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So what is empathy?
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And why is it very different than sympathy?
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Empathy fuels connection, sympathy drives disconnection.
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Empathy, it's very interesting, Teresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied professions very diverse professions where empathy is relevant and came up with 4 qualities of empathy.
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Perspective Taking, the ability to take the perspective of another person or recognize their perspective as their truth.
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Staying Out of Judgement, not easy, when you enjoy it as much as most of us do.
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Recognizing Emotion in Other People, and then communicating that.
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Empathy...is feeling WITH people.
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And to me, I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space.
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When someone's kind of in a deep hole, and they shout out from the bottom, and they say,
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"I'm stuck, it's dark, I'm overwhelmed,"
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And then, we look and we say,
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"Hey...I'm down... I know what it's like down here. And you're not alone."
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Sympathy is...
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"Oooh!"
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"It's bad, uh huh..."
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"Uuuuhhhh...no."
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"...you wanna sandwich?"
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"Umm..."
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Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable choice, because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.
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Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with, "At least".
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I had a... and we do it all the time.
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Because you know what, somebody just shared something with us that's incredibly painful, and we're trying to silver line-ing it.
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I don't think that's a verb, but I'm using it as one.
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We're trying to put the silver lining around it.
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So, "I had a miscarrige."
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"At least you know you can get pregnant."
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"I think my marriage is falling apart."
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"At least you have a marriage."
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"John's getting kicked out of school."
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"At least Sarah is an A student."
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But one of the things we do sometimes, in the face of very difficult conversations, is we try to make things better.
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If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say,
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"I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me."
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Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better.
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What makes something better is connection.