WEBVTT

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(music and applause)

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I've heard it described as a volcano
that's about to erupt.

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A hurricane.

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Like slow-dancing barefoot
on broken shards of glass.

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Like trying to hold back 
the ocean with a broom.

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War.

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The plague.

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Like being drawn and quartered.

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These are just a few examples
of thousands of metaphors I've collected

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about conflict.

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What's conflict like for you?

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Your metaphor matters

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because it often reflects how you
think and feel about conflict.

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So it makes sense that if you think
conflict is the plague,

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you'd probably want to avoid that,

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and avoid everybody else that
has it too.

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If it's like trying to hold back
the ocean with a broom,

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I would imagine that feels frustrating
and futile.

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So what do you do when the waves
just keep coming?

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Because conflict washes ashore in all
of our relationships;

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at home, at work, in our neighborhoods.

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And you've probably already been given
advice on how you should deal with it.

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"Communicate."

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But sometimes talking about it
seems to make it worse.

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"Don't go to bed angry."

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So you stay awake, and now 
you're angry and tired.

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(laughter)

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Or, 
"You just have to learn to compromise."

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But if your compromise has ever felt like,

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"You don't get what you want, 
I don't get what I want,

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but at least together 
we're mutually miserable."

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(laughter)

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Now I'm sure all of this advice
is well-intentioned,

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but it treats conflict 
as if it's a problem.

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What if conflict isn't a problem?

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What if it's a solution?

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What if it's not negative,
but full of beauty?

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After 15 years of studying, researching,
teaching, and training in conflict,

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I've learned to see it differently.

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I've been able to see the power
it has to transform -

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to transform us, our relationships, 
and the world around us.

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It can be difficult, though, 
to create that change.

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And it means we have to start
looking at conflict differently.

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No matter how negatively you think
about conflict right now,

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it is possible to change that.

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It takes three keys
in order to do that.

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The first is to recognize what
our conflict is really about.

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I have a four decade long history
of fighting about the dishes.

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When I was a kid I hated doing dishes, and
I fought with my parents and my siblings

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on nearly a weekly basis about 
who's turn it was.

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When I got to college I fought 
with my roommates about the dishes

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because sometimes they'd
go home for the weekend

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and they'd leave behind their dirty dishes
with their half eaten burritos,

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with congealed ketchup, 
and bowls of

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funky, fermenting, green Lucky Charm milk
in the sink.

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(laughter)

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When I got married I fought with my wife
about how you're supposed to do the dishes

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and if it even counts as doing dishes if
you don't rinse the sink out afterwards.

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(laughter)

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With my own kids 
I've fought about the dishes,

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about them not dirtying 15 cups a day
because they get a new one

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every single time 
they get a drink of water,

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and trying to get them to help
load and unload the dishes.

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I mean, maybe I ought to just 
switch to paper plates.

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(laughter)

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But maybe, it's not about the dishes.

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As I think back,
as a kid it wasn't about the dishes,

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it was about independence and 
wanting to make my own decisions.

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With my roommates, 
it wasn't about the dishes.

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It was about wanting to feel respected
and wondering

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if they valued the relationship
the same way that I did.

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With my wife,
it's not about how I do the dishes.

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It's wanting to feel competent and likable
no matter how I do them.

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With my kids,
it's not about the dishes.

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It's about my identity as a father,

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trying to teach them 
respect and responsibility.

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You see, conflicts 
are a lot like icebergs.

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What we see on the surface
may seem small,

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but what's underneath can send boats like
the Titanic to the bottom of the ocean,

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and if I don't pay attention
to what's underneath my own conflicts

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it can rip holes
in my relationships.

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Conflict is about so much more,

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about our identity, our relationships,
the things that really matter to us.

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And as you're thinking about 
you're own conflicts,

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maybe you can start to see that 
they might be about something more.

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Now, once you recognize what
your conflicts are really about,

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the second key is recognizing
when you're stuck.

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Now, I am no stranger to being
stuck in conflict.

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I started learning about conflict 
because I was terrible at it.

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Well, a couple years ago,

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I asked my four-year-old daughter
to put away a couple of "hair pretties"

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that she had gotten out.

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You know, a hair pretty is like little
bows and rubber bands,

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stuff you put in your hair 
to make it pretty.

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(laughter)

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So she took them, but she chucked them 
on the floor of the bathroom,

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and I said, "You can't just 
put them there on the floor,

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you need to pick them up 
and put them in the tray

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with the rest of the hair pretties."

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She said, " I don't want
to put them in the tray.

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And I said, "You got them out.
You have to put them away."

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She said, "I don't want to!" 
and started throwing a fit.

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So she's laying on the floor, so 
I get down on the floor next to her

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and I put the little hair pretties
right next to her hand,

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and I bring the tray over, 
and I'm just like,

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"Just put them in the tray."

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(laughter)

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And she said, "I don't want to!"
and flips the tray.

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20 more hair pretties go flying
over the floor.

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So I'm like,

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"Line in the sand.

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You're not coming out of this bathroom
until you pick up all the hair pretties!"


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So she tries to rush past me and I 
block the door with my gigantic body.

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And she's flailing at me 
with her tiny little fists.

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Then 20 minutes later I'm at the door

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trying to explain to my neighbor
who has brought a plate of cookies

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to welcome us to the neighborhood

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why my daughter is screaming, 
trying to climb over a mattress

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that I've used to block the bathroom door.

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(laughter)

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Now, that may be entertaining for you,


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but at the time, for me, not so much.

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I was stuck.

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That was not working very well
for me.

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Have you ever been in your own conflicts
and thought,

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"This is not working so well for me."

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See the thing that gets me stuck there
is justification.

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Justification is believing
that I'm blameless.

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And it's so seductive,
because in conflict

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if I'm blameless, then I don't have to
do any of the work to change.

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I'm not the one that needs to change.
Somebody else needs to change.

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And it keeps us stuck.

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As you think about your own conflicts,
do you ever feel justified but stuck?

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Again, that might feel nice in the moment,
but in the end it's pretty dissatisfying.

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It keeps us doing the same conflicts
over and over again

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and nothing changes.

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You can get unstuck.

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If it's not working for you, 
you can find a different way.

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The third key in unlocking the beautiful,
transformative power of conflict

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is to start learning to speak responsibly.

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To have those kinds of conversations where
we can create change in ourselves,

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in our relationships,
in the world around us,

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it requires vulnerability, ownership,
communication, acceptance, boundaries.

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It's hard work, though. It can be
as hard as trying to learn a new language.

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I've created the acronym VOCAB

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to help you in those moments,
to think about

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how you can be responsible
in your conflict,

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how you can create the change
that you want.

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And it starts with vulnerability.

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Vulnerability is my willingness to
let myself be seen.

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To share who I really am, 
how I really feel, even my mistakes.

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To share the needs that I have that
are below the surface.

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Now when I'm vulnerable,
I take off my armor

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of justification and defensiveness.

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I put down my weapons
of blame and accusation.

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And that can be terrifying.

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But it's beautiful because
it disarms our conflicts

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and it creates the potential for us
to connect instead of to fight.

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The O in VOCAB is for ownership.

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Ownership is taking accountability for
my own needs, emotions, and choices.

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Have you ever wondered in a conflict,
"How did I get here?"

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Maybe you're in the proverbial doghouse
and you're sleeping on the couch.

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Or maybe your conflicts have escalated
into the ridiculous

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and you have a mattress
blocking the door of your bathroom.

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The beauty of ownership is that 
when I look at my choices and my emotions

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in my conflicts,

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it starts to help me map the contributions
that I make.

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I can see how I got here.

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I can see exactly 
which direction I'm headed,

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and if that's not working for me
it empowers me.

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I can shift direction.

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The third thing you need, and at the 
center of VOCAB is our communication.

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We have to learn to ask, 
listen, and express.

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It's not enough that we communicate,
it matters how we do it.

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So I had to learn to stop telling stories
that ended with a period.

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I had to start asking questions -
the kind of questions that help me

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understand what's underneath
the surface of this conflict,

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to help me understand 
the emotions and needs.

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After I ask I can listen.

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Not listening for the other person 
to make a mistake,

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or for me to get defensive,

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but to listen to what's really important,
to hear their requests for change.

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And after listening, I can then express.

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Not just anger, but express
with vulnerability and onwership

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how I really feel, what I want,
what's important to me.

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These conversations where I start to ask,
listen, and express;

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They're so beautiful because they can
create empathy

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and a different type of conversation.

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The A in VOCAB is about acceptance,


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and acceptance is embracing reality
and letting go of what we can't control.

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There's very little that 
I can control in conflict.

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I can't even get my four-year-old daughter
to pick up three hair pretties.

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I often want to control how
the other person feels and how they behave

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but I have to let that go.

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I also have to recognize that 
because conflict is about change,

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there's going to be
some loss involved.

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Sometimes it's just the loss of an idea.

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Once upon a time I thought that
relationships were supposed to be

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happily ever after.

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But the truth is,
all relationships have conflict,

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and until I let go of that fairy tale and 
embrace the reality of my relationships

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could I do anything 
when those difficulties came.

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Finally, the B in VOCAB is for boundaries.

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Boundaries are ground rules
for acceptable behavior.

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Boundaries let other people know what I'm
okay with and what I'm not okay with.

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This is important because even though
it's difficult to say no

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and disappoint somebody,
"no" is the foundation of trust.

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As a mediator, my role is to help people
who are stuck in conflict

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to have a different kind of conversation.

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The way we often begin that is by setting
rules for how we're going to interact.

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It usually involves things like
the parties determining,

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"We're not going to call each other names.
We won't raise our voices.

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We're going to keep 
this conversation confidential."

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The beauty of that is setting those 
boundaries and respecting them

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creates the foundation for trust.

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Now, understanding VOCAB,
seeing how that works

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isn't going to cure your conflicts.

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It's still difficult to do,
and I still get stuck in justification.

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But when I practice it, 
just like practicing a new language,

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I become more fluent.

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And it's important because that is what
creates the changes that I want

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in myself, in my relationships, 
and in the world around me.

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When my oldest daughter turned six 
and started the first grade,

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there started to be a lot of interactions
with her sisters that ended with tears

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and yelling.

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She started to be kind of harsh.

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I mean, she'd always liked
to be in charge,

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but she was kind of 
bossing her sisters around a lot.

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So I tried to put a stop to it.

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I lectured her on kindness,
and nothing changed.

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I yelled at her.

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Nothing changed.

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I gave consequences and punishments,
and it continued for weeks,

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on nearly a daily basis.

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And I felt stuck.

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I didn't know what to do 
and it was frustrating.

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Until one evening, 
I started practicing VOCAB

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and creating a conversation for change.

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As I was tucking her into bed,
I kneeled down next to her.

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I called her name softly and I said,

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"I don't know how to be 
the dad of a six-year-old.

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I've never done this before.

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But I've been worried and sad.

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I don't know what's been going on
between us and between your sisters.

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I hate that I've yelled at you.

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I have to own that.
I don't want that.

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What I want is for us to be able to
talk with each other even when it's hard.

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I want us to have a good relationship,

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and I want to understand what's happening
for you. Can you help me understand?"

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She said, "I don't know,"
and crawled under the covers.

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So I worked on keeping my heart open.
I laid next to her.

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I tried to breathe in and let go
of my desire to have her respond.

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And then I had the air ripped out of me
when I heard her say,

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"Dad, have you ever been bullied?"

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For weeks she'd been 
dealing with a bully at school

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and hadn't known what to do about it,
how to talk about it.

00:14:28.803 --> 00:14:30.496
I asked her how she was feeling.

00:14:30.496 --> 00:14:34.193
I told her about how I was bullied
when I was a kid.

00:14:34.193 --> 00:14:37.802
We discussed how she could 
set boundaries with kids at school.

00:14:38.008 --> 00:14:41.337
We talked about, "How do we want 
to communicate in the future?

00:14:41.337 --> 00:14:44.839
How do we deal with these hard emotions
when they come?"

00:14:45.220 --> 00:14:47.695
That conversation changed me,

00:14:47.695 --> 00:14:49.761
and it changed our relationship.

00:14:50.415 --> 00:14:56.152
It empowered us to continue creating the
changes we wanted in the world around us.

00:14:56.518 --> 00:14:59.615
I no longer see conflict as negative.

00:14:59.615 --> 00:15:02.041
It's my chrysalis of change.

00:15:02.041 --> 00:15:04.115
It's a doorway of opportunity.

00:15:05.173 --> 00:15:09.169
It's the first ray of light 
after a dark night.

00:15:09.169 --> 00:15:11.464
What do you want it to be for you?

00:15:12.764 --> 00:15:15.362
(applause)

00:15:15.362 --> 00:15:18.460
(music)