How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated
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0:05 - 0:09The Scapegoat
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0:10 - 0:12When I say the word scapegoat,
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0:12 - 0:14many of you already know what I mean.
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0:14 - 0:15For those of you that don't,
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0:15 - 0:18a scapegoat is a person who is blamed
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0:18 - 0:21for the wrongdoings,
the mistakes and faults, -
0:21 - 0:23regardless of other people
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0:23 - 0:25being either entirely at fault,
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0:25 - 0:27or also at fault,
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0:27 - 0:30especially for reasons of expediency.
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0:30 - 0:32Now this term scapegoat
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0:32 - 0:34originates from Judaism.
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0:34 - 0:36During mass reconciliation
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0:36 - 0:38a rabbi would bring a goat to the altar.
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0:38 - 0:39The idiotic idea
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0:39 - 0:42was that sins of the people
would be absorbed into the goat -
0:42 - 0:44and it would then be killed.
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0:44 - 0:46When its blood would spill over the altar,
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0:46 - 0:48those sins were said to be cleansed.
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0:48 - 0:50In a human social group, like a family,
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0:50 - 0:53there are complex interactions
that take place and roles -
0:53 - 0:54that people end up in.
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0:54 - 0:56The emotional interdependence
-
0:56 - 0:58and even the most abusive
and disconnected homes -
0:58 - 1:01still makes it so that a
change in one person, -
1:01 - 1:04creates reciprocal changes in
every other member of the group. -
1:04 - 1:07In a dysfunctional social group,
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1:08 - 1:11(a dysfunctional family is
a dysfunctional social group) -
1:12 - 1:13What will actually happen
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1:13 - 1:17is that the strongest member
of the family will be targeted. -
1:17 - 1:19Now what I mean by strongest is,
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1:19 - 1:21is that any social group,
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1:21 - 1:24creates patterns of dysfunctionality
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1:24 - 1:25and the strongest member
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1:25 - 1:29is the member that goes against
these patterns of dysfunctionality. -
1:29 - 1:31They're the one that
doesn't feed into them, -
1:31 - 1:33and therefore, they're the ones that cause
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1:33 - 1:36everyone else to be triggered about them.
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1:36 - 1:40Now this strongest member
of the group being targeted -
1:40 - 1:42will now become the "group problem"
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1:42 - 1:44or the "family problem".
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1:44 - 1:47All of the emotional and mental discomfort
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1:47 - 1:49that is experienced by
the group as a whole, -
1:49 - 1:51is deflected and projected
on to this person -
1:51 - 1:54who is expected to bear it so that
the other members of the group -
1:54 - 1:57don't have to face that
discomfort in themselves. -
1:57 - 2:00The subconscious goal here,
is in fact, catharsis. -
2:00 - 2:04The scapegoat is the one
that is selected to suffer, -
2:04 - 2:08so that the other members
of the family don't have to. -
2:08 - 2:09In the family,
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2:09 - 2:12the person who ends up
in the role of the scapegoat -
2:12 - 2:13is not actually to blame
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2:13 - 2:16any more than the goat
in our sacrifice scenario -
2:16 - 2:19is to blame for the sins of the people.
-
2:19 - 2:21The thing is that their feelings,
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2:21 - 2:25their thoughts, their needs,
their desires, their perspectives -
2:25 - 2:28actually causes the unresolved issues
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2:28 - 2:29in the other family members,
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2:29 - 2:31to surface.
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2:31 - 2:33At which point,
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2:33 - 2:36instead of looking at
these unresolved issues -
2:36 - 2:37and actually resolving them,
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2:37 - 2:40all of that distress becomes deflected
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2:40 - 2:42on to this person.
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2:42 - 2:45And that person is the reason
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2:45 - 2:47for the family's problems and suffering.
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2:48 - 2:49Here's an example:
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2:49 - 2:52A mother doesn't actually want a child,
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2:52 - 2:54but she has been led by society to believe
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2:54 - 2:57that that's the only acceptable
role for her to have. -
2:57 - 3:00And in fact, that's the only
way for her to guarantee -
3:00 - 3:02that she's gonna get love long term.
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3:02 - 3:04So she has a child.
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3:04 - 3:08Now this child is going
to have its own needs, -
3:08 - 3:10have its own desires,
have its own thoughts... -
3:10 - 3:12It's gonna be its own unique being.
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3:12 - 3:15But when it's born to a mother
that doesn't really want a child, -
3:15 - 3:19a mother that just wants
validation, for example, -
3:19 - 3:21this isn't going to go so well.
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3:21 - 3:24When this mother has to run around
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3:24 - 3:26and cater to this child's thoughts
and needs and desires -
3:26 - 3:29and accommodate the child
in such an extreme way, -
3:29 - 3:31it's gonna bring up her
unresolved issues -
3:31 - 3:34around wanting to do what
she wants to do in life. -
3:34 - 3:35And the very real fact
-
3:35 - 3:38that society led her in the
exact opposite direction -
3:38 - 3:39of her genuine desires,
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3:39 - 3:41in the direction of what society says
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3:41 - 3:43she needs to be doing with her life.
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3:43 - 3:47Now, instead of facing the fact that
she never wanted to be a mother, -
3:47 - 3:48instead of facing the fact that
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3:48 - 3:50the real "selfish truth",
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3:50 - 3:53is that she wants to do
what she wants to do. -
3:53 - 3:55And probably needs to let
herself go ahead and face -
3:55 - 3:58those types of things
she actually wants to do -
3:58 - 3:59and do them,
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3:59 - 4:01she's gonna make the child the issue.
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4:01 - 4:02"You're so selfish."
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4:02 - 4:05She's gonna say when the
child asks for something. -
4:05 - 4:07She's going to be constantly exasperated.
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4:07 - 4:10Tell the story that her life ended
when her daughters began. -
4:10 - 4:12She has made the problem the child
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4:12 - 4:14and projected her own sins, so to speak,
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4:14 - 4:16on to the child in order
to avoid the discomfort -
4:16 - 4:18of accepting that she
does not want a child -
4:18 - 4:20and she is selfish and that she
wants to do what she wants to do. -
4:20 - 4:23Not dedicate her life to
another person's care. -
4:23 - 4:25It is at this point that the child
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4:25 - 4:27has become a scapegoat.
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4:27 - 4:29Of course, it's difficult for a scapegoat
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4:29 - 4:30in any social group,
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4:30 - 4:32to really genuinely understand
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4:32 - 4:35they're not to blame and not at fault.
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4:35 - 4:38Why? Because it doesn't make
sense that if they're not at fault -
4:38 - 4:40why the hell are they
being treated this way? -
4:40 - 4:44What the scapegoat does
with this extreme confusion, -
4:44 - 4:46that they're trapped in their whole life,
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4:46 - 4:48of trying to figure out just what it is
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4:48 - 4:51that they did that was so bad
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4:51 - 4:52to deserve this treatment,
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4:52 - 4:54is that they will go on a lifelong mission
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4:54 - 4:57to try to figure out what's bad
about themselves and fix it -
4:57 - 5:00and yet nothing they
ever do will ever turn up -
5:00 - 5:02anything that they're actually able to fix
-
5:02 - 5:05so as to get the love they need
from the people around them. -
5:05 - 5:06Why? Because resolving things
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5:06 - 5:08was never the intention
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5:08 - 5:11of the family or social
group in the first place. -
5:11 - 5:12In other words,
-
5:12 - 5:15it was never a motive
of anyone in the group -
5:15 - 5:18for that person to not be the problem.
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5:18 - 5:21It served to them, for that
person to be the problem. -
5:21 - 5:23As long as that person was the problem,
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5:23 - 5:25they could avoid looking at themselves.
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5:25 - 5:27And that is the biggest Gaslight of all.
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5:27 - 5:30Basically, everyone's like:
"We really do want you to fix -
5:30 - 5:32the fact that you're
such a problem for us." -
5:32 - 5:34But that's a Gaslight because they don't.
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5:34 - 5:37what they want is to make
someone the problem, -
5:37 - 5:38so that they can avoid facing themselves.
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5:38 - 5:41The scapegoat can spend a lifetime
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5:41 - 5:44paying for sins they never committed.
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5:45 - 5:46Now,
-
5:46 - 5:49because we live in a universe
based on the law of mirroring, -
5:49 - 5:51(what some people call
the law of attraction), -
5:51 - 5:54there's this crappy little
thing that happens. -
5:55 - 5:56Now I understand,
-
5:56 - 5:59universally speaking this
is a brilliant design. -
5:59 - 6:02There's some debate about
that in consciousness itself, -
6:02 - 6:04however, for the sake of relating to you,
-
6:04 - 6:06I'm going to say, it's a
crappy little pattern. -
6:06 - 6:09Why? Because when you
have been scapegoated -
6:09 - 6:11and this is the basis of your life,
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6:11 - 6:13you will go on to be scapegoated,
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6:13 - 6:16again and again and again and again,
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6:16 - 6:18until you resolve the very things
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6:18 - 6:21that are keeping you stuck in the pattern.
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6:21 - 6:23And this is something
that I want to help you, -
6:23 - 6:25if you have experienced scapegoating,
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6:25 - 6:26with today.
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6:26 - 6:28Because actually the scapegoat
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6:28 - 6:30has patterns within themselves,
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6:30 - 6:32that are acting like super glue
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6:32 - 6:34fusing them to this behavior
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6:34 - 6:36of being scapegoated.
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6:36 - 6:40First I'm going to list
the top four things -
6:40 - 6:42that act like a super glue,
-
6:42 - 6:45attaching a scapegoat to the
pattern of being scapegoated. -
6:45 - 6:471. Accepting this role
-
6:47 - 6:50was literally the only way to
stay safe in the social group. -
6:50 - 6:52And so this is now your pattern
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6:52 - 6:55of fitting in and staying safe socially.
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6:55 - 6:572. Accepting responsibility,
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6:57 - 7:00made you not like the people who hurt you.
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7:00 - 7:023. You love people who take responsibility.
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7:02 - 7:04You find them safe,
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7:04 - 7:07and so you do not want to
entertain the idea of letting -
7:07 - 7:08any of that responsibility go.
-
7:08 - 7:12Plus you're only in control
if you take 100% of it. -
7:12 - 7:154. No one else in the social group
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7:15 - 7:16was taking any responsibility,
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7:16 - 7:19and so you were forced
to be the one to do it, -
7:19 - 7:20for all of them.
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7:20 - 7:21This is now a habit.
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7:21 - 7:24Let's address the first item of superglue.
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7:24 - 7:25Shall we?
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7:25 - 7:27You have a very clear option
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7:27 - 7:30when a social group turns
you into a scapegoat. -
7:30 - 7:31And that is,
-
7:31 - 7:33you either instantaneously conform
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7:33 - 7:35or you suffer the wrath
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7:35 - 7:37of being excluded,
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7:37 - 7:39of being made to be the problem,
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7:39 - 7:41and being treated and seen as the problem
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7:41 - 7:45(by the way, it comes with a
great many consequences socially). -
7:45 - 7:46Now here's the thing,
-
7:46 - 7:48there are a great many situations
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7:48 - 7:49where a person,
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7:49 - 7:51especially a child,
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7:51 - 7:53can't actually conform.
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7:53 - 7:56And even when you can conform,
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7:57 - 7:59you know, people aren't really idiots.
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8:00 - 8:03They understand that genuine conformity
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8:03 - 8:04is not actually love.
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8:04 - 8:06They understand that if they conform,
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8:06 - 8:09they have to get rid of
themselves to do it. -
8:09 - 8:11And so, the consequence,
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8:11 - 8:13as opposed to abandonment,
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8:13 - 8:15for people who actually
are able to conform -
8:15 - 8:17in a social group like this,
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8:17 - 8:18is the loss of self.
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8:18 - 8:20Basically in a social group,
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8:20 - 8:21you're not safe at all.
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8:21 - 8:24Because you have to exchange
one form of safety -
8:24 - 8:25for another form of safety
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8:25 - 8:28and you have to exchange
one form of unsafety -
8:28 - 8:30for another form of unsafety.
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8:30 - 8:33Either you're looking at losing
yourself, or being an outcast. -
8:33 - 8:35The role of the scapegoat
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8:35 - 8:37and the role of the golden child
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8:37 - 8:38in a family group
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8:38 - 8:40are both not safe.
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8:40 - 8:42They're just opposite forms of unsafety.
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8:42 - 8:44And so if you were in either role,
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8:44 - 8:47you carry seeds of fear of the opposite,
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8:47 - 8:49as well as the pain of what you chose.
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8:50 - 8:51But in any case,
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8:51 - 8:53accepting the role of the scapegoat
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8:53 - 8:55within the social group,
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8:55 - 8:58in fact made it so that you did not end up
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8:58 - 9:00completely and entirely alone.
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9:00 - 9:02Now, I need you to understand that
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9:02 - 9:05we are a completely relationally
dependent species. -
9:05 - 9:07If you put a baby out on a sidewalk
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9:07 - 9:10with no one to tend it, it is dead.
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9:10 - 9:12This means that we prioritize
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9:12 - 9:14closeness with a social group
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9:14 - 9:15over absolutely everything
-
9:15 - 9:19and aloneness is annihilation
to the human species. -
9:20 - 9:22So the way it works is this:
-
9:22 - 9:24When a social group
starts to scapegoat you -
9:24 - 9:25and you can't conform
-
9:25 - 9:27or don't conform in some way,
-
9:27 - 9:30then what happens is
a very specific pattern. -
9:30 - 9:33You have to first buy into the fact
-
9:33 - 9:34that you're the family problem
-
9:34 - 9:38and you have to adopt this
as your way of seeing yourself. -
9:38 - 9:39When you do this,
-
9:39 - 9:41you are no longer resisting
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9:41 - 9:42the way that this group sees you.
-
9:42 - 9:44You're no longer resisting
-
9:44 - 9:47the way they want to use
you within the group. -
9:47 - 9:50Therefore, they're gonna stop
resisting you in that way, -
9:50 - 9:51to a degree.
-
9:51 - 9:54In this atmosphere of non-resistance
-
9:54 - 9:57to the horrible identity that's
being projected on to you -
9:57 - 10:00and to all the things
you're being blamed for, -
10:01 - 10:03actually allows the people
in the social group -
10:03 - 10:05to switch up their game now
-
10:05 - 10:08and to avoid their unresolved
issues even further. -
10:08 - 10:11They do this by considering themselves,
-
10:11 - 10:12at this point,
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10:12 - 10:15the healer and the fixer of you.
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10:15 - 10:17At this point the scapegoat becomes
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10:17 - 10:20the identified patient
in the social group. -
10:20 - 10:23They use the idea of
themselves as a good person -
10:23 - 10:25for focusing on and
helping and fixing you, -
10:25 - 10:27to further avoid their own pain.
-
10:27 - 10:29The thing is, they're creating
the very pain in you -
10:29 - 10:31that they say is your personality defect
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10:31 - 10:33and flipping it, so as to heal it.
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10:33 - 10:36Now this is disgusting.
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10:36 - 10:38This social pattern is disgusting
-
10:38 - 10:39when you really get it.
-
10:39 - 10:41It is so dysfunctional
-
10:41 - 10:43and it is such an extreme
form of Gaslight. -
10:43 - 10:46The reason that I say
it's a Gaslight is this: -
10:46 - 10:48and by the way, those of you who
don't know what a Gaslight is, -
10:48 - 10:51it's basically to convince you
that what you see, you don't see, -
10:51 - 10:52what you hear, you don't hear,
-
10:52 - 10:54what you perceive is not reality.
-
10:54 - 10:56It is to mess with someone's
sense of reality. -
10:56 - 10:59Now, I may do an entire
episode on gas lighting -
10:59 - 11:01because it's so misunderstood.
-
11:01 - 11:02However, for the sake of this episode
-
11:02 - 11:05it's intensely gas lighting
because of this: -
11:05 - 11:08Imagine that I walked up
to you with a lead pipe, -
11:08 - 11:10and I knocked your feet
out from under you. -
11:10 - 11:13Now you're rolling around on
the ground and you're in pain -
11:13 - 11:16and it's at this point that I get
down on the floor next to you, -
11:16 - 11:17and the first thing I say is:
-
11:17 - 11:19"God you just have
so many problems, -
11:19 - 11:22I mean you understand when
you're always acting in pain like this -
11:22 - 11:25it's a problem, because
it takes all of the focus -
11:25 - 11:26off of the family,
-
11:26 - 11:28and I can't put my energy
-
11:28 - 11:29into the other siblings
-
11:29 - 11:31that I need to put my energy into,
-
11:31 - 11:35because you're taking so
much focus away from me?" -
11:35 - 11:36And when you continue to cry,
-
11:36 - 11:38I then wind up this.
-
11:38 - 11:40Not only did I just make
you the problem, -
11:40 - 11:42now, I'm gonna switch and escape
-
11:42 - 11:45my own unresolved issues even
further by becoming your fixer. -
11:45 - 11:47So now down on the ground
after I've said that; -
11:47 - 11:50"You know, I'm definitely here for you."
-
11:50 - 11:51"I see that you have problems."
-
11:51 - 11:54"I recognize that we can
definitely find a doctor -
11:54 - 11:58who can help you with the fact that
you're in so much pain all the time." -
11:58 - 12:00Yeah, that's a scary Gaslight.
-
12:01 - 12:03That is life for a scapegoat
in a family unit. -
12:03 - 12:05The vast majority of children
-
12:05 - 12:08who are brought to
psychologists and psychiatrists -
12:08 - 12:11are in fact family scapegoats
in this exact situation. -
12:11 - 12:13But the sad thing is that
playing into this pattern -
12:13 - 12:15by accepting themselves as the problem,
-
12:15 - 12:18saves the scapegoat from abandonment,
-
12:18 - 12:20annihilation and further wounding
-
12:20 - 12:22by the people in their lives.
-
12:22 - 12:26The problem is because of this
extreme form of gas lighting, -
12:26 - 12:27you learn to ignore the fact
-
12:27 - 12:29that people have punched
you onto the ground -
12:29 - 12:31in the first place, and instead,
-
12:31 - 12:34focus entirely on the safe feeling
-
12:34 - 12:37of them trying to heal and fix you.
-
12:37 - 12:40Your only frame of reference
-
12:40 - 12:41for closeness with other people
-
12:41 - 12:44is when they're trying to fix you now.
-
12:44 - 12:45That means,
-
12:45 - 12:48you are prone to getting into
relationship after relationship -
12:48 - 12:51with people who mess you up specifically
-
12:51 - 12:53so they can do this pattern with you.
-
12:53 - 12:55They screw you up so they can fix you up.
-
12:55 - 12:59And you actually feel more
loved and more safe in that. -
12:59 - 13:02Because at least even if they're the ones
-
13:02 - 13:05that knocked your knee out from
under you in the first place, -
13:05 - 13:08in the moment that
they're bandaging it up, -
13:08 - 13:10you're not getting hurt
-
13:10 - 13:11like you usually are.
-
13:12 - 13:13Okay, so you can get this,
-
13:13 - 13:16your frame of reference
for love and safety -
13:16 - 13:18is blaming yourself,
-
13:18 - 13:21seeing yourself as the problem
and having people fix you. -
13:21 - 13:24This is a pattern you repeat and repeat
-
13:24 - 13:27in order to get your emotional
and even physical needs met, -
13:27 - 13:30to feel close to people
and feel safe socially. -
13:30 - 13:32You pick people who do this to you.
-
13:32 - 13:34You do not end relationships
-
13:34 - 13:36with people who do this to you.
-
13:36 - 13:39To address the second item of superglue,
-
13:39 - 13:42you wouldn't really be the
scapegoat of your family -
13:42 - 13:45if the truth, even at a subconscious level
-
13:45 - 13:47wasn't that you actually do see
-
13:47 - 13:50the patterns that are occurring.
-
13:50 - 13:52In fact, in the previous scenario
-
13:52 - 13:54you're the kid who sees
-
13:54 - 13:56even if there's a part of you
-
13:56 - 13:58that wonders whether
you're bad or not, -
13:58 - 14:00that mom didn't actually want a kid.
-
14:01 - 14:04Basically, you know that
there is an extreme form -
14:04 - 14:06of deflection and projection going on.
-
14:06 - 14:08To understand more about
deflection and projection -
14:08 - 14:10watch my videos titled:
-
14:10 - 14:12Deflection
(The Coping Mechanism From Hell) -
14:12 - 14:16&, Projection (Understanding
the Psychology of Projection) -
14:16 - 14:18You see that them not
taking responsibility -
14:18 - 14:20for aspects of their lives,
-
14:20 - 14:23including unresolved issues
and their authentic truth, -
14:23 - 14:26has created all of this pain for you.
-
14:26 - 14:28You see that that has made them bad
-
14:28 - 14:31and as a result of your whole pattern,
-
14:31 - 14:33where you have spent your whole life
-
14:33 - 14:35desperately trying to figure
out how to be good, -
14:35 - 14:38because you've been put in this
category of bad and wrong -
14:38 - 14:40to such an extreme degree,
-
14:40 - 14:41this obsession you have
-
14:41 - 14:43with being good and being right,
-
14:43 - 14:45makes it so that you naturally
-
14:45 - 14:47swing the pendulum away
-
14:47 - 14:48from where they stand,
-
14:48 - 14:51if you see that what they have been doing
-
14:51 - 14:53in their pattern of lack of responsibility
-
14:53 - 14:54for these things,
-
14:54 - 14:56lack of ownership for them,
-
14:56 - 14:58has been creating so
much pain in the world, -
14:58 - 15:01you seek to be so incredibly good,
-
15:01 - 15:03and to restore your
own sense of goodness, -
15:03 - 15:06by being the exact opposite of them.
-
15:06 - 15:08Basically your wires get crossed.
-
15:08 - 15:10And now your only way of being good
-
15:10 - 15:11is to seek out how you're at fault
-
15:11 - 15:14and to take the blame
and blame yourself. -
15:14 - 15:15The problem is,
-
15:15 - 15:17in this universe based
on the law of mirroring, -
15:17 - 15:20yet again, that creates quite
the vibrational problem. -
15:20 - 15:21Doesn't it?
-
15:21 - 15:23Because if you are in the frequency
-
15:23 - 15:25of yourself always being to blame,
-
15:25 - 15:28that means other people
will always blame you. -
15:28 - 15:32Haven't you noticed this interesting
little quality about the universe? -
15:32 - 15:34That the people who do not act in fact,
-
15:34 - 15:36blame themselves,
-
15:36 - 15:39often don't get blamed by others.
-
15:40 - 15:42Yes, if you are a scapegoat
-
15:42 - 15:44there is gonna be nothing more triggering
-
15:44 - 15:46than those moments when
you're watching a movie -
15:46 - 15:49and someone is blamed for
something they didn't do, -
15:49 - 15:51convicted of a crime they didn't commit
-
15:51 - 15:53and can say nothing,
-
15:53 - 15:55because they're already condemned.
-
15:55 - 15:57Because this is your life, isn't it?
-
15:57 - 15:58You're gonna be scapegoated
-
15:58 - 16:01and blamed for things even
when you didn't do it. -
16:01 - 16:03And the pattern that's
actually creating this -
16:03 - 16:04on a vibrational level,
-
16:04 - 16:06is the pattern of blaming yourself,
-
16:06 - 16:09so as to stay virtuous.
-
16:09 - 16:11To address the third super glue,
-
16:11 - 16:14you have been so damaged
-
16:14 - 16:15by being blamed,
-
16:15 - 16:17especially wrongly blamed,
-
16:17 - 16:20that you have fallen in love
-
16:20 - 16:22with the opposite characteristic
-
16:22 - 16:25from the ones that the people
who originally hurt you have. -
16:25 - 16:27You have fallen in love
-
16:27 - 16:29with people who blame themselves.
-
16:29 - 16:32Fallen in love with people
who take responsibility. -
16:32 - 16:33Do you want to know why?
-
16:33 - 16:35Cuz it actually does keep you safe.
-
16:35 - 16:38It's safe when somebody
takes responsibility for things. -
16:39 - 16:41But this complete adoration you have
-
16:41 - 16:43for people taking responsibility
-
16:43 - 16:45and this glorification
of the trade itself, -
16:45 - 16:48has caused you to adopt the
trade hyper responsibility. -
16:48 - 16:50It has caused you to swing the pendulum
-
16:50 - 16:52completely to the far end of the scale,
-
16:52 - 16:55where you take blame for
everything and everything. -
16:55 - 16:58By taking 100% of the
responsibility of the blame, -
16:58 - 17:00you feel superior in that goodness
-
17:00 - 17:02and also feel in control and thus safe.
-
17:02 - 17:06If something is someone
else's responsibility or fault, -
17:06 - 17:09who's actually in control of repair
-
17:09 - 17:10in that situation?
-
17:10 - 17:13And you have learned over
the course of your life -
17:13 - 17:15not to trust anyone else
-
17:15 - 17:16with responsibility.
-
17:17 - 17:20Therefore in order to feel safe
and in control of your life, -
17:20 - 17:23you have to take 100 % of it.
-
17:24 - 17:25This is the very same pattern
-
17:25 - 17:27that keeps people locked in sexual abuse.
-
17:27 - 17:29Those of you who have worked or
-
17:29 - 17:31who know people who've
been sexually abused, -
17:31 - 17:34know that the hardest thing
to get a survivor passed -
17:34 - 17:35in the path of healing, is self blame.
-
17:35 - 17:38The reason is, is that blaming themselves,
-
17:38 - 17:40implies that they themselves
-
17:40 - 17:42had a hand in why something happened.
-
17:42 - 17:45Look at the terror of the reality,
-
17:45 - 17:46if they don't.
-
17:46 - 17:49If they had nothing to do
with why it happened, -
17:49 - 17:51then they were truly a victim.
-
17:51 - 17:54So taking 100% of the responsibility
-
17:54 - 17:57is the only way they
can stay not a victim. -
17:58 - 18:00To address the fourth issue;
-
18:01 - 18:02Being a scapegoat in a family,
-
18:02 - 18:04implies that the other family members
-
18:04 - 18:07don't take responsibility
for some aspect of life. -
18:07 - 18:09I mean you may have had
a hyper responsible parent -
18:09 - 18:11who was overworked but still
who turned you into the scapegoat -
18:11 - 18:13because they never took responsibility
-
18:13 - 18:14for their true desires,
-
18:14 - 18:16for their true thoughts, true needs,
-
18:16 - 18:18feelings
-
18:18 - 18:19whatever...
-
18:19 - 18:21Now obviously because these people
-
18:21 - 18:23don't take responsibility,
-
18:23 - 18:25they kind of defaulted to you didn't they?
-
18:25 - 18:27It didn't really matter
-
18:27 - 18:29whether you wanted to take
responsibility for it or not. -
18:29 - 18:31If no one else was going to,
-
18:31 - 18:32it was you or no one.
-
18:32 - 18:35This means you're conditioned
to automatically do it. -
18:35 - 18:38It's complete and total habit.
-
18:38 - 18:40You take responsibility
for what is and isn't -
18:40 - 18:43yours to take responsibility for,
-
18:43 - 18:44thinking that there's no other option.
-
18:45 - 18:47So take a look at your life,
-
18:47 - 18:49for what might be someone
else's responsibility -
18:49 - 18:51and ask yourself:
-
18:51 - 18:54"If I didn't take responsibility for ________
-
18:54 - 18:55what would happen?"
-
18:55 - 18:56For example,
-
18:56 - 18:59did you know that it's another
person's responsibility -
18:59 - 19:02when they feel that they
have some sort of a conflict -
19:02 - 19:03or a problem with you,
-
19:03 - 19:05to come to you directly
to try to resolve it? -
19:05 - 19:07That's actually their responsibility
-
19:07 - 19:09to initiate that resolve.
-
19:10 - 19:12Now ask yourself this question:
-
19:12 - 19:14"If I weren't the person to intuit
-
19:14 - 19:17the fact that that person
had an issue with me -
19:17 - 19:19and to be the one to
bring it up with them -
19:19 - 19:21so that I initiated the resolve,
-
19:21 - 19:22what would happen?
-
19:22 - 19:24Or wouldn't?
-
19:24 - 19:27This level of hyper responsibility,
-
19:27 - 19:29it's gonna kill you one day.
-
19:29 - 19:31It will literally incapacitate you
-
19:31 - 19:32and on top of that,
-
19:33 - 19:35it makes you an absolute magnet
-
19:35 - 19:39to people who do not want to
take any responsibility at all. -
19:39 - 19:41I find it helpful,
-
19:41 - 19:43in alignment with my teachings on love,
-
19:43 - 19:46to consider that all beings in existence,
-
19:46 - 19:48all people are part of myself
-
19:48 - 19:50and asked myself the question:
-
19:50 - 19:53"If this person were me,
-
19:53 - 19:54a part of me,
-
19:54 - 19:56would I want a part of me
-
19:56 - 19:58to be doing X, Y, Z?
-
19:58 - 20:01"Would I want them to be escaping from
-
20:01 - 20:04their own unresolved issues,
instead of facing them? -
20:04 - 20:06Would I want them to not be
-
20:06 - 20:07taking responsibility?"
-
20:07 - 20:09If the answer is yes,
-
20:09 - 20:11by all means go ahead and continue.
-
20:11 - 20:12But if the answer is no,
-
20:12 - 20:16then you can consider yourself
an enabler of dysfunction -
20:16 - 20:18and therefore not loving to them at all,
-
20:18 - 20:20by continuing this pattern.
-
20:21 - 20:23What does all this boil down to?
-
20:23 - 20:25You need to look at what is
-
20:25 - 20:27and isn't yours in any situation.
-
20:28 - 20:29What is keeping you from doing this,
-
20:29 - 20:32is that any time you look at
how something isn't your fault, -
20:32 - 20:34you feel like you're headed
straight towards -
20:34 - 20:35becoming like those
people you hate -
20:35 - 20:37because they hurt you so badly.
-
20:37 - 20:39You think you're the good guy
-
20:39 - 20:40for taking all the blame.
-
20:40 - 20:43You can only be good for taking
responsibility for what's yours. -
20:43 - 20:46Otherwise you've turned into an enabler.
-
20:46 - 20:49You enable people to be like
those people who hurt you. -
20:49 - 20:50You enable their dysfunction
-
20:50 - 20:52as well as pattern of
deflecting and projecting -
20:52 - 20:55and allow them to avoid the
unresolved issues and pain, -
20:55 - 20:58which means they will
continue to hurt themselves -
20:58 - 21:00and hurt other people.
-
21:00 - 21:02You've got to see that
those consequences -
21:02 - 21:06that in the beginning of your life
you were so incredibly afraid of. -
21:06 - 21:08Things like abandonment.
-
21:08 - 21:10Things like annihilation, even.
-
21:10 - 21:12They're so much better
-
21:12 - 21:16than a lifetime spent with other people
-
21:16 - 21:19smearing you with their
own poisoned blood. -
21:19 - 21:22It's so much better than
a life of the consequences -
21:22 - 21:24that you're gonna constantly get
-
21:24 - 21:25by being seen as the "bad guy"
-
21:25 - 21:27and the "wrong one".
-
21:27 - 21:30We've got to see now,
at this point in your life, -
21:30 - 21:33that the consequences that you
were so incredibly afraid of, -
21:33 - 21:36things like abandonment,
things like annihilation, -
21:36 - 21:39are in fact so much better
-
21:39 - 21:42Then the consequences you're gonna face
-
21:42 - 21:44of being constantly seen and treated
-
21:44 - 21:45as if you're bad and wrong.
-
21:45 - 21:48There are a lot of consequences...
-
21:48 - 21:50Torturous consequences,
-
21:50 - 21:53for being in that role in a social group.
-
21:53 - 21:56What this means is it isn't safe.
-
21:56 - 21:58It also isn't love.
-
21:58 - 22:00When someone's focusing at you constantly
-
22:00 - 22:02in terms of you being the
bad one and the wrong one -
22:02 - 22:05and then turning themselves
into the fixer of you, -
22:05 - 22:07you have thought that has been love.
-
22:07 - 22:09That is not love in any way shape or form.
-
22:09 - 22:12That is a person feeding off of you,
-
22:12 - 22:14for the sake of their own self concept.
-
22:14 - 22:16It is consumption.
-
22:16 - 22:17It's a form of parasitism,
-
22:17 - 22:21in order to avoid their own pain.
-
22:21 - 22:23This means as a scapegoat
-
22:23 - 22:25the hardest thing you will ever accept
-
22:25 - 22:27and the one you need to,
is that they don't love you. -
22:27 - 22:28They don't!
-
22:28 - 22:31They do not take you as
part of themselves at all. -
22:31 - 22:35Those are words that they are saying.
-
22:35 - 22:38In a universe based on
the law of mirroring, -
22:38 - 22:40if you blame yourself,
-
22:40 - 22:41you will be blamed.
-
22:42 - 22:46It's very important to get
yourself out of this pattern -
22:46 - 22:47of constantly blaming yourself,
-
22:47 - 22:50so you're not a match
to that, because yet again, -
22:50 - 22:52extreme consequences can happen
-
22:52 - 22:54as a result of being blamed.
-
22:54 - 22:57Especially being blamed
for things you didn't do. -
22:57 - 22:59You are blaming yourself
-
22:59 - 23:01to maintain a sense of goodness.
-
23:01 - 23:04So you're nothing like
those people who hurt you. -
23:04 - 23:08But you don't need to worry
about becoming like those people. -
23:08 - 23:10You are more than willing
to see what you did wrong -
23:10 - 23:13and to see that things
are negative about you. -
23:13 - 23:16You've been practicing
this bravery all your life. -
23:16 - 23:18What you do need to do
is to swing the pendulum -
23:18 - 23:20back towards what's healthy.
-
23:20 - 23:22It is inauthentic and not in reality
-
23:22 - 23:24to adhere to one extreme like that.
-
23:24 - 23:27The way to swing the pendulum
back towards healthy -
23:27 - 23:29is to own up to your own authentic truth.
-
23:29 - 23:32Owning up to reality and
be responsible for that. -
23:33 - 23:35People who scapegoat others
-
23:35 - 23:38are by definition not being authentic.
-
23:38 - 23:40They are not being authentic
-
23:40 - 23:42about their own personal desires,
-
23:42 - 23:44their own personal needs,
-
23:44 - 23:46their own personal feelings,
-
23:46 - 23:47their own personal thoughts,
-
23:47 - 23:49their own perspective.
-
23:50 - 23:52In that lack of authenticity,
-
23:52 - 23:55they're not able to actually
do anything to resolve it. -
23:55 - 23:56Are they?
-
23:56 - 23:58Therefore,
-
23:58 - 24:00they have to deflect and project.
-
24:01 - 24:04That means own your truth,
-
24:04 - 24:06to not be like them.
-
24:06 - 24:08Don't blame yourself,
-
24:08 - 24:10to not be like them.
-
24:10 - 24:12The time has come to
discern what is yours, -
24:12 - 24:14and what is someone else's.
-
24:15 - 24:16Being in relationships
-
24:16 - 24:19with people who take
responsibility themselves -
24:19 - 24:21will make you safe
-
24:21 - 24:23and will actually make it easier for you
-
24:23 - 24:25to see what is and isn't yours.
-
24:25 - 24:28When two people each
look at what's theirs, -
24:28 - 24:30this is a healthy relationship.
-
24:30 - 24:31This is a relationship
-
24:31 - 24:33where you can change things
-
24:33 - 24:34for the benefit of expansion.
-
24:34 - 24:37If you continue to blame
yourself in order to stay good, -
24:37 - 24:39you will be a magnet for people
-
24:39 - 24:41who love to get away
with blaming others, -
24:41 - 24:42and never look at themselves.
-
24:42 - 24:45If you suffer from this pattern
of being scapegoated, -
24:45 - 24:48the honest truth is I have far
too many videos to mention -
24:48 - 24:51that will help you to escape
this type of patterning -
24:51 - 24:52that is inherent within you,
-
24:52 - 24:55as a result of everything
you've experienced. -
24:55 - 24:57But I have compiled
a tiny little list here -
24:57 - 25:00of videos that I really suggest
-
25:00 - 25:02that you watch, like, today,
-
25:02 - 25:04if you have this issue with scapegoating.
-
25:04 - 25:08The Defective Doll
(Dysfunctional Relationships) -
25:08 - 25:12RESPONSIBILITY
(Why, When and How To Take It) -
25:12 - 25:14How To Call Bullshit On Denial
-
25:14 - 25:17How To Let Go of a Coping Mechanism
-
25:17 - 25:20The Hidden Truth About
Dysfunctional Relationships -
25:20 - 25:23The Victim Control Dynamic
-
25:23 - 25:26Why You Can't Feel Loved For Who You Are
-
25:26 - 25:29Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening
-
25:30 - 25:32Self Hate
(The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism) -
25:32 - 25:34As a recovering a scapegoat,
-
25:34 - 25:37you have got to ungaslight yourself.
-
25:37 - 25:39Everyone who's part of
a dysfunctional family -
25:39 - 25:42or social group dynamic has
to ungaslight themselves, -
25:42 - 25:44but especially you as a scapegoat.
-
25:44 - 25:47Your whole life has been
nothing but a Gaslight. -
25:47 - 25:49Therefore, make reality
-
25:49 - 25:51your absolute obsession.
-
25:51 - 25:53Nobody in that social group
is going to have the same -
25:53 - 25:55estimation of reality that you will.
-
25:55 - 25:58None of them are going
to validate your reality. -
25:58 - 26:00Validating your reality means
-
26:00 - 26:01facing the issues themselves.
-
26:01 - 26:04Now the big thing that
happens with scapegoats -
26:04 - 26:06that I see that bites them in the ass
-
26:06 - 26:09is that when they start to
recover their sense of reality, -
26:09 - 26:11"Hey, maybe I'm not the problem",
-
26:11 - 26:13they go straight back
to their family group, -
26:13 - 26:17assuming that if they just get
their family group to "get it", -
26:17 - 26:20that somehow it's all
going to improve itself. -
26:20 - 26:24You have got to have
realistic expectations -
26:24 - 26:26It doesn't matter in this universe
-
26:26 - 26:29if all people "can" change.
-
26:29 - 26:31Are they going to?
-
26:31 - 26:33The answer is not always
-
26:33 - 26:34and not usually actually.
-
26:34 - 26:37In a dysfunctional family group.
-
26:37 - 26:40Therefore, running back to them
-
26:40 - 26:42hoping that they are going
to change their ways -
26:42 - 26:44and see what you see,
-
26:44 - 26:46which is to see themselves
as dysfunctional, -
26:46 - 26:48is highly unlikely.
-
26:48 - 26:50I need you to understand
-
26:50 - 26:52what it is you're expecting
from other people -
26:52 - 26:53by doing this.
-
26:53 - 26:57Because what you're actually
expecting them to do -
26:57 - 26:59by accepting your reality,
-
26:59 - 27:01by accepting you as good, in fact,
-
27:01 - 27:04by accepting you did nothing wrong,
-
27:04 - 27:08is to actually face their dysfunction.
-
27:08 - 27:12Many scapegoats become the truth seekers
-
27:12 - 27:14and truth tellers on our planet.
-
27:14 - 27:16And that's perfect, you can own this role
-
27:16 - 27:18without expecting that your family
-
27:18 - 27:21is going to take it well.
-
27:21 - 27:24I'm going to give you a
really sad truth here; -
27:24 - 27:27For the most part, you can
expect people not to change. -
27:27 - 27:28And to be clear,
-
27:28 - 27:31this does not mean that
you should enable it -
27:31 - 27:33by playing into the dysfunction,
-
27:33 - 27:36any more than it means you should
expect that they will change. -
27:36 - 27:38Because of this complex trauma
-
27:38 - 27:41and anxiety that comes
out of being in this role -
27:41 - 27:42in the social group,
-
27:42 - 27:44especially if you were
in this role as a child, -
27:44 - 27:47I highly suggest that you pick
up a copy of my book titled: -
27:47 - 27:48The Completion Process
-
27:48 - 27:49Which will also help you
-
27:49 - 27:52to deal with the unresolved
issues that are a leftover -
27:52 - 27:56byproduct of this scapegoating
pattern within your own life. -
27:56 - 27:57If you watched my video titled:
-
27:57 - 28:00Fragmentation
(The Worldwide Disease), -
28:00 - 28:01what you will notice
-
28:01 - 28:04is that fragmentation is the
primary coping mechanism -
28:04 - 28:06within a physical human.
-
28:06 - 28:08Now one of the ways that you coped
-
28:08 - 28:09being a scapegoat,
-
28:09 - 28:13is to create two fragments
of your own consciousness. -
28:13 - 28:16One that's being constantly scapegoated
-
28:16 - 28:19and another that is the scapegoater
-
28:19 - 28:22So you have an internal part
-
28:22 - 28:23that is scapegoating you.
-
28:23 - 28:25And one of the most powerful things
-
28:25 - 28:28you can do to overcome this
pattern of scapegoating -
28:28 - 28:30is to resolve the rift
-
28:30 - 28:32between those two aspects of self.
-
28:32 - 28:35To integrate your internal scapegoat
-
28:35 - 28:38and your internal scapegoater.
-
28:39 - 28:40Another thing is that
-
28:40 - 28:42if you've been scapegoated,
-
28:42 - 28:44shame is the bedrock of the self-concept
-
28:44 - 28:47of someone who has been scapegoated.
-
28:47 - 28:51Shame is one of the most poorly
misunderstood things on the planet. -
28:51 - 28:53Most people
-
28:53 - 28:56see shame in a certain way
-
28:56 - 28:58and based off of the way they see it,
-
28:58 - 28:59the advice they give you around shame
-
28:59 - 29:02actually makes the shame worse.
-
29:02 - 29:05Shame is not something in and of itself
-
29:05 - 29:07that you can necessarily do away with,
-
29:07 - 29:08because it is in fact,
-
29:08 - 29:12a biological effective reaction.
-
29:13 - 29:16It happens whenever you're
pushing a part of yourself -
29:16 - 29:17away from yourself,
-
29:17 - 29:19in order to establish closeness
-
29:19 - 29:21with a social group.
-
29:21 - 29:23Now obviously, given the fact
-
29:23 - 29:25that you have so many
of these deep patterns -
29:25 - 29:27and this deep conditioning with shame,
-
29:27 - 29:30this is something that needs
a little bit more focus -
29:30 - 29:32than the average rhetoric.
-
29:32 - 29:33For this reason,
-
29:33 - 29:35even though every single chapter
-
29:35 - 29:38in the book that I wrote called:
The Anatomy of Loneliness -
29:38 - 29:41is going to apply to you
if you were a scapegoat, -
29:41 - 29:42I mean every word,
-
29:42 - 29:45there is an entire section of the book
-
29:45 - 29:48completely dedicated to shame
and overcoming shame. -
29:48 - 29:51So you can get that book,
The Anatomy of Loneliness -
29:51 - 29:52and flip to the section on shame
-
29:52 - 29:54and start doing work on that pattern
-
29:54 - 29:57to get yourself out of this
pattern of being scapegoated. -
29:57 - 30:00The bottom line is, the reality
of getting out of this pattern -
30:00 - 30:02of being scapegoated is
going to be a grief process. -
30:02 - 30:05And a grief process is going
to be even more difficult -
30:05 - 30:08if you're still holding on to the
fantasy of having better relationships -
30:08 - 30:09with abusive people
-
30:09 - 30:11if only they would just get it
-
30:11 - 30:12and get the dysfunction
-
30:12 - 30:14and see themselves clearly enough
-
30:14 - 30:17to see the issues that they have.
-
30:17 - 30:18That being said,
-
30:18 - 30:20I hope that seeing
-
30:20 - 30:21especially some of the superglue
-
30:21 - 30:25that is binding you specifically
to this pattern of being scapegoated -
30:25 - 30:28will help you to transcend this pattern.
-
30:28 - 30:30Have a good week.
-
30:48 - 30:54Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
www.tanyaduarte.com
- Title:
- How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated
- Description:
-
Are you the scapegoat in your social group? Were you considered the problem child growing up? Are you constantly blamed for family problems? Blame and Shame are the primary aspects of scapegoating. In this episode, Teal Swan explains that what most people don't see is how the scapegoat perpetuates the blame in order to stay safe in social situations.
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Teal Swan is a revolutionary for personal transformation and is one of The Most Spiritually Influential Living People in the world. As a renowned author, speaker and social media star, she travels the world teaching self-development and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
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Beginning Song:
Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel
www.sacreddream.comEnding Song: Our Game - YAIMA
https://open.spotify.com/album/2nHxgeDs6kcNAIkAcS0Pd7
www.yaimamusic.comHelp us caption & translate this video!
- Video Language:
- English
- Duration:
- 30:54
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated | ||
Tanya Duarte edited English subtitles for How To Stop Being A Scapegoat and Stop Being Scapegoated |