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← Pachelbel Rant

A comedian rants about how much it sucks to play Pachelbel's Canon in D on a cello. Recorded live at Penn State, this piece by comedian/musician Rob Paravonian has been a favorite on the Dr. Demento Show.

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Showing Revision 3 created 03/26/2019 by Jason McKenna.

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    00:02
    [laughs] [guitar playing]
    00:07
    I'm gonna leave you with this little story, it's about this piece of music
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    It's a very popular piece of music, I'm sure you all know it but I'll sing the melody right now
    00:15
    [singing] Ba, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da
    00:19
    Yeah, Pachelbel's Canon in D
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    It's a big hit in the classical world and I know this because I'm a geek
    00:24
    I know what you're thinking: "Rob, you can't be a geek, you play guitar, you're so cool!"
    00:30
    O.K., you weren't thinking that, but I was
    00:33
    Well, I haven't always been this cool because I haven't always played guitar. I started out on the cello.
    00:39
    Yeah... the cello is a wonderful, beautiful instrument. it's cool to be an adult that plays the cello.
    00:42
    Being a kid that played the cello sucked.
    00:45
    'Cause there's no way to be cool when your instrument is larger than you
    00:49
    When you walk to school with a cello you're like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti, man.
    00:53
    The bullies just smell you coming from a mile away
    00:57
    "Ooh, I don't know what that think is but I know I'm gonna break it."
    01:01
    But I put up with all of the abuse because I loved the music that we played.
    01:03
    I loved everything we played in orchestra...
    01:06
    except this.
    01:08
    I hate Pachelbel's Canon in D with a passion
    01:11
    I hate it so much because the cello part is the worst cello part
    01:14
    ever written in the history of cello parts
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    It's 8 quarter notes that we repeated over and over again, they are as follows:
    01:20
    D
    01:21
    A
    01:23
    B
    01:24
    F Sharp
    01:25
    G
    01:27
    D
    01:28
    G
    01:30
    A
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    And that's all we got to play.
    01:34
    We repeated those 8 notes 54 times.
    01:37
    I counted.
    01:39
    Because I had nothing else to do.
    01:42
    I would sit back and listen to the violins get lovely melodies
    01:44
    The violas would get lovely melodies
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    The second violins would get lovely melodies
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    which should just not happen
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    And the cello, we got stuck with 8 crappy, lousy, stinking notes.
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    And I began to wonder why. Why would Pachelbel do that to us? Such a beautiful instrument.
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    And my theory was he once dated a cellist
    02:00
    and she dissed him really bad
    02:02
    So for the rest of his life he came up with the worst cello parts he could ever think of
    02:06
    It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't hear him every day,
    02:08
    I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Rob, don't listen to classical radio anymore."
    02:11
    I... it doesn't matter.
    02:12
    Pachelbel's following me.
    02:14
    It sounds paranoid but he's following you too. You hear him every day.
    02:17
    I don't know, I went to my step-nephew-in-law's 8th grade graduation
    02:20
    and their graduation song was a song by Vitamin C. No,
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    [singing "Graduation (Friends Forever)" by Vitamin C] As we go on...
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    we'll remember... La, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
    02:31
    So on the drive home I turned on some classic rock, some Aerosmith
    02:34
    [singing Aerosmith's "Cryin'"] There was a time
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    when I was so broken hearted, La, da da da, da da da da da da
    02:43
    So I got home I thought I'd clear my mind with some folk music. No...
    02:45
    [singing "One Tin Soldier" by Coven] Listen children to my story, It was written long ago
    02:50
    A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
    02:53
    They do Pachelbel just like everybody does Pachelbel just to torment me!
    02:57
    I don't even go to Taco Bell anymore because it sounds too close.
    03:02
    I hate Pachelbel with a passion, I don't even know his first name.
    03:06
    It's probably Johann. They're all named Johann!
    03:09
    And when you think about it he's the original one hit wonder.
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    He had one hit 300 years ago it's my cross to bear my entire life.
    03:15
    Where are they now? That's what I want to know, where are you now, Pachelbel?
    03:18
    VH1's "I love the 1790s, where is it?"
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    And if he would just stay away from music that I love it would be better, but he won't
    03:26
    He is shameless. He will follow me to the ends of the earth.
    03:29
    I went to HORDE Festival thinking, "no, he couldn't possibly follow me to the HORDE Festival"
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    But you know who was at the HORDE Festival? Blues Traveler!
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    So that means that Pachelbel was also at the HORDE Festival!
    03:38
    [singing "The Hook" by Blues Traveler] Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, when you're Amber Lynn or Rin Tin Tin...
    03:40
    Make a desperate move and then you're in a-da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da
    03:45
    So I figure I'm gonna listen to punk rock for the rest of my life. No dice.
    03:48
    [Singing Green Day's "Basket Case"] Do you have the time
    03:50
    to listen to me whine?
    03:53
    A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da
    03:58
    You know I'm getting really bored
    04:01
    'Cause all songs have the same damn chords
    04:04
    Punk music is a joke
    04:06
    it's really just Baroque
    04:08
    Am I just paranoid, na na na
    04:10
    na na, na na, na na
    04:13
    I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will ("Push" by Matchbox 20 [not Saphire])
    04:18
    Whoa-ho, it's been good living with you ("Good" by Better Than Ezra)
    04:19
    In my machine head, is better than the rest My machine head, is better than the ("Machine Head" by Bush)
    04:23
    See the stone set in her eye, See the thorn twist in her ("With or Without You" by U2)
    04:27
    I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel, I am cold and I'm shamed, lying naked on the floor... ("Torn" by Natalie Imbru... whatever)
    04:31
    He was a boy, she was a girl, Could it be anymore obvious? ("Sk8r Boi" by Avril Lavigne)
    04:34
    We're not gonna take it, No, we ain't gonna take it! ("We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister)
    04:38
    On your mark, get set and go now Got a dream and we just know now (Theme from Laverne and Shirley, which was a popular sit-com in the 1970s)
    04:42
    No woman, cry-ee-i-ee-i ("No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley)
    04:46
    When I find myself in times of trouble Pachelbel's always follwing me (to the tune of "Let It Be" by the Beatles)
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    I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel!
    04:53
    Oh Pachelbel, Pachelbel, I'll see your a** in hell!
    04:57
    I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel!
    05:02
    Thank you so much, Penn State! [crowd cheering]
    05:06
    Enjoy the rest of the show! Thanks!
    05:11
    [Michael Showalter] Rob Paravonian!