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[light piano music]

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You've probably heard the old adage,

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"Boys don't cry"

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That sentiment has been floating around

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in our culture for a very long time.

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It's a curious phrase though, isn't it?

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When we hear someone say

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"Boys don't cry",

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we know it isn't meant literally.

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That is, we know that boys,

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and by extension men, do, in fact, cry.

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We see it all the time.

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Both in real life -

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and at the movies.

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Even tough guy characters cry, 
occasionally.

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So, what does that phrase really mean?

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Well, "boys don't cry" is an assertion of

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a cultural ideal for manhood.

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Spencer: "Don't cry, don't cry,
don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."

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What most people mean is closer to,

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"Boys aren't supposed to cry."

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Daniel Plainview: "Stop crying,
you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense!"

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But even that isn't entirely accurate.

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Because there are a few situations where
crying is permitted.

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Ron Swanson: "Crying, acceptable at
funerals, and the Grand Canyon."

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So, the more accurate statement would be,

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"Boys aren't supposed to cry, except under
a narrow set of circumstances."

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It doesn't really have the same ring
to it.

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Romeo: (crying) "I defy you stars!"

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But it's that narrow set of circumstances
that we're going to focus on

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in this video.

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Because those moments of vulnerability,
however brief, can tell us a lot about

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the construction of masculinity.

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Now, I wanna be clear that the inclusion
of a movie or a TV show in this video,

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does not necessarily equal 
criticism of it.

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In many of the examples we'll be looking
at, the tears are entirely appropriate.

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Some of the scenes are incredibly
powerful,

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and the actors' performances
truly inspired.

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Roy: "Like... tears... in rain."

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As with most of my video essays,
I'm primarily concerned with

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examining over-arching media patterns,

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and looking at how those patterns help
shape social norms in our larger culture.

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Darcy: "Woah."

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Lloyd: "I feel like crying."

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Of course, all men aren't painted
with the same cinematic brush.

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Chiron: "Shit, I cry so much sometimes, I
feel like I'ma just turn into droplets."

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Since they haven't yet entered into
manhood, boys and teenager are usually

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given more emotional leeway on screen.

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Earl: "It's enough to make a
grown man cry -

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but not this man.

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Get back in there, tear." [pop]

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And because of hyper-masculine stereotypes
about black and brown men,

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the allowable window for vulnerability
can be even smaller

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than it is for white heroes.

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Eric: "Just sick of everyone 
treating me like shit."

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Gay men in media, meanwhile, tend to
be represented as being

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more emotionally expressive
than their straight counterparts

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Even though we all understand

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that men and boys do cry,

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there's still an unwritten rule that men

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are only allowed to openly
and sincerely cry

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in a small handful of social situations.

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Think of it like an emotional window,

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wherein men can display
a measure of vulnerability -

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without jeopardizing their manhood status.

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The more extreme the situation,

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the more unrestrained the crying can be.

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So for instance, if a male character
begins to sob in a dramatic role,

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audiences have learned this means

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whatever is going on, it must be

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really, really unthinkably bad -

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like never-going-to-see-his-family-again
bad,

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or just-killed-a-whole-bunch-of-people
bad,

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Anakin: "I killed them."

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or did-cannibalism bad.

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Patrick: "I ate some of their brains."

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Curtis: "I know what people taste like."

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Frank: "Soylent Green is made
out of people."

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Now, admittedly, Soylent Green is on the

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far end of the spectrum.

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The most common set of circumstances,

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where the crying window
opens,

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involve death.

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Usually, the death of a loved one.

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Forrest: "And I miss you, Jenny."

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Especially if they have been victimized
in some way.

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[sob]

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This can include tears relating to an

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impending death,

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or a breakdown immediately following

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a near-death experience.

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War, in particular, is often represented

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as a setting that provides access

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to those extreme situations,

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when it's socially permissible to be
openly vulnerable with others -

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but at a tragic cost.

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It's also sometimes permissible

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for men to shed tears relating to
personal failure.

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Alfred: "You trusted me...
and I failed you."

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Though it has to be a great failure,

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like the failure to provide or protect.

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Occasionally, that can include the
failure of a marriage -

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but more often it's the failure

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to stop a catastrophe.

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The crying window also opens briefly

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in another social arena.

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Jimmy: "There's no crying -
there's no crying in baseball!"

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[woman sobbing]

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Tom Hanks is a funny man,

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but he is wrong in that scene -

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there IS crying in baseball

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And in other men's sports.

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Rocky: "This is the greatest night
in the history of my life!"

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But notice it's only around particularly

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heightened moments of competition -

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like the final game of the season,

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or qualifying for the playoffs.

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These intense situations may be

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the only time all year where a grown man

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gets to cry in public

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and not be ridiculed for it.

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Data: "I am happy to see Spot -
and I am crying."

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Tears of joy are probably the rarest

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acceptable type for men in media.

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These are restricted to

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post-traumatic reunions,

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recognition for a life's work,

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the birth of a child,

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or a father at his daughters wedding.

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Though, tellingly, very rarely

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at his own wedding -

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or the wedding of a son.

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[man sobbing]

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There are a few other fringe cases where

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the crying window opens.

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But notice that all of these situations
are rare.

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Simon: "Hey, stop crying" -

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Dad: "I'm trying, (rushed) I'm trying"

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So rare that they may only come around

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a few times in a man's entire life.

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On average we do see men crying

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slightly more often in dramas

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or romance stories.

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[thuds]

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But in order for men to cry

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in action-driven media,

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an almost supernatural level of trauma

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is usually required.

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Even when it's a tragic or
miraculous event

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the flow of tears can still be

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noticeably constrained for male
characters.

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We're all familiar with the
single tear cliche.

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One solitary drop of emotion is allowed to
fall down a man's cheek,

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to let the audience know that he harbors
deep inner feelings -

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feelings that will likely remain unspoken.

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But often we don't even get the
single tear -

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we just see damp, wet eyes

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and the tears aren't allowed to escape.

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On many occasions,
while making this video,

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I found myself having to pause

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and zoom in on a still frame

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to try to figure out if the guy was

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really shedding tears or not.

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Ronny: "Are you crying? - Zip: "No."

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The reason why we're spending so much time

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talking about men's vulnerability

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is because tears are healthy -

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both physiologically and emotionally.

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On a biological level,
crying releases stress

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and helps reduce anxiety.

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On a social level, the ability to cry and

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be openly vulnerable in front of others,

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is critical for human connection and
relationship building.

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Jerry: "You ... complete me."

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It's difficult to built and maintain

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emotionally supportive friendships
without it.

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Rebbeca: "There we go... there we go."

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Ted: "I promise you there is something

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worse out there than being sad,

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and that is being alone and being sad."

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With that in mind, it's instructive

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to consider the wide array

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of social situations that fall outside

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of the permissible crying window.

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Leonard: "So it's cool if I cry
a little?" [laugh track] -

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Penny: "Yeah, I probably wouldn't."

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Men may fear losing masculinity points -

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John: "You're not gonna cry, are you?" -

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if they are seen crying due to things
like pain -

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Jack: "No, I'm fine" -

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fear, heartbreak, pressure at work,

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experiencing depression or anxiety,

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embarrassment or hurt feelings.

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George: "As a man, you are crying
right now."

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Ira: "I'm not crying."

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George: "People are gonna think we just
broke up or something, Ira,

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stop doing what you're doing."

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Crying is also frowned upon for men

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when doing things like

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watching a sappy movie

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or witnessing a beautiful sunset

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or even connecting on an intimate level.

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Rachel: "Are you crying?" -

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Peter: "I'm so sorry that I'm being
so weird now."

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Notice that all of these life events

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are relatively common.

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They're the kind of things

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that are likely to happen to men

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in their everyday lives.

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If we do see men crying

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for one of those everyday reasons
in dramatic media,

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it feels so remarkable,
that we sit up and take notice.

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Stan: "Check the, uh, check the
connections please."

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Like all social constructs,

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the rules governing the crying window

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can be bent from time to time.

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But if the rules are broken,

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the guy runs the risk of becoming

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the objects of ridicule amongst his peers

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or worse being turned into

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a meme on the internet.

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As should be evident by some of the clips

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we've just been looking at,

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when men are depicted getting emotional

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outside of the permissible window,

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their tears are routinely

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played for comedy.

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Ron: "I'm in a glass case of emotion"

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This is the space Will Ferrell,

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Adam Sandler and other comedic actors

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build their pathetic male characters in.

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Henry: "Why would you do this to me,
you sick bastard?"

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[Alan wailing]

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It's a world where men who cry too long,

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too intensely or at inconvenient times

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are mocked - mercilessly.

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Dylan: "I thought big people weren't
supposed to cry?"

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Megan: "I think it's sweet that he's
crying like a little bitch."

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Sara: "Megan!"

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Comedy that makes fun of men for crying

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consistently frames outbursts of emotion

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or vulnerability as pathetic, weak -

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Raj: "Oh my god, I'm crying already." -

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and decidedly unmanly.

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Woman: "Why don't you just put on a dress
and weep like a little girl?"

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The association of tears with femininity

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is explicitly illustrated in the

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countless jokes deriding men for

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crying like a little girl.

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[laugh track] Monica: "Still crying?"

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Rachel: "Like a little girl."

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Skinner: "Right now superintendent
Chalmers is at home

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crying like a little girl." [laughing]

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Jeremy: "Stop crying
like a little girl." -

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John: "I wasn't crying like a little girl."

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The insult is used to police

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men's expression of emotion

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while also reinforcing the sexist idea

259
00:12:53,201 --> 00:12:55,686
that women are somehow overly emotional

260
00:12:55,686 --> 00:12:57,141
or lack self-control.

261
00:12:58,660 --> 00:13:01,631
David: "You know women. They get
real emotional."

262
00:13:01,892 --> 00:13:03,855
Ian: "Yeah, David, you seem emotional."

263
00:13:04,525 --> 00:13:06,640
David: "Yeah, I'm kinda having
a hard time."

264
00:13:07,113 --> 00:13:08,439
Even though crying is a

265
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:11,225
basic human response for everyone,

266
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:14,405
regardless of their gender, it has come to

267
00:13:14,405 --> 00:13:16,942
be thought of as a gendered phenomenon.

268
00:13:17,295 --> 00:13:21,295
Paul: "I cried for 45 minutes. You slap
a pair of tits on me, I'm a woman.

269
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,318
Vito: "You can act like a man,

270
00:13:23,318 --> 00:13:24,729
what's the matter with you?"

271
00:13:25,358 --> 00:13:27,279
Charlotte: "Oh, you can cry, it's okay."

272
00:13:27,279 --> 00:13:30,683
Emerson: "It is not okay for
a grown-ass man to weep in public

273
00:13:30,683 --> 00:13:33,350
with a bunch of happy families
enjoying pie."

274
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:35,451
This is why the social pressure for men

275
00:13:35,451 --> 00:13:40,009
to put on a brave face and not cry in the
presence of others is enormous.

276
00:13:40,009 --> 00:13:44,133
Emerson: "If you can't hold it, you take
your ass to the men's room

277
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:47,797
and cry in private on the toilet,
like a man!"

278
00:13:49,964 --> 00:13:51,871
As therapist Terrance Real has noted,

279
00:13:51,871 --> 00:14:01,404
[quote on screen]

280
00:14:03,817 --> 00:14:05,880
If men do get emotional in media,

281
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,210
notice where and when they do it.

282
00:14:11,132 --> 00:14:15,132
Most of the time, vulnerable moments only
happen in private.

283
00:14:17,662 --> 00:14:20,157
It's a classic bit of cinematic
sleight of hand,

284
00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:25,119
because we, as the audience, get to see
protagonists experiencing moments

285
00:14:25,119 --> 00:14:26,887
of true vulnerability.

286
00:14:28,015 --> 00:14:31,659
But they rarely share those feelings
with other characters.

287
00:14:35,324 --> 00:14:37,248
Since the expression of vulnerability

288
00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:39,737
is so strongly coded feminine,
in our culture

289
00:14:39,737 --> 00:14:41,875
stories often have women acting as

290
00:14:41,875 --> 00:14:43,606
conduits for men's feelings.

291
00:14:45,026 --> 00:14:47,964
The emotional labor of caring for 
men's pain

292
00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:50,902
typically falls on the women
in their lives.

293
00:14:52,173 --> 00:14:56,173
And, more often than not, that support
only goes one way.

294
00:14:58,226 --> 00:15:00,539
One of the consequences of living in a 
culture,

295
00:15:00,539 --> 00:15:02,948
where men are taught to
low the vulnerability,

296
00:15:02,948 --> 00:15:04,790
is that they don't want to be around

297
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,855
other people who are crying.

298
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,771
Jerry: "What are you doing,
you're crying?" -

299
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:09,718
George: "No!"

300
00:15:10,138 --> 00:15:11,839
Jerry: "Just get yourself together.

301
00:15:11,839 --> 00:15:14,331
I don't know if I can be friends with you 
anymore after this display."

302
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,471
George: "Oh, shut up!"

303
00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:17,731
Men may be unwilling to take care of

304
00:15:17,731 --> 00:15:20,636
or provide emotional support to those
who are shedding tears -

305
00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:21,822
Oscar: "There, there" -

306
00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:24,713
because that close proximity
to vulnerability

307
00:15:24,713 --> 00:15:27,666
undermines their own sense of masculinity.

308
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,774
When in the vicinity of another man
who's crying -

309
00:15:32,774 --> 00:15:36,551
Vic: "Oh come on, you need a tissue? 
A teddy bear?

310
00:15:36,551 --> 00:15:39,120
You got a blankie in the trunk, 
you want me to grab?"

311
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,347
They might pat their friend on the back -

312
00:15:41,347 --> 00:15:43,871
Tony: "Hey, let's stop hugging." -

313
00:15:43,871 --> 00:15:47,267
or give a quick hug before
reestablishing distance.

314
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:50,037
Cliff: "Woah, woah, hey"

315
00:15:50,037 --> 00:15:51,849
Rick: "I'm sorry about that...
sorry about that"

316
00:15:51,849 --> 00:15:55,384
Cliff: "Here put these on.
Don't cry in front of Mexicans.

317
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,113
In fact, if caught shedding tears,

318
00:15:58,113 --> 00:16:00,668
male characters will frequently deny it

319
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:01,921
Schmidt: "Are you crying?"

320
00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:03,194
Nick: "I'm not crying."

321
00:16:03,194 --> 00:16:04,909
and pretend everything is fine.

322
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:06,209
Ken: "Are you crying?"

323
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:07,067
David: "What's that?"

324
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,051
Ken: "Are you crying?"

325
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,788
David: "Am I crying? No, I'm not crying. 
You're crying!"

326
00:16:10,938 --> 00:16:12,398
Raj: "Are you crying?"

327
00:16:12,398 --> 00:16:14,083
Howard: "No, I have allergies."

328
00:16:14,286 --> 00:16:15,346
Rusty: "You okay?"

329
00:16:15,346 --> 00:16:17,826
Daniel: "Yeah, no, I just
bit into a pepper." [sniff]

330
00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:19,464
Jules: "Are you crying?"

331
00:16:19,464 --> 00:16:22,091
Seth: "No I just have something
in both my eyes."

332
00:16:22,091 --> 00:16:25,811
Variations on the classic quip "I just 
have something in my eye."

333
00:16:25,811 --> 00:16:27,766
are written to communicate to viewers

334
00:16:27,766 --> 00:16:30,456
that the character does indeed
have feelings

335
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:33,456
Davis: "No, no! No, No, No, 
it's not funny and I wasn't crying.

336
00:16:33,456 --> 00:16:36,405
I wasn't crying, okay? There's a lot of 
debris around here."

337
00:16:36,405 --> 00:16:37,677
Michaelangelo: "Are you crying?"

338
00:16:37,677 --> 00:16:40,750
while also giving him a measure
of plausible deniability

339
00:16:40,815 --> 00:16:43,956
Raphael: "No Ding-Dong, just a little 
dusty out here."

340
00:16:45,206 --> 00:16:48,456
Popular media frequently reinforces 
the belief

341
00:16:48,456 --> 00:16:49,415
Patton: "Shut up!"

342
00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:51,566
that men need to hide their feelings.

343
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:54,781
Patton: "Won't have a yellow bastard 
sitting here, crying,

344
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,951
in front of these brave men who have been
wounded in battle!"

345
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,071
In the fantastic stories Hollywood tells,

346
00:17:01,071 --> 00:17:05,732
feeling and action are often presented as 
opposites -

347
00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:10,391
Private Hudson: "This can't be happening,
man, this isn't happening."

348
00:17:10,391 --> 00:17:12,533
as if one precludes the other.

349
00:17:13,071 --> 00:17:14,651
Rocket: "Are you crying?"

350
00:17:14,651 --> 00:17:17,430
Thor: "No...

351
00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:20,209
yes. I feel like I'm losing it."

352
00:17:20,209 --> 00:17:21,525
Rocket: "Get it together!"

353
00:17:22,144 --> 00:17:24,254
Movies tell us over and over again

354
00:17:24,254 --> 00:17:27,373
that if men allow themselves 
to feel vulnerable

355
00:17:27,373 --> 00:17:31,283
they will be rendered useless.

356
00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:35,283
Not only will their emotions paralyze 
basic motor functions,

357
00:17:35,473 --> 00:17:37,333
[Troy groans]

358
00:17:37,671 --> 00:17:40,121
but the whole world may fall apart
around them.

359
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:43,671
Kirk: "Snap out of it. Start acting 
like men!"

360
00:17:44,114 --> 00:17:45,824
It's not true, of course.

361
00:17:47,735 --> 00:17:50,105
Crying does not preclude action.

362
00:17:50,105 --> 00:17:51,475
[dramatic music]

363
00:17:54,059 --> 00:17:58,764
But the myth that vulnerability is
synonymous with a complete loss of control

364
00:17:58,764 --> 00:18:00,364
[lion wailing]

365
00:18:00,364 --> 00:18:02,974
and therefore incompatible with power

366
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,114
is so corrosive and so strong

367
00:18:05,114 --> 00:18:06,474
[slap]

368
00:18:06,474 --> 00:18:08,734
that many men have come to believe

369
00:18:08,734 --> 00:18:13,874
they must kill their emotional sides 
in order to be useful members of society.

370
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:18,761
Montrose: "I cut out all the soft parts of
myself."

371
00:18:18,761 --> 00:18:21,251
(Montrose) Just to be a man."

372
00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:25,715
Emotional disconnection has other even
more harmful consequences.

373
00:18:27,026 --> 00:18:31,026
Jimmy: "And it's really starting to piss
me off Dave because I can't even cry

374
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:35,026
for her. My own little daughter
and I can't even cry for her."

375
00:18:35,712 --> 00:18:38,842
The process of working through hurt or loss

376
00:18:38,842 --> 00:18:40,842
can be slow and painful,

377
00:18:40,842 --> 00:18:44,912
but it's also necessary for
emotional healing.

378
00:18:46,684 --> 00:18:50,260
And yet when we do see men breaking down
on screen

379
00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:52,090
the moment passes quickly.

380
00:18:53,678 --> 00:18:56,478
That's because the permissible crying window

381
00:18:56,478 --> 00:19:00,478
only remains opens for a short time.

382
00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:04,979
Even when finding the dead bodies of his 
family,

383
00:19:04,979 --> 00:19:08,979
the tears come and go in the space of 
one or two minutes.

384
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:13,440
This means we very rarely see
male characters

385
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,190
who are given the time to properly mourn.

386
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,640
Jed: "Don't cry! Hold it back.

387
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,550
Let it turn to something else"

388
00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:27,810
[crying]

389
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:31,587
(Jed) Just let it turn to
something else, okay?

390
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:37,541
In fact, in countless pieces of media

391
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:41,911
men's tears essentially function 
as a bridge to violence.

392
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,100
[shot]

393
00:19:45,675 --> 00:19:47,718
Sometimes the transformation

394
00:19:47,718 --> 00:19:51,368
from profound grief to extreme aggression

395
00:19:51,368 --> 00:19:54,278
even happens within the same scene.

396
00:19:56,577 --> 00:20:00,557
Far too often in media we don't see men
getting sad,

397
00:20:01,675 --> 00:20:03,725
we see them getting mad

398
00:20:03,725 --> 00:20:05,291
and then getting even.

399
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:06,361
[shots fired]

400
00:20:06,879 --> 00:20:09,189
Narrator: "He goes wild - blood drunk."

401
00:20:09,762 --> 00:20:10,862
[shots fired]

402
00:20:12,850 --> 00:20:14,648
In this way violent retribution

403
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,615
is presented as a replacement

404
00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:19,875
for the normal grieving process.

405
00:20:21,293 --> 00:20:23,303
This pattern then encourages men

406
00:20:23,303 --> 00:20:25,953
to channel all of their feelings 
into aggression

407
00:20:26,469 --> 00:20:28,567
[screaming]

408
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:31,179
and to use that aggression to express
themselves

409
00:20:31,179 --> 00:20:33,679
in nearly all situations.

410
00:20:33,679 --> 00:20:36,859
[screaming]

411
00:20:36,859 --> 00:20:40,859
Now anger isn't necessarily a 
destructive emotion.

412
00:20:40,859 --> 00:20:43,015
When directed in constructive ways,

413
00:20:43,015 --> 00:20:46,206
it can be an appropriate response 
to injustice.

414
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:49,693
The problem is that since
aggressive outbursts

415
00:20:49,693 --> 00:20:52,933
are in many ways the opposite of 
vulnerability.

416
00:20:54,185 --> 00:20:57,675
Rage and anger are almost universally seen

417
00:20:57,675 --> 00:20:59,988
as signs of strength for men.

418
00:21:01,015 --> 00:21:05,015
Whereas prolonged grief or sadness 
is seen as weakness.

419
00:21:06,423 --> 00:21:09,653
Or worse as a sign of instability.

420
00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,231
This helps explain why filmmakers

421
00:21:12,231 --> 00:21:14,535
will so often use men's tears

422
00:21:14,535 --> 00:21:18,805
as audio-visual shorthand for a descend
into madness.

423
00:21:20,918 --> 00:21:22,528
Or a descend into evil

424
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,002
Or both.

425
00:21:28,614 --> 00:21:33,384
In his book "Cracking the Armour - 
Power, Pain and the Lives of Men"

426
00:21:33,384 --> 00:21:35,491
Micheal Kaufmann observes that

427
00:21:35,491 --> 00:22:05,801
[quote on screen]

428
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:10,414
It's illuminating to consider
just how often

429
00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:14,514
men's emotional pain is translated
as self-destruction,

430
00:22:14,514 --> 00:22:16,494
in Hollywood narratives.

431
00:22:16,494 --> 00:22:20,494
Howard: "I'm so sad, I’m so fucked up."

432
00:22:20,494 --> 00:22:23,414
[screaming]

433
00:22:25,654 --> 00:22:28,134
Just like violence directed outward,

434
00:22:28,134 --> 00:22:31,309
violence directed inward is 
often portrayed

435
00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:34,667
as an intrinsic, almost inevitable 
manifestation

436
00:22:34,667 --> 00:22:36,807
of men's emotional pain.

437
00:22:37,829 --> 00:22:39,209
Riggan: "Bang."

438
00:22:39,209 --> 00:22:41,189
Rather than being critiques of

439
00:22:41,189 --> 00:22:44,179
disconnected or violent masculinity

440
00:22:44,179 --> 00:22:46,659
these depictions end up glamorizing

441
00:22:46,659 --> 00:22:48,489
or at least mythologizing

442
00:22:48,489 --> 00:22:51,949
and poetizing male characters

443
00:22:51,949 --> 00:22:55,459
who almost never figure out
how to deal with their feelings

444
00:22:55,459 --> 00:22:57,169
in a healthy way.

445
00:22:58,784 --> 00:23:03,345
So instead we are treated to images
of men destroying themselves

446
00:23:03,345 --> 00:23:06,845
in lovingly realized, cinematic 
spectacles.

447
00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:10,723
In her amazing book

448
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:11,973
"The Will to Change"

449
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,183
bell hooks notes popular culture

450
00:23:14,183 --> 00:23:19,593
very rarely presents us with alternative
emotional paths for male characters.

451
00:23:20,971 --> 00:23:34,102
[quote on screen]

452
00:23:35,876 --> 00:23:39,486
Indeed, stories in which men break the 
pattern

453
00:23:39,486 --> 00:23:42,516
and successfully work trough
emotional pain

454
00:23:42,516 --> 00:23:44,524
in transformative ways,

455
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:46,515
are few and far between.

456
00:23:46,515 --> 00:23:50,675
[crying]

457
00:23:51,309 --> 00:23:52,439
Sean: "It's not your fault."

458
00:23:52,439 --> 00:23:54,409
"Good Will Hunting" is a rare film

459
00:23:54,409 --> 00:23:58,999
in which the protagonist chooses to 
reject traditional patriarchal masculinity

460
00:23:58,999 --> 00:24:00,039
[sobbing]

461
00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:02,029
and instead chooses to follow

462
00:24:02,029 --> 00:24:05,151
the more vulnerable path of emotional 
connection.

463
00:24:07,010 --> 00:24:11,900
Joel makes a similar choice in 
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind",

464
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:14,838
when he decides to face his
painful feelings

465
00:24:14,838 --> 00:24:16,638
rather than erasing them.

466
00:24:19,627 --> 00:24:24,477
In Berry Jenkins "Moonlight", Chiron also 
chooses to leave behind a life

467
00:24:24,477 --> 00:24:26,297
hardened by isolation

468
00:24:26,297 --> 00:24:28,467
and embrace the vulnerability of

469
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,157
emotional intimacy.

470
00:24:31,381 --> 00:24:35,138
Representations like these are rightfully 
celebrated,

471
00:24:35,747 --> 00:24:38,827
but such depictions are still 
remarkably rare

472
00:24:38,827 --> 00:24:40,797
and remain the exception

473
00:24:40,797 --> 00:24:42,620
rather than the rule.

474
00:24:44,481 --> 00:24:45,841
As I said earlier,

475
00:24:45,841 --> 00:24:47,964
it can be genuinely gutwrenching

476
00:24:47,964 --> 00:24:51,964
when media allows us to glimpse cracks 
in the facade of male control.

477
00:24:53,431 --> 00:24:56,691
Seeing a man finally, at long last,

478
00:24:56,691 --> 00:24:59,891
letting a tear slip, a lip tremble

479
00:24:59,891 --> 00:25:03,971
or, in the most extreme circumstances,
being allowed a good cry

480
00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:05,541
can be quite moving.

481
00:25:06,618 --> 00:25:09,145
Even in scenes that are meant to be 
humorous.

482
00:25:09,145 --> 00:25:13,285
Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on. Come on, 
toughen up."

483
00:25:13,285 --> 00:25:16,282
Still, I think it's important to recognize

484
00:25:16,282 --> 00:25:19,722
that these rare moments are seen as so 
powerful,

485
00:25:19,722 --> 00:25:23,722
precisely because disconnection is still
so highly valued

486
00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:26,352
for men in our society.

487
00:25:28,521 --> 00:25:30,791
Perhaps we wouldn't be as moved by

488
00:25:30,791 --> 00:25:32,661
the small cracks in the dam

489
00:25:32,661 --> 00:25:36,791
if we got to see the free flow of tears 
more often.

490
00:25:39,254 --> 00:25:43,674
Movies and TV shows are much more than 
simple entertainment.

491
00:25:43,674 --> 00:25:46,584
They also present us with, what bell
hooks calls,

492
00:25:46,584 --> 00:25:48,404
"the art of the possible".

493
00:25:49,378 --> 00:25:53,568
Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily?
I thought you would be furious with me."

494
00:25:53,568 --> 00:25:56,638
Iroh: "I was never angry with you.

495
00:25:56,638 --> 00:26:00,968
I was sad because I was afraid you lost 
your way."

496
00:26:01,448 --> 00:26:03,498
And that's why it's critical for media

497
00:26:03,498 --> 00:26:08,638
to show us more than just the rare,
momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability.

498
00:26:09,612 --> 00:26:12,976
We need to see men crying
unapologetically.

499
00:26:13,289 --> 00:26:15,879
Men connecting emotionally with women

500
00:26:15,879 --> 00:26:17,589
and with each other.

501
00:26:17,589 --> 00:26:20,090
And ultimately, to see men healing

502
00:26:20,090 --> 00:26:23,009
as they embrace the full range of their 
humanity.

503
00:26:24,793 --> 00:26:28,153
We need the crying window always open.

504
00:26:28,153 --> 00:26:32,373
[emotional music]

505
00:26:34,248 --> 00:26:36,438
I hope you enjoyed this video.

506
00:26:36,438 --> 00:26:39,404
Now as you might imagine these long-form 
video essays

507
00:26:39,404 --> 00:26:41,404
take an enormous amount of time,

508
00:26:41,404 --> 00:26:43,438
to write, edit and produce.

509
00:26:43,438 --> 00:26:46,218
This one has something like 
200 media clips

510
00:26:46,218 --> 00:26:49,250
sourced from various movies and TV shows.

511
00:26:49,250 --> 00:26:51,810
So if you would like to see more videos 
like this one

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please consider going over to Patreon

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and helping to back this project there.

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I've also left the link to PayPal in 
the description below,

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if you prefer.

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Now I have a whole bunch of other media 
projects in the works

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so please stay tuned for those

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and I'll see you back here again
next time.