Body-positive | Betty Q | TEDxWarsaw

Does your body talk to your mind? Does your mind listen? In today's world, which effectively ensures that we see only "perfect" bodies on every corner, it is easy to doubt in your own. But every body is OK. Self-awareness, that is, establishing a relationship between a body and mind, can prevent serious self-esteem disorders such as depression, body dysmorphia and eating disorders. BettyQ is the first Polish burlesque performer. She is a body positivity activist, the founder of Madame Q (a stage, an academy and a cocktail bar) and the burlesque-teaching organization Akademia Burleski. She is a theater and film choreographer, a producer and the director of Naked Girls Reading Warsaw.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Wow! Hi! Howdy!

When I was a kid, back in the '90s,

my mom told me that you shouldn't
wear white thighs,

because they make your legs look fat.

So for my first burlesque show,

I wore white thighs.

(Laughter)

My mom's reaction was,
"It wasn't that bad after all."

(Laughter)

I undress on the stage, I strip for money,

I undress in front of strangers.

Not today.

(Laughter)

Today, the naked lady speaks.

(Laughter)

I undress because
every body is stage-worthy,

and every body is beautiful.

Have you heard the phrase "body positive"?
Do you know it?

We translate it literally
from the English expression.

No? OK.

The first thing that "body positivity"
makes you think of

is probably fat girls.

That is, people who identify themselves
as women who are fat.

I believe that body positivity
is a much broader idea,

and I'm going to break it down for you.

I want to show you

why it's worth thinking differently
about body positivity.

First, body positivity
is about any type of body.

It's not that someone
is not body-positive enough,

or too fat to use the hashtag
"#bodypositive."

Body positivity is about people
who are tall, short,

people with acne, skin lesions,
scars, angiomas,

cherry angiomas on their chests,

stretch marks because
they grew up too fast

or because they have gained weight;

people who are fat or skinny,

of any gender and any skin tone.

Body positivity is about them all.

The word "positive."

Those fat girls are probably
very happy and optimistic.

Well, no.

I think that "positive"
is really not the best term for it,

because it forces us to be so happy,

and implies that only being happy
will make us feel good in our bodies.

It's not really like that.

I strongly believe body positivity
and the word "positive"

can be understood differently.

"Positive," for example,
can refer to a test result.

An HIV test, a pregnancy test
or a driving exam.

In those three cases,
what would a positive result mean?

It means that there is a virus,
there is a pregnancy,

and that there are some abilities
that are required to drive a car.

(Laughter)

So presence seems to be
the most important.

Presence as awareness,

as the importance of the body.

"Body-present" is my favourite neologism.

A body-present person can feel their body.

They know that their body
is important and necessary.

I wouldn't be standing here
without my body, right?

I owe a lot to my body, and you do too.

But these days, all of us
take more from our body

than we actually give back.

Because the mind is important,
education is important.

I like to be vain, I like to be beautiful.

I think that everyone
likes to be beautiful, all of us.

Understanding this reciprocity,

how to make our mind
take care of our body,

how to stop this hegemony
of the mind over the body,

may be a way of winking at our body

and making it feel good,
doing something nice for it.

I am standing here thanks to my body.

I am standing here, upright,
and I am speaking, thanks to my body.

I can hear you, thanks to my body.

I can look at you, thanks to my body.

So why shouldn't I thank my body,
by listening to it, for example?

By acknowledging I've wanted to pee
since session three started?

Cool. If you guys want
to go pee now, feel free.

I will be standing here and talking
for 10 minutes, so you'll make it.

Or maybe you want to eat that candy bar
at the bottom of the goodie bag,

tucked away for a rainy day,
but wait, no, we're on a diet.

So your mind says no.

Or maybe you would like to undo your bra

because it's so hot and uncomfortable,

or you would like to take off
these unwearable shoes,

and sit with your legs
out to the side, the way you like to.

Do it now.

Do a little experiment with your body.

I want to see a little commotion.

Oh! Something's happening!

You are doing something
only for your body,

you are thinking about it,
telling it, "Hey, you're awesome."

Let's take it a step further.

I want you to do something,

though it's summer,
so you may already have your arms bare.

I want you to uncover this place,

and while looking at me,
give it a little stroke.

So nice!

You too, sir.

(Laughter)

There is something about it.

If you experience this little shudder
on your back, then it's nice.

I said that you should look at me.

But you can keep doing this
throughout this session, if you like.

You can switch arms.

I said that this exercise
will give your body a stroke,

will give it some advance care.

It's like saying "thank you."

At one of my workshops,

I met someone who told me
she didn't like her hands,

because they were rough,
chapped, red, not very nice.

They spent a lot of time
tucked into her pockets.

It's obvious that she didn't like
to do anything for them,

because she didn't like them.

If I don't like someone,

they're not getting
a birthday gift from me.

Right?

I won't make them soup when they're sick.

But if I have two hands,

and they are the only hands
that I've got in this life,

then maybe it's worth taking care of them.

Maybe it's worth making body positivity

not only passive thinking about your body,

but turning it into action.

Maybe the action of using some hand cream.

Let this be the first gesture

that you'll do for the body part
that you don't like.

Let this be using a cream,

or instead of taking a shower,

treating yourself
to a nice, fragrant bath.

In this kind of weather,

a cold bath may be the better option.

OK then.

During my workshops, I ask people:

"If the way you relate to your body

was a type of family relationship,

what would it be?"

People think for a while, and answer.

Separated twins,

a divorced couple with a mortgage,

distant cousins who have never met.

I believe that what I do,

and what I want to introduce you to -
I'm not saying what it is, yet -

can lead to preventive measures

for various things like eating disorders,
body dysmorphic disorders,

depressive disorders,
which have become a plague now.

I know it's a cliché.

But what if a little prevention can go
a long way towards changing things,

even a little thing
like stroking your arm.

Something about your mood
or how you feel about your body.

I want to give you one more neologism.

"Diverse-body-presence"
sounds a little awkward -

your spellchecker
would underline it for sure.

I understand diverse-body-presence
as a presence of diverse bodies

in the public space, media,
and what we see every day.

That is, the presence of bodies
that do or do not have hair,

that are of different shapes,
colors, genders.

What do all of those bodies need?

Representation.

But let's get back to reality.

When you get out of here,

on billboards, you'll probably see
completely different bodies than yours.

We are different than those bodies.

Like, "something is off."

Does it mean that our bodies
are not good enough

to be on billboards and covers?

They're telling us that.

A little voice whispers that to us
somewhere in the back of our heads.

I want you to look around
this room once again,

and just brazenly stare at everyone.

See who has acne,

who is fat, who is bald.

Those words are not pejorative,
they're just words, like "green."

I bet you've spotted a few.

It's hard to get a statistical read
of this tiny, 500-people room,

but still, you have a feeling about it,

about this percentage
that I want to tell you about.

When we turn on the TV,

we'll only see one fat TV personality.

It's cool that you are there, Dorota,

it's really great.

But she's the only one out there.

Based on that sample, statistics would say
there are no fat people in Poland,

or that there is one millionth
of a fat person.

Do you get what I mean?

We have one singer who had acne

and was not ashamed of it
and showed it on stage.

It's cool that you are there, Dawid,
but it's not enough.

It's so little.

When you looked around,
you probably saw more fat people,

and people with acne, as an example.

There is something about it.

How it is possible
that there is this disproportion,

and we are so underrepresented?

Did you know that one
of the Polish news shows

has an anchor who uses a wheelchair?

Only on the air, he uses a regular chair.

What would have changed
if he used his wheelchair,

in a way that would make it visible?

Perhaps that would make other people
who use wheelchairs go,

"I can do such things too!"

It's not about hearing this
stated explicitly.

These things work their way
into our minds slowly.

Just like the idea we somehow have

that there are no fat actresses
in starring roles.

There are more and more,
but still not that many.

Our world doesn't look like
we have representation,

or that we see people like us,

or that we believe that we can
be a star even with our acne.

Or that we can be
whoever we want even if we're fat.

Not everyone likes the stage.

I personally love it,
not sure if you can tell.

(Laughter)

But not everyone wants it.

I'm sure everybody has an idea
about a different path they could take.

And that is OK.

But I can only internally allow myself
to really believe it

if I can see people like me do it too.

Or you can be very brave

and become the first person
in Poland to do something.

But if nobody looks like me,

I won't probably do it,
or I will creep to it very slowly.

What would I feel?

That I'm not good enough,
important enough, attractive enough.

I could leave you here,

in this world without representation,

which is pretty sad,

and not so diverse-body-positive,
and not so diverse-body-present.

But I have good news.

I have a massage for you:

that there is a place,

a place that I come from

a place thanks to which
I am standing right here,

where there is body-presence
and diverse-body-presence.

Where you'll see it everywhere.

That place is not that mainstream.

Sometimes it's hard to get there,

but by speaking to you now,

I hope that more people
will learn about it

and about that space in our minds.

I'm talking about the burlesque stage.

The reason there's glitter on me

and that this is the dress I'm wearing

is simply because I came here
straight from that stage.

I come to you from the place
that I'm going to invite you to,

from three different sides.

Let's start with something
easy for you to imagine.

You're in the audience
and onto the stage comes a person

who performs in front of you, an artist.

This person strips off their clothes
and reveals their body.

And you instantly realize

that this person has the same
C-section scar you do.

Or they have cellulite, just like you.

Or they're short, just like you.

And you thought

that those attributes excluded you
from being attractive.

That's a shock.

That person on the stage, like me here,

has the same body,

and you feel represented on this stage.

You feel that you can do sexy
and attractive things.

You don't have to jump
onto the stage of course, but you can.

This stage is still small,
so you can join.

But this means that me or my
partner, with whom I watch the show,

will think, "Wow, I can be attractive too.

My body is awesome,
because it's being represented."

Now, a different side.

No, I'm not going to stand backwards.

The other side

is where you come onto the stage
as a burlesque performer,

and reveal your body
in that same situation.

You get something from the audience.
Now, let's make some noise.

Noise! Now!

(Cheers)

I get this when I come onto the stage
and reveal my body.

This is automatic positive reinforcement,

this is Pavlov's dog.

I get a reward for showing off
my often non-normative body.

Wow, right?

Cool.

Now for the third side -

because like I said,
not everyone wants to go on stage.

You can go to burlesque workshops,

where you'll learn a lot about
body-presence and diverse-body-presence.

You'll learn about
body-mind communication,

which these days,
I find extremely important.

After learning all of that,
you'll notice everyone has wonky nipples,

because they do.

Or that everyone has a different butt,

different legs,

but everything is just right.

Spread this idea around.

This is a very good time
for you to try burlesque

in one of these three ways.

To sum up,

there's something I want to ask you:

What kind of family relationship
would your body-mind relationship be?

You don't have to say it out loud,
think about it a little.

Who are they to each other?

Who are these characters?

Is it a good relationship?

Maybe a little worse?

Or maybe it's a great one?

Maybe it was great way back when,
and now it's not?

It's going to change over time.

My body-mind relationship is not perfect,

it has been changing a lot.

Your relationship can change too,

because any relationship
can use some work.

Every relationship, so on this one too.

My relationship is not perfect,
because I'm a beautiful imperfection.

You are all beautiful imperfections,

each and every single one of you.

Thank you.

(Applause)