0:00:00.001,0:00:02.831 [light piano music] 0:00:07.515,0:00:09.817 You've probably heard the old adage, 0:00:09.817,0:00:11.603 "Boys don't cry" 0:00:12.610,0:00:14.747 That sentiment has been floating around 0:00:14.747,0:00:16.970 in our culture for a very long time. 0:00:18.300,0:00:20.399 It's a curious phrase though, isn't it? 0:00:21.478,0:00:23.060 When we hear someone say 0:00:23.060,0:00:24.398 "Boys don't cry", 0:00:24.398,0:00:26.328 we know it isn't meant literally. 0:00:27.967,0:00:30.069 That is, we know that boys, 0:00:30.069,0:00:34.127 and by extension men, do, in fact, cry. 0:00:34.867,0:00:36.357 We see it all the time. 0:00:37.095,0:00:38.365 Both in real life - 0:00:38.740,0:00:40.740 and at the movies. 0:00:40.800,0:00:44.140 Even tough guy characters cry, [br]occasionally. 0:00:45.734,0:00:48.334 So, what does that phrase really mean? 0:00:48.931,0:00:51.299 Well, "boys don't cry" is an assertion of 0:00:51.299,0:00:54.188 a cultural ideal for manhood. 0:00:54.779,0:00:57.963 Spencer: "Don't cry, don't cry,[br]don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." 0:00:57.963,0:01:00.246 What most people mean is closer to, 0:01:00.246,0:01:02.149 "Boys aren't supposed to cry." 0:01:02.149,0:01:06.254 Daniel Plainview: "Stop crying,[br]you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense!" 0:01:06.732,0:01:09.372 But even that isn't entirely accurate. 0:01:10.173,0:01:13.693 Because there are a few situations where[br]crying is permitted. 0:01:15.457,0:01:19.647 Ron Swanson: "Crying, acceptable at[br]funerals, and the Grand Canyon." 0:01:20.540,0:01:23.170 So, the more accurate statement would be, 0:01:23.222,0:01:28.747 "Boys aren't supposed to cry, except under[br]a narrow set of circumstances." 0:01:29.545,0:01:31.815 It doesn't really have the same ring[br]to it. 0:01:32.008,0:01:34.108 Romeo: (crying) "I defy you stars!" 0:01:36.639,0:01:40.379 But it's that narrow set of circumstances[br]that we're going to focus on 0:01:40.379,0:01:41.729 in this video. 0:01:42.602,0:01:47.278 Because those moments of vulnerability,[br]however brief, can tell us a lot about 0:01:47.278,0:01:51.438 the construction of masculinity. 0:01:54.710,0:01:59.470 Now, I wanna be clear that the inclusion[br]of a movie or a TV show in this video, 0:01:59.807,0:02:04.087 does not necessarily equal [br]criticism of it. 0:02:04.838,0:02:09.258 In many of the examples we'll be looking[br]at, the tears are entirely appropriate. 0:02:10.494,0:02:12.664 Some of the scenes are incredibly[br]powerful, 0:02:12.685,0:02:15.745 and the actors' performances[br]truly inspired. 0:02:16.344,0:02:22.944 Roy: "Like... tears... in rain." 0:02:24.345,0:02:28.035 As with most of my video essays,[br]I'm primarily concerned with 0:02:28.065,0:02:31.725 examining over-arching media patterns, 0:02:31.755,0:02:36.505 and looking at how those patterns help[br]shape social norms in our larger culture. 0:02:36.554,0:02:37.834 Darcy: "Woah." 0:02:38.425,0:02:40.175 Lloyd: "I feel like crying." 0:02:40.275,0:02:44.485 Of course, all men aren't painted[br]with the same cinematic brush. 0:02:44.755,0:02:48.805 Chiron: "Shit, I cry so much sometimes, I[br]feel like I'ma just turn into droplets." 0:02:49.193,0:02:53.383 Since they haven't yet entered into[br]manhood, boys and teenager are usually 0:02:53.432,0:02:57.432 given more emotional leeway on screen. 0:02:59.107,0:03:01.627 Earl: "It's enough to make a[br]grown man cry - 0:03:01.627,0:03:03.252 but not this man. 0:03:03.252,0:03:05.272 Get back in there, tear." [pop] 0:03:05.745,0:03:09.745 And because of hyper-masculine stereotypes[br]about black and brown men, 0:03:09.745,0:03:13.722 the allowable window for vulnerability[br]can be even smaller 0:03:13.722,0:03:15.809 than it is for white heroes. 0:03:16.528,0:03:20.708 Eric: "Just sick of everyone [br]treating me like shit." 0:03:20.708,0:03:25.011 Gay men in media, meanwhile, tend to[br]be represented as being 0:03:25.011,0:03:29.381 more emotionally expressive[br]than their straight counterparts 0:03:30.809,0:03:32.439 Even though we all understand 0:03:32.439,0:03:35.029 that men and boys do cry, 0:03:35.029,0:03:37.872 there's still an unwritten rule that men 0:03:37.872,0:03:41.202 are only allowed to openly[br]and sincerely cry 0:03:41.542,0:03:45.542 in a small handful of social situations. 0:03:46.392,0:03:48.772 Think of it like an emotional window, 0:03:48.772,0:03:51.982 wherein men can display[br]a measure of vulnerability - 0:03:51.982,0:03:55.982 without jeopardizing their manhood status. 0:03:57.280,0:03:59.294 The more extreme the situation, 0:03:59.294,0:04:02.114 the more unrestrained the crying can be. 0:04:05.034,0:04:09.294 So for instance, if a male character[br]begins to sob in a dramatic role, 0:04:09.294,0:04:11.864 audiences have learned this means 0:04:11.864,0:04:14.014 whatever is going on, it must be 0:04:14.014,0:04:18.525 really, really unthinkably bad - 0:04:18.695,0:04:21.996 like never-going-to-see-his-family-again[br]bad, 0:04:21.996,0:04:25.516 or just-killed-a-whole-bunch-of-people[br]bad, 0:04:25.516,0:04:27.016 Anakin: "I killed them." 0:04:27.016,0:04:29.036 or did-cannibalism bad. 0:04:29.036,0:04:31.466 Patrick: "I ate some of their brains." 0:04:31.466,0:04:34.396 Curtis: "I know what people taste like." 0:04:34.396,0:04:38.396 Frank: "Soylent Green is made[br]out of people." 0:04:39.574,0:04:42.084 Now, admittedly, Soylent Green is on the 0:04:42.084,0:04:43.576 far end of the spectrum. 0:04:44.896,0:04:47.266 The most common set of circumstances, 0:04:47.267,0:04:48.987 where the crying window[br]opens, 0:04:48.987,0:04:50.167 involve death. 0:04:51.193,0:04:53.597 Usually, the death of a loved one. 0:04:53.597,0:04:56.507 Forrest: "And I miss you, Jenny." 0:04:56.789,0:05:00.789 Especially if they have been victimized[br]in some way. 0:05:01.661,0:05:02.661 [sob] 0:05:02.951,0:05:05.203 This can include tears relating to an 0:05:05.203,0:05:06.268 impending death, 0:05:06.838,0:05:09.171 or a breakdown immediately following 0:05:09.171,0:05:10.813 a near-death experience. 0:05:13.005,0:05:15.605 War, in particular, is often represented 0:05:15.605,0:05:18.080 as a setting that provides access 0:05:18.080,0:05:20.379 to those extreme situations, 0:05:20.338,0:05:24.470 when it's socially permissible to be[br]openly vulnerable with others - 0:05:26.644,0:05:29.042 but at a tragic cost. 0:05:31.091,0:05:33.132 It's also sometimes permissible 0:05:33.132,0:05:36.943 for men to shed tears relating to[br]personal failure. 0:05:36.943,0:05:40.960 Alfred: "You trusted me...[br]and I failed you." 0:05:41.936,0:05:44.361 Though it has to be a great failure, 0:05:44.377,0:05:47.043 like the failure to provide or protect. 0:05:47.633,0:05:50.826 Occasionally, that can include the[br]failure of a marriage - 0:05:50.826,0:05:52.370 but more often it's the failure 0:05:52.370,0:05:54.020 to stop a catastrophe. 0:05:57.752,0:06:00.561 The crying window also opens briefly 0:06:00.561,0:06:02.329 in another social arena. 0:06:02.399,0:06:06.399 Jimmy: "There's no crying -[br]there's no crying in baseball!" 0:06:06.480,0:06:07.570 [woman sobbing] 0:06:07.720,0:06:09.300 Tom Hanks is a funny man, 0:06:09.300,0:06:10.893 but he is wrong in that scene - 0:06:11.209,0:06:13.191 there IS crying in baseball 0:06:13.413,0:06:15.204 And in other men's sports. 0:06:15.309,0:06:18.565 Rocky: "This is the greatest night[br]in the history of my life!" 0:06:20.275,0:06:23.075 But notice it's only around particularly 0:06:23.075,0:06:25.115 heightened moments of competition - 0:06:26.397,0:06:28.419 like the final game of the season, 0:06:29.150,0:06:31.188 or qualifying for the playoffs. 0:06:33.348,0:06:35.731 These intense situations may be 0:06:35.731,0:06:38.740 the only time all year where a grown man 0:06:38.740,0:06:40.473 gets to cry in public 0:06:40.473,0:06:42.757 and not be ridiculed for it. 0:06:44.727,0:06:49.348 Data: "I am happy to see Spot -[br]and I am crying." 0:06:49.929,0:06:52.151 Tears of joy are probably the rarest 0:06:52.151,0:06:54.652 acceptable type for men in media. 0:06:55.002,0:06:56.581 These are restricted to 0:06:56.581,0:06:58.719 post-traumatic reunions, 0:06:59.308,0:07:01.530 recognition for a life's work, 0:07:02.078,0:07:03.672 the birth of a child, 0:07:03.672,0:07:06.679 or a father at his daughters wedding. 0:07:08.320,0:07:10.567 Though, tellingly, very rarely 0:07:10.567,0:07:11.821 at his own wedding - 0:07:11.821,0:07:13.526 or the wedding of a son. 0:07:13.792,0:07:16.962 [man sobbing] 0:07:17.072,0:07:19.357 There are a few other fringe cases where 0:07:19.357,0:07:20.923 the crying window opens. 0:07:21.151,0:07:24.594 But notice that all of these situations[br]are rare. 0:07:24.826,0:07:26.152 Simon: "Hey, stop crying" - 0:07:26.152,0:07:27.983 Dad: "I'm trying, (rushed) I'm trying" 0:07:27.983,0:07:30.471 So rare that they may only come around 0:07:30.473,0:07:32.971 a few times in a man's entire life. 0:07:35.116,0:07:37.320 On average we do see men crying 0:07:37.320,0:07:39.710 slightly more often in dramas 0:07:39.710,0:07:40.905 or romance stories. 0:07:41.059,0:07:42.333 [thuds] 0:07:43.587,0:07:45.219 But in order for men to cry 0:07:45.219,0:07:46.847 in action-driven media, 0:07:46.847,0:07:49.413 an almost supernatural level of trauma 0:07:49.413,0:07:51.132 is usually required. 0:07:53.321,0:07:56.128 Even when it's a tragic or[br]miraculous event 0:07:56.128,0:07:58.298 the flow of tears can still be 0:07:58.298,0:08:00.802 noticeably constrained for male[br]characters. 0:08:02.267,0:08:04.814 We're all familiar with the[br]single tear cliche. 0:08:06.724,0:08:11.573 One solitary drop of emotion is allowed to[br]fall down a man's cheek, 0:08:11.760,0:08:16.713 to let the audience know that he harbors[br]deep inner feelings - 0:08:17.921,0:08:21.100 feelings that will likely remain unspoken. 0:08:24.135,0:08:26.922 But often we don't even get the[br]single tear - 0:08:27.202,0:08:30.011 we just see damp, wet eyes 0:08:30.651,0:08:32.981 and the tears aren't allowed to escape. 0:08:35.820,0:08:38.366 On many occasions,[br]while making this video, 0:08:38.503,0:08:40.988 I found myself having to pause 0:08:41.861,0:08:44.107 and zoom in on a still frame 0:08:44.107,0:08:46.243 to try to figure out if the guy was 0:08:46.243,0:08:48.650 really shedding tears or not. 0:08:49.961,0:08:52.701 Ronny: "Are you crying? - Zip: "No." 0:08:54.690,0:08:56.741 The reason why we're spending so much time 0:08:56.741,0:08:58.538 talking about men's vulnerability 0:08:58.645,0:09:01.236 is because tears are healthy - 0:09:01.548,0:09:04.450 both physiologically and emotionally. 0:09:06.385,0:09:09.545 On a biological level,[br]crying releases stress 0:09:09.715,0:09:11.594 and helps reduce anxiety. 0:09:12.514,0:09:15.067 On a social level, the ability to cry and 0:09:15.067,0:09:17.060 be openly vulnerable in front of others, 0:09:17.060,0:09:20.750 is critical for human connection and[br]relationship building. 0:09:21.334,0:09:25.724 Jerry: "You ... complete me." 0:09:26.614,0:09:29.037 It's difficult to built and maintain 0:09:29.037,0:09:31.324 emotionally supportive friendships[br]without it. 0:09:31.604,0:09:34.244 Rebbeca: "There we go... there we go." 0:09:34.474,0:09:36.797 Ted: "I promise you there is something 0:09:36.797,0:09:38.643 worse out there than being sad, 0:09:38.643,0:09:40.986 and that is being alone and being sad." 0:09:42.438,0:09:44.193 With that in mind, it's instructive 0:09:44.193,0:09:46.117 to consider the wide array 0:09:46.117,0:09:48.795 of social situations that fall outside 0:09:48.795,0:09:51.211 of the permissible crying window. 0:09:51.536,0:09:54.282 Leonard: "So it's cool if I cry[br]a little?" [laugh track] - 0:09:54.859,0:09:56.768 Penny: "Yeah, I probably wouldn't." 0:09:57.533,0:10:00.404 Men may fear losing masculinity points - 0:10:00.404,0:10:02.357 John: "You're not gonna cry, are you?" - 0:10:02.433,0:10:05.630 if they are seen crying due to things[br]like pain - 0:10:05.630,0:10:07.049 Jack: "No, I'm fine" - 0:10:07.055,0:10:11.055 fear, heartbreak, pressure at work, 0:10:11.055,0:10:13.519 experiencing depression or anxiety, 0:10:13.519,0:10:16.197 embarrassment or hurt feelings. 0:10:16.197,0:10:18.335 George: "As a man, you are crying[br]right now." 0:10:18.335,0:10:19.549 Ira: "I'm not crying." 0:10:19.549,0:10:21.861 George: "People are gonna think we just[br]broke up or something, Ira, 0:10:21.861,0:10:23.620 stop doing what you're doing." 0:10:24.498,0:10:26.471 Crying is also frowned upon for men 0:10:26.471,0:10:28.068 when doing things like 0:10:28.068,0:10:29.505 watching a sappy movie 0:10:29.505,0:10:31.983 or witnessing a beautiful sunset 0:10:31.983,0:10:34.675 or even connecting on an intimate level. 0:10:35.018,0:10:36.378 Rachel: "Are you crying?" - 0:10:36.378,0:10:40.078 Peter: "I'm so sorry that I'm being[br]so weird now." 0:10:40.078,0:10:41.820 Notice that all of these life events 0:10:41.820,0:10:43.611 are relatively common. 0:10:43.682,0:10:45.002 They're the kind of things 0:10:45.002,0:10:46.606 that are likely to happen to men 0:10:46.606,0:10:48.256 in their everyday lives. 0:10:50.127,0:10:51.706 If we do see men crying 0:10:51.706,0:10:54.923 for one of those everyday reasons[br]in dramatic media, 0:10:54.923,0:10:58.270 it feels so remarkable,[br]that we sit up and take notice. 0:10:59.004,0:11:01.489 Stan: "Check the, uh, check the[br]connections please." 0:11:01.805,0:11:03.208 Like all social constructs, 0:11:03.208,0:11:05.580 the rules governing the crying window 0:11:05.580,0:11:07.511 can be bent from time to time. 0:11:09.181,0:11:11.008 But if the rules are broken, 0:11:11.008,0:11:12.977 the guy runs the risk of becoming 0:11:12.977,0:11:15.253 the objects of ridicule amongst his peers 0:11:15.893,0:11:17.711 or worse being turned into 0:11:17.711,0:11:19.639 a meme on the internet. 0:11:22.274,0:11:24.274 As should be evident by some of the clips 0:11:24.274,0:11:25.694 we've just been looking at, 0:11:25.694,0:11:27.847 when men are depicted getting emotional 0:11:27.847,0:11:29.995 outside of the permissible window, 0:11:29.995,0:11:31.814 their tears are routinely 0:11:31.793,0:11:33.053 played for comedy. 0:11:33.053,0:11:36.038 Ron: "I'm in a glass case of emotion" 0:11:36.374,0:11:38.684 This is the space Will Ferrell, 0:11:38.684,0:11:41.221 Adam Sandler and other comedic actors 0:11:41.221,0:11:43.947 build their pathetic male characters in. 0:11:43.947,0:11:48.851 Henry: "Why would you do this to me,[br]you sick bastard?" 0:11:48.851,0:11:50.172 [Alan wailing] 0:11:50.172,0:11:52.633 It's a world where men who cry too long, 0:11:52.633,0:11:56.633 too intensely or at inconvenient times 0:11:56.633,0:11:59.028 are mocked - mercilessly. 0:11:59.373,0:12:01.582 Dylan: "I thought big people weren't[br]supposed to cry?" 0:12:01.582,0:12:04.542 Megan: "I think it's sweet that he's[br]crying like a little bitch." 0:12:04.542,0:12:05.495 Sara: "Megan!" 0:12:05.716,0:12:07.846 Comedy that makes fun of men for crying 0:12:07.846,0:12:11.036 consistently frames outbursts of emotion 0:12:11.036,0:12:14.839 or vulnerability as pathetic, weak - 0:12:14.839,0:12:17.108 Raj: "Oh my god, I'm crying already." - 0:12:17.149,0:12:19.649 and decidedly unmanly. 0:12:19.779,0:12:23.181 Woman: "Why don't you just put on a dress[br]and weep like a little girl?" 0:12:23.681,0:12:26.228 The association of tears with femininity 0:12:26.228,0:12:28.381 is explicitly illustrated in the 0:12:28.381,0:12:30.861 countless jokes deriding men for 0:12:30.861,0:12:32.257 crying like a little girl. 0:12:32.347,0:12:34.693 [laugh track] Monica: "Still crying?" 0:12:34.693,0:12:36.580 Rachel: "Like a little girl." 0:12:37.138,0:12:39.869 Skinner: "Right now superintendent[br]Chalmers is at home 0:12:39.869,0:12:43.368 crying like a little girl." [laughing] 0:12:43.397,0:12:44.954 Jeremy: "Stop crying[br]like a little girl." - 0:12:44.954,0:12:46.665 John: "I wasn't crying like a little girl." 0:12:46.665,0:12:48.257 The insult is used to police 0:12:48.257,0:12:50.051 men's expression of emotion 0:12:50.051,0:12:53.201 while also reinforcing the sexist idea 0:12:53.201,0:12:55.686 that women are somehow overly emotional 0:12:55.686,0:12:57.141 or lack self-control. 0:12:58.660,0:13:01.631 David: "You know women. They get[br]real emotional." 0:13:01.892,0:13:03.855 Ian: "Yeah, David, you seem emotional." 0:13:04.525,0:13:06.640 David: "Yeah, I'm kinda having[br]a hard time." 0:13:07.113,0:13:08.439 Even though crying is a 0:13:08.439,0:13:11.225 basic human response for everyone, 0:13:11.225,0:13:14.405 regardless of their gender, it has come to 0:13:14.405,0:13:16.942 be thought of as a gendered phenomenon. 0:13:17.295,0:13:21.295 Paul: "I cried for 45 minutes. You slap[br]a pair of tits on me, I'm a woman. 0:13:21.368,0:13:23.318 Vito: "You can act like a man, 0:13:23.318,0:13:24.729 what's the matter with you?" 0:13:25.358,0:13:27.279 Charlotte: "Oh, you can cry, it's okay." 0:13:27.279,0:13:30.683 Emerson: "It is not okay for[br]a grown-ass man to weep in public 0:13:30.683,0:13:33.350 with a bunch of happy families[br]enjoying pie." 0:13:33.540,0:13:35.451 This is why the social pressure for men 0:13:35.451,0:13:40.009 to put on a brave face and not cry in the[br]presence of others is enormous. 0:13:40.009,0:13:44.133 Emerson: "If you can't hold it, you take[br]your ass to the men's room 0:13:44.133,0:13:47.797 and cry in private on the toilet,[br]like a man!" 0:13:49.964,0:13:51.871 As therapist Terrance Real has noted, 0:13:51.871,0:14:01.404 [quote on screen] 0:14:03.817,0:14:05.880 If men do get emotional in media, 0:14:05.880,0:14:08.210 notice where and when they do it. 0:14:11.132,0:14:15.132 Most of the time, vulnerable moments only[br]happen in private. 0:14:17.662,0:14:20.157 It's a classic bit of cinematic[br]sleight of hand, 0:14:20.528,0:14:25.119 because we, as the audience, get to see[br]protagonists experiencing moments 0:14:25.119,0:14:26.887 of true vulnerability. 0:14:28.015,0:14:31.659 But they rarely share those feelings[br]with other characters. 0:14:35.324,0:14:37.248 Since the expression of vulnerability 0:14:37.248,0:14:39.737 is so strongly coded feminine,[br]in our culture 0:14:39.737,0:14:41.875 stories often have women acting as 0:14:41.875,0:14:43.606 conduits for men's feelings. 0:14:45.026,0:14:47.964 The emotional labor of caring for [br]men's pain 0:14:47.964,0:14:50.902 typically falls on the women[br]in their lives. 0:14:52.173,0:14:56.173 And, more often than not, that support[br]only goes one way. 0:14:58.226,0:15:00.539 One of the consequences of living in a [br]culture, 0:15:00.539,0:15:02.948 where men are taught to[br]low the vulnerability, 0:15:02.948,0:15:04.790 is that they don't want to be around 0:15:04.790,0:15:06.855 other people who are crying. 0:15:07.240,0:15:08.771 Jerry: "What are you doing,[br]you're crying?" - 0:15:08.771,0:15:09.718 George: "No!" 0:15:10.138,0:15:11.839 Jerry: "Just get yourself together. 0:15:11.839,0:15:14.331 I don't know if I can be friends with you [br]anymore after this display." 0:15:14.331,0:15:15.471 George: "Oh, shut up!" 0:15:15.591,0:15:17.731 Men may be unwilling to take care of 0:15:17.731,0:15:20.636 or provide emotional support to those[br]who are shedding tears - 0:15:20.636,0:15:21.822 Oscar: "There, there" - 0:15:21.822,0:15:24.713 because that close proximity[br]to vulnerability 0:15:24.713,0:15:27.666 undermines their own sense of masculinity. 0:15:29.880,0:15:32.774 When in the vicinity of another man[br]who's crying - 0:15:32.774,0:15:36.551 Vic: "Oh come on, you need a tissue? [br]A teddy bear? 0:15:36.551,0:15:39.120 You got a blankie in the trunk, [br]you want me to grab?" 0:15:39.120,0:15:41.347 They might pat their friend on the back - 0:15:41.347,0:15:43.871 Tony: "Hey, let's stop hugging." - 0:15:43.871,0:15:47.267 or give a quick hug before[br]reestablishing distance. 0:15:47.267,0:15:50.037 Cliff: "Woah, woah, hey" 0:15:50.037,0:15:51.849 Rick: "I'm sorry about that...[br]sorry about that" 0:15:51.849,0:15:55.384 Cliff: "Here put these on.[br]Don't cry in front of Mexicans. 0:15:55.704,0:15:58.113 In fact, if caught shedding tears, 0:15:58.113,0:16:00.668 male characters will frequently deny it 0:16:00.668,0:16:01.921 Schmidt: "Are you crying?" 0:16:01.921,0:16:03.194 Nick: "I'm not crying." 0:16:03.194,0:16:04.909 and pretend everything is fine. 0:16:04.968,0:16:06.209 Ken: "Are you crying?" 0:16:06.209,0:16:07.067 David: "What's that?" 0:16:07.067,0:16:08.051 Ken: "Are you crying?" 0:16:08.051,0:16:10.788 David: "Am I crying? No, I'm not crying. [br]You're crying!" 0:16:10.938,0:16:12.398 Raj: "Are you crying?" 0:16:12.398,0:16:14.083 Howard: "No, I have allergies." 0:16:14.286,0:16:15.346 Rusty: "You okay?" 0:16:15.346,0:16:17.826 Daniel: "Yeah, no, I just[br]bit into a pepper." [sniff] 0:16:18.188,0:16:19.464 Jules: "Are you crying?" 0:16:19.464,0:16:22.091 Seth: "No I just have something[br]in both my eyes." 0:16:22.091,0:16:25.811 Variations on the classic quip "I just [br]have something in my eye." 0:16:25.811,0:16:27.766 are written to communicate to viewers 0:16:27.766,0:16:30.456 that the character does indeed[br]have feelings 0:16:30.456,0:16:33.456 Davis: "No, no! No, No, No, [br]it's not funny and I wasn't crying. 0:16:33.456,0:16:36.405 I wasn't crying, okay? There's a lot of [br]debris around here." 0:16:36.405,0:16:37.677 Michaelangelo: "Are you crying?" 0:16:37.677,0:16:40.750 while also giving him a measure[br]of plausible deniability 0:16:40.815,0:16:43.956 Raphael: "No Ding-Dong, just a little [br]dusty out here." 0:16:45.206,0:16:48.456 Popular media frequently reinforces [br]the belief 0:16:48.456,0:16:49.415 Patton: "Shut up!" 0:16:49.415,0:16:51.566 that men need to hide their feelings. 0:16:52.310,0:16:54.781 Patton: "Won't have a yellow bastard [br]sitting here, crying, 0:16:54.781,0:16:56.951 in front of these brave men who have been[br]wounded in battle!" 0:16:58.351,0:17:01.071 In the fantastic stories Hollywood tells, 0:17:01.071,0:17:05.732 feeling and action are often presented as [br]opposites - 0:17:07.100,0:17:10.391 Private Hudson: "This can't be happening,[br]man, this isn't happening." 0:17:10.391,0:17:12.533 as if one precludes the other. 0:17:13.071,0:17:14.651 Rocket: "Are you crying?" 0:17:14.651,0:17:17.430 Thor: "No... 0:17:17.430,0:17:20.209 yes. I feel like I'm losing it." 0:17:20.209,0:17:21.525 Rocket: "Get it together!" 0:17:22.144,0:17:24.254 Movies tell us over and over again 0:17:24.254,0:17:27.373 that if men allow themselves [br]to feel vulnerable 0:17:27.373,0:17:31.283 they will be rendered useless. 0:17:31.283,0:17:35.283 Not only will their emotions paralyze [br]basic motor functions, 0:17:35.473,0:17:37.333 [Troy groans] 0:17:37.671,0:17:40.121 but the whole world may fall apart[br]around them. 0:17:40.701,0:17:43.671 Kirk: "Snap out of it. Start acting [br]like men!" 0:17:44.114,0:17:45.824 It's not true, of course. 0:17:47.735,0:17:50.105 Crying does not preclude action. 0:17:50.105,0:17:51.475 [dramatic music] 0:17:54.059,0:17:58.764 But the myth that vulnerability is[br]synonymous with a complete loss of control 0:17:58.764,0:18:00.364 [lion wailing] 0:18:00.364,0:18:02.974 and therefore incompatible with power 0:18:02.974,0:18:05.114 is so corrosive and so strong 0:18:05.114,0:18:06.474 [slap] 0:18:06.474,0:18:08.734 that many men have come to believe 0:18:08.734,0:18:13.874 they must kill their emotional sides [br]in order to be useful members of society. 0:18:14.761,0:18:18.761 Montrose: "I cut out all the soft parts of[br]myself." 0:18:18.761,0:18:21.251 (Montrose) Just to be a man." 0:18:21.715,0:18:25.715 Emotional disconnection has other even[br]more harmful consequences. 0:18:27.026,0:18:31.026 Jimmy: "And it's really starting to piss[br]me off Dave because I can't even cry 0:18:31.026,0:18:35.026 for her. My own little daughter[br]and I can't even cry for her." 0:18:35.712,0:18:38.842 The process of working through hurt or loss 0:18:38.842,0:18:40.842 can be slow and painful, 0:18:40.842,0:18:44.912 but it's also necessary for[br]emotional healing. 0:18:46.684,0:18:50.260 And yet when we do see men breaking down[br]on screen 0:18:50.260,0:18:52.090 the moment passes quickly. 0:18:53.678,0:18:56.478 That's because the permissible crying window 0:18:56.478,0:19:00.478 only remains opens for a short time. 0:19:01.432,0:19:04.979 Even when finding the dead bodies of his [br]family, 0:19:04.979,0:19:08.979 the tears come and go in the space of [br]one or two minutes. 0:19:10.700,0:19:13.440 This means we very rarely see[br]male characters 0:19:13.440,0:19:16.190 who are given the time to properly mourn. 0:19:16.600,0:19:19.640 Jed: "Don't cry! Hold it back. 0:19:23.320,0:19:25.550 Let it turn to something else" 0:19:25.550,0:19:27.810 [crying] 0:19:27.810,0:19:31.587 (Jed) Just let it turn to[br]something else, okay? 0:19:35.261,0:19:37.541 In fact, in countless pieces of media 0:19:37.541,0:19:41.911 men's tears essentially function [br]as a bridge to violence. 0:19:43.400,0:19:44.100 [shot] 0:19:45.675,0:19:47.718 Sometimes the transformation 0:19:47.718,0:19:51.368 from profound grief to extreme aggression 0:19:51.368,0:19:54.278 even happens within the same scene. 0:19:56.577,0:20:00.557 Far too often in media we don't see men[br]getting sad, 0:20:01.675,0:20:03.725 we see them getting mad 0:20:03.725,0:20:05.291 and then getting even. 0:20:05.291,0:20:06.361 [shots fired] 0:20:06.879,0:20:09.189 Narrator: "He goes wild - blood drunk." 0:20:09.762,0:20:10.862 [shots fired] 0:20:12.850,0:20:14.648 In this way violent retribution 0:20:15.005,0:20:17.615 is presented as a replacement 0:20:17.615,0:20:19.875 for the normal grieving process. 0:20:21.293,0:20:23.303 This pattern then encourages men 0:20:23.303,0:20:25.953 to channel all of their feelings [br]into aggression 0:20:26.469,0:20:28.567 [screaming] 0:20:28.567,0:20:31.179 and to use that aggression to express[br]themselves 0:20:31.179,0:20:33.679 in nearly all situations. 0:20:33.679,0:20:36.859 [screaming] 0:20:36.859,0:20:40.859 Now anger isn't necessarily a [br]destructive emotion. 0:20:40.859,0:20:43.015 When directed in constructive ways, 0:20:43.015,0:20:46.206 it can be an appropriate response [br]to injustice. 0:20:47.303,0:20:49.693 The problem is that since[br]aggressive outbursts 0:20:49.693,0:20:52.933 are in many ways the opposite of [br]vulnerability. 0:20:54.185,0:20:57.675 Rage and anger are almost universally seen 0:20:57.675,0:20:59.988 as signs of strength for men. 0:21:01.015,0:21:05.015 Whereas prolonged grief or sadness [br]is seen as weakness. 0:21:06.423,0:21:09.653 Or worse as a sign of instability. 0:21:10.375,0:21:12.231 This helps explain why filmmakers 0:21:12.231,0:21:14.535 will so often use men's tears 0:21:14.535,0:21:18.805 as audio-visual shorthand for a descend[br]into madness. 0:21:20.918,0:21:22.528 Or a descend into evil 0:21:23.182,0:21:24.002 Or both. 0:21:28.614,0:21:33.384 In his book "Cracking the Armour - [br]Power, Pain and the Lives of Men" 0:21:33.384,0:21:35.491 Micheal Kaufmann observes that 0:21:35.491,0:22:05.801 [quote on screen] 0:22:07.434,0:22:10.414 It's illuminating to consider[br]just how often 0:22:10.414,0:22:14.514 men's emotional pain is translated[br]as self-destruction, 0:22:14.514,0:22:16.494 in Hollywood narratives. 0:22:16.494,0:22:20.494 Howard: "I'm so sad, I’m so fucked up." 0:22:20.494,0:22:23.414 [screaming] 0:22:25.654,0:22:28.134 Just like violence directed outward, 0:22:28.134,0:22:31.309 violence directed inward is [br]often portrayed 0:22:31.309,0:22:34.667 as an intrinsic, almost inevitable [br]manifestation 0:22:34.667,0:22:36.807 of men's emotional pain. 0:22:37.829,0:22:39.209 Riggan: "Bang." 0:22:39.209,0:22:41.189 Rather than being critiques of 0:22:41.189,0:22:44.179 disconnected or violent masculinity 0:22:44.179,0:22:46.659 these depictions end up glamorizing 0:22:46.659,0:22:48.489 or at least mythologizing 0:22:48.489,0:22:51.949 and poetizing male characters 0:22:51.949,0:22:55.459 who almost never figure out[br]how to deal with their feelings 0:22:55.459,0:22:57.169 in a healthy way. 0:22:58.784,0:23:03.345 So instead we are treated to images[br]of men destroying themselves 0:23:03.345,0:23:06.845 in lovingly realized, cinematic [br]spectacles. 0:23:09.263,0:23:10.723 In her amazing book 0:23:10.723,0:23:11.973 "The Will to Change" 0:23:11.973,0:23:14.183 bell hooks notes popular culture 0:23:14.183,0:23:19.593 very rarely presents us with alternative[br]emotional paths for male characters. 0:23:20.971,0:23:34.102 [quote on screen] 0:23:35.876,0:23:39.486 Indeed, stories in which men break the [br]pattern 0:23:39.486,0:23:42.516 and successfully work trough[br]emotional pain 0:23:42.516,0:23:44.524 in transformative ways, 0:23:44.524,0:23:46.515 are few and far between. 0:23:46.515,0:23:50.675 [crying] 0:23:51.309,0:23:52.439 Sean: "It's not your fault." 0:23:52.439,0:23:54.409 "Good Will Hunting" is a rare film 0:23:54.409,0:23:58.999 in which the protagonist chooses to [br]reject traditional patriarchal masculinity 0:23:58.999,0:24:00.039 [sobbing] 0:24:00.039,0:24:02.029 and instead chooses to follow 0:24:02.029,0:24:05.151 the more vulnerable path of emotional [br]connection. 0:24:07.010,0:24:11.900 Joel makes a similar choice in [br]"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", 0:24:11.900,0:24:14.838 when he decides to face his[br]painful feelings 0:24:14.838,0:24:16.638 rather than erasing them. 0:24:19.627,0:24:24.477 In Berry Jenkins "Moonlight", Chiron also [br]chooses to leave behind a life 0:24:24.477,0:24:26.297 hardened by isolation 0:24:26.297,0:24:28.467 and embrace the vulnerability of 0:24:28.467,0:24:30.157 emotional intimacy. 0:24:31.381,0:24:35.138 Representations like these are rightfully [br]celebrated, 0:24:35.747,0:24:38.827 but such depictions are still [br]remarkably rare 0:24:38.827,0:24:40.797 and remain the exception 0:24:40.797,0:24:42.620 rather than the rule. 0:24:44.481,0:24:45.841 As I said earlier, 0:24:45.841,0:24:47.964 it can be genuinely gutwrenching 0:24:47.964,0:24:51.964 when media allows us to glimpse cracks [br]in the facade of male control. 0:24:53.431,0:24:56.691 Seeing a man finally, at long last, 0:24:56.691,0:24:59.891 letting a tear slip, a lip tremble 0:24:59.891,0:25:03.971 or, in the most extreme circumstances,[br]being allowed a good cry 0:25:03.971,0:25:05.541 can be quite moving. 0:25:06.618,0:25:09.145 Even in scenes that are meant to be [br]humorous. 0:25:09.145,0:25:13.285 Kayla: "Oh, dad, come on. Come on, [br]toughen up." 0:25:13.285,0:25:16.282 Still, I think it's important to recognize 0:25:16.282,0:25:19.722 that these rare moments are seen as so [br]powerful, 0:25:19.722,0:25:23.722 precisely because disconnection is still[br]so highly valued 0:25:23.722,0:25:26.352 for men in our society. 0:25:28.521,0:25:30.791 Perhaps we wouldn't be as moved by 0:25:30.791,0:25:32.661 the small cracks in the dam 0:25:32.661,0:25:36.791 if we got to see the free flow of tears [br]more often. 0:25:39.254,0:25:43.674 Movies and TV shows are much more than [br]simple entertainment. 0:25:43.674,0:25:46.584 They also present us with, what bell[br]hooks calls, 0:25:46.584,0:25:48.404 "the art of the possible". 0:25:49.378,0:25:53.568 Zuko: "How can you forgive me so easily?[br]I thought you would be furious with me." 0:25:53.568,0:25:56.638 Iroh: "I was never angry with you. 0:25:56.638,0:26:00.968 I was sad because I was afraid you lost [br]your way." 0:26:01.448,0:26:03.498 And that's why it's critical for media 0:26:03.498,0:26:08.638 to show us more than just the rare,[br]momentary glimpse of men's vulnerability. 0:26:09.612,0:26:12.976 We need to see men crying[br]unapologetically. 0:26:13.289,0:26:15.879 Men connecting emotionally with women 0:26:15.879,0:26:17.589 and with each other. 0:26:17.589,0:26:20.090 And ultimately, to see men healing 0:26:20.090,0:26:23.009 as they embrace the full range of their [br]humanity. 0:26:24.793,0:26:28.153 We need the crying window always open. 0:26:28.153,0:26:32.373 [emotional music] 0:26:34.248,0:26:36.438 I hope you enjoyed this video. 0:26:36.438,0:26:39.404 Now as you might imagine these long-form [br]video essays 0:26:39.404,0:26:41.404 take an enormous amount of time, 0:26:41.404,0:26:43.438 to write, edit and produce. 0:26:43.438,0:26:46.218 This one has something like [br]200 media clips 0:26:46.218,0:26:49.250 sourced from various movies and TV shows. 0:26:49.250,0:26:51.810 So if you would like to see more videos [br]like this one 0:26:51.810,0:26:54.392 please consider going over to Patreon 0:26:54.392,0:26:56.872 and helping to back this project there. 0:26:56.872,0:26:59.712 I've also left the link to PayPal in [br]the description below, 0:26:59.712,0:27:00.962 if you prefer. 0:27:00.962,0:27:03.792 Now I have a whole bunch of other media [br]projects in the works 0:27:03.792,0:27:05.772 so please stay tuned for those 0:27:05.772,0:27:08.422 and I'll see you back here again[br]next time.