everywhere,

and to everyone who may be planning
on becoming a parent in the future.

Note that the Dutch approach actually
makes raising children less daunting.

My closing words
to TEDxKazimierz are these:

Do less, stress less.

Give your children the space
and freedom to learn through play.

Let them learn through making mistakes,

through falling down
and getting back up again on their own.

Don't protect children form risk,

but prepare them
to face the world as it is.

And keep an honest,
open conversation going.

Learn form the Dutch, just as we did.

We built our family lives
in Poland... in Holland

in a way we felt was a bit saner
and more practical

for us and our children.

We want as many people as possible

to take something away
from the Dutch approach to family life,

to be happier parents with happier kids

all over the world.

Thank you.

(Applause)