WEBVTT 00:00:00.001 --> 00:00:02.831 [light piano music] 00:00:07.515 --> 00:00:09.817 You've probably heard the old adage, 00:00:09.817 --> 00:00:11.603 "Boys don't cry" 00:00:12.610 --> 00:00:14.747 That sentiment has been floating around 00:00:14.747 --> 00:00:16.970 in our culture for a very long time. 00:00:18.300 --> 00:00:20.399 It's a curious phrase though, isn't it? 00:00:21.478 --> 00:00:23.060 When we hear someone say 00:00:23.060 --> 00:00:24.398 "Boys don't cry", 00:00:24.398 --> 00:00:26.328 we know it isn't meant literally. 00:00:27.967 --> 00:00:30.069 That is, we know that boys, 00:00:30.069 --> 00:00:34.127 and by extension men, do, in fact, cry. 00:00:34.867 --> 00:00:36.357 We see it all the time. 00:00:37.095 --> 00:00:38.365 Both in real life - 00:00:38.740 --> 00:00:40.740 and at the movies. 00:00:40.800 --> 00:00:44.140 Even tough guy characters cry, occasionally. 00:00:45.734 --> 00:00:48.334 So, what does that phrase really mean? 00:00:48.931 --> 00:00:51.299 Well, "boys don't cry" is an assertion of 00:00:51.299 --> 00:00:54.188 a cultural ideal for manhood. 00:00:54.779 --> 00:00:57.963 Spencer: "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." 00:00:57.963 --> 00:01:00.246 What most people mean is closer to, 00:01:00.246 --> 00:01:02.149 "Boys aren't supposed to cry." 00:01:02.149 --> 00:01:06.254 Daniel Plainview: "Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense!" 00:01:06.732 --> 00:01:09.372 But even that isn't entirely accurate. 00:01:10.173 --> 00:01:13.693 Because there are a few situations where crying is permitted. 00:01:15.457 --> 00:01:19.647 Ron Swanson: "Crying, acceptable at funerals, and the Grand Canyon." 00:01:20.540 --> 00:01:23.170 So, the more accurate statement would be, 00:01:23.222 --> 00:01:28.747 "Boys aren't supposed to cry, except under a narrow set of circumstances." 00:01:29.545 --> 00:01:31.815 It doesn't really have the same ring to it. 00:01:32.008 --> 00:01:34.108 Romeo: (crying) "I defy you stars!" 00:01:36.639 --> 00:01:40.379 But it's that narrow set of circumstances that we're going to focus on 00:01:40.379 --> 00:01:41.729 in this video. 00:01:42.602 --> 00:01:47.278 Because those moments of vulnerability, however brief, can tell us a lot about 00:01:47.278 --> 00:01:51.438 the construction of masculinity. 00:01:54.710 --> 00:01:59.470 Now, I wanna be clear that the inclusion of a movie or a TV show in this video, 00:01:59.807 --> 00:02:04.087 does not necessarily equal criticism of it. 00:02:04.838 --> 00:02:09.258 In many of the examples we'll be looking at, the tears are entirely appropriate. 00:02:10.494 --> 00:02:12.664 Some of the scenes are incredibly powerful, 00:02:12.685 --> 00:02:15.745 and the actors' performances truly inspired. 00:02:16.344 --> 00:02:22.944 Roy: "Like... tears... in rain." 00:02:24.345 --> 00:02:28.035 As with most of my video essays, I'm primarily concerned with 00:02:28.065 --> 00:02:31.725 examining over-arching media patterns, 00:02:31.755 --> 00:02:36.505 and looking at how those patterns help shape social norms in our larger culture. 00:02:36.554 --> 00:02:37.834 Darcy: "Woah." 00:02:38.425 --> 00:02:40.175 Lloyd: "I feel like crying." 00:02:40.275 --> 00:02:44.485 Of course, all men aren't painted with the same cinematic brush. 00:02:44.755 --> 00:02:48.805 Chiron: "Shit, I cry so much sometimes, I feel like I'ma just turn into droplets." 00:02:49.193 --> 00:02:53.383 Since they haven't yet entered into manhood, boys and teenager are usually 00:02:53.432 --> 00:02:57.432 given more emotional leeway on screen. 00:02:59.107 --> 00:03:01.627 Earl: "It's enough to make a grown man cry - 00:03:01.627 --> 00:03:03.252 but not this man. 00:03:03.252 --> 00:03:05.272 Get back in there, tear." [pop] 00:03:05.745 --> 00:03:09.745 And because of hyper-masculine stereotypes about black and brown men, 00:03:09.745 --> 00:03:13.722 the allowable window for vulnerability can be even smaller 00:03:13.722 --> 00:03:15.809 than it is for white heroes. 00:03:16.528 --> 00:03:20.708 Eric: "Just sick of everyone treating me like shit." 00:03:20.708 --> 00:03:25.011 Gay men in media, meanwhile, tend to be represented as being 00:03:25.011 --> 00:03:29.381 more emotionally expressive than their straight counterparts 00:03:30.809 --> 00:03:32.439 Even though we all understand 00:03:32.439 --> 00:03:35.029 that men and boys do cry, 00:03:35.029 --> 00:03:37.872 there's still an unwritten rule that men 00:03:37.872 --> 00:03:41.202 are only allowed to openly and sincerely cry 00:03:41.542 --> 00:03:45.542 in a small handful of social situations. 00:03:46.392 --> 00:03:48.772 Think of it like an emotional window, 00:03:48.772 --> 00:03:51.982 wherein men can display a measure of vulnerability - 00:03:51.982 --> 00:03:55.982 without jeopardizing their manhood status. 00:03:57.280 --> 00:03:59.294 The more extreme the situation, 00:03:59.294 --> 00:04:02.114 the more unrestrained the crying can be. 00:04:05.034 --> 00:04:09.294 So for instance, if a male character begins to sob in a dramatic role, 00:04:09.294 --> 00:04:11.864 audiences have learned this means 00:04:11.864 --> 00:04:14.014 whatever is going on, it must be 00:04:14.014 --> 00:04:18.525 really, really unthinkably bad - 00:04:18.695 --> 00:04:21.996 like never-going-to-see-his-family-again bad, 00:04:21.996 --> 00:04:25.516 or just-killed-a-whole-bunch-of-people bad, 00:04:25.516 --> 00:04:27.016 Anakin: "I killed them." 00:04:27.016 --> 00:04:29.036 or did-cannibalism bad. 00:04:29.036 --> 00:04:31.466 Patrick: "I ate some of their brains." 00:04:31.466 --> 00:04:34.396 Curtis: "I know what people taste like." 00:04:34.396 --> 00:04:38.396 Frank: "Soylent Green is made out of people." 00:04:39.574 --> 00:04:42.084 Now, admittedly, Soylent Green is on the 00:04:42.084 --> 00:04:43.576 far end of the spectrum. 00:04:44.896 --> 00:04:47.266 The most common set of circumstances, 00:04:47.267 --> 00:04:48.987 where the crying window opens, 00:04:48.987 --> 00:04:50.167 involve death. 00:04:51.193 --> 00:04:53.597 Usually, the death of a loved one. 00:04:53.597 --> 00:04:56.507 Forrest: "And I miss you, Jenny." 00:04:56.789 --> 00:05:00.789 Especially if they have been victimized in some way. 00:05:01.661 --> 00:05:02.661 [sob] 00:05:02.951 --> 00:05:05.203 This can include tears relating to an 00:05:05.203 --> 00:05:06.268 impending death, 00:05:06.838 --> 00:05:09.171 or a breakdown immediately following 00:05:09.171 --> 00:05:10.813 a near-death experience. 00:05:13.005 --> 00:05:15.605 War, in particular, is often represented 00:05:15.605 --> 00:05:18.080 as a setting that provides access 00:05:18.080 --> 00:05:20.379 to those extreme situations, 00:05:20.338 --> 00:05:24.470 when it's socially permissible to be openly vulnerable with others - 00:05:26.644 --> 00:05:29.042 but at a tragic cost. 00:05:31.091 --> 00:05:33.132 It's also sometimes permissible 00:05:33.132 --> 00:05:36.943 for men to shed tears relating to personal failure. 00:05:36.943 --> 00:05:40.960 Alfred: "You trusted me... and I failed you." 00:05:41.936 --> 00:05:44.361 Though it has to be a great failure, 00:05:44.377 --> 00:05:47.043 like the failure to provide or protect. 00:05:47.633 --> 00:05:50.826 Occasionally, that can include the failure of a marriage - 00:05:50.826 --> 00:05:52.370 but more often it's the failure 00:05:52.370 --> 00:05:54.020 to stop a catastrophe. 00:05:57.752 --> 00:06:00.561 The crying window also opens briefly 00:06:00.561 --> 00:06:02.329 in another social arena. 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:06.399 Jimmy: "There's no crying - there's no crying in baseball!" 00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:07.570 [woman sobbing] 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:09.300 Tom Hanks is a funny man, 00:06:09.300 --> 00:06:10.893 but he is wrong in that scene - 00:06:11.209 --> 00:06:13.191 there IS crying in baseball 00:06:13.413 --> 00:06:15.204 And in other men's sports. 00:06:15.309 --> 00:06:18.565 Rocky: "This is the greatest night in the history of my life!" 00:06:20.275 --> 00:06:23.075 But notice it's only around particularly 00:06:23.075 --> 00:06:25.115 heightened moments of competition - 00:06:26.397 --> 00:06:28.419 like the final game of the season, 00:06:29.150 --> 00:06:31.188 or qualifying for the playoffs. 00:06:33.348 --> 00:06:35.731 These intense situations may be 00:06:35.731 --> 00:06:38.740 the only time all year where a grown man 00:06:38.740 --> 00:06:40.473 gets to cry in public 00:06:40.473 --> 00:06:42.757 and not be ridiculed for it. 00:06:44.727 --> 00:06:49.348 Data: "I am happy to see Spot - and I am crying." 00:06:49.929 --> 00:06:52.151 Tears of joy are probably the rarest 00:06:52.151 --> 00:06:54.652 acceptable type for men in media. 00:06:55.002 --> 00:06:56.581 These are restricted to 00:06:56.581 --> 00:06:58.719 post-traumatic reunions, 00:06:59.308 --> 00:07:01.530 recognition for a life's work, 00:07:02.078 --> 00:07:03.672 the birth of a child, 00:07:03.672 --> 00:07:06.679 or a father at his daughters wedding. 00:07:08.320 --> 00:07:10.567 Though, tellingly, very rarely 00:07:10.567 --> 00:07:11.821 at his own wedding - 00:07:11.821 --> 00:07:13.526 or the wedding of a son. 00:07:13.792 --> 00:07:16.962 [man sobbing] 00:07:17.072 --> 00:07:19.357 There are a few other fringe cases where 00:07:19.357 --> 00:07:20.923 the crying window opens. 00:07:21.151 --> 00:07:24.594 But notice that all of these situations are rare. 00:07:24.826 --> 00:07:26.152 Simon: "Hey, stop crying" - 00:07:26.152 --> 00:07:27.983 Dad: "I'm trying, (rushed) I'm trying" 00:07:27.983 --> 00:07:30.471 So rare that they may only come around 00:07:30.473 --> 00:07:32.971 a few times in a man's entire life. 00:07:35.116 --> 00:07:37.320 On average we do see men crying 00:07:37.320 --> 00:07:39.710 slightly more often in dramas 00:07:39.710 --> 00:07:40.905 or romance stories. 00:07:41.059 --> 00:07:42.333 [thuds] 00:07:43.587 --> 00:07:45.219 But in order for men to cry 00:07:45.219 --> 00:07:46.847 in action-driven media, 00:07:46.847 --> 00:07:49.413 an almost supernatural level of trauma 00:07:49.413 --> 00:07:51.132 is usually required. 00:07:53.321 --> 00:07:56.128 Even when it's a tragic or miraculous event 00:07:56.128 --> 00:07:58.298 the flow of tears can still be 00:07:58.298 --> 00:08:00.802 noticeably constrained for male characters. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:02.267 --> 00:08:04.814 We're all familiar with the single tear cliche. 00:08:06.724 --> 00:08:11.573 One solitary drop of emotion is allowed to fall down a man's cheek, 00:08:11.760 --> 00:08:16.713 to let the audience know that he harbors deep inner feelings - 00:08:17.921 --> 00:08:21.100 feelings that will likely remain unspoken. 00:08:24.135 --> 00:08:26.922 But often we don't even get the single tear - 00:08:27.202 --> 00:08:30.011 we just see damp, wet eyes 00:08:30.651 --> 00:08:32.981 and the tears aren't allowed to escape. 00:08:35.820 --> 00:08:38.366 On many occasions, while making this video, 00:08:38.503 --> 00:08:40.988 I found myself having to pause 00:08:41.861 --> 00:08:44.107 and zoom in on a still frame 00:08:44.107 --> 00:08:46.243 to try to figure out if the guy was 00:08:46.243 --> 00:08:48.650 really shedding tears or not. 00:08:49.961 --> 00:08:52.701 Ronny: "Are you crying? - Zip: "No." 00:08:54.690 --> 00:08:56.741 The reason why we're spending so much time 00:08:56.741 --> 00:08:58.538 talking about men's vulnerability 00:08:58.645 --> 00:09:01.236 is because tears are healthy - 00:09:01.548 --> 00:09:04.450 both physiologically and emotionally. 00:09:06.385 --> 00:09:09.545 On a biological level, crying releases stress 00:09:09.715 --> 00:09:11.594 and helps reduce anxiety. 00:09:12.514 --> 00:09:15.067 On a social level, the ability to cry and 00:09:15.067 --> 00:09:17.060 be openly vulnerable in front of others, 00:09:17.060 --> 00:09:20.750 is critical for human connection and relationship building. 00:09:21.334 --> 00:09:25.724 Jerry: "You ... complete me." 00:09:26.614 --> 00:09:29.037 It's difficult to built and maintain 00:09:29.037 --> 00:09:31.324 emotionally supportive friendships without it. 00:09:31.604 --> 00:09:34.244 Rebbeca: "There we go... there we go." 00:09:34.474 --> 00:09:36.797 Ted: "I promise you there is something 00:09:36.797 --> 00:09:38.643 worse out there than being sad, 00:09:38.643 --> 00:09:40.986 and that is being alone and being sad." 00:09:42.438 --> 00:09:44.193 With that in mind, it's instructive 00:09:44.193 --> 00:09:46.117 to consider the wide array 00:09:46.117 --> 00:09:48.795 of social situations that fall outside 00:09:48.795 --> 00:09:51.211 of the permissible crying window. 00:09:51.536 --> 00:09:54.282 Leonard: "So it's cool if I cry a little?" [laugh track] - 00:09:54.859 --> 00:09:56.768 Penny: "Yeah, I probably wouldn't." 00:09:57.533 --> 00:10:00.404 Men may fear losing masculinity points - 00:10:00.404 --> 00:10:02.357 John: "You're not gonna cry, are you?" - 00:10:02.433 --> 00:10:05.630 if they are seen crying due to things like pain - 00:10:05.630 --> 00:10:07.049 Jack: "No, I'm fine" - 00:10:07.055 --> 00:10:11.055 fear, heartbreak, pressure at work, 00:10:11.055 --> 00:10:13.519 experiencing depression or anxiety, 00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:16.197 embarrassment or hurt feelings. 00:10:16.197 --> 00:10:18.335 George: "As a man, you are crying right now." 00:10:18.335 --> 00:10:19.549 Ira: "I'm not crying." 00:10:19.549 --> 00:10:21.861 George: "People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira, 00:10:21.861 --> 00:10:23.620 stop doing what you're doing." 00:10:24.498 --> 00:10:26.471 Crying is also frowned upon for men 00:10:26.471 --> 00:10:28.068 when doing things like 00:10:28.068 --> 00:10:29.505 watching a sappy movie 00:10:29.505 --> 00:10:31.983 or witnessing a beautiful sunset 00:10:31.983 --> 00:10:34.675 or even connecting on an intimate level. 00:10:35.018 --> 00:10:36.378 Rachel: "Are you crying?" - 00:10:36.378 --> 00:10:40.078 Peter: "I'm so sorry that I'm being so weird now." 00:10:40.078 --> 00:10:41.820 Notice that all of these life events 00:10:41.820 --> 00:10:43.611 are relatively common. 00:10:43.682 --> 00:10:45.002 They're the kind of things 00:10:45.002 --> 00:10:46.606 that are likely to happen to men 00:10:46.606 --> 00:10:48.256 in their everyday lives. 00:10:50.127 --> 00:10:51.706 If we do see men crying 00:10:51.706 --> 00:10:54.923 for one of those everyday reasons in dramatic media, 00:10:54.923 --> 00:10:58.270 it feels so remarkable, that we sit up and take notice. 00:10:59.004 --> 00:11:01.489 Stan: "Check the, uh, check the connections please." 00:11:01.805 --> 00:11:03.208 Like all social constructs, 00:11:03.208 --> 00:11:05.580 the rules governing the crying window 00:11:05.580 --> 00:11:07.511 can be bent from time to time. 00:11:09.181 --> 00:11:11.008 But if the rules are broken, 00:11:11.008 --> 00:11:12.977 the guy runs the risk of becoming 00:11:12.977 --> 00:11:15.253 the objects of ridicule amongst his peers 00:11:15.893 --> 00:11:17.711 or worse being turned into 00:11:17.711 --> 00:11:19.639 a meme on the internet. 00:11:22.274 --> 00:11:24.274 As should be evident by some of the clips 00:11:24.274 --> 00:11:25.694 we've just been looking at, 00:11:25.694 --> 00:11:27.847 when men are depicted getting emotional 00:11:27.847 --> 00:11:29.995 outside of the permissible window, 00:11:29.995 --> 00:11:31.814 their tears are routinely 00:11:31.793 --> 00:11:33.053 played for comedy. 00:11:33.053 --> 00:11:36.038 Ron: "I'm in a glass case of emotion" 00:11:36.374 --> 00:11:38.684 This is the space Will Ferrell, 00:11:38.684 --> 00:11:41.221 Adam Sandler and other comedic actors 00:11:41.221 --> 00:11:43.947 build their pathetic male characters in. 00:11:43.947 --> 00:11:48.851 Henry: "Why would you do this to me, you sick bastard?" 00:11:48.851 --> 00:11:50.172 [Alan wailing] 00:11:50.172 --> 00:11:52.633 It's a world where men who cry too long, 00:11:52.633 --> 00:11:56.633 too intensely or at inconvenient times 00:11:56.633 --> 00:11:59.028 are mocked - mercilessly. 00:11:59.373 --> 00:12:01.582 Dylan: "I thought big people weren't supposed to cry?" 00:12:01.582 --> 00:12:04.542 Megan: "I think it's sweet that he's crying like a little bitch." 00:12:04.542 --> 00:12:05.495 Sara: "Megan!" 00:12:05.716 --> 00:12:07.846 Comedy that makes fun of men for crying 00:12:07.846 --> 00:12:11.036 consistently frames outbursts of emotion 00:12:11.036 --> 00:12:14.839 or vulnerability as pathetic, weak - 00:12:14.839 --> 00:12:17.108 Raj: "Oh my god, I'm crying already." - 00:12:17.149 --> 00:12:19.649 and decidedly unmanly. 00:12:19.779 --> 00:12:23.181 Woman: "Why don't you just put on a dress and weep like a little girl?" 00:12:23.681 --> 00:12:26.228 The association of tears with femininity 00:12:26.228 --> 00:12:28.381 is explicitly illustrated in the 00:12:28.381 --> 00:12:30.861 countless jokes deriding men for 00:12:30.861 --> 00:12:32.257 crying like a little girl. 00:12:32.347 --> 00:12:34.693 [laugh track] Monica: "Still crying?" 00:12:34.693 --> 00:12:36.580 Rachel: "Like a little girl." 00:12:37.138 --> 00:12:39.869 Skinner: "Right now superintendent Chalmers is at home 00:12:39.869 --> 00:12:43.368 crying like a little girl." [laughing] 00:12:43.397 --> 00:12:44.954 Jeremy: "Stop crying like a little girl." - 00:12:44.954 --> 00:12:46.665 John: "I wasn't crying like a little girl." 00:12:46.665 --> 00:12:48.257 The insult is used to police 00:12:48.257 --> 00:12:50.051 men's expression of emotion 00:12:50.051 --> 00:12:53.201 while also reinforcing the sexist idea 00:12:53.201 --> 00:12:55.686 that women are somehow overly emotional 00:12:55.686 --> 00:12:57.141 or lack self-control. 00:12:58.660 --> 00:13:01.631 David: "You know women. They get real emotional." 00:13:01.892 --> 00:13:03.855 Ian: "Yeah, David, you seem emotional." 00:13:04.525 --> 00:13:06.640 David: "Yeah, I'm kinda having a hard time." 00:13:07.113 --> 00:13:08.439 Even though crying is a 00:13:08.439 --> 00:13:11.225 basic human response for everyone, 00:13:11.225 --> 00:13:14.405 regardless of their gender, it has come to 00:13:14.405 --> 00:13:16.942 be thought of as a gendered phenomenon. 00:13:17.295 --> 00:13:21.295 Paul: "I cried for 45 minutes. You slap a pair of tits on me, I'm a woman. 00:13:21.368 --> 00:13:23.318 Vito: "You can act like a man, 00:13:23.318 --> 00:13:24.729 what's the matter with you?" 00:13:25.358 --> 00:13:27.279 Charlotte: "Oh, you can cry, it's okay." 00:13:27.279 --> 00:13:30.683 Emerson: "It is not okay for a grown-ass man to weep in public 00:13:30.683 --> 00:13:33.350 with a bunch of happy families enjoying pie." 00:13:33.540 --> 00:13:35.451 This is why the social pressure for men 00:13:35.451 --> 00:13:40.009 to put on a brave face and not cry in the presence of others is enormous. 00:13:40.009 --> 00:13:44.133 Emerson: "If you can't hold it, you take your ass to the men's room 00:13:44.133 --> 00:13:47.797 and cry in private on the toilet, like a man!" 00:13:49.964 --> 00:13:51.871 As therapist Terrance Real has noted, 00:13:51.871 --> 00:14:01.404 [quote on screen] 00:14:03.817 --> 00:14:05.880 If men do get emotional in media, 00:14:05.880 --> 00:14:08.210 notice where and when they do it. 00:14:11.132 --> 00:14:15.132 Most of the time, vulnerable moments only happen in private. 00:14:17.662 --> 00:14:20.157 It's a classic bit of cinematic sleight of hand, 00:14:20.528 --> 00:14:25.119 because we, as the audience, get to see protagonists experiencing moments 00:14:25.119 --> 00:14:26.887 of true vulnerability. 00:14:28.015 --> 00:14:31.659 But they rarely share those feelings with other characters. 00:14:35.324 --> 00:14:37.248 Since the expression of vulnerability 00:14:37.248 --> 00:14:39.737 is so strongly coded feminine, in our culture 00:14:39.737 --> 00:14:41.875 stories often have women acting as 00:14:41.875 --> 00:14:43.606 conduits for men's feelings. 00:14:45.026 --> 00:14:47.964 The emotional labor of caring for men's pain 00:14:47.964 --> 00:14:50.902 typically falls on the women in their lives. 00:14:52.173 --> 00:14:56.173 And, more often than not, that support only goes one way. 00:14:58.226 --> 00:15:00.539 One of the consequences of living in a culture, 00:15:00.539 --> 00:15:02.948 where men are taught to low the vulnerability, 00:15:02.948 --> 00:15:04.790 is that they don't want to be around 00:15:04.790 --> 00:15:06.855 other people who are crying. 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:08.771 Jerry: "What are you doing, you're crying?" - 00:15:08.771 --> 00:15:09.718 George: "No!" 00:15:10.138 --> 00:15:11.839 Jerry: "Just get yourself together. 00:15:11.839 --> 00:15:14.331 I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore after this display." 00:15:14.331 --> 00:15:15.471 George: "Oh, shut up!" 00:15:15.591 --> 00:15:17.731 Men may be unwilling to take care of 00:15:17.731 --> 00:15:20.636 or provide emotional support to those who are shedding tears - 00:15:20.636 --> 00:15:21.822 Oscar: "There, there" - 00:15:21.822 --> 00:15:24.713 because that close proximity to vulnerability 00:15:24.713 --> 00:15:27.666 undermines their own sense of masculinity. 00:15:29.880 --> 00:15:32.774 When in the vicinity of another man who's crying - 00:15:32.774 --> 00:15:36.551 Vic: "Oh come on, you need a tissue? A teddy bear? 00:15:36.551 --> 00:15:39.120 You got a blankie in the trunk, you want me to grab?" 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:41.347 They might pat their friend on the back - 00:15:41.347 --> 00:15:43.871 Tony: "Hey, let's stop hugging." - 00:15:43.871 --> 00:15:47.267 or give a quick hug before reestablishing distance. 00:15:47.267 --> 00:15:50.037 Cliff: "Woah, woah, hey" 00:15:50.037 --> 00:15:51.849 Rick: "I'm sorry about that... sorry about that" 00:15:51.849 --> 00:15:55.384 Cliff: "Here put these on. Don't cry in front of Mexicans. 00:15:55.704 --> 00:15:58.113 In fact, if caught shedding tears, 00:15:58.113 --> 00:16:00.668 male characters will frequently deny it 00:16:00.668 --> 00:16:01.921 Schmidt: "Are you crying?" 00:16:01.921 --> 00:16:03.194 Nick: "I'm not crying." 00:16:03.194 --> 00:16:04.909 and pretend everything is fine. 00:16:04.968 --> 00:16:06.209 Ken: "Are you crying?" 00:16:06.209 --> 00:16:07.067 David: "What's that?" 00:16:07.067 --> 00:16:08.051 Ken: "Are you crying?" 00:16:08.051 --> 00:16:10.788 David: "Am I crying? No, I'm not crying. You're crying!" 00:16:10.938 --> 00:16:12.398 Raj: "Are you crying?" 00:16:12.398 --> 00:16:14.083 Howard: "No, I have allergies." 00:16:14.286 --> 00:16:15.346 Rusty: "You okay?" 00:16:15.346 --> 00:16:17.826 Daniel: "Yeah, no, I just bit into a pepper." [sniff] 00:16:18.188 --> 00:16:19.464 Jules: "Are you crying?" 00:16:19.464 --> 00:16:22.091 Seth: "No I just have something in both my eyes." 00:16:22.091 --> 00:16:25.811 Variations on the classic quip "I just have something in my eye." 00:16:25.811 --> 00:16:27.766 are written to communicate to viewers 00:16:27.766 --> 00:16:30.456 that the character does indeed have feelings 00:16:30.456 --> 00:16:33.456 Davis: "No, no! No, No, No, it's not funny and I wasn't crying. 00:16:33.456 --> 00:16:36.405 I wasn't crying, okay? There's a lot of debris around here." 00:16:36.405 --> 00:16:37.677 Michaelangelo: "Are you crying?" 00:16:37.677 --> 00:16:40.750 while also giving him a measure of plausible deniability 00:16:40.815 --> 00:16:43.956 Raphael: "No Ding-Dong, just a little dusty out here." 00:16:45.206 --> 00:16:48.456 Popular media frequently reinforces the belief 00:16:48.456 --> 00:16:49.415 Patton: "Shut up!" 00:16:49.415 --> 00:16:51.566 that men need to hide their feelings. 00:16:52.310 --> 00:16:54.781 Patton: "Won't have a yellow bastard sitting here, crying, 00:16:54.781 --> 00:16:56.951 in front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle!" 00:16:58.351 --> 00:17:01.071 In the fantastic stories Hollywood tells, 00:17:01.071 --> 00:17:05.732 feeling and action are often presented as opposites - 00:17:07.100 --> 00:17:10.391 Private Hudson: "This can't be happening, man, this isn't happening." 00:17:10.391 --> 00:17:12.533 as if one precludes the other. 00:17:13.071 --> 00:17:14.651 Rocket: "Are you crying?" 00:17:14.651 --> 00:17:17.430 Thor: "No... 00:17:17.430 --> 00:17:20.209 yes. I feel like I'm losing it." 00:17:20.209 --> 00:17:21.525 Rocket: "Get it together!" 00:17:22.144 --> 00:17:24.254 Movies tell us over and over again 00:17:24.254 --> 00:17:27.373 that if men allow themselves to feel vulnerable 00:17:27.373 --> 00:17:31.283 they will be rendered useless. 00:17:31.283 --> 00:17:35.283 Not only will their emotions paralyze basic motor functions, 00:17:35.473 --> 00:17:37.333 [Troy groans] 00:17:37.671 --> 00:17:40.121 but the whole world may fall apart around them. 00:17:40.701 --> 00:17:43.671 Kirk: "Snap out of it. Start acting like men!" 00:17:44.114 --> 00:17:45.824 It's not true, of course. 00:17:47.735 --> 00:17:50.105 Crying does not preclude action. 00:17:50.105 --> 00:17:51.475 [dramatic music] 00:17:54.059 --> 00:17:58.764 But the myth that vulnerability is synonymous with a complete loss of control 00:17:58.764 --> 00:18:00.364 [lion wailing] 00:18:00.364 --> 00:18:02.974 and therefore incompatible with power 00:18:02.974 --> 00:18:05.114 is so corrosive and so strong 00:18:05.114 --> 00:18:06.474 [slap] 00:18:06.474 --> 00:18:08.734 that many men have come to believe 00:18:08.734 --> 00:18:13.874 they must kill their emotional sides in order to be useful members of society. 00:18:14.761 --> 00:18:18.761 Montrose: "I cut out all the soft parts of myself." 00:18:18.761 --> 00:18:21.251 (Montrose) Just to be a man." 00:18:21.715 --> 00:18:25.715 Emotional disconnection has other even more harmful consequences. 00:18:27.026 --> 00:18:31.026 Jimmy: "And it's really starting to piss me off Dave because I can't even cry 00:18:31.026 --> 00:18:35.026 for her. My own little daughter and I can't even cry for her." 00:18:35.712 --> 00:18:38.842 The process of working through hurt or loss 00:18:38.842 --> 00:18:40.842 can be slow and painful, 00:18:40.842 --> 00:18:44.912 but it's also necessary for emotional healing. 00:18:46.684 --> 00:18:50.260 And yet when we do see men breaking down on screen 00:18:50.260 --> 00:18:52.090 the moment passes quickly. 00:18:53.678 --> 00:18:56.478 That's because the permissible crying window 00:18:56.478 --> 00:19:00.478 only remains opens for a short time. 00:19:01.432 --> 00:19:04.979 Even when finding the dead bodies of his family, 00:19:04.979 --> 00:19:08.979 the tears come and go in the space of one or two minutes. 00:19:10.700 --> 00:19:13.440 This means we very rarely see male characters 00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:16.190 who are given the time to properly mourn. 00:19:16.600 --> 00:19:19.640 Jed: "Don't cry! Hold it back. 00:19:23.320 --> 00:19:25.550 Let it turn to something else" 00:19:25.550 --> 00:19:27.810 [crying] 00:19:27.810 --> 00:19:31.587 (Jed) Just let it turn to something else, okay? 00:19:35.261 --> 00:19:37.541 In fact, in countless pieces of media 00:19:37.541 --> 00:19:41.911 men's tears essentially function as a bridge to violence. 00:19:43.400 --> 00:19:44.100 [shot] 00:19:45.675 --> 00:19:47.718 Sometimes the transformation 00:19:47.718 --> 00:19:51.368 from profound grief to extreme aggression 00:19:51.368 --> 00:19:54.278 even happens within the same scene. 00:19:56.577 --> 00:20:00.557 Far too often in media we don't see men getting sad, 00:20:01.675 --> 00:20:03.725 we see them getting mad 00:20:03.725 --> 00:20:05.291 and then getting even. 00:20:05.291 --> 00:20:06.361 [shots fired] 00:20:06.879 --> 00:20:09.189 Narrator: "He goes wild - blood drunk." 00:20:09.762 --> 00:20:10.862 [shots fired] 00:20:12.850 --> 00:20:14.648 In this way violent retribution 00:20:15.005 --> 00:20:17.615 is presented as a replacement 00:20:17.615 --> 00:20:19.875 for the normal grieving process. 00:20:21.293 --> 00:20:23.303 This pattern then encourages men 00:20:23.303 --> 00:20:25.953 to channel all of their feelings into aggression 00:20:26.469 --> 00:20:28.567 [screaming] 00:20:28.567 --> 00:20:31.179 and to use that aggression to express themselves 00:20:31.179 --> 00:20:33.679 in nearly all situations. 00:20:33.679 --> 00:20:36.859 [screaming] 00:20:36.859 --> 00:20:40.859 Now anger isn't necessarily a destructive emotion. 00:20:40.859 --> 00:20:43.015 When directed in constructive ways, 00:20:43.015 --> 00:20:46.206 it can be an appropriate response to injustice. 00:20:47.303 --> 00:20:49.693 The problem is that since aggressive outbursts 00:20:49.693 --> 00:20:52.933 are in many ways the opposite of vulnerability. 00:20:54.185 --> 00:20:57.675 Rage and anger are almost universally seen 00:20:57.675 --> 00:20:59.988 as signs of strength for men. 00:21:01.015 --> 00:21:05.015 Whereas prolonged grief or sadness is seen as weakness. 00:21:06.423 --> 00:21:09.653 Or worse as a sign of instability. 00:21:10.375 --> 00:21:12.231 This helps explain why filmmakers 00:21:12.231 --> 00:21:14.535 will so often use men's tears 00:21:14.535 --> 00:21:18.805 as audio-visual shorthand for a descend into madness. 00:21:20.918 --> 00:21:22.528 Or a descend into evil 00:21:23.182 --> 00:21:24.002 Or both. 00:21:28.614 --> 00:21:33.384 In his book "Cracking the Armour - Power, Pain and the Lives of Men" 00:21:33.384 --> 00:21:35.491 Micheal Kaufmann observes that 00:21:35.491 --> 00:22:05.801 [quote on screen] 00:22:07.434 --> 00:22:10.414 It's illuminating to consider just how often 00:22:10.414 --> 00:22:14.514 men's emotional pain is translated as self-destruction, 00:22:14.514 --> 00:22:16.494 in Hollywood narratives. 00:22:16.494 --> 00:22:20.494 Howard: "I'm so sad, I’m so fucked up." 00:22:20.494 --> 00:22:23.414 [screaming] 00:22:25.654 --> 00:22:28.134 Just like violence directed outward, 00:22:28.134 --> 00:22:31.309 violence directed inward is often portrayed 00:22:31.309 --> 00:22:34.667 as an intrinsic, almost inevitable manifestation 00:22:34.667 --> 00:22:36.807 of men's emotional pain. 00:22:37.829 --> 00:22:39.209 Riggan: "Bang." 00:22:39.209 --> 00:22:41.189 Rather than being critiques of 00:22:41.189 --> 00:22:44.179 disconnected or violent masculinity 00:22:44.179 --> 00:22:46.659 these depictions end up glamorizing 00:22:46.659 --> 00:22:48.489 or at least mythologizing 00:22:48.489 --> 00:22:51.949 and poetizing male characters 00:22:51.949 --> 00:22:55.459 who almost never figure out how to deal with their feelings 00:22:55.459 --> 00:22:57.169 in a healthy way. 00:22:58.784 --> 00:23:03.345 So instead we are treated to images of men destroying themselves 00:23:03.345 --> 00:23:06.845 in lovingly realized, cinematic spectacles. 00:23:09.263 --> 00:23:10.723 In her amazing book 00:23:10.723 --> 00:23:11.973 "The Will to Change" 00:23:11.973 --> 00:23:14.183 bell hooks notes popular culture 00:23:14.183 --> 00:23:19.593 very rarely presents us with alternative emotional paths for male characters. 00:23:20.971 --> 00:23:34.102 [quote on screen] 00:23:35.876 --> 00:23:39.486 Indeed, stories in which men break the pattern 00:23:39.486 --> 00:23:42.516 and successfully work trough emotional pain 00:23:42.516 --> 00:23:44.524 in transformative ways, 00:23:44.524 --> 00:23:46.515 are few and far between. 00:23:46.515 --> 00:23:50.675 [crying] 00:23:51.309 --> 00:23:52.439 Sean: "It's not your fault." 00:23:52.439 --> 00:23:54.409 "Good Will Hunting" is a rare film 00:23:54.409 --> 00:23:58.999 in which the protagonist chooses to reject traditional patriarchal masculinity 00:23:58.999 --> 00:24:00.039 [sobbing] 00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:02.029 and instead chooses to follow 00:24:02.029 --> 00:24:05.151 the more vulnerable path of emotional connection. 00:24:07.010 --> 00:24:11.900 Joel makes a similar choice in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", 00:24:11.900 --> 00:24:14.838 when he decides to face his painful feelings 00:24:14.838 --> 00:24:16.638 rather than erasing them. 00:24:19.627 --> 00:24:24.477 In Berry Jenkins "Moonlight", Chiron also chooses to leave behind a life 00:24:24.477 --> 00:24:26.297 hardened by isolation 00:24:26.297 --> 00:24:28.467 and embrace the vulnerability of 00:24:28.467 --> 00:24:30.157 emotional intimacy. 00:24:31.381 --> 00:24:35.138 Representations like these are rightfully celebrated, 00:24:35.747 --> 00:24:38.827 but such depictions are still remarkably rare 00:24:38.827 --> 00:24:40.797 and remain the exception 00:24:40.797 --> 00:24:42.620 rather than the rule. 00:24:44.481 --> 00:24:45.841 As I said earlier, 00:24:45.841 --> 00:24:47.964 it can be genuinely gutwrenching 00:24:47.964 --> 00:24:51.964 when media allows us to glimpse cracks in the facade of male control. 00:24:53.431 --> 00:24:56.691 Seeing a man finally, at long last, 00:24:56.691 --> 00:24:59.891 letting a tear slip, a lip tremble 00:24:59.891 --> 00:25:03.971 or, in the most extreme circumstances, being allowed a good cry 00:25:03.971 --> 00:25:05.541 can be quite moving. 00:25:06.618 --> 00:25:09.145 Even in scenes that are meant to be humorous. 00:25:09.145 --> 00:25:13.285 Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on. Come on, toughen up." 00:25:13.285 --> 00:25:16.282 Still, I think it's important to recognize 00:25:16.282 --> 00:25:19.722 that these rare moments are seen as so powerful, 00:25:19.722 --> 00:25:23.722 precisely because disconnection is still so highly valued 00:25:23.722 --> 00:25:26.352 for men in our society. 00:25:28.521 --> 00:25:30.791 Perhaps we wouldn't be as moved by 00:25:30.791 --> 00:25:32.661 the small cracks in the dam 00:25:32.661 --> 00:25:36.791 if we got to see the free flow of tears more often. 00:25:39.254 --> 00:25:43.674 Movies and TV shows are much more than simple entertainment. 00:25:43.674 --> 00:25:46.584 They also present us with, what bell hooks calls, 00:25:46.584 --> 00:25:48.404 "the art of the possible". 00:25:49.378 --> 00:25:53.568 Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily? I thought you would be furious with me." 00:25:53.568 --> 00:25:56.638 Iroh: "I was never angry with you. 00:25:56.638 --> 00:26:00.968 I was sad because I was afraid you lost your way." 00:26:01.448 --> 00:26:03.498 And that's why it's critical for media 00:26:03.498 --> 00:26:08.638 to show us more than just the rare, momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability. 00:26:09.612 --> 00:26:12.976 We need to see men crying unapologetically. 00:26:13.289 --> 00:26:15.879 Men connecting emotionally with women 00:26:15.879 --> 00:26:17.589 and with each other. 00:26:17.589 --> 00:26:20.090 And ultimately, to see men healing 00:26:20.090 --> 00:26:23.009 as they embrace the full range of their humanity. 00:26:24.793 --> 00:26:28.153 We need the crying window always open. 00:26:28.153 --> 00:26:32.373 [emotional music] 00:26:34.248 --> 00:26:36.438 I hope you enjoyed this video. 00:26:36.438 --> 00:26:39.404 Now as you might imagine these long-form video essays 00:26:39.404 --> 00:26:41.404 take an enormous amount of time, 00:26:41.404 --> 00:26:43.438 to write, edit and produce. 00:26:43.438 --> 00:26:46.218 This one has something like 200 media clips 00:26:46.218 --> 00:26:49.250 sourced from various movies and TV shows. 00:26:49.250 --> 00:26:51.810 So if you would like to see more videos like this one 00:26:51.810 --> 00:26:54.392 please consider going over to Patreon 00:26:54.392 --> 00:26:56.872 and helping to back this project there. 00:26:56.872 --> 00:26:59.712 I've also left the link to PayPal in the description below, 00:26:59.712 --> 00:27:00.962 if you prefer. 00:27:00.962 --> 00:27:03.792 Now I have a whole bunch of other media projects in the works 00:27:03.792 --> 00:27:05.772 so please stay tuned for those 00:27:05.772 --> 00:27:08.422 and I'll see you back here again next time.